FIRST ONE-DAY INTERNATIONAL, Guyana:
England 270-7 (50 overs) beat West Indies 244-7 (46.2 overs) by one run under D/L
LATEST ACTION (ALL TIMES GMT)
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WEST INDIES INNINGS
2200: Right, that's me done. Thanks for the chat and I'll speak to you all soon. Sorry, to add to the farce I got my overs mixed up at the end. Sorry! Fixed now...
"Jack in Bristol: It's not possible to bring cricket into disrepute. It simply doesn't operate in that paradigm; you either love it because it does mad things like this, or you have no idea what's going on in the first place. I think its called an autopoietic system of self-enlosure or something in social theory."
Paul in Lancs in the TMS inbox
"Again cricket shoots itself in the foot. Dyson should hang his head in shame. What a rip off for a full house in Guyana."
Lee Chapman in the TMS inbox
"I'm tempted to say the defeat serves the West Indies right for being so negative. A farcical situation which brings the game into disrepute. With less than four overs to go, and with the game in the balance, then the umpires should have told both captains that the game would be played to a finish. In hindsight, the game should have been reduced by six overs when we went off for rain earlier."
Jack, Bristol, in the TMS inbox
2150: Well, there you have it, cricket at its very worst. England beat West Indies by one run under the Duckworth-Lewis method. England have got a bit of a cheek celebrating like that to be honest, everybody in that stadium has been cheated, as well as millions watching on TV.
2145: This is remarkable. The replays show that coach John Dyson called the batsmen in, but replays also show him being handed a piece of paper a few minutes later and realising he's made a horrible rick. Skipper Gayle, meanwhile, looked like he was sat in front of an episode of Songs of Praise throughout the whole process. The England players not celebrating yet, although Dyson is doing his nut on the balcony. Whoops-a-daisy, Martin Hayesy...
47th over - WICKET - Ramdin lbw b Broad 11 (WI 244-7)
Broad tempts Ramdin outside off-stump and Ramdin misses. But that's a wide from Broad next up... BUT HE'S TRAPPED RAMDIN PLUMB IN FRONT! Perhaps more significantly, West Indies are behind for first time on Duckworth-Lewis... oh my life, this is scandalous - the umpires have offered the light and the batsmen, clearly thinking they're still ahead, leave the field, punching gloves. Strauss, meanwhile, smiles wryly, knowing that England are in fact ahead. Cricket at its most farcical.
46th over - WICKET - Pollard c Harmison b Anderson 42 (WI 242-6)
Talking of hats, I saw a chap wearing a bowler at Liverpool Street this morning. I wouldn't say it made my day, but it brought a trace of a smile to my lips. Ramdin dealing only in ones at the moment - he picks up a single to third-man - but Pollard breaks the shackles, opening the shoulders and lacing Anderson through the covers for four. But England have removed the dangerman! Pollard goes for the hook, skies it, and guess who swallows it on the mid-wicket boundary? Steve Harmison. Sammy is off the mark with a single, before the umpires dig out their light meters... do me favour, they have to finish this...
45th over - 237-5 Collingwood to continue and Pollard and Ramdin exchange singles before Ramdin nicks the strike with a clip to mid-on. The hosts need 34 from 30 balls.
"Oooh, do I feel a TMS romance coming on? Shall I buy a new hat?"
Mark Airey, Rochdale, in the TMS inbox
44th over - 233-5 The groundstaff gather beyond the boundary rope, covers at the ready. Batty to continue. Ramdin picks up a cheeky single before Batty should have run Ramdin out - Bopara with the throw, and Batty gathers and inexplicably misses the stumps. Oh my giddy aunt, Harmison's afternoon is going from bad to worse - Pollard goes for some hammer and the ball goes straight through Harmy's hands and dribbles over the rope for four. Harmison must wish he was Fenella the Kettle Witch and be able to disappear into the ground and magically reappear in his living room in Ashington. Or something like that.
43rd over - 225-5 It's the last over of the powerplay and Pollard paddles Broad away for four precious runs. One more for Pollard before Ramdin slices a drive through point for two. Will Strauss risk Harmison again? To be fair, he'd actually bowled OK before that fusillade from Chanderpaul. Pollard looks to muscle Broad to the long-on fence but doesn't quite get it - one run. Ramdin nurdles the final ball of the over for one and that's 52 from five powerplay overs. England managed just 17. Pretty gloomy out there... and we've got spots of rain... cosmic...
"They're going to beat us AGAIN, aren't they? This said, with the despondency of a Welsh woman who is in Cardiff today WITHOUT tickets for tomorrow's match. And so I die
Carole, not in Maidenhead today, in the TMS inbox
42nd - WICKET - Bravo c Bopara b Anderson 1 (WI 213-5)
A rank long hop from Anderson and Bravo leans back and skews to Bopara at backward point, who takes a good catch falling forward. England right back in it. Ramdin is off the mark straightaway with a back-cut for one. Anderson digs one in and Pollard goes for the shut-eyed Botham hook and misses. Pollard drags another short one from Anderson round the corner for one, and that's a decent over. Like it Carole, a little bit Sylvia Plath.
41st over - WICKET - Chanderpaul c Strauss b Broad 46 (WI 212-4)
Tremendous atmosphere now in the Providence Stadium, but Broad shuts them up - Chanderpaul is out sweeping straight to Strauss at square-leg. Forty-six from just 30 balls, that was one heck of a knock from the local hero. Bravo is off the mark with a single, this match still precariously balanced. West Indies require 58 from 54 balls. Matt? Any interest?
"Please put me in touch with Matt - I didn't think there could possibly be someone else out there foolish enough to follow English cricket when we should be out partying..."
Amy in the TMS inbox
40th over - 209-3 There were people cowering under the stairs as that shot from Pollard came into land - shades of the Blitz. Chanderpaul steers Harmison through point for four before playing a remarkable stroke, falling to one knee and shovelling Harmison deep into the crowd at fine-leg. AND THERE'S MORE! Over-pitched from Harmison and Chanderpaul blazes him through the covers for four more... AND ANOTHER! Chanderpaul walks down the track and lofts Harmison to the extra-cover boundary... BEFORE CLUBBING HIM STRAIGHT DOWN THE GROUND! Four-six-four-four-four... AND FOUR MORE! Chanderpaul makes room and carves Harmison to the point fence. That, to borrow a boxing phrase, is what you call "owning" someone... Harmison trudges back to his fielding position in the deep, like a man who has just been ejected from a bar for vomiting on the landlord's feet.
39th over - 183-3 West Indies require 98 from 72 balls. Chanderpaul picks up a single with a clip to mid-wicket. Heavy off-side field, so Broad needs to keep it tight. Pollard paddles Broad to mid-wicket for one before Broad serves up a wide, that's 13 now from England. Shiv flicks to mid-wicket for one and West Indies need 94 from 67. Strike that, 88 from 66, that was a meaty club over long-off from Pollard.
"I'm not the only person in Zambia sad enough to be watching the live text when I should be in bed?!! Never fixed a fridge though..."
Matt in the TMS inbox
38th over - 173-3 Five runs from Batty's over - Pollard resisting the temptation to go after the Yorkshireman, probably waiting for the powerplay. Batty does get one to fizz past the face of Chanderpaul's bat, before Pollard picks up a couple with a clip through square-leg. Two more for Pollard with a whip to mid-wicket and it's time for a batting powerplay. Harmison was going to bowl there, before Strauss got wind of the powerplay and chucked the pill to Broad instead. Hardly a vote of confidence for Harmy.
37th over - 168-3 Harmison makes much of resetting his field before serving up a half-volley on Chanderpaul's legs. Two runs. Chanderpaul clips Harmison off his pads for one to move to 16. Harmison gets one to cut back at Pollard, who very nearly loses his off-stump. Harmison looks to the sky and clutches his head in dramatic fashion, like a man who has just stepped into some dog mess on the way to a job interview.
"As the cricket isn't too thrilling can I ask for help? Anyone reading in Zambia who can come and help fix my fridge?"
Amy in the TMS inbox
36th over - 165-3 Chanderpaul gives the strike back to the beefy Pollard but Pollard is happy to pick up a gentle single to mid-on. Chanderpaul and Pollard swap singles, it will be Harmison to continue.
"Pollard has to mix the big shots and attacking intent with intelligent running and ones and twos. He has to be a bit careful with his shot selection."
Colin Croft on TMS
35th over - 160-3 New batsman Pollard blocks the first three balls of Mascarenhas' over before pulling out the big stick and launching the Hampshire man over long-on for six. Pollard scored 170-odd in a domestic one-day match last season, so he's got some pedigree.
34th over - WICKET - Simmons c Anderson b Batty 62 (WI 152-3)
Not surewhat's come over Simmons, it's Hollywood shots every ball at the moment. AND THEY'VE GOT HIM! Simmons goes for some hammer and holes out to Anderson at deep mid-wicket. And with that shot, I've just realised who he Simmons reminds me of - he has a similar batting style to Chris Lewis, and I don't mean the bloke who lost the 1983 Wimbledon final to John McEnroe. New batsman Pollard hammers his guard out with a bail and is off the mark with a thick inside edge.
"Is it only me or does Shiv look a bit like a tortoise when he licks his lips? Someone please Photoshop it for me!"
Carly in London
33rd over - 151-2 Strauss shuffles the pack again, here's Mascarenhas again. Chanderpaul hoicks him to square-leg for one. Mascarenhas drops short and Simmons marmalises him over mid-wicket for four, the ball landing just before the rope. Simmons attempts two extravagant sweeps but misses. Players have a drink.
"Carol mentions Mother's Day as being this Sunday. Strangely, though we in India are (for the most part) Anglophiles, our Mother's Day (apparently, even the apostrophe is copyrighted!) is the US date (second Sunday of May). Hallmark influence, I suppose..."
Sreejay, Chennai, in the TMS inbox
32nd over - 146-2 Chanderpaul drives into the covers for one. Decentlbw shout by Batty against Simmons, but it was probably drifting down leg. Simmons sweeps for a single before Chanderpaul takes a dicey run.
"Re: Carol (28th over):It's my wedding anniversary on Sunday, so now you're telling me I have to buy TWO cards. Thanks a lot."
Doug in the TMS inbox
31st over - WICKET - Sarwan c Strauss b Collingwood 57 (WI 131-2)
Big wicket form England, and it's a cheap one, with Sarwan chipping straight to Strauss at short mid-wicket. The ball stopped and Sarwan completed his shot too soon. Take that and party! Chanderpaul walks down the track first ball and slaps Colly to the wide long-on fence. Five more byes, a leg-side delivery beating Prior, who's standing up. On second viewing, it seems that actually took a slight deflection off Chanderpaul's hip. Simmons and Chanderpaul exchange singles and while Sir Viv reckons the game is "still very much in the balance", the Windies must be favourites.
"A halibut bowled with a scrambled seam would appear to flicker as the white side is lost against the sightscreen."
Simon, Lancaster, in the TMS inbox
30th over - 131-1 Sarwan treats Harmison with the utmost disrespect, heaving him across the line and picking up two to mid-wicket. Wide from Harmison and Simmons square-cuts him for four. Simmons putting manners on the Durham paceman at the moment, and Harmison replies with a wide. Good comeback from Harmy, beating an airy waft from Simmons.
29th over - 122-1
Sarwan milks Colly for one to bring up his 31st ODI fifty before Simmons has a real wind-up and launches him to deep mid-wicket... where Broad, on the run, is unable to get his hands underneath it. Two for the shot. Simmons picks up three more courtesy of a misfield from Broad (that's his fifty) before Sarwan picks up two with an easy clip down the ground. Not looking good for England...
28th over - 112-1 Harmison is back into the attack. Simmons gives Harmison the charge but doesn't quite get hold of it, the ball squirting into the off-side for one. Sarwan twirls Harmison into the covers for another single - he looks to have sooo much time. Simmons looks to hook and Harmy appeals for caught behind... Umpire Dar's not having any of it. If you were going to have a punt, you'd have to punt on the hosts at the moment.
"Have you remembered it's Mothering Sunday (aka Mother's Day) this Sunday?"
Carol, Portugal, in the TMS inbox
27th over - 110-1 Collingwood to continue, and Sarwan whips him away for a single. Simmons gets on tippy-toes and drives Colly to mid-on for one - Strauss, at short mid-wicket, very nearly got to that. Sarwan eases Colly to long-on for one more, and there was no sign of any acceleration in that over.
"Can someone please tell Shazad Ahmad (between 16th and 17th over) that this is a forum for grammar trash-talk. There's no place for cricket questions."
Gareth in the TMS inbox
26th over - 106-1 Sarwan brings up the ton with a flick to mid-on, before Prior gives up four more byes, Simmons looking to paddle and the ball shooting between Prior's legs. Simmons beats Bopara at cover with a back-foot steer for one. Sarwan stands tall and punches Mascarenhas to mid-off to steal the strike.
25th over - 99-1 Simmons looks to heave Collingwood over the top and Shah, running in at mid-on, just fails to track it down. He does well to save the boundary though. Just three singles from that over, the Windies need either Sarwan or Simmons - preferably both - to give it some tap.
24th over - 96-1 Simmons, who likes to glide, does just that and picks up a single. Sarwan clips off his pads for a single and this match is very well poised - West Indies not exactly motoring along, but they have plenty of wickets in hand.
"Not to digress from the grammar debate, but any bowler looking to generate pace should probably turn to the Mackerel, although difficult to grip. The Halibut seems better designed for deceptive flight and bounce."
Gary Seattle, Washington, in the TMS inbox
23rd over - 93-1 Collingwood is swatted through mid-wicket for a couple by Simmons, and this is looking ominous for the tourists, the England attack seems to have all the cutting edge of an apple crumble. Sarwan picks up a single with a drive to long-off. Sarwan could only look more comfortable if the 12th man was out there fanning him with a giant palm leaf.
"Tom Osborn, like most of the internet 'grammar police', made the fatal error of using one word wrong. This now makes him look like a bit of a halibut."
Tim Clayton in the TMS inbox
22nd over - 91-1 Too wide from Mascarenhas and Sarwan laces him through point for four. You can't bowl there to Sarwan at that pace, he'll be all over you like a cheap suit.
21st over - 85-1Tom, you're right, Brannigans probably should have an apostrophe, unfortunately a quick Google reveals that the owners of Brannigans don't agree. Any more? Collingwood is on and Sarwan punches him through the covers for one. Simmons whips Colly off his pads for a single before Sarwan cuts to point to steal the strike.
"Right, I'll do you for that! 2. "and here comes the rain and players come off..." has its articles in entirely the wrong place. A bit like Jodie Marsh coming out of 'Brannigans' at 3am (which I believe should have an apostrophe). Grammar comedy. We've hit a new low."
Tom Osborn in the TMS inbox
20th over - 82-1 Creamy shot Sarwan, opening the face and gliding Mascarenhas through third-man for four. England should have had a second wicket there - Sarwan and Simmons do the old yes, no, yes, no dance in the middle, Bopara fields, but shies at the wrong end. Three more singles from the over, and this pair look pretty unworried out there, dodgy running excepted.
"Re: Tom Osborne (15th Over) 1. Where is two? 2. "I have 10,000 word dissertation". Is there not an 'a' missing there? 3. You used 'mummy' and 'daddy' as proper nouns. As such they deserve capitals. 4. 'thus a rubbishly constructed sentence'. How can one go from using such words as 'thus' to such awful words as 'rubbishly'? 5. "Do you want me to go on?" God no."
Alan Hargrave in the TMS inbox
19th over - 75-1 Tremendous stroke from Simmons, who sashays down the track and hoists Batty 91m (Sky said so) straight down the ground. This lad knows which end of the bat to hold, I like him. Both batsmen lidless now, which is always nice to see.
18th over - 69-1 Mascarenhas to continue off his 10-pace run-up and this is tight stuff from the Hants man, as it must be at his pace. Sarwan picks up one with a punch into the covers and Simmons whips Mascarenhas away for a single.
17th over - 67-1 Battyinto the attack - I agree Shazad, not particularly forward-thinking by the England selectors picking Batty over Rashid. Sarwan flicks off his pads for a couple before Simmons picks up a couple with an off-drive. Two more singles from the over, which, for the most part, is a bit too full from Batty.
"Why isn't Adil Rashid playing? England are lacking a genuine wicket-taker right now, so why not give this guy a chance to shine?"
Shazad Ahmad in the TMS inbox
"Seeing all the to-ing and fro-ing about English grammar, I see why we from the old 'Raj' are getting more outsourcing work! Or, David in Grenoble must be French? (The question mark is needed here)."
Sreejay, Chennai, in the TMS inbox
16th over - 62-1 Mascarenhas is going to have a bowl as the two men beside me almost cough up a lung watching the Anchorman Sex Panther scene on Youtube. A leg-bye from Mascar's first ball and Sarwan takes a very risky run - Strauss throws on the turn and it would have been interesting had he hit. Good first over from the Hampshire all-rounder.
"Just out of interest, was it an 87mph halibut? Please clear this up."
Gary, Seattle, Washington, in the TMS inbox
15th over - 60-1 Width again from Anderson, but this time Sarwan cuts straight to the fielder at backward-point. Better over from Anderson, a tickle down the leg-side from Simmons and a carve into the covers for two from Sarwan. Yes, Tom, I obviously meant to write "is" rather than "it". And no, it's not Keats, but then it probably took him weeks to knock out a poem, and I haven't really got that long. And yes, I do want you to go on, I like the idea of you spending your Friday nights combing my copy for grammatical errors. Maybe that's why I steered clear of Brentwood schools and went to Campion...
"1. English features a loose conjugation and declension pattern. For this reason, subject-verb agreement is of paramount importance. 'Shah check-drives to mid-on for a single and it now on 15' is thus a rubbishly constructed sentence. Do you want me to go on? That said, I have 10,000 word dissertation in for next Friday, which I've yet to start. So I can sit here and carp all day, but the joke's really on me. And I'm from Brentwood; it must be something about the schools. If only mummy and daddy had coughed up for Brentwood School, rather than good old St. Martin's!"
Tom Osborn in the TMS inbox
14th over - 57-1 Harmison tries a bit of rib music out on Simmons, but Simmons paddles him away for one. Prior gives up another bye, as some chap, dressed half as a woman and half as a chap (a chick-chap, if you will) gets the locals dancing in the stands. Good to see so many locals in today, looks like the Barmy Army have packed up and flown out.
13th over - 54-1 Too straight from Anderson and Sarwan eases him through mid-wicket for a couple. Same again next ball, and this time it's four... and that's short and wide from Anderson and Sarwan muscles him through the covers for another four. The hosts slip up a gear, Anderson trashes some good early figures.
12th over - 44-1 Short from Harmison and Simmons is onto it in a flash, swivelling and clobbering it once bounce over the rope at deep mid-wicket. Two more for Simmons with a flick off his hips. David in Grenoble (see below), erm, no it shouldn't, because it's not a question. Weird.
"'Aaah, Tom Osborn, how easy it must be in your world to write 10,000 words in the space of seven-odd hours without missing the odd word out. Just as a matter of interest, let's have a few of these 'myriad grammatical errors'. Well, just to get the ball rolling, I think the first sentence should definitely have a question mark at the end."
David, in Grenoble, France, in the TMS inbox
11th over - 38-1 Sarwanglides to third-man for one - could be saying that a lot over the next few hours - too straight from Broad and Simmons clips him round the corner for a single. Broad has a chunter at the end of the over - I like him, he's a little bit spunky.
"Charlie (see below): My uncle was a diver for the Royal Navy and helped raise the Mary Rose, he doesn't remember any survivors."
John in Maidstone in the TMS inbox
10th over - 36-1 Harmison into the attack, and his third ball is a wide. Not really a Harmison pitch this, not much grunt in it. But it's actually a decent over from the Durham man, including a decent lbw appeal from his final ball. Bit of bat on that, I think, but was it before or after pad? Aaah, Tom Osborn, how easy it must be in your world to write 10,000 words in the space of seven-odd hours without missing the odd word out. Just as a matter of interest, let's have a few of these "myriad grammatical errors".
"Dirsy, I would have thought with all the name dropping on here today, your chips and fish would have been accompanied by a canteen sighting of Boutros Boutros Gahli, or at least Charlie Dimmock."
Doug "refusing to work" in the TMS inbox
9th over - 35-1 Peach of a shot from Simmons, who scored 282 against England in a warm-up match, opening the face and gliding Broad to the third-man fence. Looks a decent player, Simmons, nephew of former Windies star Phil Simmons. A bit more elegant however. Two more for Simmons with another refined glide to third-man.
"More annoying than your myriad grammatical errors is your missing-out of crucial words at important stages: 'Anderson serving up a well-directed at 87mph'. A well-directed 87mph what? Halibut?"
Tom Osborn in the TMS inbox
8th over - 28-1 The current run-rate is 3, the required rate is over 5. But that's a cracking stroke, Anderson offering some width and Sarwan carving him away for four. One more for Sarwan with an angle to third-man, and there's Flintoff lurking on the boundary, back from his injury break. Anderson loses his footing and aborts a delivery, Simmons fends the next ball to short third-man for one.
7th over - 22-1 Leg-side ball from Broad and Prior doesn't get across, allowing the ball to run away for five wides. Question marks persist over the Sussex gloveman's skills behind the timbers. Sarwan rocks back and gets an under edge and this time Prior is right behind it. Wristy from Simmons, twirling the ball to third-man for one. Clive Lloyd and Lance Gibbs were both inducted into the hall of fame before play today... not sure many of the current side are future hall of famers...
"When the Mary Rose was brought to the surface, astonishingly, they found a survivor. His first words: 'Is Tavare into double figures yet?'"
Charlie Flindt in the TMS inbox
6th over - 14-1 Thirteen balls without a run now, make that 14... and 15, Anderson serving up a well-directed bumper at 87mph. Simmons shapes to hook, but thinks better of it. But that's a nice stroke, Simmons gliding Anderson to third-man. That's a decent stroke from Sarwan, whipping Anderson off his legs for three - good chasing from Batty. Any email danger?
5th over - 10-1 Hello you lot, I'm back after some chips and some fish. Here's Broad to local boy Sarwan and he blocks the first three balls and is unable to get the fourth ball away. Indeed, that's a maiden over and this is good bowling from the England new ball pair. Ben Beiny emails to bemoan my grammatical errors ("lot's of talk..."): first, I was on a break, and second, I think it was just a mistake by Mr Brett, he doesn't really think it should be written like that.
4th over - 10-1 Simmons cashes in on a loose one from Jimmy first up, glancing fine for four. Anderson's generally bowling well. He just beats Simmons' outside edge with a gorgeous leg-cutter.
3rd over - WICKET - Gayle lbw b Broad 2 (WI 6-1)
Well that's a tremendous start for Broad and England. The one pitching on and straightening to the left-hander - there's a bit of seam movement around here - traps the skipper bang in front. He does not look 100% fit, it must be said, but England won't be crying tears of sympathy.
Nice debate going on on 606 - click on the link above. Lots of talk about who should open for England, amid the reminder that once upon a time it was Brearley and Boycott. Thank goodness things have advanced since those miserable days.
2nd over - 4-0 Gareth Batty, wearing a silly-looking blue floppy hat, misfields badly close in on the leg-side as Lendl Simmons and West Indies get off the mark with three. Gayle deflects one down to third man - oh and the news on Colly is that he developed a migraine during that rain break we had. Let's hope he gets the right pills down his throat and can bowl later on. Good first over from Anderson, and no wides yet.
1st over - 0-0 Gayle leaves ones, flays and misses at another, lets the third go by and defends the fourth. Where are the fireworks? Well the fifth one is smashed, but straight to Bopara at point (Collingwood is off the field), and the final ball is brilliantly stopped by Bopara diving to his left.
Hi folks, Ben is still eating so it's me, Oliver Brett, to keep you right for the first few overs of West Indies' Gayle-charged run chase. Could be exciting. Stuart Broad to open the bowling - the wind seems to have got up a bit.
1750: We're going to have a half an hour break between innings, despite the rain break, but you can carry on listening to TMS during the interval or get involved on 606. Right, I'm off for some dinner.
Get involved on 606
50th over - WICKET - Broad run out 8 (Eng 263-7)
Bravo sends down a wide one and Prior misses out with a full-blooded cut. Umpire Dar should have given a wide there. Prior steps away and hammers the ball through the covers for one, and Broad is out next ball. Broad drops the ball down, Prior hares down the pitch and Bravo whips the bails off. Prior steps outside leg-stump and marmalises Bravo over mid-wicket for an abusive four. Prior picks up a single from the penultimate ball and Batty is off the mark from the final ball of the innings courtesy of a smear to mid-wicket for two. England 270-7.
"It's got to take some getting, but the West Indies will have to use all their skills and imagination. I think it's a pretty competitive total and it's going to take some getting."
Sir Vivian Richards on TMS
49th over - 262-6 Broad gives it some hammer and Gayle, fielding at mid-off, is unable to take a very sharp chance diving to his right. Broad scampers a couple before nicking one more - Prior would have been out given a direct hit. Prior clips Pollard to long-on, and there are just seven from the over. Not far off Paul in Lancs, although most of that mob would be turned away for not wearing proper shoes.
"I've thought for a while that this Brannigans you often refer to might resemble this Stradano depiction of Dante's Inferno, except with louder music and more expensive lager."
Paul in Lancs in the TMS inbox
48th over - 255-6 Broad is the new man and he plays and misses outside off-stump. The Notts seamer is off the mark with a nurdle off his pads for two before adding one. Slower ball from Bravo and Prior steps back and muscles the ball to the mid-wicket fence. Impeccable shot from Prior, stepping across his stumps and shovelling a straight full toss over his shoulder for four more. Chaos! Broad goes haring down the pitch, Prior sends him back and Bravo misses with his shy with Broad almost at Prior's feet. That wasn't very clever.
47th over - WICKET - Collingwood c Bravo b Pollard 69 (Eng 242-6)
That's a sweet little shot from Prior, angling Pollard to the third-man fence. One more for Prior before Colly tip-toes down the tracks and flogs Pollard to the mid-wicket fence. But that's Colly gone - he attempts a similar shot but this time Bravo snaffles the catch in the deep. Sir Viv doesn't like the dive, he didn't just make a meal of it, it was more of a banquet.
46th over - 232-5 The fielders go back and all of a sudden Collingwood cuts loose, heaving Bravo to the wide long-on boundary. The next shot from Colly is so ugly, if it had entered an ugly contest, the organisers would have said, "sorry, no professionals". Two for it though, and Collingwood picks up two more with a steer into the covers. Colly smears Bravo to mid-wicket from the last ball of the over, and Prior, sent back, just makes his ground.
45th over - 224-5 Pollard sticks one in the block but Collingwood is unable to find the gap in the off-side... and again, and the Windies are really strangling the life out of England here. More width, but still Colly is unable to pierce the off-side field. Just 17 runs from that powerplay, which is a bit like going to an all-you-can-eat buffet and eating a couple of asparagus spears.
44th over - 222-5 Full-bunger on leg-stump and Collingwood inexplicably nibbles it to the fielder at square-leg. England need hammer-dammer-ding-dong from these two rather than nurdles and nibbles. Collingwood picks up a single with a push to mid-off. One leg-bye as Bravo gets one to nip back at Prior before Colly scampers a quick single to point. England really struggling to slip up a gear on what appears to be a bit of a tricky pitch for batting.
43rd over - WICKET - Mascarenhas lbw b Pollard 0 (Eng 216-5)
AND ANOTHER! Mascarenhas misses a straight one and he's walking before the umpire can raise his finger. Prior is the new man at the crease and he's off the mark with a clip off his pads for one. Collingwood offered some width but he cuts straight to the fielder at point before nicking the strike with a single.
42nd over - WICKET - Shah c Ramdin b Bravo 62 (Eng 215-4)
Bravo strives for a yorker and Collingwood digs it out to long-on for two. England not exactly taking this powerplay by the jaffers, Shah appears to be under orders to batten down the hatches rather than shiver some timbers. Another full-bunger from Bravo that Shah is unable to get away, before the Middlesex man is out, attempting a slog-sweep and top-edging to Ramdin behind the stumps.
41st over - 210-3 Collingwood moves to his 21st ODI fifty with a push down the ground for one. It took 58 balls and was just about the most unobtrusive half-century you ever will see. Collingwood is to cricket what Percy Thrower was to TV gardening. Another wide from Pollard's, before Shah picks up a single to fine-leg.
40th over - 206-3 Collingwood steers Gayle to long-off for one as the sun doffs its hat up above. Gayle really struggling with his line, and that's the 21st wide so far. That's a peach of a shot from Shah, guiding Gayle through backward-point for four. England will be targeting about 260-270 here, and if these two can stick around, they should make it. England have a batting powerplay.
"Pollard's (see below) must have been a trans-Essex thing. We had one of those in Stanford-le-Hope. Brentwood actually has much to acclaim. Try being from Grays. The only famous person from here is Russell Brand, who must be admired for surviving, especially given his campness - that kind of thing isn't usually applauded round here."
Wizard, Grays, Essex, in the TMS inbox
39th over - 198-3 Paul McLoughlin, I'm not really going to Brannigans tonight, I'd rather hack my own nose off with a butter knife. Pollard strays down leg and is clipped away for one by Colly. Shah whips Pollard from outside off before Collingwood looks to be plumb, but Umpire Duncan reckons that was... that was... no idea what he thought that was doing, because Hawkeye reckons it was hitting middle stump.
38th over - 195-3 Right, we're back up and running. It's Gayle to continue and Shah clips him to mid-wicket for the first run after the restart. Actually, there was another wide first. Collingwood helps a leg-side delivery to fine-leg for one before Shah twirls Gayle into the off-side for a single.
"I once sat in a taxi just after June Whitfield had used it. The seat was still warm!"
Pete, Christchurch, in the TMS inbox
1639: Lady Gaga, not really aware of her work to be honest, I'm more of a Goth Hop man. I see she attended the Convent of the Sacred Heart in New York, and having knocked about with a few convent girls in my salad days, that means she must be a bit of a... hang on, looks like we're going to have play in a few minutes... We've set up a caption comp, have a go, it will be the best thing you do all hour.
"I haven't seen the Brian Clough film, and to change the subject slightly, Lady Ga Ga. What on earth is all that about? Her music is simply dreadful, and the last time I was looking she was dressed in porcelain. Extraordinary..."
Mark, Surrey, in the TMS inbox
1634: The covers are off again, and the stumps are in... we should have play again in a little while. Here's a picture of Ron Burgundy in the Australian slip cordon sent in by Matt.
"Sorry Ben, Sex Panther is illegal over here, it's made form real Panther - so you know it's good stuff. Why not go with London Gent instead?"
Youngey leaving the office (where I've been sculpting my guns, I have no time to get to the gym)
1623: The umpires are having a mosey about, but still no sign of the players. Anyone seen that Brian Clough film? Very mixed reviews, still think I'll watch it though. Covers have gone back on... the women's World Cup final is tomorrow, and it's England v New Zealand. Mark Mitchener is on clockwatch duty and we've got all sorts of stuff on the cricket index. Go on, have a look. Rich from Devon actually knows where to get hold of some Sex Panther, if anyone wants his address.
1615: The covers are coming off, so the rain must have ceased. Anyone know where I can get hold of some Sex Panther cologne? I'm going down Brannigans tonight, and you can't go Eating, Dancing and Cavorting sans Sex Panther.
"I was sat opposite TV comedy stalwart Geoffrey Palmer on the train into Marylebone yesterday. If this wasn't enough, on the way home I was privileged enough in the same carriage as Big Brother contestant Makosi Musambasi. If anyone can beat that ratio of celebrities to train journeys, I would be amazed and more than a little jealous."
Mike Parkin, Aston Clinton, in the TMS inbox
"One of the top order needs to get a ton today if England are to have a chance. My manager just speak to Ronnie Corbett on the phone."
Steve Machin in the TMS inbox
"Tony Wilson (see below) played in two or three charity cricket matches our club organised in Cheshire around the time of Live Aid, along with some of his Granada 'soap star' colleagues. He was an absolute gent, turned up on time each Sunday we played, went round with the collection bucket, and decided our team should be called 'The Happy Sundays', which we duly entered in our scorebook. Happy sunny (Sun) days."
Mick, Manchester, in the TMS inbox
1609: TMS is back on air...
"On the plus side Ben, Brentwood celebrities include Jodie Marsh and Frank Lampard. It makes you the most accomplished celebrity in my book."
Graham Jeater in nearby Ingatestone (previous home of Christian Daily, Graham Gooch & Shaka Hislop), Essex (Spiritual home of Burberry) in the TMS inbox
"I just popped over the road for a pizza in Wandsworth and who should be sitting at my favourite table, but Sir Clive of Woodward: who the hell did he think he was?"
37th over - 190-3
Pollard to continue. In Brentwood, where I grew up, there used to be a shop called Pollard's. It sold cheap socks and pants, which is a pretty good metaphor for Pollard's bowling. Colly glides Pollard to third-man for one and Shah picks up a single with a thick inside edge. Five wides! Pollard drags one down Colly's leg-side and the ball evades wicketkeeper Ramdin and dribbles away for four. Crackerjack shot from Colly, who rocks back and laces Pollard through point for four. Two more singles and that's a profitable over for England, 13 from it... and here comes the rain and players come off... oh my days, it looks more like Hull in November than Georgetown in March. Adair has mocked up a picture of Ron Burgundy/Mark Nicholas. Wonderful stuff.
36th over - 177-3 Gayle brings himself on to bowl and Collingwood pushes him to mid-on for one. A decent lbw appeal against Shah, but that was missing leg.
35th over - 176-3 Pollard into the attack with his dibbly-dobblies, and there's Shah's 10th ODI fifty from 67 balls. A cursory wave of the wand, and there are five from that over. A drinks break, and Shah jogs off to point Percy at the porcelain.
34th over - 171-3 Doozy of a stroke from Colly, flipping Miller over mid-wicket for four... AND AGAIN! Same shot, same result. One more for Collingwood with a clip to mid-on and there's another wide, the 12th off the innings. Good over for England, 10 from it.
33rd over - 161-3 Sammy is milked for three singles and the Providence Stadium is pretty full now. Shah picks up another single and that's five from the over. Sammy finishes with figures of 0-43 from his 10 overs, a decent effort. TMS has conked out - there was a sound like someone was surreptitiously passing wind, and then WHAMMY, nothing.
"I fancy Ron Burgundy as a brash, swaggering opening batsman. Can picture him exclaiming 'By the beard of Zeus!' when someone gets a fast one to nip back off the seam into his pads."
James, pretending to work, Southampton
32nd over - 156-3 Shah clips Miller to long-on for one before Colly gets in a right old pickle attempting a reverse sweep - lbw appeal, but it struck him outside off-stump. One for Colly with a clip to square-leg.
31st over - 154-3 One for Shah with a punch through the covers and Colly nicks a single with a whip off his pads. Sammy loses his line for once and Colly drags him round the corner for four. Shah looks like he's got problems with hand cramps again. Anyone been watching that Red Riding Trilogy? Pretty good, but why when they do 70's period pieces do they have to have a scene where someone walks about in brown/beige/yellow Y-fronts?
30th over - 147-3 That's a crackerjack stroke from Shah, going inside out and lofting Miller to the wide long-off boundary. Miller loses his line and Shah nibbles a single to fine-leg before Colly bags two runs with a work through mid-wicket.
29th over - 139-3 Sammy is Norris on the Spot in that over, he's been tighter than J Lo's knicker elastic so far. Shah does picks up one with a drop to leg and Colly picks up another single with a flick to mid-wicket.
"'Has there ever been an international cricketer before Nikita Miller named after an Elton John song?' I believe Yuvraj Singh is Punjab for Your Song."
Edward in the TMS inbox
28th over - 137-3 Collingwood stoops and paddles and very nearly holes out, but the man at slip is unable to chase it down. Three runs for the shot. Shah steals the strike with a single from the final ball.
27th over - 133-3 Sarah from Bucks sends a picture in of a nubile woman in a slinky black dress and waving a shooter about and asks "does Nikita Miller look like this?" This country. Collingwood nibbles Sammy to fine-leg for one and Shah picks up one with a nurdle to leg.
26th over - 130-3 Shah moves across his crease and whips Miller from outside off-stump for one. Colly drags Miller round the corner for one.
25th over - 128-3 Sammy, open-chested, bowls to Shah and the Middlesex man clips to long-on for one. Collingwood, who was off the mark with a nurdle to mid-wicket in the previous over (I've got that phrase as a shortcut on my pooter for when Collingwood bats) moves to two with another nurdle to mid-wicket. I may be wrong, but Collingwood is the kind of man who knows how to fix stuff, like my dad.
"Re Anchorman, for me the Brick Tamland of the team would have to be Monty. I imagine on every appeal he's screaming 'I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE SHOUTING ABOUT!'"
Craig, Kent, in the TMS inbox
24th over - WICKET - Bopara lbw b Miller 43 (Eng 117-3)
That was plumber than a box of basin wrenches: Bopara stays back, looking to clip off his pads, and is trapped right in front on his stumps. Fabulous shot from Shah, twirling those rubber wrists of his and angling the ball to the third-man boundary. Sweet as a nut. Collingwood's the new man, but Shah nicks the strike with a single.
23rd over - 117-2 A better over from the hosts, just two singles from it: a clip to leg from Shah and a turn off his pads from Bopara.
22nd over - 115-2 Good ball that from Miller, the ball turning, finding Shah's edge and dribbling away for four. These two are actually rattling along at a decent enough rate - 50 from 53 balls according to Sky, who are probably right. Shah squirts Miller into the covers for one. Has there ever been an international cricketer before Nikita Miller named after an Elton John song?
21st over - 108-2 England picking up singles at will - three from Sammy's over, plus a brace from Bopara courtesy of a back-cut to third-man.
20th over - 103-2 Shah opens the face and picks up one to point. Bopara rocks back and punches Miller into the covers for one to bring up England's ton and Shah continues to tug at the bowler's teats with a nurdle to leg.
19th over - 98-2 That's a huckleberry from Shah, driving Bravo wristily through wide mid-off for four. Chanderpaul was the man diving full length. That ball stops on Bopara again and he just manages to paddle Bravo round the corner for one. Shah check-drives to mid-on for a single and it now on 15.
18th over - 91-2 Shah hits uppishly through mid-on for a single. That ball to Bopara holds up and the Essex man shovels uppishly to mid-off. Whammy! Bopara, looking to angle the ball to third-man, is beaten outside off-stump.
"I'm glad to see that after a great run of form in the Test series, Extras has decided to show up for the one-dayers too. He's really in great form - posting record scores nearly every time he comes to the crease."
Paul (Virginia) in the TMS inbox
17th over - 87-2 Bopara flicks Bravo into the leg-side for a single and Shah fends Bravo away for one of his own. It's time for Nikita Miller. No idea why Sulieman Benn's not playing.
"I think it's a pretty well balanced match at this point. I'd like to think that we'd see some fireworks in the latter overs..."
Sir Vivian Richards on TMS
16th over - 82-2 Three singles before Bopara comes over all elegant again, opening the face and gliding Sammy to the third-man fence for four. Bopara nicks the strike with a single, and the rain is little more than spit.
"Pity, but these days you always think of KP as getting out for a cameo rather than dominating and getting a big score." Tennessee Scouser on 606
Join the debate on 606
15th over - 74-2 Boparadrops into the leg-side and thinks about taking a run, before changing his mind. Put your money on the next wicket being a runout, these two are like Mulligan and O'Haire between the wickets. We've got rain in Georgetown apparently, as Bopara goes over the top for four before being caught on the square-leg boundary - off a free hit.
14th over - 67-2 Shah is off the mark with a twirl into the off-side for one. Bopara clips Sammy, the first St Lucian to represent the Windies, into the leg-side for one. Steady from Sammy, England have some rebuilding to do.
13th over - WICKET - Pietersen c Powell b Bravo 17 (Eng 64-2)
Oh dear oh Lord, wides 10 and 11 from Bravo with successive balls. Bopara takes a quick run, and fortunately for him Chanderpaul is about as athletic as Shaun Ryder in the field. Tony Wilson reckoned Shaun Ryder was the "greatest poet since Yeats". Then again, Tony Wilson thought it would be a good idea for the Happy Mondays to record an album in Barbados, so you've really got to take everything he said with a pinch of salt. Oh, shake and bake - Pietersen marmalises Bravo straight down the ground for a magnificent six. Oh, but he's out next ball, dollying a catch to Powell at mid-on. The ball looked to get stuck in the pitch once again. Shah up next, and he blocks out the over.
12th over - 55-1 Bopara pulls on the gossamer gloves and guides Sammy down to third-man for one. Pietersen stands erect and clips Sammy to mid-on for a single. Ian Botham is so brown he looks like he's been hewn from mahogany and left to sit overnight in a vat of Rustin's Wood Stain.
11th over - 52-1 Bravo takes over from Powell, and not Miller, as we thought might be the case. Pietersen moves to 10 with an ugly whip from outside off-stump. Whoa! No need for that! Bopara whips the ball straight back down the ground and the ball rears up and hits KP on the lid. Nice bobbing and weaving from Pietersen, the old drama tart. Here's a picture of Dimitri Mascarenhas dressed up as a pirate.
10th over - 50-1 Two for KP with a clip into the leg-side before Pietersen whips a straight one from Edwards through mid-wicket for four. Dreamy. Pietersen flicks Edwards from outside off to fine-leg and that's England's fifty.
"To John in Loughborough (below): presumably Mark Nicholas had his eyes shut with his back to Springsteen, looking (or not looking in this case) at Nick in Leicester. Either that, or Nick had one of those little dental mirrors on a very long stick, which he uses to check out people standing in from of him at rock concerts."
Christian in Zurich in the TMS inbox
9th over - 43-1 Pietersen drives his first ball from Powell into the stumps at the other end. Good shot from KP and a good stop by the man at mid-wicket. Just one for the stroke. But that's a doozy from Bopara, who stands tall and whip-cracks Powell through point for four. I made a sound like Bernard Breslaw when he played that shot, bootiful, and credit where credit's due, this is more like it from England. Sorry Barb in Hythe, Ron Burgundy is the anchor man for Channel 4 News in San Diego, and Brick Tamland is the weather man.
8th over - 38-1 KP is off the mark with a guide off his hip for one. Not sure this pitch really suits Pietersen, too slow for him really. Bopara squirts Edwards through point for a couple. That's meat and drink for Bopara, nibbling Edwards off his pads for four.
"I thought I saw the non-Goth one from the Mighty Boosh crossing the street in Aberdeen the other week and got very excited. Until I realized it actually was him, which sort of took the shine off the whole incident
Any chance of keeping cricket excitement to a minimum? Apparently, my boss can tell from the way I sit upright and eager at my desk if it's a good match that I'm watching the text commentary."
Emma in the TMS inbox
"If Mark Nicholas is Ron Burgundy, which cricketer is Brick Tamland? Tuffers could be a candidate? Is that harsh?"
Matt Duncan-Jones in the TMS inbox
7th over - WICKET - Strauss c Bravo b Powell 15 (Eng 28-1)
That's more like it, Strauss walking down the track and steering Powell through the covers for four. Bit of intent, like it. But do I not like that - Strauss has a go at what would have been a wide, the ball gets stuck in the pitch and he dollies it straight to Bravo at backward-point. A man called Kevin Pietersen is in next. He's quite good at cricket. Leg-side wides from Powell, three of them.
6th over - 24-0 Bopara drops Edwards into the leg-side for one before Strauss nurdles a single. The locals still streaming through the turnstiles, apparently they're a bit hot on security at the Providence Stadium. Watchful stuff from England. George Foreman once said, "boxing is like jazz, the better it is, the less people appreciate it". I wish I could say the same about this, but in truth it's just a little bit dull.
"How did Nick from Leicester (see below) know that Mark Nicholas had his eyes closed a lot if he was behind him?"
John, Loughborough, in the TMS inbox
5th over - 21-0 Looks to be a difficult pitch timing-wise and Bopara is through that shot, an attempted flick off his chest, too quick. Bopara tucks Powell into the leg-side for a single before Strauss plays and misses. Good ball that, the perfect line to the left-hander. Bit of width for Strauss and the England skipper is denied by Bravo at backward-point. First real attacking stroke from England, two runs for it.
4th over - 17-0 Not the most thrilling start this, and there's another looping wide from Edwards, the seventh so far. If anyone wants to follow some top-class international cricket today, I strongly recommend South Africa v Australia. A mix-up between the England openers - Edwards appeals for lbw against Bopara, some "yes and no" stuff follows and had Sammy hit, the Essex man would have been miles out. Strauss works Edwards off his pads for one.
"Great to see Mascarenhas in the side - can someone Photoshop him into a pirate for me? Please? He is just a class A pirate and I love him."
Rachel Tyrrell, Lincoln
3rd over - 13-0 Strauss cuts hard to third man for one. Whoa! That ball from Powell shoots straight through at ankle height and very nearly cleans him up. There are some gremlins in this track after all. Two more wides from Powell, he's all over the oche. Not as much as you'd think Richard (see below), although I was very, very hard. The most painful aspect is when the bloke who sorts the cabs out in the BBC foyer shouts my name out... extremely loud. I swear he does it on purpose. I saw Konnie Huq laughing at me once.
"This may seem quite insensitive, but did you get any problems at school with a name like Ben Dirs? You know how cruel kids can be."
Richard "Dick" Looker, Edinburgh, in the TMS inbox
2nd over - 10-0 Edwards shares the new cherry with Powell and he gives up the third wide of the innings with his second ball. Strauss cuts uppishly and picks up one through where fourth slip would have been. One run. Bopara flings his bat wildly outside off-stump and is beaten. Another wide.. someone wants to tell Gayle that we got rid of eight-ball overs in about 1980.
"I once stood behind Mark Nicholas at a Bruce Springsteen gig. Lots of singing along with his eyes closed
Nick in Leicester in the TMS inbox
1st over - 7-0 Powell opens up for the Windies and Strauss misses out with a wild and windy woosh outside off-stump. England off the mark with a wide down leg-side. Strauss very nearly chops on next ball, but England move onto two courtesy of another Powell wide. First runs off the bat, Strauss clipping off his legs for three. Bopara squirts into the off-side for a couple. Not sure about Powell, he is to West Indian fast bowling what the Austin Montego is to Formula One. We've got the rights back, which should be triffic. That's nice James (see below)... I found 10p once...
"Assuming that this will be a terribly embarrassing defeat for England, can we keep the cricket talk to a minimum and discuss something interesting today? I saw a man who looked like Jose Mourinho on the train this morning."
James Dimelow in the TMS inbox
1329: If Ron Burgundy was a cricketer, he'd be Mark Nicholas. Fact. The players are out and we're going to have some cricket in a moment. Not that many people in, about a quarter full, although it's sold out apparently.
"Always good to get the day off to a start with a classic Anchorman quote. Always wondered what type of cricket player Ron Burgundy would be if he was to don the classic whites? Any thoughts?"
A Barrick in the TMS inbox
1323: Any danger of a win today England? You're starting to bore me with all these losses, you really are. "It's a new start for England," says Simon Hughes on TMS, "I'm excited to see how they get on."
"Sir Ben of Dirsyshire, why is Strauss in the side? Is there any rule that says the captain has to play? Couldn't he have just gone on for the coin toss and then given his place in the side to a person capable of playing one-day cricket like Joe Denley of Kent or Graham Napier of Essex?"
Andy in Tooting in the TMS inbox
1318: Agreed Rob (see below), some pretty muddled selection going on in the England camp. Why didn't Prior play in the Twenty20? And why is he back now? And Harmison - what's that all about? Who knows, or dares to dream. Mind you, KP's at three, which has got to be a good thing.
"It's wonderful to see the selectors return to the 'best mates' way of selection... pray what did Davies do wrong other than keep well and bat more positively than Prior? Ridiculous, hopefully they'll prove me wrong!"
Robin, Nottingham, in the TMS inbox
1315: Hampshire all-rounder Dimitri Mascarenhas is also back for England, as is Worcestershire off-spinner Gareth Batty, who starts his first ODI for three years.
1310: Sir Ian of Bothamshire reckons this pitch is a "road". Should be stacks of runs in it, although the word is it might become more and more difficult to score runs as the match progresses. Windies skipper Chris Gayle is fit and will open for the hosts.
West Indies: Chris Gayle (capt), Ramnaresh Sarwan, Lendl Simmons, Shivnarine Chanderpaul, Dwayne Bravo, Kieron Pollard, Darren Sammy, Denesh Ramdin (wk), Nikita Miller, Fidel Edwards, Daren Powell
England: Andrew Strauss (capt), Ravi Bopara, Kevin Pietersen, Owais Shah, Paul Collingwood, Matt Prior (wk), Dimitri Mascarenhas, Stuart Broad, Gareth Batty, Steve Harmison, James Anderson
1305: Aaah, Georgetown, Guyana, drink it in... it always goes down smooth... Hello you. England skipper Andrew Strauss has won the toss and he's going to have a bat. Matt Prior and Steve Harmison are back in the side in place of Steven Davies and Amjad Khan, Strauss will open with Ravi Bopara.