THIRD TEST, Trent Bridge (day one):
England 273-7 v New Zealand
A magnificent 12th Test century from Kevin Pietersen helped England to 273-7 after day one of the final Test against New Zealand at Trent Bridge.
Pietersen (115) hit 14 fours and shared 161 in 50 overs with Tim Ambrose (67).
Having lost two wickets in the first 13 overs after being put in, England then saw three wickets fall in the first three overs of the afternoon session.
After the fine sixth-wicket rearguard, New Zealand ensured an even first day by striking twice with the new ball.
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1810: Eng 273-7
Broad and Jimmy A survive, and that's us done for the day. England's day by not very much, I'd say. Thanks for all the emails etc - super work as ever. See you around the 1040 mark on Friday for le continuatione.
1806: Eng 271-7
Fun in the late evening sun for Broad. He punches an O'Brien full toss through the covers for four and then edges through the slips for four more.
1801: Eng 263-7
Jimmy survives a big lbw shout against Mills, but Umpire Hair had that spot-on - it was a'sliding down leg. Two overs left in the day.
1754: WICKET - Ambrose c Hopkins b O'Brien 67, Eng 262-7
Ah - Tiny aims a tired cut at one too close to him and gets a clear snicker through to the stumper. Great knock, big love from the crowd as he scampers off. You'll like this too - Jimmy Anderson has come in as a nightwatchman - to protect Ryan Sidebottom.
From Jonathan Farrington, TMS inbox: "My wife, who is French, was completely confused when she came to watch me play for the first time and enquired why all the players gathered in the middle periodically and 'clapped hands' with each other. I explained this was in celebration and called 'high fives' as in 'Hey, give me five'. Two months later, having succeeded where I had failed miserably in erecting a new rotary washing-line, she charged into the house excitedly, with her hands raised above her head shouting 'Hey, give me one'."
1749: Eng 260-6
O'Brien drops short and wide again and Ambrose helps himself to four more. Easy peas. As far as the Kiwis are concerned, Tiny moves to suckstee-sucks.
1746: Eng 255-6
Tiny to 62 with a lovely slashing square cut for four. He's scored 77% of his runs through the off-side, and yet they keep feeding him. Some people.
1741: Eng 251-6
Eight overs to go as Stuart Broad strides to the crease. He's off the mark straight away with a checked punch drive through mid-off for four.
From Peter Dodd, TMS inbox: "Re office cricket - my colleague and I have our own rules; a necessity is a table tennis ball; we work across a shared very large desk- the pitch; various picture on the walls are the fielders, and our wire paper bins the wickets and a nice plastic ruler the bat. My personal best is 68 not, my colleagues has two tons to his name."
1737: WICKET - Pietersen c Hopkins b O'Brien 115, Eng 247-6
That's a shame - KP wearily fences at a shortish one outside off and thins through to give Hopkins his first Test pouch. Grimace from KP before he de-lids and quite rightly milks the slow walk back to the dressing-room. Standing ovation from all concerned. Saved England's bacon, that partnership - it was worth 161, and came just as the deck was canting dangerously. Hats off.
1735: Eng 247-5
New ball taken by Enn Zedd. Mills canters in and is popped away for a sleepy three by KP.
1730: Eng 244-5
Mills to Pietersen, but it's all turned a touch sludgey out there. Approx half an hour's play left on the clock.
From Rev'd Deacon John Letley, RC Chaplain HMP Swaleside, TMS inbox: "As I sit in my Sacristy preparing for this evening's Lectio Divina, your comment about cricket porn made me wonder what kind of relationships you have."
You and me both, Rev - you and me both.
1726: Eng 244-5
Good swing from Jay Coboram. Tiny tweaks a single.
From Phil Cross, TMS inbox: "A very ex-girlfriend, on spotting 'The Who Live In Leeds' LP in my collection, asked why they still didn't live in London as they were so successful."
1722: Eng 243-5
TV replays are showing lots of hi-motion replays of KP's blade battering ball. It's like cricket porn.
From Patrick Tranter in London: "My colleague Danny and I are wondering if Simon in London could explain the rules of his cricket game further. We play a good game of 'leg cricket' in the office where your back leg is your bat, stress ball is the leather and a fire extinguisher serves as the wicket."
1718: Eng 242-5
He might have been, but he's got a bottle of well-known isotonic sports drink instead. Oram gets one to jump up like Kriss Kross from just short of a length.
1716: Eng 241-5
Five lovely loopers from Vettori before a short one that KP belts through cover again. Despite the recent drinks break, KP is making the Sign of Merson at the England dressing-room. Is he asking for champagne?
1713: Eng 237-5
Oram, the definition of steadiness, keeps Ambrose tidy. He strolls up the pitch to complete a sporting tableau not seen since Peter Crouch last partnered Wayne Rooney.
1707: Eng 237-5
Drinks break, in case you were wondering. I've gone for a water. Disappointing. KP smashes Vettori to the cover fence. I've just been told that Prince Philip turns 87 next week. All that time and he's still not a king. Heart-break.
1659: Eng 228-5
With a smooth swing of the blade, KP creams Martin to the extra cover fence. That's his 12th Test ton - his slowest yet - but he tugs off his lid and leaps in the air like a frog on a trampoline. Standing ovation from those still capable of standing. In the pavilion, Prince Philip is staring out at the scenes of celebration while a toady whispers into his ear. The prince looks confused. "Is that chap Rhodesian?" he appears to be asking.
1657: Eng 224-5
Oohs from the masses as KP pulls his blade out of the way a touch late and gets a bottom edge past his castle for a four that's so jammy you could fill a doughnut with it.
From Simon in London, TMS inbox: "My colleague and I are so bored at work we have fashioned a game of cricket using a bottle of hand lotion (borrowed from the girl in HR), a telephone (slips) and a globe stress ball. I am 12 not out after the Aussie put one down at backward point."
1653: Eng 218-5
Wallop - Martin drops a fraction shy and KP belts him off the front foot just past the plunging How at mid-on. Nine off his ton. Hold onto your seats.
1648: Eng 214-5
Oram to the forum. KP walks across his timbers and picks up two leg-byes, and then cruches through midwicket for three more. Kiwis looking puffed.
1642: Eng 209-5
Vettori decides to turn his arm over again. He drops a lazy opener short and Ambrose thwacks him square for three to bring up his half-century. 102 balls and seven fours in the knock. KP, aghast to be elbowed out of the spotlight, cuts away for three of his own before Tiny square cuts another two. Vettori scratches his beard philosophically.
1638: Eng 201-5
The sun's still baking down at Trent Bridge. Ambrose scampers a single.
From Oliver Smiddy, TMS inbox: "I took my girlfriend to an England match at Twickenham a few years back, and we were wandering round the West car park looking for pre-game refreshments, when came upon the huge Tetley's tent. 'Why is there such a big tea tent?' she said."
1633: Eng 200-5
Streaky from KP to bring up England's 200 - a one-handed edge through the vacant third slip slot for four. The partnership's up to 144; KP on 81 and Tiny on 46. The England pair have a chin-wag in the middle. Ambrose speaks rapidly at KP's midriff while KP regally addresses a spot somewhere above Ambrose's head.
1628: Eng 195-5
Single to Tiny Tim as a bottom edge hits Ross Taylor on the foot at slip. Chants starting up in the stands. Men in identical Hawaiian shirts are amusing themselves by looking at each other through binoculars.
From Andrew Findlay, TMS inbox: "Re Phil in Stoke and TV listings, that lovely story confirms all the delightful stereotypes of women being a bit dim. Doesn't take a rocket scientist to work out that Channel 4+1 = Channel 5."
1622: Eng 194-5
Crisp as you like from KP - crackerooing Mills to the long-on fence with a drive that almost leaves scorch-marks in the grass. 77 now for the sweat-banded supremo.
From Dave Cooper, TMS inbox: "A few years back, my girlfriend commented on the fact that a woman was batting for England. Upon further investigation it became apparent she had seen a TV graphic entitled Joyce Wagonwheel."
1618: Eng 188-5
Maiden again. KP removes his lid and stares regally around his kingdom , all the better to catch the photographers' lenses. In the crowd, three men in sombreros and multi-coloured ponchos rehydrate on cerveza.
From Rachel Gamble, TMS inbox: "At the risk of compounding the inevitable (looking at the evidence) theory that women are useless with names lyrics etc, as a child I thought for years that the well known line from Grease was 'I've got shoes, they're made of plywood.'"
1614: Eng 188-5
Ambrose has had enough. He narrows his tiny eyes and smashes O'Brien back past Umpire Bucknor for a lusty four. Well-oiled arghs from the stands. He then leans back and slashes a top edge down to the third man fence. That's the 100 partnership.
From James in Bath, TMS inbox: "Granted some of those Neils are mildly impressive (and some are scraping the bottom of the barrel), but imagine how much better all those people would have been if they were called Neo. 'First man on the moon, Neo Armstrong'."
1610: Eng 180-5
Third maiden on the trot. Take that, Twenty20 fans.
1606: Eng 180-5
Nearly the greatest catch of all time from Jamie How there - Ambrose drills a drive into mid-wicket, and How goes full length to his left to bag and then spill the ball. Just came out when he hit the deck, but that had the potential to be better than Ramps v the Windies in '91. Almost Dalrymplesque.
From Dave Brewer, TMS inbox: "My missus is quite convinced that by taking anticipatory action you could be said to pre-empty something. I daren't say anything after I previously corrected her pronunciation of 'quinoa' in the supermarket only to be struck unsportingly in the delicates with a packet of rice while she shrieked 'I suppose that's rissay'."
1602: Eng 180-5
Now then. you'd think that England could crack on here and be nicely placed come the close, if the mere typing of those words wasn't even to guarantee it'll never happen. Maiden from Kyle Mills to get us underway again.
From Phil in Stoke, TMS inbox: "My wife has a number of confused episodes, typified the other night by ranting that there was no TV listing for Channel 4 +1."
1540: Eng 180-5
Tea. KP strides away on 71 not out, Tiny on 36. Good recovery, that. Anyone for a Mini-Battenburg?
From Neil in Slough, TMS inbox: "To James In Bath - Neil, boring???!! What about such great Neils as Neil Armstrong (astronaut), Neil Young (rock god), Neil Diamond (not a rock god), Neil Tennant (pop god), Neil Jenkins (Welsh rugby god), Neil Morrisey (acting... um, god)."
1535: Eng 179-5
Martin strays wide again and is edged through gully by Tiny Tim for four. After a tipped-away single Martin goes too far the other way and is bottom-handed away by KP for a wristy slapped four between mid-on and mid-wicket. KP to 70, and he removes his lid, turns his face to the sun and closes his eyes in Icarus fashion.
From Jeff Dutton, TMS inbox: "I once rang my mother-in-law for the Test score off Ceefax. She said England were batting and it was 3 for 1. Fortunately, that was the Ceefax page number, and England were rattling along at 1 for 0."
1531: Eng 169-5
KP defends with exaggerated caution and then, as soon as the over is concluded, practises a back-dislocator of a pull-slog.
Should you have a spare minute that needs filling, why not read Alec Stewart's blog?
1525: Eng 166-5
Crash-a-boom - KP rocks back and crashes Martin to the deep square leg boundary. Nice acceleration here. Bit of chat between the pair as the ball is fetched. "I'm sorry - who are you?" asks KP.
1520: Eng 161-5
A slice of old-fashioned KP there - he waits for a fuller one from Martin and smashes him through cover with meaty relish. 61 now. At the non-striker's end, Ambrose is trying to scratch an itch on his nose - with little success, as his gloves have so much padding that it's like trying to pick up a peanut while wearing a pair of oven gloves.
From Nick, TMS inbox: "My wife spent the best part of 20 years telling me that things that didn't live up to expectations were damp squids. Eventually I was forced to point out that squid were, on balance, big fans of dampness."
1516: Eng 156-5
Tickle behind square from KP, and a spot of scampering puts two more on the clock. Movement in the crowd as the forward-thinkers start considering tea-time bar queues.
1512: Eng 153-5
Chris Martin back to the mic, but he's still not on song. He drops short outside off and is slapped away happily by Tiny Tim. 67 now, this partnership. Just shy of half an hour until tea.
1506: Eng 147-5
Tidy from Big J; single to KP. Just a few lonely clouds up above. Very much a day for short sleeves and constant refrescos.
1500: Eng 146-5
Down on one knee goes KP, and he smash-sweeps Vettori through mid-wicket for the four that brings his 50. Four fours and 106 balls in the knock. Roars from the well-fuelled patrons. Ambrose darts back to another one and cuts with useful timing for another four. A man in the pavilion wakes up with a start and looks around in confused fashion.
1455: Eng 135-5
Single to Ambrose as Vettori flights. KP stays patient for three and then heaves a sweep down to deep square leg for a legged-it three.
From James in Bath, TMS inbox: "My mate thought Keanu Reeves' character in the Matrix was 'Neil'. He couldn't understand why they gave such an important person such a boring name."
1452: Eng 131-5
Good nibble from Oram. He beats KP with a gentle away-snaker and then does him the other way. Cheeky. Not sure what "Lynn" was doing, but she looked like she'd lost a bit of weight. All that worry about the second series, I imagine.
From Vic in Belfast, TMS inbox: "Can anyone confirm Ambrose's party-piece of walking upright under a coffee-table with Ian Bell on his shoulders, whilst wearing a top-hat?"
1448: Eng 131-5
Drinks break. Ambrose sips a fruit juice, KP a raw-steak smoothie. Vettori twirls and KP preens a single.
1442: Eng 130-5
Two singles off Jay. In the flurry of wickets post-lunch, I forget to mention that I spotted the actress who plays Lynn on Alan Partridge at lunchtime. At the time I was quite excited, but as this sentence has continued I'm gradually realising how dull the anecdote is. Apologies.
1439: Eng 128-5
KP to 40 with a restrained single off Vettori. Ambrose sticks his behind out in his batting stance and then drives weakly for a uno of his own. Partnership up to 42.
From Wes Bennett in Birmingham, TMS inbox: "I once asked my girlfriend for the cricket score, while I was cutting the grass, she replied 240 divided by 4."
1435: Eng 124-5
Jay Coboram thunders in. Ambrose tries to cut a ball that's going just over middle stump and is almost cut in half. Vettori is telling himself to get warmed up.
1431: Eng 124-5
Ambrose flails again and picks up three more down to the cover fence. Enormous helmet the lad's wearing - maybe he's stashed a couple of spare sangers from lunch up there.
From Scott in Surbiton, TMS inbox: "Is Vaughan trying the classic schoolboy 'Mum, I'm ill routine' in an attempt to explain his middle orders post lunch collapse? KP with his billtong-hardened stomach is having no such issues, it would seem."
1427: Eng 117-5
KP's now walking down the pitch as the bowler chugs in. His chest is swelling at the same rate as Katie Price's. Ambrose half-drives away for three.
1422: Eng 114-5
Better from KP - a flamingo swat between mid-wicket and mid-on for three plus a no-ball. Vaughan is now draped over the balcony railings like a rag-doll. This doesn't look good.
From Neil Rogers, TMS inbox: "For months my girlfriend thought Andrew and Freddie Flintoff were brothers."
1418: Eng 109-5
Mills throws up his hands in disbelief as Ambrose flirts like a tipsy aunty at a wobbler outside off. Michael Vaughan's wearing sunglasses up on the England balcony, probably to hide the tell-tale tears.
1412: Eng 109-5
KP goes for a big drive over cover and gets a thick outside edge that just clears the leapers. Ambrose plays and misses again and gets a self-important bellow from his towering team-mate at the other end.
From John Butler, TMS inbox: "I was watching The Cosby Show, here in Sweden, that featured a Jamaican talking about cricket and mentioned Sir Garfield Sobers. The subtitles had the name as Cigarfield Sobers."
1408: Eng 103-5
Ambrose steps back and cuts like Geraint Jones through point for four. Next ball he aims an airy wave and nearly nibbles behind. A glimpse of Collingwood on the England balcony. He's chewing at his thumb while staring down at the floor like a man trying not to vomit.
From Lawrence Tallis, TMS inbox: "After months of watching cricket together, my girlfriend one afternoon asked me what the 'jamodu' sign on the field was for. I explained that it was the 'npower' sign that she'd been looking at the previous over, just viewed from the other side of the ground. Well done babe."
1405: Eng 97-5
O'Brien teeters in to Ambrose and beats a feeble feel outside off. Grimaces and hands to mouths around the ground.
From Chris Pelly, TMS inbox: "My grandmother thought she was going bonkers when she repeatedly heard commentators talking about "My cat" playing for the England rugby team."
1402: Eng 97-5
KP is relishing this. "It's all down to you, KP," you can almost see him saying. He clumps Mills through mid-wicket for four and then misses with a monstrous hay-maker aimed in the same direction. Down at the other end, Ambrose looks so small in comparison that he might as well be a seven-year-old.
From Robbie Green, TMS inbox: "My ex thought Shoaib Akhtar was called Showy Bakhtar."
1357: Eng 91-5
Sing hosannas - I can type an update without any need to insert a duck/finger graphic. KP edges through third slip for four and looks meaningfully at Tiny Tim Ambrose at the other end. Tiny's done well to make it all the way to the crease without being dismissed, the way things have been going.
From Liz Rothe, TMS inbox: "Not cricket, but my brother grew up thinking that Nat King Cole was infact Napkin Cole, until he saw a CD cover."
1350: WICKET - Collingwood c Taylor b Mills 0, Eng 86-5
Let's look on the bright side here - at least we won't be stuck watching Bell and Colly scrabble all afternoon like men who've dropped their contact lenses. Collingwood prods forward like a man who's never held a bat before and gets a fat edge to tumbling Taylor at first slip.
From Beau Merchant, TMS inbox: "When Strauss was caught, a piece of Kit-Kat fell out of my mouth onto my t-shirt. It's melted. I now have to go to the hairdressers with chocolate on my t-shirt. Thanks Strauss."
1346: WICKET - Bell lbw O'Brien 0, Eng 85-4
Moans of dismay come from those same agaped mouths as Bell goes for a quacker, trapped bang in front with one speared in by O'Brien. The bowler kisses his own hand and waves his other at the sunny sky, and Bell trudges off without removing his lid. The shame, the shame... Still - no need to panic - here comes Collywoo... oh...
1342: WICKET - Strauss c Taylor b Mills 37, Eng 84-3
What was that? Strauss, his mind clearly still on the lunch-time dressing-room spread, thrashes wildly at a wide one and edges into Taylor's grateful palms at second slip. Shocked silence at Trent Bridge - mouths are agape around the ground, wet balls of white bread and cucumber hanging off bottom lips.
From Mike Parkin in Bucks: "Until she saw his name in print recently, my girlfriend thought Jacob Oram was called Jay Caborum. Have have readers got any other amusing cricketing-based name mix-ups? "
1300: Eng 84-2
There we go - pile into your sangers, for lunch is upon us. Strauss holding things together on 37 not out, KP becalmed on 15. I'm off for a two-for-one satsuma offer at the local well-known supermarket.
From Mike in Ashford, TMS inbox: "Am at our local supermarket, and a bloke has just walked out with a packet of frozen peas, and is rubbing one up and down his inner thigh. He says it's part of 'an experiment', but I have alerted security, and he is about to be removed."
1255: Eng 83-2
Chris Martin is lined up for a quick fling before luncheon, and Strauss welcomes him back with a lovely clip off his legs for four. Might be time for two more overs here - oh, who am I trying to fool? Sweepstake dreams lie in tatters.
From "Fingers" Finlay, TMS inbox: "A big hello and thanks to Superintendent Lee Freeman for giving all us tea leaves free rein for the day."
1252: Eng 77-2
It's not going to happen for me, is it? Vettori loops one past KP's stretching blade and almost catches the filmy varnish. Good KP wants to survive until lunch, but Bad KP wants to charge down the pitch and smash Vettori into the Trent.
1248: Eng 76-2
That's more like it - Strauss leans into a wider one from Oram and drills it past a diving point for a pressure-relieving four.
From Rob Budd in Horsham, TMS inbox: "Is this Superintendent allowing his men to have the day off simply because it's sunny and the cricket's on? Is the time to commit a crime in the Nottinghamshire area now while their detectives are out getting pop and sweeties?"
1245: Eng 72-2
KP is trying to show patience, but he's like a teenager being taken round a National Trust stately home by his mum during the school holidays - he's almost chewing his helmet grille off with frustration. Vettori ties him up like a turkey. 15 minutes now for England to get the 24 runs I need to pick up the £11 sweepstake bounty. It's not looking good.
1239: Eng 68-2
Vettori it is. KP uses arms like Mr Tickle's to reach forward and smother any nascent tweak, and then steps back to slap away a two through cover.
From Reuben, TMS inbox: "I read with some dismay of Adrian's cornflake and pea recreation of that swing thing. I think Adrian will find, as have I, that the peas rapidly defrost and trying to emulate swing with a moist pea is somewhat of a challenge. He would be better off using the pea from inside a whistle."
1235: Eng 66-2
Another maiden from Oram. Looks like Vettori will have a twirl at the other end. You may have heard about these special shiny trousers the Kiwis were supposed to be wearing today - apparently they're not, after all. Not wearing them, rather than them not being shiny. Although they are wearing ordinary trousers.
1231: Eng 66-2
HMS Blighty seems to have drifted into the Doldrums. Just a single to a visibly fretting KP. Vaughan briefly appears on the England balcony before darting nervously back into the darkness like a cricketing Garbo.
From Superintendent Lee Freeman, TMS inbox: "Big hello to all my detectives who are there today enjoying the match on a day off today. If it rains I expect you back in."
1227: Eng 65-2
Two maidens on the bounce, which is far from ideal for my sweepstake hopes. In one of the non-new stands, two young girls are playing slapsies. It's a well-balanced contest at the moment - both of them are on the brink of tears.
From Adrian, TMS inbox: "I have just been out in the garden constructing a scale replica stand out of cornflake boxes to do some experiments on this so called 'micro climate' phenomenon. I am now off to the supermarket to get some frozen peas to use as balls. I will report back later when I have some conclusive findings."
1220: Eng 65-2
Giant Jacob Oram from the Radcliffe Road End. KP steps across his stumps and gets a piece of pad onto an in-dipper to send the ball scooting down to long leg for four byes. This score might not be ideal for England, but it's perfect for me - I plumped for a score of 96-2 at lunch in the BBC Interactive sweep this morning.
From John Childs, TMS inbox: "On the subject of Robin Smith, who has the bigger forearms, The Judge or Wing Commander Strauss? My tuppence worth says it's Judgey by a (South African) country mile..."
More to the point, are you the same John Childs who once twirled for Essex and England? Weren't you a worse batsman that Neil Foster?
1215: Eng 58-2
KP calls Strauss through for a quick 'un, but he hadn't spotted the swooping Vettori at mid-on. The Kiwi skipper picks up cleanly and flings at the stumps - and if he'd hit, KP was back in the hutch. Whoosh.
1210: Eng 53-2
O'Brien strays a fraction down leg and KP does his flamingo shot, leaning onto his front foot and bottom-handing a sweetly-timed four through mid-wicket for his first boundary. New Zealand aren't happy with the ball, probably because it won't hit the stumps enough. Umpo Bucks searches through a box of spares and selects a new one like your grandad picking out a brazil-nut toffee from the Christmas chocolate box.
1204: Eng 49-2
Single to KP, which allows him to preen himself at the non-striker's end like a lion at the watering hole. Strauss waits for a fuller one and pushes it down the ground for a jogged two.
From Darren Winstone, TMS inbox: "Please thank your mum for agreeing to bake a cake for my mother's 60th at the end of this month."
What's this? I haven't had a cake off her for months, and now she's dishing them out to non-family members?
1158: Eng 45-2
KP runs out like a boxer, flicking up his heels and waving his bat around in the manner of 1994-era Robin Smith. Silent prayers are being offered by patrons around the ground - "Please spare us from an afternoon watching Colly and Bell scratch around like itchy roosters."
1153: WICKET - Vaughan b O'Brien 16, Eng 44-2
What the... O'Brien gets him this time, and there's delirium in the Kiwi ranks. Not sure the ball did anything - it was pitched up, and Vaughan had a eyes-wide monster-waft at it. Timbers everywhere.
From Adrian at Imperial College, TMS inbox: "As a physics student I would love to help you but unfortunately today is the last day of exams for all the final year students, so most of us are busy and are looking forward to never thinking about physics again."
1147: Eng 44-1
Yup - Vettori flings the ball at Iain O'Brien. The new man drops short second ball to Vaughan and is flipped away through mid-wicket for another boundary, before a brutal in-jagger rips past the off-peg and the flailing glove of debutant stumper Gareth Hopkins. Vaughan makes the face that Vic Reeves used to make when saying the word, "Oovarvu," on Shooting Stars.
From Erik Petersen, TMS inbox: "Like most right-thinking people, I have some serious concerns about this micro-climate that's apparently been created by the new Trent Bridge stand. What could micro-climate stands mean for the future of humanity? North Korea already has demonstrable football stand technology. If Kim Jong-Il obtained basic cricket stand technology from Pakistan, for example, how long would it take to build up a cricket stand micro-climate controlling arsenal?"
1142: Eng 36-1
Mills over-pitches again and Strauss clonks him back past his bootlaces for another delightful four. Mills puffs out his cheeks and finds his length for the next four deliveries. Looks like Martin could be taking a blow at the other end.
From Andrew Wells, TMS inbox: "Re David Russell's comment on swing - recent research has shown that a lot of swing is caused by micro-currents in the air. These are like very small winds, in the six / seven feet above ground level. A new stand can cause a lot of difference to these."
1138: Eng 32-1
Where's Vaughan, did you say? Right here - creaming Martin through cover for two swoony fours and then battering a short one past mid-off like a Red Bulled KP.
1133: Eng 20-1
That's more like it from the huge-forearmed opener. Mills over-pitches while straining for in-dip and is driven back down the ground for a photograph-this four.
From Sarah in Bucks, TMS inbox: "I now have this image of Ali Cook walking back to the pavilion in tears, perhaps with his eyeliner all smudged. Am I crazy? Perhaps."
He's now inside the dressing-room, listening to Nick Drake on his iPod and sucking mournfully on a high-carb bar left quietly at his side by Peter Moores.
1129: Eng 14-1
Martin decides to have a joust around the wicket, angling them in and then darting them away like angry minnows. Strauss keeps his blade tucked away behind his gleaming pads.
From David Russell in Upper Broughton, TMS inbox: "Please can you ask all the physics students reading your commentary instead of revising, to tell us how a stand can make the ball swing. This seems as unlikely as a sunny day this summer."
1123: Eng 14-1
Skipper Vaughan comes out and must feel like he's walked into a shooting gallery. Mills almost cleans him up first ball, has a big ell bee shout up next and then draws a play-and-miss before Umpire Bucknor calls it quits. Dreadful business.
1119: WICKET - Cook b Mills 6, Eng 14-1
Clunk-thunk - Cookie prods hopefully forward to a Mills in-dipper and gets a big inside edge back onto his leg stump. New Zealand have the early breakthrough they wanted, and Cook is distraught. He trudges off disconsolately.
1116: Eng 12-0
Same again from Strauss against Mills. One snaker spits back in from outside off and nearly slams back the off-timber. Arghs from the slips, although that could have been McCullum complaining about his sore back.
1111: Eng 11-0
Nice angling across from Martin. Strauss leaves with Goweresque relish and then nibbles a single through mid-wicket. On the England balcony, Vaughan is practising his forward defensive.
From Stuart in an office near Trent Bridge, TMS inbox: "What about the 'I used to have a great view of the wicket from my office window but now can't see anything because of the new stand stand'?"
1107: Eng 10-0
Mills tears in from the Pavilion End and wobbles the ball around like a Weeble. Cook edges through gully for another four that's smeared in luck. The sun is shining. Happy, happy days.
From Steve Brisley in Pencoed, TMS inbox: "How about the 'Trevor & Simon Stand'? I seem to recall that one of their sketches on 'Going Live' involved a couple of folk singers who liked to 'swing their pants'."
1104: Eng 6-0
Bloimey - the ball's swinging like King Louie out there. Strauss gets a thick edge through point for a streaky four and clips to deep mid-wicket for a single. Umpire Darrell Hair is glaring on with a bright strip of white sun-block on his lips. He looks disturbingly camp.
1056: To the strains of 'Jerusalem', Alastair Cook and Andrew Strauss chug out to the middle. Chris Martin pawing at the ground at the Radcliffe Road End.
From Jamie Heaton, TMS inbox: "How about the 'Benny Goodman Memorial Stand'?. The king of swing himself."
I should say at this point that anything Mosley-related will instantly be poo-pooed by the army of BBC legal eagles peering over my shoulder. In fact, even the mention of his name has seen a P45 waved menacingly into my eyeline.
1047: Bit of chat about the new stand at Trent Bridge for you. It's got an almost Art Deco squared-off clam-shell style roof, which locals swear makes the ball swing like Cynthia Payne out in the middle.
Apparently it's not been named yet. And if that isn't an open invitation for our first email/text contributionfest of the day, I don't know what is.
1040: Startling news from Trent Bridge - not that Brendon McCullum's injured back means he'll bat at three rather than keep wicket, but that it's not raining. In the last month the outfield has soaked up more liquid that Oliver Reed, but we'll start on time.
Daniel Vettori wins the toss and decides to have a wobble with the ball. Skipper Vaughan doesn't look too gutted. "We'd have had a bat," he says, not entirely convincingly.