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Page last updated at 09:45 GMT, Friday, 16 May 2008 10:45 UK

First Test England v NZ - day two as it happened

FIRST TEST, Lord's (day two, bad light stops play):
England 68-0 v New Zealand 277

Alastair Cook and Andrew Strauss guided England to 68-0 when bad light stopped play for a fifth time on day two of the second Test at Lord's.

Earlier, Ryan Sidebottom took 4-55 as New Zealand were bowled out for 277 having resumed on 208-6 at Lord's.

Sidebottom had Jacob Oram caught at slip and then bowled Kyle Mills' with the second new ball just before lunch.

And he struck twice more after, bowling Tim Southee and Daniel Vettori (48), to finish the day with a remarkable 4-5.

LATEST ACTION (ALL TIMES BST)

By Tom Fordyce

606: DEBATE
e-mail tms@bbc.co.uk (with 'For Tom Fordyce' in the subject), text 81111 (with "CRICKET" as the first word) or use 606. (Not all contributions can be used)

1832: Tell you what - let's just assume it's all over for the day. I'll see you Saturday around 1030 for more of the same. Enjoy the rest of your Friday.

1820:What a great game this is. There's no-one left in the ground, most of the players are in the showers and yet still we can't call it quits for the day.

1756: Michael Vaughan's not waiting for any further chat from the middle - in the England dressing-room, he's started unbuckling his pads. Barely a soul left in the stands, but still Bucknor and Taufel stand firm on the strip.

BAD LIGHT STOPPED PLAY

1740: To sleepy boos from the stands, Bucko and Taufers offer the light to the England pair, and off they go again. That's the fifth stoppage for bad light today, although it feels like the hundredth.

From Richard Milne, TMS inbox: "While we're on the subject of where-are-they-nows, I recently heard that that impossibly loud girl from the Trio bar ads is standing as a candidate in south London at the next election."

1737: Eng 68-0

Bad light stops play
Oram round the wicket to Cook; a pair of singles on the board. Bucknor has his meter out again and is playing with it like a second year with a new mobile on the school bus.

1732: Eng 65-0
Whoosh - big let-off for Cook. Martin finds a looping edge with an away-jagger but the ball sails through the vacant third slip slot and races away to the third man boundary for four. Gloom gathering.

1729: Eng 61-0
On the England balcony, Stuart Broad is sat between Monty and Peter Moores. He is slumped in his seat with his cap pulled down and arms crossed, with an expression that is 70% boredom and 30% grump. Single to Cook.

From Steve in Devon, TMS inbox: "Re Andrew in NY - the Lilt man, if memory serves, set up a mafia style gang with the Man from Del Monte in an attempt to overthrow the Um Bongo hierarchy, but unfortunately their plans were scuppered by the Man with the Milk Tray."

1724: Eng 60-0
With Southee sent off to the deep in high dudgeon, Martin returns to tighten things up. Since all things are relative, the pulled four he concedes off Strauss does exactly that.

1719: Eng 56-0
Strauss decides to join the party. He pops a gentle two through midwicket and, as Giant Jacob over-corrects, thrashes a delightful drive through cover for four more.

From Grant at Lord's via text: "We are in the upper grandstand and can nearly see south London - let them play on."

1714: Eng 49-0
Run-starved no more - Cook angles one off the face for a four through gully, flips the next off his straps for four more and then clips one through cover with sweet timing. Vettori gives desperate chase and hauls it up just shy of the ropes, only to turn round and see that they've run four. Big stick for Southee, roars of approval from the easily-roused masses.

From Andrew in New York, TMS inbox: "Not sure if its all this talk of Um Bongo but a question just popped into my head. What happened to the Lilt man?"

1709: Eng 35-0
Streaky edge from Cook through gully for three. Desultory applause from the run-starved masses.

1707: Eng 32-0
Southee to continue from the Nursery End. Cook aims a big pull at a short one but toes it just over mid-on for one. Spotted in the crowd: former England rugby centre Will Greenwood. It's no Mick Jagger, but at least he's still watching.

1702: Eng 28-0
Jacob the Giant to get us underway again. Cook steals a single and Strauss does the same. Words from the match officials is that play could continue all the way through to 1900. Touching levels of optimism.

1657: Indeed we are - here come Strauss and Cook. Extraordinary.

1654: Some chat from umpire Simon Taufel - he says the light is improving. Behind him Buckers is carefully placing the bails back atop the stumps. We might be on again shortly.

1644: Stands are emptying, bars are filling up. If you were holding any horses you might own, now might be the time to let them go.

From Mark in London, TMS inbox: "Have located what appears to be an Um Bongo hippo sweat-shop in Tanzania: http://tinyurl.com/65s9qu "

1629: It's not actually raining, it should be said, but there's zero sign of play starting any time soon. At the same time, might that be such a bad thing? I've just had a text from a friend in the Mound Stand saying today is the boring day of cricket he's ever attended.

Should you require a diversion, feel free to take a look at the TMS Blog where former England skipper Alec Stewart wonders whether all Test grounds should have permanent floodlights installed.

1619: An aerial camera-shot of the nearby Regent's Park shows a game of cricket in full flow between two sets of schoolkids. As one lad bowls like a soldier throwing a grenade, the chap stationed at cover is practising the Crane ninja move.

From Laurence in Paris, TMS inbox: "It's my opinion that the line 'added the mandarin' actually refers to the Mandarin translation the marmoset did for the Um Bongo brand, with his prescient knowledge of the imminent expansion of China as an economic power, rather than the mere adding of a fruit. He is now head of the Asian Marketing Department."

1616: Bucknor's back in the middle. He's put the bails on... and now he's taken them off again. A few spots of rain land on his upturned forehead, and he signals wearily for the covers. Woe is us.

From Luke Nunneley, TMS inbox: "If your readers had any idea of the appalling conditions in which the animals are forced to work to make Um Bongo way down deep in the middle of the Congo I think they would make rather fewer light-hearted comments about their efforts. It's no joke for a python having to peel a passion fruit without opposable thumbs."

1608: If you don't have access to Sky television at the moment, you're missing a fascinating interview with John Major, who's talking about his earliest cricketing memories. Somewhere in the Lord's pavilion, Steve Bucknor's light-meter goes into meltdown.

From Ryan in London, TMS inbox: "I believe that the marmoset came up with the 'adding of Mandarin' by way of not wanting to miss the boat. He was actually brought into secure the financial package, share and pension scheme for all the animals that had contributed to the drink. Having realised that this was going to a lucrative venture he needed a route in. Hence the adding of the Mandarin. He now owns a rather pleasant mangrove swamp just out side Kisangani."

BAD LIGHT STOPS PLAY

1557:

Bad light stops play
Uh-oh - Bucknor and Taufel confer, and that's it for the time being. They'll take an early tea.

From Rob in Baltimore, TMS inbox: "'The hippo's flat, paddle-like tail is used to spread excrement, which marks territory borders and indicates status of an individual.' (African Wildlife Foundation) When was the last time Um Bongo was inspected by Health and Safety?"

1555: Eng 26-0
Time for a change at the Nursery End - Southee replaces Mills. No great panics so far. Still gloomy out there. On the England balcony, KP laughs like a hyena at a joke told by Siders. Next to them, Peter Moores has a face like fury.

From Scott in Surbiton, TMS inbox: "As a child, I often used to wonder whether, in search of total world juice domination, the man from Del Monte would go on some kind of renegade safari mission to the Congo to extinguish the juice-producing animal collective."

1551: Eng 25-0
Martin 0-0 Strice. An over memorable only for its lack of memories.

From Jon Gee, TMS inbox: "I feel my fellow contributors are missing a minor, yet important fact in the Um Bongo debate. The song merely states that 'they drink it in the Congo', therefore it is entirely possible that the lion, rhino, marmoset et al have chosen to relocate their production facility to another country in a cost-saving decision - maybe Gabon? If this is the case, I do wonder about the carbon footprint caused by transporting such large quantities of fruit-based liquid into the fragile Central African environment."

1546: Eng 24-0
Bucknor is now holding his light-meter up to each stand in turn, in the manner of a priest during benediction. Mills drops short against Cook and is swung away to deep midwicket for a strolled single.

From James Howlett, TMS inbox: "I had it on good authority from a snake I saw in Colchester Zoo that there were a lot of creative differences between the animals that invented Um Bongo. The parrot's initial carton designs were nothing short of outrageous."

1541: Eng 21-0
Enormous leap from Martin in his bowing action - almost Donaldesque. Strice tickles a single to leg, Cook one into the covers, before Strice picks up three with a well-timed nudge wide of midwicket. Burrell has now also left his spot in the pavilion, and has taken his binoculars with him.

From Paul in Lancs, TMS inbox: "Surely the more obvious reason for the lack of appropriate export statistics is that Gareth is looking at the wrong Congo's statistics. There are two: Democratic Republic of Congo (ex-Zaire) and the Republic of Congo (the one with Brazzaville). They are clearly separated by the River Congo, so there really should be no confusion."

1537: Eng 16-0
Cagey out there at the mo. Mills fails to tempt Strice outside off-stump and the crowd chunters in self-absorbed fashion. In the pavilion, the waitress has abandoned Burrell. It was on the cards.

From Matthew in Sunderland, TMS inbox: "Can anyone advise on which animal glued the straws to the side of the Um Bongo cartons? They never seemed to do a good job, as every carton I picked up was strawless. I blame the sloths."

1533: Eng 15-0
Martin goes round the wicket to Cook, who leaves three alone and pats back the rest. In the pavilion, a man dressed like Paul Burrell is showing a young waitress how to use a set of binoculars. Flirting furiously, he attempts to impress her with his use of the focus wheel.

From Justin in Nottingham, TMS inbox: "If they do indeed drink Um Bongo in the Congo, do they drink Ribena in Slovenia or Coca-Cola in Angola?"

1524: The aliens have spoken - we''ll have a re-start shortly. Cook and Strice re-glove on the England balcony.

From Duncan in Scotland, TMS inbox: "I am disturbed by recent Um Bongo comments, in particular the phrase 'came up with'. For years I had asumed that song was a factual account of actual events."

1520: Bucknor is trudging around in the middle, holding his meter towards the clouds as if expecting communication from aliens.

From Jim in Manchester, TMS inbox: "I'm not sure the marmoset really does deserve special praise for adding mandarin. Being a species found usually in the New World I can only assume that the marmoset was brought in specially in some sort of consultancy role. Surely the addition of mandarin is the least we could expect?"

BAD LIGHT STOPS PLAY

1510: Eng 14-0

Bad light stops play
The brakes are off - Martin over-pitches to allow a pushed two from Cook, and then goes wide to concede a skidding four off a thick outside edge. Not liking this Bucknor meter-waving - he's got his business face on. Sure enough, he strolls over to colleague Taufel, nods at the batsmen and heads for the pavilion. Sigh.

From Stephen Lewis, TMS inbox: "Without wishing to labour the point on the the lack of export information for Um Bongo - I see that Gareth from Woking has committed a fatal schoolboy error by failing to consider the fact that Um Bongo is actually produced by an animal-based collective and therefore may not appear on formal Congolese export statistics."

1506: Eng 6-0
Mills spears too far wide of off stump and Strauss stays safe. Umpire Bucko has his light meter out again. He holds it aloft with a look of wonder on his face. On the radio version of TMS, Christopher Martin-Jenkins refers to someone called "Strice".

From Kevin in the Isle of Wight: "I worked with the man who came up with the jingle 'Um Bongo, Um Bongo they drink it in the Congo' for which he still gets royalties - indeed, I once had breakfast with him."

1502: Eng 5-0
Absolute ripper from Martin, sliding one past Strauss's uncertain flick. Next ball he strays down leg but Strauss clips it straight to square leg. Apparently both these batsmen average above 60 for England at Lord's. If that sentence doesn't put the mockers on them, nothing will.

1458: Eng 4-0
The doe-eyed Cook wafts gracefully at a wide one from Mills and sends it skimming to the cover fence. He then crunches a drive straight back onto the stumps at the non-striker's end to ooohs from the refreshed patrons.

From Jon Bennett in Reading, TMS inbox: "According to the song, it was a talking rhinoceros who decided to call the drink Um Bongo, although the marmoset deserves special praise for adding mandarin juice to the blend. I'm not sure which animal was responsible for putting the additive E127 into the blend."

1453: Eng 0-0
Alrighty. Here we go again - Chris Martin races in to Andrew Strauss and booms a collection of away-racers past his navel. A touch of swing there, but Strauss keeps his blade high and dry. Saw Strauss being interviewed the other day - the man has forearms like a Maori's thighs. Massive.

By Mark Mitchener

1449: A refreshed Ford Tomdyce is back in situ to take you through the England innings. Take it away, Ford...

NEW ZEALAND FIRST INNINGS

1441: NZ 277 all out
Vettori flicks Sidey off his legs and they scamper a two to fine leg. But he shoulders arms to the next ball and is clean bowled middle-and-off. Innings over, Sidey finishes with 4-55 (4-5 today) and Chris Martin gets a "not out" for the hall of fame.

"I once tried to play 'Superman' from a playground wall to impress the class hottie. Unfortunately I landed wrong and shattered my elbow. I can't remember if the sight of me screaming like a daisy added to, or detracted from, the attempt"
Mark, Wickford, in the TMS inbox

1439: NZ 275-9
Good Jimmy/Bad Jimmy sends down the last ball of the over, Martin pushes it competently into the covers, but as it's the last ball, they opt not to take a single.

1437: Fielders back on, followed by the batsmen. Chris Martin holds his bat by the wrong end as he walks out.

"At least Rich (1343) only accidentally set his face on fire - I have a friend who, during sixth form, purposely set his face on fire using deodorant - much to the amusement and adoration of the large crowd that had gathered to peer through the windows at this grand event. Far from impressing a girl, his girlfriend didn't speak to him for days afterwards. Great stuff"
Sean, Southampton, in the TMS inbox

1436: Umpire Simon Taufel makes a "come hither" gesture to the balcony. We'll be back on soon.

"Ever get the feeling that against anyone half decent, we are going to go for 600 runs?"
Ian Bowmer in the TMS inbox

1433: The umpires are still consulting. More news as we get it.

"Tim Southee the youngest-looking international cricketer you've ever seen? Do you remember Parthiv Patel?"
Michael in Strasbourg in the TMS inbox
[Oh yes, the tiny Indian wicket-keeper! Good call! MM]

Phil Tufnell
Henry Blofeld
1429: Blowers asks Phil Tufnell a complicated question about whether, if NZ had declined to go off for bad light and then lost their last wicket, the same standard of light would have been applied. Tuffers asks "Can you repeat the question?" - but he's fairly sure a new innings means you start from scratch in terms of when you go off.

"In response to the furore over the Um Bongo; I recall an incident during the 1986 NZ tour of England when, after a particularly hot and toilsome afternoon in the field, the NZ pair of Martin and Jeff Crowe were approached with a mouthwatering jug of fruit cordial. They each took a hearty swig before spitting it out in disgust over the balcony. When questioned about this incident later a NZ spokesman commented that the drink was Kia Ora and it was indeed too orangey for (the) Crowes"
Steve Aldcroft, Lancy, Lancy Lancy Lancashire, in the TMS inbox

1426: And while I'm on the subject of "Bad Jimmy", he also cost me a small bundle of Kiwi dollars on the fourth day in Napier. With one ball remaining of the day, I was on to win our group's "close of play score sweepstake", only for Jimmy to blast in a legside half-volley and McCullum whacked it to the boundary. A life lesson on the dangers of gambling?

Bad light stops play
1423: BAD LIGHT STOPS PLAY - NZ 275-9
Vettori dabs a first-bounce single over the slips and down to KP on the backward point boundary. Now, how will Anderson bowl against Martin? Having bowled as "Good Jimmy" in Wellington, taking a five-for, the Burnley Express was definitely "Bad Jimmy" in Napier - plunking Martin on the helmet just before the lunch interval when a fast yorker would have won the match. He seemed to be "Good Jimmy" yesterday, but shows traces of "Bad Jimmy" as he fires a wild one in down the leg side which Ambrose dives to take. With one ball left of the over, umps have a brief discussion, offer the light again, and it's taken.

1418: NZ 274-9
Just the three slips and a gully in for Sidey to Martin, who has nothing to do with one outside off-stump that would probably have been a wide in one-day cricket. After four dot balls, Sidey goes round the wicket, but Martin is still playing and missing. In the end, he plays out the maiden over - so expect Vettori to have a bash again next over.

Text in your views on 81111
"Can you apologise to young Southee for jinxing him, Mark? I think that's the least you can do"
Chris C, via text on 81111
[He should apologise for me for delaying the inevitable end of the Napier Test at lunchtime on the fifth day and denying me valuable sight-seeing time. I think that makes us even - MM]

1414: NZ 274-9
The field spreads for Vettori, with six men "saving two", but Vettori easily guides Anderson's first ball away for two. He's "waiting for the right delivery", according to TMS commentator Bryan Waddle. His Kiwi team-mates clearly don't have much faith in this partnership - they're all changed into their whites, ready to go out and field. Vettori steers one towards the point boundary and it evades the despairing dive of Pietersen, who half-stops it but it hits the rope anyway. Quite unnecessarily, it's referred to the third umpire - surely KP and Broad (who was nearby) could have indicated it hit the rope? Vettori then steers another four between the slips and gully. With England anticipating a single, Vettori steps back away from the stumps and lifts a four over the slips and through third man. Not a great over from Jimmy.

1409: NZ 260-9
Martin has three balls to survive, and immaculately leaves the first one as Sidey angles it in towards the five slips now in place. The next ball takes Martin with a combination of bat and pad, and rebounds out to extra cover. No run. Martin's pads, for those of you who haven't seen them, are very strange - they go straight down without any knee-rolls, as though they've been carved out of a large polystyrene sheet. He comfortably drives the last ball to extra cover and it's a wicket maiden for Sidey, who has taken 3-3 today.

Wicket falls
1404: WICKET - Southee b Sidebottom 1 - NZ 260-9
Sidey's first ball is straight, Southee attempts one of his "hoick to leg" shots I witnessed in Napier (see 1352 entry) and is clean bowled! Awful shot! Chris Martin's in next - so the ground staff could be back in action again soon.

1401: The umpires have reappeared and are re-examining the light meters. A thumbs-up is given to groundsman Mick Hunt and the England balcony, so obviously the light's improved and we should be getting under way again soon. Good times.

"What is the point of starting the cricket season this early? You are off the field more times than on it. It is stupid. We've lost a whole morning session yesterday and it does not look like we'll play much more today. Having said that England will win on the final day by 5 wickets"
JP in the TMS inbox

Geoffrey Boycott
1358: Geoff Boycott on TMS talks about how he played in the first ever ODI in 1971, and how it was played with much less intensity than it is today. Apparently it's England's fault for getting Andrew Symonds' Test career off to a flier by allowing him to score a century against them at Melbourne last winter - having been established as an ODI player but not in the Test arena until then.

"Having been to the Congo a fair bit, I can confirm no Um Bongo being imbibed. 'Ngok' (crocodile beer) yes. Um Bongo, no"
Scott Cannon, Aberdeen, in the TMS inbox

1355: CMJ on TMS doesn't think the players will return "imminently", while pitchside reporter Alison Mitchell adds that umpires Bucknor and Taufel walked off "at a slow meander", although fourth umpire Jeremy Lloyds is still out in the middle taking readings on his light meter. Meanwhile, why not have a look at the TMS Blog - new for this season is a "Twitter" function, allowing you to follow Alison's messages from the boundary directly.

1352: And I was quite looking forward to seeing the boy Southee bat in testing conditions, as I was in New Zealand to watch the last two Tests first-hand - so saw the Southee onslaught in Napier at close quarters. It was an incredible innings, from a man who knew (as soon as he saw Chris Martin striding to the crease) that he literally had nothing to lose. Most strokes were of the "hoick to leg" variety, to the extent that Panesar was bowling a foot outside off-stump, but was still being pulled across the line for sixes.

Michael Vaughan on cricket captaincy

Meanwhile, website users can have a look at Michael Vaughan and watch him talk about cricket captaincy. Is it all about lucky sunhats, or is there more to it than that?

1343: Never mind Fordyce, Tom must have had Fore-sight to miss this interruption. It looks pretty dingy at Lord's, but at least it gives everyone a little more time to finish their lunch.

"I once accidentally set my face and hair on fire trying to impress a girl in a pub. Has anyone done anything similar? Needless to say she was intrigued but a trip to A&E soon dampened my hopes"
Rich in Devon in the TMS inbox

Bad light stops play
1341: BAD LIGHT STOPS PLAY - NZ 260-8
Sidey takes up the attack after lunch to Tim Southee, who's quite the youngest-looking international cricketer I've ever seen. After only two balls, umpire Steve Bucknor consults his light meter and offers the light. Unsurprisingly, the batsmen take it. Was it something I said?

1336: Right, Tom has hopped off for a break - so you're stuck with me for the next hour or so. TMS have been talking to singer Lesley Garrett during the lunch interval - she hopes her beloved Doncaster Rovers can reach the League One play-off final tonight, and is bowled over by meeting fellow Yorkshire legend Geoff Boycott.

By Tom Fordyce

LUNCH

1300: NZ 260-8
Broad has Vettori and Southeee hopping, but he can't squeeze another out of them. That's lunch - slightly New Zealand's morning, and they'll now have a target to bowl at. Take a blow yourself and we'll reconvene in 40 mins.

From Gareth in Woking: "Regarding Um Bongo - I was led to believe that they drink it in the Congo. However when looking into the Congolese net exports at work I was surprised to see no mention of Um Bongo being either exported or imported.Are we therefore drinking real Um Bongo as drunk in the Congo, or a pale imitation?"

1249: WICKET - Mills b Sidebottom 10, NZ 258-8

Wicket falls

Lucky sun-hat? Of course it is. Siders's second delivery with the cherry swings like the '60s and clatters the Mills timbers. Southee almost follows with immediate effect as another straightener from over the wicket catches him in front, but Bucknor's having none of it. Siders now has figures of 2-3 off seven overs today.

From Kate in Leeds, TMS inbox: "Any cricket tea-maker worth their salt would be mental to leave out buttered malt loaf, swiss roll and some cheese and pickle sandwiches from their spread. That's village cricket suicide."

1249: NZ 257-7
Close from Britsa. Both Vettori and Mills waft ambitiously without success. Michael Vaughan, still wearing his lucky sun-hat despite the weather and lack of wickets, signals for the new ball. Siders awaits.

From Matt Griffin, TMS inbox: "My understanding is that KP insists on Flamin Hot Monster Munch and three cartons of Um Bomgo for tea."

1245: NZ 256-7
As you were from Monts. 29 now to Vettori, nine to Mills. The stands are beginning to empty as stomachs rumble and throats parch.

From Nadia Kamil, TMS inbox: "'Panestomach' - does it have a similar taste/texture to panettone? Simon Jones tastes like Welsh cakes, but has the texture of daffodill petals, I imagine."

1240: NZ 255-7
Monty tries some loop against Vettori, which is like trying to fool Paul Daniels with a card trick. New Zealand will be happy with this - a defensive field in for their number seven and eight. Could be time for a dart with the new cherry in an over or two.

From Rupert in Gloucester: "I once played a game at Arundel and got a three-course lunch. I could barely move when I was asked to open the bowling. Not a good idea to serve profiteroles as a dessert to cricketers if you ask me."

1231: NZ 251-7
Two slips and a gully in for Broad. Mills pretends to joust but withdraws his bat playfully at the last minute. A glimpse there of Mike Brearley in the grandstand, looking exactly the same as he did while ordering Chris Old and Derek Randall around the park.

1231: NZ 250-7
Monty twirls away, his new white shirt riding up as he bowls to expose an expanse of Panestomach. Half an hour till lunch, and the gentle squelch of early sandwich-munching is clearly audible around the ground.

1228: NZ 248-7
Broad, hair swept back like a 1930s matinee idol, canters in to Mills and is unlucky to see a fizzing yorker shoveled away for a single. Vettori feels his fury as a bouncer ghosts past his nose.

From Lloyd in Bath, TMS inbox: "Do the standard of teas improve with the level of cricket? For me, you can't beat egg mayo sandwiches, mini Scotch eggs and a cherry bakewell between innings. Is Pietersen partial to a cherry bakewell, or do they have a finer selection of snacks?"

1223: NZ 245-7
Has Vettori taken leave of his senses? He attempts a quick single to the fielding machine that is Monty, but remarkably survives as Monty's frantic hurl somehow misses the stumps. What were the chances of that?

1219: NZ 244-7
Vaughan is stroking his chin with puzzlement like a man studying an upside-down map. Vettori goes down on one knee and mows Monty over square leg for a lusty four after Mills strokes a three through the covers. Where's this next wicket coming from?

From Mick in Worcester, TMS inbox: "To Belinda from Devon: I've taken your advice and done the right and honourable thing. I dumped her by email, citing irreconcilable Simon Jones-related differences."

1215: NZ 236-7
Broad is snarling his way in with a righteous fury here. Mills tries to hoist one into Surrey but misses and clocks a nasty one on the hip instead. Vettori looks for a single but quick work from sub fielder Garry Park sends him home. Park, should you ever need to talk about him in the pub, is usually a stumper but managed to bowl Andrew Flintoff while turning out for Durham last week.

From Johnny O'G, TMS inbox: "Gatting is my favourite cricketing torso. Makes me feel a whole lot better about mine."

1212: NZ 234-7
Maiden from Monty. Big shout for ell bee against Mills but Bucknor shakes his head wearily. Michael Vaughan practises his off-drive at mid-on.

1209: NZ 234-7
Super stuff from Britsa. A howitzer of a yorker is dug out desperately by Vettori. Broad glowers with magnificent Malfoyance.

From R via text: "Every year, after an exhibition match in Colwyn Bay, Glamorgan have a pint & a bash at the pub quiz in my local. Simon Jones' team always does well, so either he is the most intelligent chav in the world, he's been slipped the answers, or he has a huge knowledge of 1960's pop, which make up half the quizsheet to annoy the students."

1205: NZ 234-7
Double change - it's Monty o'clock. Monty cradles the ball in his giant palms but there's not much tweakage in evidence early doors, and two singles keep things ticking over.

From James Wyn in Hong Kong: "I once met Simon Jones on a train and asked him where he'd been. He'd been presenting a Model of the Year award in London. Who won? I said. 'Some ginger bint' was the reply. Karen Elson I believe was correct answer."

1200: NZ 232-7
Britsa Broad into the attack. Big shout against Vettori first ball as Ambrose takes a snag down leg but Umpire Taufel says the noise was all hip-guard. Vettori responds with a jab through gully and then misses with a monstrous haymaker.

From Belinda in Devon, TMS inbox: "Mick in Worcester needs a new girlfriend. Someone who can douse your flame at this stage will have completely extinguished you in five years' time. Get out fast."

1152: NZ 226-7
Vettori has a thrash at Anderson and crashes one through the covers. Jimmy responds with a lifter which Ambrose half-stops behind the timbers. The ball dribbles towards the helmet stashed behind him until Strauss flings himself in the way. Kyle Mills the new man, with Thrasher Southee and Chris 'Comedy' Martin still in the hutch.

From Alison in Ghana, TMS inbox: "Simon Jones, a Welsh chav?! How dare anyone so slander the God of all cricketing torsos?"

Are you forgeting Don Topley, Alison?

1144 - WICKET Oram c Struass b Sidebottom 28, NZ 222-7

Wicket falls

All that short stuff has done its job - Jacob, trapped on the back peg, pushes lamely at a fuller one and edges straight to Strauss at first slip. There's a little juggle or two but it's pouched at the third attempt, and England are among 'em. Strauss laughs with relief as Siders canters down towards him for a high-fivefest.

1141: NZ 221-6
Jimmy may have enjoyed a chilli on his cornflakes this morning - he rattles another spitting bouncer at Oram's chops and follows through with almost Nel-like aggression.

From Chris in Bath: "Can people at the match today keep an eye out for my socks. I was there yesterday and they got wet during the rainy morning, so I left them out to dry near a coffee stall at the Nursery End. Their return would be appreciated as I forgot to collect them on my way out."

1136: NZ 221-6
That clunking you can hear is the sound of anchors being dropped. Vettori gets a thick leading edge to one but it falls comfortably short of mid-on. On the New Zealand balcony, Tim Southee is rubbing his hands together. If only he had a pair of gloves he could put o... oh.

1132: NZ 220-6
Nice little to-and-fro between Jimmy and Giant Jacob. A fizzing bouncer cannons into Oram's shoulder to murmurs of approval from the Tyburnesque crowd, but after a brief lap of the stumps with eyes watering the batsman drives the next one back past Anderson for a casual three.

1128: NZ 217-6
Same again from Siders - a tricky maiden which has Vettori fencing lamely. KP is strolling round the covers like a child bored at a family gathering.

From Mick in Worcester, TMS inbox: "I was in a pub in Worcester last night and who would be sitting just a table away from me but Simon Jones. I was quite excited and explained to my girlfriend all about the Ashes 05 and the part he played. She said he sounded like a Welsh chav. That kind of stole my fire a bit."

1124: NZ 217-6
The fireworks are still stashed away as Anderson keeps Giant Jacob cautious. An in-dipper takes the inside edge onto the pad but falls safe.

From Mike in Sheffield, TMS inbox: "Speaking of Vettori, I once got into a fight with his brother in a bar in Taupo during the 2005 Ashes series for telling him that his brother was a pale imitation of Ashley Giles. This did not go down too well, and I was promptly banned from another establishment that he owned round the corner."

1119: NZ 216-6
That's more like the Siders '08 upgrade - a maiden as testing as Anne Robinson. Vettori prods again at a tempter and grins at his squeaky escape.

From Pranav Soneji at Lord's via text: "Just seen the most tremendous pair of salmon trousers on a man who looks as old as the Long Room. On his MCC tie were three large jam stains."

1115: NZ 216-6
Oohs from the slip cordon as Vettori jabs at Jimmy's away-nipper and misses by a fraction. Jimmy winces like a man who has just stubbed his toe.

From Kate Collison, TMS inbox: "A word of warning for anyone wishing to warm their hands at Lords - avoid the coffee stall by the Nursery ground as it serves the worst coffee I've ever had. The cup I had yesterday tasted like someone had rinsed their socks in it."

1112: NZ 214-6
Siders dips down leg again and Ambrose can only get a lunging fingertip on it behind the timbers - four byes. Wonder who that spy is working for. Could this be the first sign of a SMERSH resurgence? Worrying times.

1107: NZ 209-6
Good morning to Jimmy Anderson at the Pavilion End. Eternal student Vettori, with his portrait ageing in an attic somewhere, tickles one off his pads for the first run of the day. In the Tavern Stand there's a man dressed as the quintessential 1960s spy - beige mac with collars upturned, trilby, and large binoculars glued to his face.

1102: NZ 208-6
Siders it is, his nose red with the chill, and Giant Jacob Oram gets a hair-parter bouncer to welcome him to the day. Out on the boundary, Monty's got his hands in his pockets and is looking up at the sky in absent-minded fashion. Perhaps he's seen a cloud that looks like a hippo.

1045: A little pitch chat for you - I'm told it feels cold and damp to the touch, much like your granny's hand. Some movement expected still for the bowlers; graft and toil for the batsmen.

Lord's filling up slowly. Not much uncorking so far; with the temperature nailed at 11 degrees, hands are being wrapped round polystyrene cups. Siders to open England's account from the Nursery End.

1030: First things first - while no-one will be getting a sun-tan at Lord's today, we will be starting on time. Very much a long-sleeved sweater day, but umbrellas can remain housed for the time being.


see also
New Zealand in England in 2008
14 Nov 07 |  Cricket


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