SECOND ONE-DAY INTERNATIONAL, Hamilton:
New Zealand 165-0 (18.1 overs) bt England 158 (35.1 overs) by 10 wickets
England gave an even poorer performance than they had managed in the first one-day international as New Zealand easily claimed a 2-0 series lead.
The tourists collapsed horribly from 90-2 to be bowled out for 158 in a match reduced to 36 overs per side.
But for Alastair Cook's 53 they would barely have had any total to defend.
New Zealand showed just how good the wicket was when needing just 18.1 overs to chase down an adjusted target of 165, and they won by 10 wickets.
LATEST ACTION AS IT HAPPENS (ALL TIMES GMT)
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NEW ZEALAND INNINGS
0759: Thanks to all those who kept me company throughout the evening, you will be rewarded in another life. I'm off for a bit of weeping.
"Good morning Ben. Well, no it isn't, is it? I risk being late for work for this display? I expect you're cockahoop too eh?"
Carole, Maidenhead, in the TMS inbox
"Even my Sky box has switched itself off in disgust! Missing the remainder of the series is going to be a blessing..."
Sarah, Canterbury, in the TMS inbox
"What on earth is going on? We got slaughtered in the last match and we make no changes? These performances are totally inept. We should just send them all home and start again. Every time we pick the same squads it's as if the selectors are afraid to admit they were wrong and that if they stick with the same players at all times regardless of performances it will come good in the end. Let me assure you: IT WILL NOT!"
Mark Bell, (a totally disgusted cricket fan), in the TMS inbox
19th over - 165-0 That's that, Collingwood dropping short and wide and McCullum crashing him through point for four. Ten-wicket defeat for England and that is a complete and utter humiliation. The two Kiwi openers batted superbly - Ryder with 79 from 62 and McCullum 80 from 47 - but that was hideous from England, both in terms of batting and bowling.
18th over - 161-0 Single apiece for Ryder and McCullum and another for Ryder. McCullum drops the ball down to short third-man and Ryder would have been out given a direct hit from the fielder down there. Ryder smears Sidebottom to mid-wicket, but the ball drops just short of Bell. Five required. There's one of them, McCullum dropping the ball down to third-man.
17th over - 154-0 One for McCullum with a cut over cover and Ryder grabs one with an ease to mid-off. McCullum rocks back and steers Collingwood through backward-point where there's a mis-field. If this England team was a dog, it would have been led out of the Seddon Park ground after about five overs and shot in the head. And it would have been a rubbish dog anyway.
"Can someone actually give Ryder and McCullum's batting some credit? Everyone's going on about how bad England's performance is, but this is some incredible strokemaking! Some of the bowling isn't that bad, it's just awesome batting!"
Peter Nicholls, Wellington, in the TMS inbox
16th over - 150-0 Sidebottom serves up a lovely slower ball, Ryder plonks it back it him...and Siders puts down a sitter. Ryder chips over the leg-side infield for one and McCullum picks up a single with a pull. Ryder gives it some more heave-ho and the ball lands just short of Anderson in the covers. Just 15 runs needed.
"Pub brawling - nah, the Aussies would beat us at that as well..."
Ian, Bahrain, in the TMS inbox
15th over - 145-0 Another maximum, Ryder treating a Collingwood slower ball with disdain and the ball disappearing over the mid-wicket fence. McCullum turns Collingwood away for a single.
"Whatever is served up now, whether it's an orange, an apple or a cricket ball, is going out of the ground. It doesn't matter who bowls. This is worse than the last match."
Sir Geoffrey Boycott on TMS
14th over - 137-0 That's blood-curdling from McCullum, dropping to one knee and rat-a-tatting Swann over the deep mid-wicket fence for a maximum. McCullum and Ryder exchange singles before McCullum hits his fifth sixth of the innings, hauling Swann over the square-leg fence. I've sat through some pretty bad England cricketing displays, but this is right up there with the worst.
13th over - 123-0 Collingwood into the attack and Ryder turns him away for a couple. Ryder plays a pitching wedge over the covers for a couple before skewing one to backward-point for a single. McCullum nicks the strike with a single.
12th over - 117-0 Swann into the attack and McCullum slams him through the covers for four. There is not other word for it, this is humiliation. McCullum passes fifty with an impudent reverse sweep before pulling a rancid long-hop from Swann through mid-wicket for another four. This is a disgraceful display, but skipper Collingwood manages a smile. Not sure Ponting would be laughing, he probably would have bitten Swann's face off.
"Yet another totally inept and clueless performance by an English team. Can anyone suggest a new sport that we can push onto the world stage that we might actually succeed at for a few years. How about pub-brawling?"
Graham, Abu Dhabi, in the TMS inbox
11th over - 103-0 A wide half-volley from Anderson and Ryder flays him through the covers for four before sending a steepling six over backward-square - that was bigger than jungle and, as we all know, jungle is massive. That's Ryder's fifty, from just 39 balls. Short and wide again and Ryder whip-cracks him through point for yet another four. I might have to turn over in minute, this is more embarrassing than a Ramsay Street house party. And another! Ryder yanks another short one to the square-leg boundary and England are being happy-slapped in Hamilton.
10th over - 85-0 Apparently Karen Hadlee played cricket for New Zealand as well. not sure if she bowled or batted, but she'd probably be more effective with the ball than this England attack - Broad strays onto McCullum's legs and is flogged over the fine-leg fence for six. Width from Broad and McCullum slashes him over slip and the ball races away for four. 9th over - 75-0 Umpire Rauf casts an admiring eye over McCullum's tattoos, maybe he's thinking of getting one. Ryder carves Anderson to third-man for one before McCullum rocks back and pings one through square for a few of his own.
8th over - 71-0 Well done Adrian. You win a Ravi Bopara running between the wickets masterclass. Ryder clips Broad to mid-wicket for one. McCullum walks across his stumps and whips Broad into the leg-side for a single. A pugnacious player this Kiwi wicket-keeper, and he absolutely shellack-a-lack-a-booms that ball from Broad, the ball flying over the fielder on the mid-wicket fence. Just nine from the over...37 of the last three...seriously, has anyone seen a more brainless bowling display? Not even Chris 'Admiral Ackbar' Lewis was this profligate with ball in hand.
"Walter Arnold Hadlee was a New Zealand cricketer and Test match captain. Three of his five sons, Sir Richard, Dayle and Barry all played cricket for New Zealand. What do I win?"
Adrian King in the TMS inbox
7th over - 62-0 A brace for Ryder before Ryder comes over all Adam Ant and carves Sidebottom through the covers for four. England are getting murdered here, absolutely murdered...and there's another, Ryder standing tall and rifling Sidebottom through the covers. Sidebottom has a chat with Collingwood...before serving up a long-hop on leg stump. Guess what? Ryder yanks him away for four. Colly must have made a comment about his mother. Ryder nicks the strike with a single.
6th over - 47-0 Broad replaces Anderson, strays onto Ryder's legs and is whipped away for four. This time it's a bumper from Broad and Ryder, Botham-like, hooks him away for four. England not learning...good grief, he's gone short again and Ryder stands tall and larrups him through backward square-leg for another four. As popular entertainment goes, this is worse than Two Pints of Lager, if you're an England fan...one more for Ryder with a clip to mid-wicket.
"Looks like we'll be heading for a quick and humiliating defeat. Half this line up would be better off scratching a living by rummaging down the back of people's sofas for old Wispa bars."
Scantily Clad, Singapore, in the TMS inbox
5th over - 34-0 McCullum is really tearing into this England bowling. He charges down the pitch towards Sidebottom and absolutely slaughters the ball to the point fence. One more for McCullum with a nurdle to leg before England put down another, Ryder edging and Shah putting down a low catch at first slip. Difficult, but very catchable. Ryder turns Sidebottom to mid-wicket for a couple before bagging one more with a work to leg.
"Here's something to keep you and anyone else who is awake going: we all know of Sir Richard Hadlee, but how many of his family also represented NZ at cricket? I'll give you until the first wicket to answer!"
Chris, Nagoya, Japan, in the TMS inbox
4th over - 26-0 Anderson tries out some chin music and McCullum larrups him over square-leg for six. That's atrocious from Anderson, dropping short and McCullum piling into him and yanking him away for four. McCullum nurdles Anderson into the leg-side before Ryder makes the most of some more dross from Anderson, heaving another short ball to the square-leg fence for four.
3rd over - 11-0 McCullum drives sturdily and Pietersen wears one in the unmentionables. Nasty. McCullum plays and misses outside off-stump but gets plenty on that, easing Sidebottom through point for four. I hope so Kathryn (see below), we might get a bit of Break My Stride by Matthew Wilder in a minute.
"What is going on with this 70s and 80s music between overs? Did someone in Hamilton get 'Now That's What I Call Music 3' for Christmas?"
Kathryn Burgess, Cardiff, in the TMS inbox
2nd over - 6-0 Anderson starts with a wide before Mustard shells a regulation catch behind the stumps. McCullum swishes outside off, edges and the Durham gloveman goes with one hand when he should have gone with two. Colonel Mustard would have shown more agility than that, with a piece of lead piping down one leg and a candlestick down the other. One run for the shot. Ryder scores the first four of the match, swinging Anderson away off his pads to the square-leg boundary. Ryder misses with a big cross-batted heave, but it's misery piled upon misery for England so far today.
1st over - 0-0 Right, we're off, and it's Ryder to face Sidebottom. He leaves the first ball of the match outside off-stump before fencing at the next. That's a maiden to start from Sidebottom. Adrian (see below), she deserves nothing more than a bunch of service station flowers.
"I bought a house in Hamilton in 2004, $320K for a beautiful four-bed character villa. But my Kiwi wife got cold feet and we sold it on the same day. That year house prices went up 26% in Hamilton. Does she deserve a Valantine's present?"
Adrian, Wellington, in the TMS inbox
0618: Right, we now have the official revised target - New Zealand require 165 to win. If that's wrong again, blame Aggers...Any danger of some emails, I haven't slept for quite some time and need a bit of stimulation. TMS are discussing whether women cricketers sledge. Anyone know?
0615: Still no official word on the revised target...FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SOMEONE GIVE ME THE OFFICIAL WORD!
"It's a nice pitch with a flat bounce, I don't know why the batsmen should be bothered. It's not doing anything, so where's the problem?"
Sir Geoffrey Boycott on TMS
36th over - WICKET: Broad c Mills b Vettori 23 (Eng 158) That wasn't very good from England. Broad is the last man out, going for some late hammer and getting himself caught by Mills at extra-cover. Good catch that. The Kiwis require 134 from their 36 overs to win the match. I strongly suggest you go and smash your hand in a car door instead of following their progress. Only joking, it's going to be absolutely brilliant. Where did Duckworth-Lewis pull that total from? Wait a minute, there is some confusion about this revised score. I'll keep you posted - others are saying 165, the chaps on TMS are saying 134.
35th over - 158-9 Broad picks up one with an inside edge from a drive before Anderson drives uppishly and How, fielding at backward-point, very nearly gets a hand to it. Two runs for the shot. A leg-bye and a single for Broad, and we have one more over before England fans are put out of their misery...for 15 minutes...
34th over - WICKET: Sidebottom run out (Styris) 2 (Eng 151-9) Broad prods forward and is beaten by Vettori, before England lose there third wicket to a run out. Remarkable. Broad feathers a sweep to short fine-leg, ambles down the crease, and Sidebottom is run out by a direct throw from Styris. Anderson is England's number 11 and Vettori gets one straight through him like a dose of salts.
"The last thing to go straight down the neck of Ryder was a couple of pies. Cheap shot, I know, but someone had to say it."
Steve, Wellington, in the TMS inbox
33rd over - 151-8 A single for Siders and a single for Broad and England are making the decidedly hum-drum Oram look like Joel Garner - he's now bowled six overs for just eight runs. Three overs remaining.
32nd over - 149-8 Sidebottom in and he's off the mark with a punch into the on-side. But Vettori keeps it tight for the rest of the over.
31st over - WICKET: Bopara c Ryder b Mills 23 (Eng 142-8) Four more for Broad with an under-edged pull and one more with a tip and run into the leg side. But that's the end of Bopara's torturous stay at the crease, the Essex man whipping a full-bunger from Mills straight down the neck of Ryder at deep mid-wicket. Broad provides a bit of cheer, swinging another Mills full-bunger over the fine-leg fence. Some chap with his ticket in his mouth took that. Is he English?
"Hi Ben. Dear oh dear, your Essex boys couldn't judge a beauty contest, let alone a run. Sitting back, enjoying a beer and enjoying the collapse."
The Kiwi, Aka Sean Martin, in the TMS inbox 30th over - 137-7 McCullum goes up for a caught-behind against Broad, but Vettori's not interested. That's a sweet little sweep from Broad for four and this boy can bat a bit. Bopara is to running between the wickets what Frank Spencer was to rollerskating. Broad sends him back, quite rightly, and Bopara has to dive full length to make his ground. One more for Broad with a clip to mid-wicket.
29th over - 131-7 Bit of width for Bopara and he plays wristily through point for one. Broad is off the mark with a decent-looking drive to long-off for three. One more for Bopara with a clip to mid-wicket.
"Not sure what the fella in Tokyo is complaining about (see below), at least the lads get gifts there. Everywhere else in the world it seems that the bloke has to shell out a small fortune and gets just the 'obvious' in return if he is lucky. On the subject of bad towns, I am in one that's name translates as 'Dirt Town' in Taiwan."
Jim, Taiwan, in the TMS inbox
28th over - WICKET: Swann c McCullum b Vettori 1 (Eng 126-7) Frankly, this is a load of old rubbish. Swann is the next man out, leaning back and feathering a cut to McCullum behind the stumps. Spot of Coronation Street on the PA, and a batting line-up of Ena Sharples, Elsie Tanner, Bette Lynch, Vera Duckworth and Hilda Ogden would have made a better fist of things than this.
27th over - 126-6 Bopara cuts Styris away for a couple before finding finding off-side fielders with a couple of firm hits. He does find the gap with a cut and Swann is on strike. The Notts man survives the over, nicking the strike with a single from the final ball. England look like they might be on the end of another hiding here, this is woeful.
26th over - WICKET: Cook run out (Taylor) 53 (Eng 117-6) That's better from Bopara, leaning back and carving Vettori sweetly to the third-man boundary. Hello? Hello? Anyone out there? Oh my giddy aunt, it's another England run out! Bopara pushes into the covers, calls for the run, and Cook is run out by a country mile by Taylor. Bopara should come into bat wearing a black, hooded cloak and carrying a scythe.
25th over - 117-5 Right, sorry about that, lots of technical gremlins this evening. In your absence, Bopara's running between the wickets has deteriorated further and he's almost been run out again and Cook has reached his fifty from 65 deliveries. Bopara works Martin to mid-wicket for a couple before picking up a single with a thick outside edge. One more for Cook and England doing no more than tick over.
22nd over - 107-5 Cook nurdles one to fine-leg but that's the only run of the over. Right, we've got a bit of maintenance that needs doing, so I'll be disappearing for an over or two I'm afraid. Hopefully no more wickets down when I rejoin you...
21st over - 106-5 The sun is out at Sedden Park and there are some magnificent ladies dotted around the Hamilton mounds. There's one with a smashing blue strappy top on...God I can't wait for spring...Bopara skews a drive uppishly through point for four. Testing times for England.
20th over - 100-5 Big lbw appeal against Bopara, who walked across to off and missed a straight one from Oram. That looked out to me, England get a reprieve. Bopara tucks Oram down to fine-leg for one and that's England's ton. Bopara should have gone again there - Cook eases the ball to mid-off and Taylor shies and misses. Bopara daydreaming there and the tourists could do with him sticking around for a few more overs.
19th over - WICKET: Shah b Mason 0 (Eng Mason doing a very manful job for the Kiwis here...and that's Shah on toast without scoring, Mason getting one to nip back and clip the top of off. This England innings fluttering about out there like a tattered old wind sock, Mason 2-21 now as Bopara makes his way to the middle. The Essex man is off the mark with a nurdle to leg.
18th over - 96-4 Cook very nearly plays on, Oram getting the ball to drift back into the left-hander slightly. Umpire Rauf rather curiously calls that four wides, but there was plenty of wood on that and wicket-keeper McCullum very nearly got a glove to that. Alex Pace has suggested that a Kiwi fella would buy his missus a saucy Wallabies outfit - you do the math...
"Regarding the Kiwi Valentine's present, it would probably be new shears, or at least he'd sharpen up the old pair before shearing her."
Bill Logan in the TMS inbox
17th over - WICKET: Collingwood run out (Oram/McCullum) 1 Deary, deary me, Collingwood's gone first ball. He skews an outside edge down to third-man, Oram whips in a superb throw and the England skipper is out attempting a suicidal second run. Not very clever, he was out by miles. Shah shows some nous and blocks the final two balls of the over.
17th over - WICKET: Pietersen lbw b Mason 29 (90-3) Cooky reaches for a drive and picks up four runs from an outside edge. One more single for Cook before Pietersen perishes, trying to work to leg, missing a straight one and getting himself trapped in front by Mason. Big blow that for England.
"Think yourself lucky that you're in the UK on Thursday. In Japan there are two Valentine's Days. Firstly the ladies have to buy a present for their man on the 14 February, then the man has to spend approximately three times as much on the return present on the 14th March."
Grant T, Tokyo, in the TMS inbox
16th over - 85-2 Oram has first bung after the resumption and KP plays his first ball solidly back. The consensus in the TMS box is that Pietersen is playing far more correctly so far, and he certainly has shown a far straighter bat. Pietersen plays all round a yorker and almost misses. Good, probing over from Oram and no run from it.
0429: Right, we're back out in Hamilton and we'll have some play in a few seconds.
0420: Right, enough about Hamilton trapalots, we've got some cricket in a few minutes, so you can start talking about sandwiches again, or anything else you fancy. I was fishing about for Valentine tips before the rain came - what does a Kiwi man buy his missus for the big day? A saucy All Blacks kit?
"If anyone thinks Hamilton is bad, they should go and have a look round Huntly, 30kms to the north. It makes Smethwick look like Monte Carlo."
Jon, Auckland, in the TMS inbox
0358: We will have play in just under half and hour and we hear rumours that it will be a 36 over a side encounter, weather permitting.
0355: Never in its history has the small city of Hamilton caused such a storm. Make your minds up folks - is it any good, or a load of old rubbish? I've actually been there, but I can't remember a single thing about it, apart from the fact that I saw Shane Warne bowl, which may tells its own story...Good news! The sun is out and we're going to have a restart at some stage. Covers about to be dragged off...I'll keep you posted.
"In response to John W (see below), I live in Auckland having moved here from England four years ago. I visited Hamilton a few months back - can't say I agree with you mate, it makes Bogner Regis look idyllic. Come to think of it, I've seen more action at a Berwick Rangers game...shocking place!"
Dan, Auckland, in the TMS inbox
"Can you please ask John R and Tracy where the best places to drink are in Hamilton. I'm going there for the Test match in March and if it's as dull as some suggest, I think I'm going to need liquid assistance!"
Grant T, Tokyo, in the TMS inbox
0335: No let up in the rain in Hamilton. I might get my head down for 10 minutes...
"I moved to Hamilton from West London five months ago and love it here! Any English poking fun at Hamilton make me laugh - just 30 minutes from a spectacular coastline and 90 minutes from Auckland. Could be worse places to live, for example, England."
John W in the TMS inbox
0320: Still lobbing it down in Hamilton. Not sure what to do to be honest. Might have a look on Dead Man Eating - a truly magnificent website.
"Thanks John R (see below) for sticking up for this fabulous town. Don't knock it until you have lived here, way better than Auckland (I lived there for two years and couldn't get out). Big thanks to the Poms for bringing the English weather with you, the farmers will really appreciate it, but my sun tan won't! Go England, knock the Kiwis for 6!"
Tracy, Hamilton - Ex Pommie, in the TMS inbox
"My gut instinct is that Flintoff is not going to play much Test cricket again. He's had three or four operations and you fear his ankle is going to dog him. He could well play some one-day cricket, grit his teeth and bowl 10 overs, but I'm not sure about Test cricket."
Former England fast bowler Angus Fraser on TMS
0306: Of course, it's Valentine's Day on Thursday. Any ideas? Someone recently tried to persuade me that certain 'adult shops' are acceptable places now to purchase Valentine's stocking fillers. That can't be right...can it? What happened to a box of Thorntons truffles and a pair of novelty undercrackers?
"I'm from Essex, Brentwood to be precise, and South Essex in general doesn't have a great reputation. It's not just Grays, it's Canvey Island, Southend, Hockley, Woodford, Basildon, Purfleet, Tilbury and then the ones nearer London, like Dagenham and Ilford. The further north you go in Essex the better, I feel. I'm about in the middle, and it's OK, and needless to say it becomes more rural. Alaistair Cook seems to like Essex and he's from Gloucestershire, so it can't be too bad."
Dan in the TMS inbox
"I have lived in or near Hamilton for nigh on 35 years after leaving England in disgust at what she was rapidly becoming. Whilst it used to be a 'cow town', it is now a fully-fledged city with the best restaurants in the country and a good night life. The cricket pitch is as good or better than many in UK. Hamilton's gardens are world class. If your correspondents got out of Biddy Mulligans and had a look around they might have their eyes opened."
John R, Hamilton, in the TMS inbox
0259: According to Arlo White on TMS, "it's hosing it down in Hamilton". Boycs doesn't see what the problem is: "Light drizzle in Bradford is this..."
0250: One of the lighter covers has been dragged off in Hamilton, which is good news. Bad news is that it's started raining again and the cover has been dragged back on.
"During the 2005 Ashes Test at Old Trafford, I prepared a splendid lunch, including miniature sausage rolls and chicken sandwiches with pesto mayonnaise. My friend Matt, however, brought along a section of baguette, filled with pasta in sauce. You cant eat pasta in a sandwich, that's two sources of carbs."
Katie, Auckland, in the TMS inbox
0243: Still spitting in Hamilton, and it's looking seriously grim in Hammers...bit of Eurythmics at Seddon Park. Good old Annie...is she up for a Brit again this year?
0232: Talking of grim towns, I lived in a town called Kisuki in Japan for a year - that made Hamilton look like Shangri-La. Weirldy, I met and dated a lady from Runcorn while I was there. Needless to say, she spoke very highly of Kisuki.
"Dr Dave (see below), I had the misfortune of having to spend a day and a half in Hamilton in October. I previously lived in Donny (before Christchurch) and it made Donny look sophisticated. They know it too - there's a mandatory $5 exit fee to be paid on departure. I'd have paid $50 happily to get out."
Matt, Christchurch, in the TMS inbox
"It appears you have thrown down the gauntlet Mr The Maul (see below). I am one of those grotty teenage boys, currently combining the act of essay-writing and late-night cricket. Before Jamie Oliver you could get actual 'food' at my school, and my favourite meal at lunchtime was a Chicken Fillet and Sausage Roll Burger, held together with four or five sachets of ketchup. I had that every day for a year and a half. It's amazing I'm still alive."
Jake Fisher in the TMS inbox
0213: Really lobbing it down in Hamilton, I can hear it pinging off the roof of the TMS commentary box. Could be in for a long old break...I'm off for a quick growler...
"The Maul (see below) would be well advised to type the words 'El Bocadillo Del Diablo' into his search engine of choice. Now THAT is what I call a sandwich!"
Tim in the TMS inbox
"I can tell you that one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles that follow England abroad once consumed 15 vindaloos in five days for charity. I know coz I did it with him. A sausage and bacon vindaloo at 8am with a fried egg is superb!"
Rob, Houston, Texas, in the TMS inbox
15th over - 85-2 Mason plonks one in short and Cook flogs him to the mid-wicket fence. Styris got a fingertip to it, but it was only a fraction of a chance. Really looking a bit grim out there and we have spots of rain on the TV cameras. On come the floodlights, and it's only just gone 3pm in Hamilton. The umpires have a natter and the players are coming off. Ho hum...
14th over - 81-2 The burly Oram is into the attack for Martin and has a ropey lbw appeal turned down by Umpire Rauf - KP was well outside the line. Cook picks up a few welcome runs with a punch into the covers.
"Andy, Nottingham - you must have not been to Tilbury or Purfleet. They make Grays look like a rural retreat."
Russell, Essex (The posh part), in the TMS inbox
13th over - 77-2 A single for Cook with a tuck to mid-wicket, but Pietersen is momentairly becalmed, although he does pick up a single with a whip to backward-square. Andy, Nottingham (see above), I was once in a pub in Tilbury (for those that don't know, it's a rather bruising town in Essex, incidentally from where the English armada set sail to fight the Spanish) and witnessed a Scandinavian sailor being chased up a pole and baited by a gang of tattooed dock workers. I didn't intervene.
"Two curries in two days doesn't sicken me (see below). But I got told that I was 'disgusting' by the woman serving me at Mr Sub (similar to Subway) just because I wanted all 12 sauces on my sandwich. It tasted damn good."
The Maul in the TMS inbox
12th over - 75-2 There's one of those blokes who sprays himself silver, stands still for ages and expects people to give him money. My dad once started on a 'human statue' in Stockholm, before realising it was actually a statue. Leg-bye and Pietersen gets off strike before Cook clips Martin to backward of square for one.
"Talking of wet, cold and miserable, our net practice started for the season tonight in Liverpool. Can you say hello to the boys from Goodlass CC from the Liverpool Combination? Make up for the fact that I'm not going to be able to move my right arm or back until Saturday at the earliest."
Tim Robinson in the TMS inbox
11th over - Plenty of dark clouds swirling around as Cook, very much playing second fiddle now, nicks a single. And that's another nugget from KP, showing Mason the maker's name and watching the ball steam towards the long-on fence. The Big Man is in the zone. I just thought, calling KP a "man of Hampshire" is a bit like calling Cary Grant "a man of Bristol".
10th over - 67-2 KP and Cook exchange singles before Pietersen comes over all macho, yanking a bumper from Martin over the square-leg fence. And that's an absolute doozy of a cover-drive on the up and the ball races away for four. And another! Peche de la peche from KP, creaming a length ball to the long-off fence, and England are being patched up by the Hampshire man.
"Ben, I have been to Grays and can confirm to the readers that it is an utterly depressing place, and the world would be a better place without it."
Andy, Nottingham, in the TMS inbox
9th over - 51-2 That's England's fifty, Cook pushing to just wide of mid-on for one. It took England 16 overs to reach fifty in Wellington. Mason is into the attack by the way, and we have a few specks of rain in the air. Pietersen picks up one for a thick inside-edge into the leg-side. I had my second curry in two days before clocking on this evening? Does that sicken anyone out there? If my dad knew, he'd probably decapitate me.
8th over - 49-2 Cook tucks Martin to mid-wicket for one before Martin gets one to hurry onto Pietersen and KP mistimes his pull shot, but the ball drops just wide of Ryder at mid-wicket. Two runs for the shot. I've just seen the commentary boxes on the TV. What in KP's name is going on with them? It's like four workmen's cabins piled on top of each other. The Five Live team want to hope Jesse Ryder doesn't decide to lean on them at any stage, we'll lose a few England greats.
7th over - 46-2 Not much going on in that over...just you keep proving me wrong KP, lovely straight drive for four from the final ball.
"Nowhere looks good on a dark, wet morning (believe me I know - I come from Manchester). Patrick Reynolds should have been here for the past five weeks - glorious sunshine, blue skies, happy people - a much different proposition."
Dr Dave (ex-pat, now living in Cambridge, NZ and working in Hamilton) in the TMS inbox
6th over - WICKET: Bell c McCullum b Martin 0 (Eng 41-2) Bell has gone first ball and England are in danger of imploding once again. Sharp, rising delivery from Martin and Bell fails to get his bat out of the way and the ball deflects off the face and into the gloves of McCullum, diving to his right. Great catch that, shades of Grobbelaar. Crisis of form for the Warwickshire man, and KP is off the mark first ball, driving into the covers and picking up an over-throw after a shy from the cover fieldsman ricochets off the timbers.
6th over - WICKET: Mustard c Vettori b Martin 13 (Eng 41-1) Mustard goes for a rather irresponsible slog and gets an inside-edge which dribbles away for one. Cook picks up a single before Martin drops short and is clobbered over the square-leg fence for the first maximum of the day. But he's gone next ball, throwing the kitchen sink at one, but straight to Vettori at short cover.
5th over - 33-0 Cook is in some seriously good touch here and that's another four, whipped to the long-on boundary. Mustard gives it some hammer, slapping Mills over cover for four, and he picks up one more courtesy of an aerial clip to mid-wicket. Cook steals the strike with a single from the final ball. I would just like to say that I've watched a day of Test cricket in Hamilton and I had a very pleasant time indeed.
4th over - 21-0 Mustard is off the mark with a tuck into the leg-side. Wide from Martin, Cook picks up a single and Mustard does the same from the final ball of the over with an ungainly work to mid-wicket. Apologies for the fact our scorecard appears not to be working, no idea why, but we've got some great minds on it.
"Just shown the Sky Commentary box, and it is very high up, it doesn't even look safe! Think of a Lego tower with only a one brick base! Beefy's a big boy, maybe he is worried he will topple it over! Much better start by England this."
Mark Tallentire in the TMS inbox
3rd over - 18-0 Good running from England's opening pair, Cook turning the ball round the corner and scampering two. Cook looks in pretty good nick, standing tall and rifling Mills through extra-cover for four. Bit wishy-washy that though from Cook, and he's beaten outside off-stump. Bit of James Blunt on the old PA between overs, which is quite apt because Patrick Reynolds has just written in to tell me that "Hamilton is without a doubt the most depressing town in the known world". Which begs the question? Has Patrick Reynolds ever been to Grays? Crackerjack stroke from Cook, another four laced through the covers.
2nd over - 8-0 Martin shares the new ball with Mills. He gives Cook a bit of width and the Essex man carves him through backward-point for four. Tasty shot that. Cooky drops the ball into the off side from the final ball and nicks the strike.
"My mate Keith always used to think Knock Down Ginger was bordering on hooliganism, but if he hated it that much, he really should have dyed his hair."
Lewis Bullivant Azeroth, Just outside Bedford, in the TMS inbox
1st over - 3-0 Right, we're off and Cook is almost out leg before from the fourth ball of the day, but Umpire Baxter decides that was missing leg. Looked like it was hitting to me. Cook picks up a few next ball with a clip off his pads before Mills welcomes Mustard to the crease with a wicked yorker that puts the Durham man on the deck. Plenty of action in that over.
"It looked like Bradford on a bad day in Hamilton this morning..."
Sir Geoffrey Boycott on TMS
0050: Extraordinary news from the Five Live team: Aggers has just revealed that Sir IT Botham is refusing to commentate for Sky because his commentary box is too high and "swaying from side to side". Bizarre, I always thought Beefy was wellard.
New Zealand: JD Ryder, BB McCullum, JM How, LRPL Taylor, SB Styris, PG Fulton, JDP Oram, DL Vettori, KD Mills, MJ Mason, CS Martin England team: AN Cook, P Mustard, IR Bell, KP Pietersen, PD Collingwood, OA Shah, RS Bopara, GP Swann, SCJ Broad, RJ Sidebottom, JM Anderson
"Morning Ben. Can't quite believe I'm here after the debacle of the other day, and feel that even more so with the announcement that England have gone with the same team and Dimi in particular is still on the sidelines. Dear Lord! Fools!"
Sarah, hoping to be proved wrong in Canterbury, in the TMS inbox
0045: Will on the Wirral asks if I'm "on the job all night". Alas, Will, I'm stuck in an office in West London doing over-by-over cricket. Off to Paris on Thursday though, I'll probably be on the job all weekend out there. Long live Bernard Breslaw.
"Morning Ben, here's hoping for a far greater performance then that shambles on Saturday morning. I think a jumbo cup of coffee and a box of jelly babies should help keep me going, and I've decided not to bother with my 10am seminar tomorrow - so far so good!"
Andy, Nottingham, in the TMS inbox
0034: New Zealand skipper Daniel Vettori wins the toss and puts England into bat. He initially thought it was a bat-first wicket, but overhead conditions and his belief that the track has been sweating under the covers persuaded him otherwise. England skipper Paul Collingwood says he would have had a bowl as well. No changes for England, while the Black Caps have replaced spinner Jeetan Patel with seamer Michael Mason.
0027: All right? The second one-day international between England and New Zealand in Hamilton this evening/morning/whatever the ruddy heck it is where you are and England had better pull their finger out, they were pitiful last week in Wellington. What has happened to this country? Can't play cricket, and Paxo informs me this evening on Newsnight that attacking fire crews has become "a recreational pursuit" for some of our youths. Me and my mates used to think knock down ginger was bordering on hooliganism.