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By Sam Lyon
1924 - England 169-7 Ryan Sidebottom sees off all six deliveries to see out the final over, but that is India's day no doubt. Thank you one and all for keeping me company - and keeping me sane - on an up-and-down day. Heartfelt apologies to the hundreds of you that I wasn't able to publish but rest assured you kept me giggling like a schoolgirl all day nonetheless. Mark Mitchener will take you through the action tomorrow - here's hoping for a dry but overcast day so England's bowlers can get in amongst them. I'm off for a few looseners... jubbly.
1920 - England 169-7 Chris Tremlett is enjoying himself a bit now, drilling a lovely shot off the back foot for four off the penultimate ball of the over and that's Kumble's lot for the day.
"Lots of beer-fuelled chants of Eng-er-land Eng-er-land Eng-er-land from the Barmy Army but this is India's day. England need movement for their pacemen tomorrow otherwise this game could slip away quickly..." BBC Sport's Paresh Soni at Trent Bridge
1917 - England 165-7 A mis-field at the start of the over hands a couple to Chris Tremlett, and the Hampshire ace brings up his first boundary in Test cricket with a well-placed prod down to third man.
1913 - England 158-7 Wahey - the laughing juice is starting to work its magic in the crowd as the 'Barmy army' launch into a few choruses of "Engerland" - a rather optimistic and sympathetic chant you feel, but nice enough. Sidey does well against Kumble's over, with one coming off it.
1907 - WICKET! Bell lbw Zaheer 31, England 157-7 To coin a Dirsy phrase - oopsy-daisy Martin Hayesy! Ian Bell is trapped plumber than plumb by an inswinging Zaheer Khan delivery and he must take the long walk back to the hutch. England's chances of getting up to and over 200 are now slimmer than a catwalk model's ankles - what a toss to win it was this afternoon for India, and how their bowlers have exploited the conditions. Ryan 'Roger Daltrey' Sidebottom sees out the over.
"If Alastair Cook's score is relative to the number of sweets being discussed (re: SF), surely for England's second innings we should discuss hundreds and thousands and their merits on fairy cakes and other delicacies." Reg, Newcastle via email
1904 - England 155-6 Anil Kumble has Chris Tremlett scratching around like a nervous teenager on a first date, but the England bowler survives a couple of lbw shouts and sees out the over. Five more overs remaining in the day's play - can the big man survive that long?
"I'm Nagalese and "rak lud net nihcas" actually means "I'm going to bring over your mutton curry"!! My housemate is Welsh and Steve is obviously more than a stone's throw from fluency in that language mind you." Pundi Hempedu, Manchester via email
1901 - England 154-6 Zaheer Khan returns and it should have reaped its rewards immediately - the paceman gaining the edge off Chris Tremlett only for Tendulkar to shell a simple chance at first slip. Perhaps his thoughts are on Friday night shenanigans. Sorry, I'm sounding desperate now aren't I. A maiden over.
"As I tried to point out earlier to Mr Lyon, the score of Cook (43, not 42) was somewhat spooky, following the in depth mathematical discussions on bags of Gelatinous Infants (thank you Declan). Maybe for our next innings we should limit ourselves to discussions on bags of McCains Oven Chips, and he may score more than 100." SF via email
1857 - England 154-6 Anil Kumble almost does for Tremlett with a quicker, flatter delivery, but the big man survives thanks to a thick inside edge that brings him a single. Ian Bell punches a couple and he then dances down the wicket to one which he drills back at Kumble, only for the spinner to save what would've been a certain boundary. Belly looks like he's going to up the pace with partners running out...
1853 - England 151-6 Chris Tremlett - who is not all bad with the bat for a bowler in county cricket - gets his first runs in Test cricket following a pair in the first Test with a deliberate dab down through the slip cordon for three and that brings up England's 150.
"Can you just confirm to John Burgin (he who enquired after his parents' state of sobriety earlier on), that his folks are, according to my source, nicely sozzled, after partaking in much more than a soupcon of liquid refreshment this afternoon." Martin via email
1847 - WICKET! Prior c Dravid b Kumble 11, England 147-6 Disaster for England! Kumble gets one to bounce and turn away off a length and Prior can only guide it to Dravid at slip. That is the 49th time Dravid has caught off Kumble in Tests and it exposes the tail nicely - India might look to wrap up this innings tonight, now...
1843 - England 146-5 Bell cracks a beauty of a drive through the covers for four off RP Singh, and that does him for the over, the number six happy to prod away the next four deliveries. Trent Bridge is bathed in sunshine at the moment, and a few members of the crowd are even deigning to shed their top-coats. Crazy stuff.
"Raghav G Koutchikardi spelt backwards is Id rakih ctuok gvahgar, which is "you're pulling my leg" in Welsh. True story." Steve, a stone's throw from Trent Bridge, via email
1839 - England 140-5 Anil Kumble, with a distinct lack of sympathy for any of us that wouldn't mind shooting out for a few Friday night sherbets, takes an age warming up on his return to the attack and marks out his run about 367 times. I'm sure that's what the Trent Bridge crowd came to see. It does little good, though, the spinner sending down a rank long-hop that Prior batters through the covers for four.
"Can we have more rain? It was much more fun this morning." Mike in Vilnius via email
1834 - England 135-5 Matt Prior gets off the mark from his 18th delivery, taking advantage of a full leg-side delivery from RP Singh to bring up a four. He then times one square on the off side for a three - good end to the over for England.
1831 - England 128-5 Bell latches onto a wide one from Tendulkar and crashes one straight to the boundary on one knee. A clip through square leg brings him two more and he looks in good touch.
"Sachin Tendulkar spelt backwards is rak lud net nihcas which means "I'm going to bowl you out" in Nagalese. True story..." Raghav G Koutchikardi via email
1826 - England 122-5 Bell follows a driven two with a cut away for a four, zipping the ball to the boundary with a well-timed stroke. But the Shermanator gets away with one very next ball, RP Singh squaring him up with one that goes across only for the edge to fall short of Tendulkar at slip. A single brings Matt Prior onto strike, and the wicket-keeper, who has yet to get off the mark, sees out the over.
"Can I just point out to Tim in Manchester that if he hadn't spent all afternoon witty comments emailing Sam Lyon, however unsuccessfully, he might also be now down the pub and not catching up at work. Just as well it rained this morning or he'd have to go in tomorrow as well." Paul, catching up on work, Lancashire via email
1821 - England 115-5 Sachin Tendulkar comes on to turn his arm over, bringing an end to a fabulous spell from Sourav Ganguly, who leaves the field for a well-earned break. Belly pinches a couple through the leg side before punching a single through the covers.
"In the last Test match it was India praying for the clouds and rain and it looks like to be England's turn - come on chaps lets have a proper match as we have tickets for the last 2 days but looks like to be all over by then at this rate!" Charan via email
1817 - England 112-5 Matt Prior is forced to curb his attacking instincts by another accurate Santh over, the India seamer finding more good shape and length in another maiden over.
1812 - England 112-5 Sourav Ganguly's tail is well and truly up at the minute, and he is yelping and yelling like a youngster barefoot in a bramble bush. Bell swishes one off his pads for a couple first ball, but watches a couple swing past his outside edge to end the over.
"Bearing in mind it's now early evening I'm assuming most people have left work for the day and are in the pub... I may now get a comment shown right?! Did I get lucky? Did I?" Tim, still in work in Manchester via email
You're lucky the quality of email banter has slipped so notably Tim, you really are...
1808 - England 110-5 Accuracy again the order of the day for Santh, whose over yields just a single to BBC columnist and generally jolly nice bloke Matt Prior.
1801 - WICKET! Cook lbw Ganguly 43, England 109-5 Oh dear... Alastair Cook, who has survived so well today, falls lbw to Sourav Ganguly and that's five down for England. Cook's 111-ball knock of 43 ended by the wide-eyed medium-pacer - no-one likes to see that. Hawk Eye suggests the ball was going over the top, but Simon Taufel had little hesitation in giving it out and a lot of pressure is on Ian Bell and Matt Prior's shoulders now.
"I have a suspicion that Dominic Townsend is a Jelly Babies brand manager and is indulging in a spot of subversive word-of-mouth marketing. He very nearly pulled it off mind you, except I made a last minute switch at the cornershop counter and opted for Liquorice Allsorts. Rather illogically, I thought they'd be better for my hangover." Will from Edinburgh via email
1756 - England 109-4 More repair work from Santh on his run-up but it's another maiden over. My thoughts are already turning to my Friday night activities I must be honest... That said, light and weather permitting, we can play up until 1930 so stick with me here.
1752 - England 109-4 Alastair Cook comes to the party post-tea with a brilliantly-timed flick from outside off through the leg side for four but Ganguly's over is otherwise on the money and five dot ball follow.
1747 - England 105-4 Ian "Chief Chirpa" Bell comes to the crease and gets off the mark with a flick down to the boundary fence off his hips.
1742 - WICKET! Collingwood b Santh 28, England 101-4 Bosh! India's miserly start to the session pays dividends with the sun beating down in Nottingham, Sree Santh getting one to jag back through the gate and sending Paul Collingwood's middle stump flying.
1741 - England 101-3 A single each for Colly and Cooky bring up the England hundred, and Colly prods off his hips for another to end the over.
1737 - England 98-3 It is now just three singles in seven overs since tea for England - not exactly edge of your seat stuff - so in the meantime, website users can check out Alastair Cook's front-foot drive masterclass...
1734 - England 97-3 Another tight over from India, who have gone back to line and length post tea, and it's just a single off the over to bring up the 50 partnership. Ganguly has a wildly optimistic shout for lbw, but it struck Colly so far outside off stump it would've gone on to hit Sachin at first slip had it missed.
"re: Jelly Babies. As a top notch pettifogger myself, I'd like to point out that the chance of him selecting 4 red jelly babies is in fact 1 in 1 given that it actually happened." Dave, London via email
1728 - England 96-3 Explosive stuff from Collingwood, prodding a single off Khan for the only scoring shot of the over. A quick glance into the crowd shows an elderly gentleman drinking what can only be described as a urine-coloured liquid from a plastic bag. That's how to liven things up post-tea innit!
"Can anyone tell me why the stewards waited until a gentleman took 10 minutes blowing up giant banana, then took it off him? Were they perhaps hoping he would be too out of breath to complain?" Kartik Pringle via email
1725 - England 95-3 It's hardly the most electric cricket at the moment, Ganguly throwing down another maiden to Paul Collingwood. Dum de dum...
1722 - 95-3 Zaheer Khan replaces Anil Kumble after just one over and he sends down another maiden. Pedestrian, watchful start this to the session from England, with Collingwood leaving well alone more often them not. Meanwhile, some poor chap in the crowd who has spent 10 minutes blowing up and inflatable banana has it confiscated by a steward. Who then waves animatedly at the camera. The witch.
1717 - England 95-3 Ganguly continues with his medium-pacers, and it's a crafty little maiden. Cooky happy to stay on the defensive and, stone the crows, the sun comes out.
Re Nick Martin's "Out of Orifice": Try: "NO EMAILS FOR 20 MINUTES PLEASE! *Jelly babies proviso - all maths done is under the assumption that there is an even split of colours. That is all.*" That should get them thinking." SF via email
1713 - England 95-3 The players emerge from tea and Anil Kumble will turn his arm over for the first time with the first over. Predictable accuracy from the spinner and he gets the final session going with a just a single off the last ball.
"With regards to the jelly baby conundrum, it would be an act of top notch pedantry to point out that we are unaware whether Dominic Townsend was looking into the bag as he selected the gelatinous infants. If he deliberately chose red, this undoubtedly pushes the probability towards 100%." Declan, London via email
"I finish my job on Wednesday and was thinking of putting a comedy out of office for outlook asap. Any got any ideas for a non offensive one, I was going to start with "I'm currently out of the orifice....." Nick Martin via email
1651 - England 94-3 Zaheer's radar goes off for the over, allowing Collingwood to clip for four off his legs and then Alastair Cook hooking brilliantly for another boundary. Cook grabs three off the last ball to make it 14 from the over - and that will be tea. NO EMAILS FOR 20 MINUTES PLEASE! *Jelly babies proviso - all maths done is under the assumption that there is an even split of colours. That is all.*
"I'm afraid, Mr Carson, that the exact probability depends on the colour of that extra baby. As we do not know this the question is unanswerable." William Collins, Yorkshire via email
1647 - England 80-3 Sourav "Gin" Ganguly, one of the most abrasive and unlikeable characters on a cricket pitch in his pomp, is into the attack and his wobblers cause little alarm to Alastair Cook, who leaves five deliveries alone outside off stump, before offering a forward defensive to the last that just skips past the outside edge. A maiden.
"Latest news on the calendar... April, May and December have been snapped up on your Facebook. Any other females interested get on and claim your month! (It's more interesting that percentage jelly baby conversation)" Chris, South Wales via email
"As this is obviously an internet dating service site, shouldn't there be a login/password screen and a place where we can all enter a credit card number in order to get scammed?" Jem McD, NY via email
1643 - England 80-3 Zaheer Khan returns to the attack and brings some welcome accuracy for the touring side. Cooky and Colly remain watchful, leaving most well alone and pinching just a single after the recent flurry of runs.
"Hold the phones, the girl on the right (Sera!?!) has got a Scottish widows' advert thing going on, you know the one, lost in a maze, bad weather, kind of thing, just me I assume then!! in that case, she's very attractive, and I should go back to work!!!!" James, not the one in the photo, Bournemouth via email
"Not sure if there are any rules to the TMS Blind Date game but if not then can I have contestant number 3 please?" Ruth via email
1639 - England 79-3 England might just have settled a bit here (cue commentator's curse, I'm sure). Both batsmen are getting in well behind the ball, with Colly punching one through the covers off the back foot for three off RP Singh. A couple of other singles off the over and Collingwood drills another boundary off the back foot - the one-day skipper is now on 18 from 18 balls.
"Craig Willsmer's method is correct but the wally got the number wrong... there were 43 in the pack, not 42. The probability is 0.028%, not 0.0313%." Simon Carson via email
"I'm feeling a bit left out with all of this hetero-dating service. Is James (pictured below) an equal opportunities boyfriend?" Ian, Cambridge via email
"Are Kieran, James and Scott old enough to be on a dating site?" Rob Elliott via email
"Sam, could you give me an update on how drunk my parents are? They left for Trent Bridge this morning, my mother with the expressed intention of 'spending the day in the bar'. I fear the inclement start to the day can only have 'aided and abetted' this aim. I need to know as my sister's picking them up from Peterborough later and she will need to know what degree of persuasion will be required to coax them out of the Great Northern Hotel at the station." John Burgin via email
1629 - England 70-3 Paul Collingwood decides attack is the best form of attack, pulling Zaheer Khan for four before drilling one down the ground for another boundary. That's 11 from that over and a welcome productive one for England.
"Sarah, the best remedy for emotional trauma is without a doubt 12 pints of lager and a curry. While you're drinking you'll be happy as a lark and when you wake up you'll have other things to worry about than emotional trauma." geoff.k.mchugh via email
1625 - England 59-3 Little wayward from Sree Santh, who is looking to swing full deliveries into Cooky's pads, but succeeds only in giving the opener two cheap leg-side boundaries. Welcome relief for the hosts.
"....is it just me or does Kieran (at least I'm assuming on the left!) look spookily like Mike Skinner of Streets fame?! Who woulda thought it - a multi-millionaire pop star looking for love on TMS live text!!" Sam, Croydon via email
1620 - England 50-3 Alastair Cook nudges a couple for two off the first ball from Singh, before five dot balls follow. Subdued atmosphere at Trent Bridge, with all the fireworks coming from India's bowlers.
And, pulled out of the hat utterly randomly, is this explanation on the Jelly Baby thing from Craig Willsmer...
"First baby comes out - it needs to be red - there are 7 red babies in the packet of 42, so that's a 7 in 42 chance. Second baby comes out - it needs to be red - there are now 6 red babies in the packet of 41, so that's a 6 in 41 chance. Third baby comes out, 5 red ones left in a total of 40, so that's 5 in 40. Fourth baby coming out red is a 4 in 39 chance. The probability that each of these events occurs in sequence means that the probabilities must be multiplied (like an accumulator bet), hence the 7/42 x 6/41 x 5/40 x 4/39 formula, and the very small result (0.0313 %)." Craig Willsmer via email
1617 - England 48-3 Massive shout for lbw against Alastair Cook, but Simon Taufel is having none of it. Sree Santh looks like someone has just made off with his Chocolate Fudge dessert, and replays suggest Cook was very fortunate to survive that. Height will have been his concern, but Hawk Eye suggests it was hitting the top of middle. Another shout - more subdued this time - ends the over and Cook pinches a single.
1609 - WICKET! Pietersen lbw Singh 13, England 47-3
England are reeling at the moment, with the ball doing all sorts. RP Singh returns to the attack after a brief rest and he pulls a jaffa out of the bag, pitching it in line and bringing it back into England's number four from over the wicket and Ian Howell has little hesitation in sticking up the finger. His index finger, that is, don't get any ideas. There might have been a small doubt over height, but it looked good enough to me.
1606 - England 46-2 Big shout for lbw against Kevin Pietersen, but the big man is saved by an obvious inside-edge. Sree Santh's despair is compounded next ball when KP edges one to the fence. By the way, if you all don't stop sending me your answers to Dominic's jelly babies conundrum, I may just top myself. I think about 250 have come in on that one subject so far, most of them with full workings. It is doing my brain in, I don't mind telling you...
"I think Andrew Strauss can be called "class" (see below) - upper!" Nick Fuller via email
1602 - England 42-2 Zaheer returns after the break and it's a tight enough over, until Cook edges one for four off the last delivery.
And here are the blokes - Kieran, James and Scott. Now, fresh from the success of earlier, I would imagine this will fall firmly on its face, but you never know...
Right, here we are then gentlemen, for no other reason than for our own enjoyment - three lovely ladies for your perusal, Liz, Lisa and Sera. Three fellas will follow.
1556 - England 38-2 Cooky brings up 1500 runs in only his 36th innings with a well-timed three through midwicket - that makes him the youngest English batsman to reach that mark, beating David Gower, Ian Botham and, erm, Ian Bell. Almost a triumvirate of batting class that. KP responds with a glorious drive for four next ball, and that's 10 from the over and that will be drinks.
1550 - England 28-2 Zaheer Khan will have first go at Kevin Pietersen - oh how the Indian team would love to nip him out early doors - but the only man in the England team who can lay claim to the description "class" gets off the mark with a clip off his hips for four and that's it for a rather tame over.
"I work with a very nice (youngish) lady who just loves your clever and witty scribblings. She has spent the whole day breaking the company's Internet policy by reading the banter on your live cricket commentary. Anyway although usually a mouthy lady she has gone to jelly having looked you up on Facebook to see what you look like...she says 'she hearts you' and has offered me 50 quid if I can set up a date with you... Would you consider this... maybe you and I could split the £50 after you make a polite excuse after 10 minutes and meet up with the geezers in the pub..." Jon via email
1546 - England 24-2 RP Singh takes over from Sree Santh, who has been a little tame this afternoon, and he starts with a maiden over to Cooky.
"I wondered if anyone else had noticed the similarity between England's Ian Bell and Return of the Jedi Ewok favourite Chief Chirpa?" James Butler via email
1541 - WICKET! Vaughan c Tendulkar b Zaheer 9, England 24-2 Change of approach from Zaheer Khan, who digs one in for a bit of chin music for Vaughan, and the England skipper wears a horrid one on the side of the head attempting a hook. He shakes it off rather manfully and prods one off his hips for his first boundary on the head. But Zaheer Khan does for him off the last ball, going round the wicket and getting one to nip away and Vaughan can only edge to Tendulkar at slip.
1537 - England 20-1 Santh has to indulge in a little bit of gardening twice during his over, taking time to dump handfuls of sawdust along his run-up as he starts to work his feet into the turf. The result is a puff of dust on every run-up, making it appear as if the Indian seamer is emerging through the doors ala Stars in their Eyes on every delivery. This week, Matthew, I will be... (suggestions please). Just a couple off another accurate over.
"Sarah, did Bill/Paddy ask for your bank account details. My brief engagement to Sveltlana of Russia came to an abrupt end after the expected dowry of 1million roubles failed to materialise into the bank account, details of which I gave her. I fear I was duped by the little vixen." Charles, Wales via email
1529 - England 18-1 Oooh - near escape for Alastair Cook, who pushes away from his body at another Zaheer Khan outswinger, only for the edge to fall short of Sourav Ganguly in the slip cordon and it goes for four. Khan has got his length spot on so far today, giving the ball every chance to swing, and England are hanging on. A couple of singles end the over.
1525 - England 11-1 More of the same from Santh, with Michael Vaughan keeping his bat well out of the way for most. Tricky little session this for England.
"Just wanted to say a big thank you to everyone for their support in matchmaking today - especially Kate Galvin for her lovely comment too! Will keep you updated on how the story unfolds - wish me luck!" Emma in Kent via email
1521 - England 11-1 Just a single from that over and India are piling on the pressure with accurate bowling and four slips and a gully behind the bat. By the way, I have been inundated with answers to Dominic's jelly babies maths question and I can honestly say I don't understand any of them. Nor were any two answers the same, interestingly.
1516 - England 10-1 Cook gets off the mark from his 10th ball faced, timing one brilliantly through the covers on the drive. The left-hander is looking to play it as late as possible at every opportunity and he looks safe as houses at the moment...
"To Richard Laughton, it pains me to say, Richard, but since Bill of Switzerland morphed into Paddy of Portugal and was asked to provide evidence of his identity, he has been rather conspicuous by his absence. I suspect I may have been duped. My dreams of a Swiss wedding on the hillside with little page boys in lederhosen are hanging by a thread... How can I survive this emotional trauma?" Sarah, Canterbury via email
1510 - WICKET! Strauss c Tendulkar b Zaheer 4, England 6-1
Strauss goes! Full and swinging away from Zaheer Khan and Andy Pandy's attempted drive only finds Sachin Tendulkar at first slip. Khan immediately goes over the wicket to Michael Vaughan, but the England captain sees out the over without alarm, grabbing a couple off the last.
"Re: Tim Dawe. Daily Mail readers deserve to be terrorised." Sadie, Kingston via email
1507 - England 4-0: Sree Santh will share the new ball with Khan, and he gets a couple to zip across Alastair Cook, who leaves alone before getting away with a swipe at the last that he inside-edges just past his own stumps.
"Do Richard & Emma still run that shop in The League of Gentlemen?" Steve Mowan via email
1502 - England 4-0 A few Zaheer Khan deliveries seam in at Andrew Strauss, but the opener gets England off the mark with a fine drive down the ground that goes for four. As a bonus, the ball rolls through a stupidly sodden part of the outfield and that won't please the India bowlers.
1457: Right, a mere four hours late, and the players are coming out onto the pitch. Your guess is as good as mine as to how long they will be out there - apparently there's rain around the ground, but it's dry enough as we are. Andrew Strauss and Alastair Cook look primed and ready for battle - ish - and we'll be off in a minute...
"What is Mr Woodford doing still at school? It's the end of July, for goodness sake - shouldn't he be hanging round his local shopping centre terrorising the Daily Mail readers?" Tim Dawe via email
1454: "A few of the Indian journalists were surprised Dravid opted to field even though the ground has been enveloped by cloud. If they don't take a few wickets, the knives could be sharpened..." BBC Sport's Paresh Soni
"Can we have a conclusion to the Richard and Emma story before the first ball please?" Chris Gabbett via email
Chris, it's all gone a bit quiet on that front since I forwarded their email addresses to eachother. I imagine they are now engaged in delightfully poetic chat about forward-defensives and right-arm-overs and the like, and planning their upcoming wedding. I'll keep you posted.
"With 20 mins to go, please could some genius work out this conundrum? A packet of Jelly babies weighs 215g, and has six different flavours. Lets say each baby weighs 5 grams, making about 43 in a pack. What are the odds of pulling out 4 babies, and them all being red (as I have just done)!" Dominic Townsend, Glasgow via email
"What is this toss you speak of? And who is Rahul Dravid? I thought this was the BBC chat room, and you come and interfere with this talk of fielding first. Can we keep this on topic please?" Stewart, Bristol via email
"Love is in the air... every sight and every sound... is it me or the two large glasses of vin blanc I consumed at lunchtime or do Emma and Richard look like a lovely couple? Sod the cricket, this hot bed of love action is what we should be focused on... roll up the pictures from Fiona Ross...." Kate Galvin via email
"In addition to matchmaking in the manner of the stage MC from a provincial retro-themed nightclub, are you going to request we post photos of ourselves to elect a Mr and Miss TMS?" Nick via email
Sound like a spiffing idea, Nick - get those pix coming in folks.
"Dear Mr Wilkinson: Good luck with the wedding to Emma, way to go Sir. Can we have our English essays back soon. Thanks from your year 10 English class." Dominic Woodford via email
"I would like to comment on the fact that my emails which whilst being composed are wasting time, are in fact wasting twice as much time as they don't even get published......hmmm is that a correct equation or is there one for both emails that do get published and those that don't....we have had English lessons, how about some maths!" Joe Deucher via email
"Am still waiting for the invite to Bill and Sarah's Swiss wedding (I need to book the alpenhorns) - can we get an update on the latest plans please?" Richard Laughton via email
1432: News from the middle - India have won the toss and have opted to field first. Rahul Dravid hopes to take advantage of any moisture in the pitch, and claims not to be concerned that the ball will get wet in the outfield. India are unchanged. Micky Vaughan, for his part, says he would have bowled first too but wants his batsman to "get out there and put the opposition under pressure". Just like he says at every. single. toss. ever.
England: Andrew Strauss, Alastair Cook, Michael Vaughan (capt), Kevin Pietersen, Paul Collingwood, Ian Bell, Matt Prior (wk), Chris Tremlett, Ryan Sidebottom, Monty Panesar, James Anderson.
Umpires: Simon Taufel (AUS), Ian Howell (RSA). TV Umpire: Nigel Llong (ENG). Match referee: Ranjan Madugalle (SRI)
"The answer to Alisdair Paxton's email ¿ your wife gets scared and takes your children away." Jim via email
"Do you think it would be wise to see two more girls pictures so the viewers can see the 3 girls in true Blind Date fashion. We'll just have to find a way for Richard not to look at the pictures? Now how do we do that?" Fiona Ross via email
He's at lunch at the moment, Fiona, it won't be a problem...
"Alasdair - not much. I never leave home without my night-vision goggles and they drew a blurry blank in my office toilets. Though a colleague, who was using the loo at the time, had the fright of his life when he came out to find a Doctor Who villain look-a-like facing him." Daniel Kendrick via email
1428: Aaannddd...just to keep you all on your toes, the covers are now coming off and the sun is coming out...
"I'll sell you my soul to appear on here. Especially as I think it might cause much jealousy in the office where everyone swears by Live Commentary as Gospel." James Allan via email
"It started raining hard then stopped but it's quite cloudy here and the sun is trying to find a way through. There is a strong breeze blowing the clouds eastwards so we might not be delayed too much. Who knows..." BBC Sport's Paresh Soni at Trent Bridge
1422: Oh deary, deary me... word from our man at Trent Bridge is that it is now raining and the covers are going back on. Kill me. Kill me now.
"Right we've got 40 mins to fill the txt with as much inane chat as possible..... If mirrors need light to work, what happens if you put night vision goggles on in the dark and look at a mirror?" Alasdair Paxton via email
"Did you know that you and Ben have invented an entirely new way of wasting time? How many people do you reckon have challenged their colleagues to be the first to get an email published by you? I bet it's loads - I know I have. You should be ashamed of your impact on productivity." Rob Andrews via email
Actually, forget the cricket - Richard has been back in touch...watch this space people...
"And here's my pic ... Sam has my email address to pass on if you'd like it Emma. And I'll be off for lunch." Richard Wilkinson via email
"Re the commentary wedding, I propose the autumn. That way everyone has enough time to prepare. Particularly Sam with his best man speech (I think that seeing as he did the introductions its only fair he gets this prestigious role). Tom Fordyce could be an usher and I see Dirs in the role of bawdy uncle, getting too drunk too early, dancing badly and leering inappropriately at the bridesmaids?!" Duncan via email
1407: Stop the press!! We have a 1500 start people! This commentary may just get some cricket chat in it today after all...
"As this appears to be a forum to discuss virtually anything now, can I make a request that Gavin London at the other end of our office in the Stock Exchange makes everyone a nice cup of tea before play starts!" Simon Salter via email
"Re: Greg Rutland's observation, never mind Cilla, who's going to be 'Our Graham' with his 'quick reminder'!!" Steve from Swindon via email
"I thought I might up the ante. I'll give you £10 whole English pounds AND join your Facebook group if you print this email. It'll also help me win my bet with my colleague. Everyone's a winner. Where do I send the postal order?" Gavin, London via email
Keep the tenner, Gavin, my payment is your happiness...
"Pseudonyms: Ivor Windybottom, Hugh Jass, I.P. Freely, Al Coholic, Oliver Clothesoff, Jaques Strap, Amanda Huggenkiss, Anita Bath. Why I retain this knowledge I have no idea." Harry, Reading via email
"More misleading signage: "LATEST ACTION AS IT HAPPENS" on the TMS website today" Denzil from Belgium via email
1400: Right, fresh from a rather stale Tuna baguette and fresh orange juice (not exactly the stuff of pre-Friday night stomach-lining fare is it?) I'm afraid I have returned to my desk to discover a short email from my colleague Paresh Soni at Trent Bridge, which simply reads: "Bad news. It's clouded over significantly and they look poised to cover the square in anticipation of rain." And according to a few of you on email, it's tipping it down in Derby and Leicester... oh dear...
Still to cheer us all, and Richard Wilkinson in particular, up... Emma has been back in touch...
"Here's my pic - your turn Richard! Better make it a pink hat Sam!" Emma in Kent
"Dirs will be gutted about this wedding talk. I know for a fact he was desperate to play the Cilla Black part, I've seen his ginger wig." Greg Rutland via email
1319: And on that somewhat worrying admission from Greg, I'm off to grab a bite to eat - back in a bit - STOP THE EMAILS COMING IN! Merci (that's French).
"Someone should explain the rules of Friday to Damo from Manchester. It's ok to have mouth-to-mouth with any type of bird without worrying about catching anything! Granted we usually adopt this rule after about ten pints of continental strength lager." Ste Pritchard via email
"While we are on the subject of writing to TMS under a pseudonym (Dave Thomas), I was wondering what is the funniest pseudonym to use on TMS, or better - to page at the airport? Any suggestions?" Dan Gleebles via email
"Was just browsing the commentary teams' Facebook groups and blimey, you're lagging behind Dirs aren't you? Tell you what, if you post this up I'll join your group... and nominate myself for the calendar." Cat, Bristol via email
What can I say Cat - Dirsy's been on a fierce recruiting mission since his group started. Every single one of the people in my group joined of their own accord, without a single prompt ever on one of my commentaries. Ahem, cough...
"Is this the same Sam Lyon who went to Wadham College? He had a great head of hair and a beautiful cut-glass accent. Is it him??" Teddy Finn via email
Erm, no Teddy, it's not, sorry. Though my accent can certainly be described as 'cut-glass', whatever that means. As can Dirsy's. Absolutely.
"Re: the disabled toilet comments, I agree that signs can be hilarious. For instance, "Baby Changing Area". Why would you want to change your baby for another one, and do you get a selection?" David, in sunny Hertfordshire via email
"Sam Lyon? Bah! I discovered just the other day that Panama's tourism minister is the improbably-named Ruben Blade, who presumably leads a double-life as some sort of international crime-fighter/superhero." Simon Nias via email
"Mike Gatting's tucking into his lunch. Funny how everyone picks him out when they enter the dining area...I don't think he will have been impressed by the offerings of quiche and salad, with very little by way of slabs of meat..." BBC Sport's Paresh Soni at Trent Bridge
1302: Latest from the middle - wait for it... it'll be another inspection at 1400 BST! It is literally all happening here... ahem...
"This could be love, Richard Wilkinson! I'm 27, single, no kids and solvent too. Have been described in the past as "cute". Am intrigued that you are "apparently" good looking - which cricket player would you say you look most like?" From a, now giggling, Emma, in Kent via email
I'm telling you, Emma, I'm preparing a hat as we speak. The first TMS wedding can not be too far away - the Sarahs of this world are often inundated with offers, but I feel Emma and Richard have a real shot. It has been known for punters' photos to be posted up here, you know - with their express permission of course - just something for you two to consider...
"Maybe its a case of the groundstaff having found an internet connection and are single. For them its either get out the tea towels and sponges and get on their knees in the outfield or follow the genesis of the TMS Commentary Calendar. I guess Allan "The Don" Donald has been following the events and has put 2 and 2 together." Richard Hopcraft, Daventry via email
"Why does Richard from Birmingham advertise owning his own solvent? I've got three kinds of glue in my shed but never imagined they would help attract Emma or any other women from Kent. Maybe I should try dabbing some on my neck?" Tom, London via email
"John in London and his disabled toilet. Other signs such as "slow children"... are they all a bit thick...? Can anyone think of any other amusing signs?" bmsdjdu via email
"I'm afraid I can't possibly do the calendar today - I have left my whites, pads & gloves at home and don't have a helmet. It just wouldn't comply with any sort of health and safety. At least Dave Thomas didn't accuse me of being a man though..." Angharad via email
"Sitting in my office working (ahem) and a pigeon has just flown full force into the window and is now lying on the floor outside. Can I catch anything from it if I administer mouth-to-beak?" Damo, Manchester via email
"Get a helicopter down there! That'll dry it out! Or you could take the West Indian approach and pour petrol down and light it, that would solve you water problem in no time!" Hodgson86 on 606
"Sam Lyon is such an incredibly macho name. I mean Sam from either Samson (biblical strength) or Samsonite (fairly durable luggage) and Lyon, well just like Lion isn't it, the king of the jungle. Or maybe a French city or a ginger cake, in which case it doesn't sound quite so tough. Anyway if I was writing a detective story starring a non-nonsense private eye with a penchant for brutality, this is exactly the kind of name I would be looking for. That or maybe Hanguard Chromium, one of the two." Adrian Bell via email
"Regarding the email on The Ladies of TMS Clockwatch Calendar, am I the only one concerned that the Emmas in Kent and Sarahs in Canterbury of this world may in fact be Big Ken Johnson of Kent and Roy 'Chopper' Higgins of Canterbury? The resulting calendar may not be as we hope." Dave Thomas via email
1242: And England bowling coach Allan Donald adopts his best killjoy persona at Trent Bridge, claiming he would be surprised if we got "any play in at all" today. Hhmmm...
1239: Hold the phone... there is "not so much squelch" according to Nick Knight on the outfield... until you get nearer the boundary and it's still very soggy. As a few of you have pointed out from the ground, "efforts" to dry the field have appeared minimal, though all and sundry claim the ground staff "must be praised". Let's just keep our fingers crossed, hey.
"Well just for Emma in Kent via email. Richard is 32 years old from Birmingham, single, no kids, own house and solvent, apparently good looking too, your turn!" Richard Wilkinson via email
"In response to Toby McCathie, there are approximately eight professional staff in my office trying to work out what to do with a rat that's collapsed outside. And as for pedants, I get annoyed by the term 'disabled toilet'. If it was, indeed, disabled, it would not work. Surely the term should be 'toilet for the disabled'." John, London via email
"What has happened to Michael Vaughan's obsession of talking about himself in the third person from earlier in the season - it was comedy gold. By the winter tours will he have invented the fourth person to talk in?" Mike via email
"I live five minutes from Trent Bridge, and my lawn would now be fit for play!" radclifferoad on 606
"Did we ever work out if Sam Lyon was a male or female? If female, I suggest a definite Miss January." Chris, South Wales via email
I'm not shy, Chris, I'll happily pose for said calendar. I can't, however, promise you'll be too won over by a pic of me in all my hairy chest-bulging biceps-cast-iron abs-ness. Yes I am a fella, and a damn handsome one too. (Look - it's my commentary, I can describe myself however I wish alright haha...)
"Reference Bob from Den Haag- He 'just noticed' I mean come on you must have worked at that for hours, which suggests maybe Sarah has an admirer, Bob are you flirting with her?" Martin Crozier via email
"As the son of Stephen Gomersall, can I thank him for the kicking I am getting at the hands of friends and colleagues, many of whom submit the drivel he has started a campaign against. Cheers Dad! PS bring us back some rice crackers." Tim Gomersall, London via email
Haha, tremendous work that Tim...
1217: Still no update from the middle, folks, though I have had a right ol' giggle reading your emails. And I feel we all learned something from the compound-noun debate of earlier, who says the BBC is dumbing down? That said, the cricket-ball-in-the-mouth trick of JP's mate below has brought wonder and grimaces in equal measure from us all in the office here. If that doesn't attract the ladies, what will...
"Unusual Sporting Talents: I felt I needed to share that my mate Ted can fit a cricket ball in his mouth. Not a pretty sight, but unquestionably impressive." J-P Burgun via email
"Have just had a wonderful idea for business proposition..."The Ladies of TMS Clockwatch Calendar". You have Angharad, both the Sarah's, Amsterdam Kate etc... I just need help working out who will be Miss January etc.." Jamie Dalton via email
"Just noted that 'Sarah from Canterbury' is an anagram of¿ 'Four Star Nearby Charm'" Bob in Den Haag via email
"As a license payer based in the UK I would prefer my enjoyment of a bit of light hearted banter between friends not to be interrupted my the sort of drivel posted at 11.51. Thanks." Duncan via email
"In response to Jimmy Phillips' comment - as an English teacher and a cricket fan, I think that I may have just found the perfect man in Richard Wilkinson. In fact, if he wants to send in his dating resume I would be very interested!" Emma in Kent via email
"Trying to keep the pedantic discussion alive: Sam, if a super-sopper explodes, clearly it has not been mopping up water. Also, what happened to all the water inside the super-sopper that allegedly exploded? Please clarify!" Giannoulis from Alexandroupolis, Greece via email
Good point, Giannoulis - I didn't witness the event to be fair, but I can only assume it exploded, put itself out immediately, and then traipsed off rather sullenly in Thomas the Tank Engine style...
"You could have had half the sweepstake if you had actually posted my message but you didn't so you can't - the entire £1.50 is mine." Andrew John Dennett via email
"My advice for Richard (below) would be for him to hum a different tune in a different key at the same time. Always works for me." Chris O via email
1151: "Expert comment is great, and enthusiastic amateur emails about the game are fun. But the drivel that you have posted between 1051 and 1100 suggests again that BBC has lost its sense of taste and editorial control. I'm sure your worldwide readers would prefer you to stick to the game." Stephen Gomersall, Tokyo via email
And...whoever had 1148 BST for the first of this sort in the sweepstake, spend your winnings wisely. By the way, Stephen, unfortunately there is still nothing happening out in the middle, it's still wet, and there's no action at TB other than a bunch of what I can only guess are under-age students, who are already feeling the ill-effects of a few laughing juices early morning and are dancing around like Mr Tickles at a late-night rave up... bless 'em.
"Ex-England players are taking over the press box - just to my left we've got Mike Selvey, Angus Fraser, Derek Pringle, Nasser Hussain, Michael Atherton and David Lloyd. Even with half a team, they'd still beat the rest of us in here in a game, although one or two of the amateurs are pretty handy with the willow or leather in hand..." BBC Sport's Paresh Soni at Trent Bridge
1143: "I take it Jimmy Phillips is new to the TMS clockwatch!!" Sarah, Canterbury via email
Whoever had Sarah - from Canterbury - at 1143 BST, you have won the sweepstake and, again, I want half the take. By the by, those sentiments have been echoed, so far, by Angharad in London, Carole in Maidenhead, Helen Thornton, Amanda Irwin and Charlotte Brown. It is time for you fellas to send in your brief dating resumes...
"You mention the amount of officials in the middle debating the pitch/weather etc, I got to work this morning and there were no less than 5 suited gentlemen examining our photocopier, has anyone else ever experienced such a case of staffing overkill??" Toby McCathie via email
"I've very, very recently got married and this morning as I was leaving for work I said to her that I'm off to work now to plough out our living, and here I am in my office just sitting here passing my time reading all this rubbish people send in to TMS - tell me, does this count as already started misleading my wife?" Shafique Cockar, London via email
"Sam, I live in Gloucester (but work in Bristol and I am having lovely showers every day) and we have been without water for 5 days now - the wife is beginning to 'hum' a bit, any advice in what to do with her?" Richard via email
1133: While we wait for play to start, one suggestion has been that we adopt TV's approach to rain delays and scroll old e-commentaries through from past great series... I mean, if the poor weather means TV peeps get to put their feet up, why not us huh? Anyway, word is one of the super-soppers has exploded at TB. Nice...
"If this is a dating service, 'Richard Wilkinson' may be best off keeping his 'compound noun' chat to a minimum. Though having said that - is an on-line cricket scores site necessarily the best place to attract ladies?" Jimmy Phillips via email
"In reply to Neil Peters - I believe that Monty is advertising those new lemon and chilli crisps, if you offend the crisps you offend Monty - is that something you really want to live with????" William Bradley via email
"People who were here yesterday are amazed at the transformation. It looked like the Trent was flowing through the ground so big were the puddles, but the groundstaff have done a terrific job. Steve Birks has said they are looking to get the drainage system Lord's has in the next couple of years." BBC Sport's Paresh Soni at Trent Bridge
"It's not looking that we'll get any play in before lunch, I must say." BBC Sport's Jonathan Agnew on TMS
1125: Still no real news from out in the middle, I'm afraid, where the super-soppers are doing their darned to dry the outfield. The latest chat from Aggers, is that we might not get any play before 1500 BST - man, that's a lot of inane chatter isn't it! In the meantime, check out our funky new picture on the indexes... the graphics whizz-kids have really earned their corn with that one.
"I would like, through the medium that is Live Text, to tell Will Dorkings to get on with some work, stop reading the live texts and that he can't go home at 1600 today. Apparently his mate gets to leave early on a Friday. Well, today I want to stay late to avoid my sister in law et al who are down for the weekend. Dig in Will, we're gonna be here til at least 1900." Steve Gouldsborough via email
Harsh Steve, I must say. And the only reason I've posted this is so your sister in law flavours your dinner tonight with a delicacy called phlegm-from-mouth - enjoy!
"I am an English teacher and it was a nice try at being pedantic, however line-ups is the correct plural as 'line-up' can be viewed as a compound noun, and therefore just like one word being pluralised, by simply placing an 's' on the end. Now where was this dating service?" Richard Wilkinson via email
"With all this climate change bother, I've been thinking about how to reduce my carbon footprint. I've come to the conclusion that smaller shoes are the answer..." Dave Hawkins via email
1104: It's all a bit strange out in the middle at the moment - the sun is shining down, and a mothers' meeting of officials means around three dozen blokes in suits are gassing over, I don't know, what they're going to have for lunch or something. According to my colleague Oliver Brett, the fare at Lord's last time out was the same on all five days - and included a lovely roast of beef that most of the Indian reporters could not eat. How's that for hands-across-the-water hospitality huh?
"Sam, I've forgotten my kit. Do I have to read the commentary in my underpants? This could prove embarrassing as I'm at work." Phillip, Durham via email
Ah, Phillip, the ol' forgot-my-gym-kit routine huh? If I were my old P.E teacher, not only would you be reading this commentary in your pants, but you would receive regular raps on the legs with a bunch of keys and you would have to take a mud-slide down the ramp towards the rugby pitches. In fact, now I think about it, it was a bit quasi-wrong wasn't it... And I thought Dirsy had it bad with his old teachers.
"As an alterntive theme to the usual dating service offered by this excellent forum, please let me introduce a pedant's discussion. The preview for this match says "Both teams have announced unchanged line-ups". Why is this not "lines-up"? It is the line that is plural, not the up, no?" David Russell via email
It's spelled 'alternative' David, but never mind... (Various emails)
1051: The early suspicion appears to be that, the damp outfield aside, this is not a half-bad wicket. Weather-permitting, there should be some runs in this contest and the pitch may not deteriorate too much, leading the experts (well, a couple of my mates over text) to speculate that Micky Vaughan will field first and see if his bowlers can get amongst them early doors. For my part, I can't help thinking India are there for the taking in this series...
"My colleague has just bought a lemon and chilli flavoured bag of crisps. LEMON and CHILI!!!!! What next? Should fruit really appear in bags of crisps. I still long for the Hedgehog flavoured crisps of the 80's." Neil Peters via email
1043: Of course, what all this weather nonsense means is that you folks have the floor for the most part this morning... get your chat coming in, keep it clean, make it funny and let's get the banter train rolling.
1037: Morning people! That's right, I've been around the (sporting) world and I, I, I, I... I'm back (little Lisa Stansfield tribute there for all you late 80s/early 90s kids). The early news is that it's cooking a little bit in Nottingham... and yet play will definitely not start on time. Following the heavy rains of the last couple of days, the outfield is saturated and the umpires, as is their wont, are reluctant to let the delicate flowers that are the England and India cricket teams out on it in case they slip over and graze their knees.
The forecast is pretty good, though, and Simon Taufel and Ian Howell are "hopeful" we'll get some cricket in today. When, though, is anyone's guess. So, with no news on the toss or teams just yet, the latest I can bring you from Trent Bridge is that Mr Taufel has ruined another pair of funky loafers. When will these Aussies learn huh?