FIRST NPOWER TEST, Lord's:
England 298 all out v India 145-4
England produced a disciplined bowling display to reduce India to 145-4 on day two of the first Test at Lord's after their batting collapsed spectacularly.
They lost 6-26 to be all out for 298 after the morning was lost to rain.
James Anderston took the key wickets of Rahul Dravid and Sachin Tendulkar (37), who went past Steve Waugh in becoming the third highest run-scorer in Tests.
Ryan Sidebottom got Dinesh Karthik and Chris Tremlett caught and bowled Wasim Jaffer (58) for his first Test wicket.
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1930: India 145-4
Jimmy A rocks in for the last over of the day and RP Singh plays a lovely-looking cover-drive for two to wrap up proceedings. You'd have to say, this one's big time even-steven at the minute. See you all on the morrow...
1926: India 142-4
Tremmo is getting that steepling bounce now, but he's a smidge too far outside off stump to wreak any particular sort of havoc. Crazy drama off the last ball as RP Singh attempts a kamikaze single before being sent back by Sourav and he just makes his ground. Utter suicide.
1920: India 142-4
RP Singh in as a watchman of the night, and he's nearly cleaned up by a Siders in-dipper. Late drama here my friends, late drama...
1914: WICKET - Jaffer c&b Tremlett 58, India 134-4
Just when you thought it was all over for the day, Tremmo strikes! Jaffs is the man to go, having scored so slowly in the last hour that there were concerns he'd been replaced by a cardboard cut-out. He can't handle the Tremmo bounce and spoons a little push into the air, and the bowler dives forward to snag his first Test scalp.
1910: India 134-3
Misfield from KP allows Ganguly to stroll two. Very, very quiet out there; fingers knackered in commentary chair.
1905: India 132-3
Jaffs has now scored seven runs in the last hour and 10 minutes. Kaboom-er-roo. Lovely over from Tremmo, right on the money outside off and with useful liftio.
1858: India 132-3
I wouldn't call it tepid out there, but it's - ah, what the hell, it's no rollercoaster. The Indian batsman are leaving everything that doesn't have wicket-masher written all over it, and England are content to keep a lid on it.
1854: India 130-3
Siders back for a little joust, as news spreads around the ground that we could play here until 1930. At the current rate, Jaffs will have smashed at least another two by the close.
1849: India 127-3
Whooah - big moment for England as Gangules flashes at a Tremmo lifter and edges it to gully at the speed of sound, only for Ian Bell to fingertip it over an imaginary bar. Anguish in the slip cordon, and Bell trots off for a looksie at his bruised nail.
1845: India 123-3
Jaffs has lobbed his anchor down - he's only scored four runs in the last ten overs. It's like watching a caned Chris Tavare.
From David Piper: "Re quasi-homonyms - for a sporting superstar, Sachin's collection of 10 grey Vauxhall Corsas is rather boring. And I've heard poor old Freddie has a problem with all the fluff on his jumpers - it's a pain getting all that rough lint off."
1840: India 119-3
Vaughan pops a tab of chewing-gum into his mouth as Tremmo continues, getting some semi-useful bounce but straying a fraction down leggo.
1836: India 114-3
At last, the dam breaks, and Ganguly takes a single off Monty.
From Simon in Edinburgh: "I can imagine Michael Vaughan busting a phat quickstep."
1833: India 113-3
More drinks here, after another maiden. Who said rock and roll was dead? Hold on - the techie lads have done the bizzo - we're back up...
From Bill and Sarah's agent: Dear Mr Fordyce, In the past few minutes, I have signed both Bill from Switzerland and Sarah from Canterbury, and am now their official representative. I have already spoken to your rivals at The Daily Telegraph and The Guardian over-by-over text commentary services and they are both keen to tie up exclusivity details with my clients. All future amusing comments from my clients shall be witheld until the BBC deal is on the table."
1826: India 113-3
Pressure on Gangules again, with Tremmo ploughing a skinny furrow outside off and Monts weaving away into the rough. If you think it's gone quiet on the email front, you're not wrong - the inbox has melted, and nothing's getting through. I'll get the techie boys on it.
1820: India 113-3
Lordy - Mont gets one to spit out of the rough, Ganguly has a slash and the edge flies just past Colly's left palm at slip. Vaughan puts his hands on his head.
1816: India 108-3
As you were, as Anderson keeps the pressure on with another maiden and Sourav looks meaningfully at the clouded heavens. 2-23 off 14 for Jim.
1813: India 108-3
Mont serves up a maiden, but Tauf is all over his meter. Gangulers can't wait to get back in the hutch - legitimately, of course.
From Bill's Doctor in Switzerland: "Far be it from me to contravene patient confidentiality, but I would like to tell Sarah from Canterbury that Bill is not in any condition to be having liaisons with anybody. I obviously cannot explain exactly the tests that he has taken in the past, but marriage would be irresponsible, and I was lead to believe that the cow had also had to be destroyed."
1810: India 108-3
Hmm - it's getting gloomy out there - Taufel's twitching at his light meter, and Ganguly's giving him patrician nods of encouragement.
1802: India 106-3
Nice from Monty at the other end, keeping Jaffs on strike and new-man Ganguly watching.
From the BBC's Oliver Brett at Lord's: "Crazy scenes in the media centre earlier. Sir Ian Botham was showing Boris Becker how to bowl spin ('But how can you do it with just two fingers?' asked an incredulous Boris)."
1757: WICKET - Tendulkar lbw Anderson 37, India 106-3
What sort of idiot said Anderson looked puffed? He fires one straight past Sachin's prod, screams an appeal and Buck has no doubt. Massive wicket for England - Anderson sinks to his knees with joy; Tendulkar stares at the sky in despair.
1755: India 106-2
Jaffer goes to his 50 off exactly 100 balls, edging Monts past the grasping hands of first slip. Wonder how Matt P is feeling now, having spilled the fella on a quacker.
1751: India 98-2
Jim looks puffed. He plonks one on middle-and-leg, and Sachin breezes it through midwicket to move to 34, his highest ever score at Lord's. India exactly 200 runs behind.
1747: India 93-2
At last - it's Monty O'Clock! Sachin on strike, the man who became Monty's first Test victim the winter before last, and he lands a pad down the track and paddles a tweaker down to fine leg for four. The scent of slight disappointment fills the air.
From Inspector Fuzzflic, Interpol, Brussels: "On behalf on Interpol, I would like to ask if you could publicise our attempts to apprehend a man known as 'Swiss Bill'. He is wanted in several countries to answer charges of bigamy, fraudulently obtaining satellite communication devices and attempting to abduct a cow. If any readers can shed any light on Swiss Bill's whereabouts or current activities, please contact Interpol without delay."
1743: India 89-2
Jimmy A careers in, and Jaffer goes to 43 with a casual drive for two. Monty and Siders converge on the ball, neither moving with much grace. Not a team of dancefloor heroes, this England XI - can't imagine Straussy busting anything too phat. It'd all be down to KP, no?
1739: India 80-2
Colly beavers away, and Jaffer has a wild slash which flies just over Strauss's clutching fingers at first slip. Nicely balanced, this match, albeit with limited fireworks.
1732: India 76-2
Beverage break here, and all goes quiet save for the sound of frenzied glugging.
From Bill's mum in Switzerland: "Now listen here, my Bill's never had a girlfriend. All this is a bit of a shock to me, all this galivanting and ideas of marriage and the like. If he must go out, I want him back and in bed by 10.30pm at the latest."
1727: India 76-2
Colly toils away busily, and Jaffs pops him to deep fine leg with a casual flick. Tremmo slides round on his elongated derriere, boots the ball with a size 14 and then watches it cross the ropes anyway, 10 yards to his right. Not a natural mover, that boy - he'd stick out like a giant sore thumb on the dancefloor.
1723: India 72-2
Tremmo looks weary - like a careless fisherman, he's lost his line. Monty's stopped warming up, alas.
1718: India 67-2
Yup - the ever-eager Colly is thrown the ball, and Jaffer kindly leaves his wobbler alone. Tremmo then goes too short again, and Tendulkar steers him through gully for a zero-effort four.
From Sarah in Canterbury: "Bill, the ploys some sad people will use to thwart the path of true love! Spurn the inbred sheep-lover from NZ, and dismiss as slander, indeed a blatant attempt to appear on this clockwatch, the outrageous musings of Paul, who is regularly to be seen wafting 'Judgement Day Is Upon Us' signs in the middle of Canterbury."
1713: India 62-2
Tremmo grows weary, and a short one is slapped away by Tendulkar for the wee man's best shot of the day. Hold on - Colly's warming up too - ou est Le Monte?
From Dominic Woodford: "For Sarah in Canterbury, more bad news I'm afraid. The cheque that Bill in Switzerland used to buy the satellite TV system has bounced, and we've been forced to take back the equipment."
1709: India 58-2
Jaffs is enjoying himself - he can handle all the swing Siders can throw at him, and picks up a pair of comfy twos. Is that Mont having a pre-joust stretch down there?
From Sarah in Canterbury: "My character is being besmirched! All these lies and petty jealousies do their authors no favours - Bill, you must trust in our union..."
1704: India 54-2
Nice again from Tremmo - he's now conceded a mere seven runs from his five overs, and Sachin slashes and misses again. Tremmo's got a run-up so short that it would embarrass a trundler like Mark Ealham, but it seems to be working for him at the mo. He attempts a little end-of-follow-through stare, but Sachin's taken a leg-stretcher towards square leg.
1700: India 53-2
He'll probably go on to make 402 n.o. after this, but Sachin's looking all at sea here - he gets a thick edge that flies in the air past gully, and then survives a deafening lbw appeal on the generosity of Taufel alone.
From Simon English: "Now Zaheer - I think you'll find that I Kahn make you all eat Kumble pie when get my quasi-homonyms out."
1652: India 46-2
Jaffer's looking useful here - he waits with the patience of a Buddhist snail for Siders' swing, and then creams it to the cover boundary. Sachin's not looking quite so settled - that Key statistic is clearly monkeying with his mind.
From Paul, Canterbury Correctional Facility: "Sarah, open the door. One of the other 'guests' said that you might be using the computer to get up to your old tricks again and now I look on here and you have this poor man Bill wrapped around your little finger! I thought that after John from Belgium, Peter from Denmark and Russell from Austria that you really wanted to end the cycle? How about you open the door and we can get you some help?"
1648: India 42-2
Lovely timed tickle from Tendulkar for four to deep square leg, and that takes him past Steve Waugh in the list of all-time Test run-scorers. Just AB and Lara to catch now.
From Anna in Christchurch: "Stop using Sarah from Canterbury, I am far fitter than she and I know more about cricket. I'm related to Martin Crowe, but then again, we are all cousins in New Zealand."
1642: India 37-2
Super pressure from Siders, stitching Jaffer up with a tantalising maiden comprising 4/6 in-swing and 2/6 leave-alone. Or 2/3 in-swing and 1/3 leave-alone, for the mathematical pedants among you.
From Steve Barrett: "I think it¿s time we had pictures of Bill and Sarah up here so they can finally see what each other looks like. My bets are on a match of Adonis and Venus (not the armless one) and their offspring will probably become a new master race of cricketing celebrities."
1639: India 37-2
Tremmo continues from the Pavilion End, and each delivery is greeted with such awestruck approval from 'keeper and slips that you'd think the big man had just invented the everlasting gobstopper. Big appeal for an lbw against Tendulkar, but Bucks spotted the inside edge and the diminutive legend survives.
From Clive in Plymouth: "Bill - don't get your hopes up. I have a sneaky feeling that Sarah from Canterbury used to be known as Malcolm from Truro who had the op, changed his name to Sarah and was last heard of living in Kent. Save the airfare, your chocolate, your Heidi and your dignity man."
1635: India 37-2
Welcome back, as they say on commercial channels after four minutes of frenzied salesmanship. Siders is back for a in-wobbling joust at Sachin, and it's all tighter than the JBs out there.
From Julian Wheatley: "Re Jaffer - Jaffa: don't know about you, but Karthik makes me think of someone with a lisp suffering motion nausea."
1611: India 36-2
After a brief diversion in the commentary box about Tendulkar's use of old-skool pads with buckles, rather than velcro straps, Jimmy serves up the final over before tea. Just one off it, and it's cucumber and crusts-off time.
From Sarah in Canterbury: "Oh, Bill! I knew a love like ours would find a way! I accept your explanation - whilst I have no beef personally with Heidi and her cow, for the sake of our marriage I must ask that you henceforth leave her toblerones be."
1607: India 35-2
It is - or rather, it was. Tremmo's first ball in Test cricket is a turgid away-bustler, but from then on it's all good chat from the Hampshire beanpole - five testers moving away outside off. Applause from the close-in fielders and a chorus of upbeat chirp from the slips.
1602: India 35-2
Make that three slips, plus two men on the drive on the off-side and one man straight and short on leg. Jimmy A ignores them all and serves up a bouncer which Sachin sways clear of. Is that Tremmo loosening up down there?
1555: India 31-2
In strides Tendulkar, burdened with the shameful knowledge that his Test average at Lords is 65 runs lower than ruddy-cheeked pie-fan Rob Key. Two slips, a gully, a man in short and straight on both sides of the wicket. Let's see what happens.
From Andrew Bonsor: "Congratulations on restraining yourself for a whole 42 minutes before using 'Jaffer' and 'Jaffa' in the same sentence. What is the most obvious quasi-homonym we can think of for each player in the game? (eg 'is Panesar a panacaea?') Looking forward to what people come up with for Sidebottom."
1550: WICKET - Dravid c Prior b Anderson 2, India 27-2
I tell you what... Jimmy produces the ball of the match to see off the skipper, flinging it in full at pace and then nibbling it away at the very last moment to tickle the edge. We've got a match on here...
1546: India 26-1
*** Meaningless/dull stat alert **** Siders tears in to produce the 100,000 delivery bowled by England to India in Test matches. It's a dot. Dravid gets off the quacker with a jab to square leg.
From Bill in Switzerland: "Dear Sarah from Canterbury, Rick in Switzerland (see yesterday's TMS), Rudi in Switzerland and the cricketing world at large. Don't believe a word Heidi says. There was never anything between us. One night we met in a milk bar and she invited me back to her place to look at her Toblerones, that was all, I swear as God is my umpire. Rudi, keep the cow (and Heidi), I wish you luck with her/them. I only have eyes for Sarah from Canterbury (well, I haven't actually seen her yet, but you know what I mean).?"
1541: India 22-1
The ball's swinging like Cynthia Payne out there - Jimmy booms one down from middle past leg and on interrupted to the fine leg boundary, before Jaffer gets an absolute jaffa that comes in to say hello before darting off while thumbing its nose.
From Samantha Scott: "How annoying would it be if one had tickets but decided not to go to Lord's as there was obviously going to be no play. Instead one went to work instead and is sitting in rainy Oxford amending documents. Who would be so short sighted? Who indeed..."
1533: WICKET - Karthik lbw Sidebottom 5, India 18-1
He's had a few narrow squeaks, but he'll squeak no more now - Siders bends one into Karthik's skinny legs, there's a roared appeal and Taufel nods his assent. England have a toe-hold - only Dravid, Tendulkar, Ganguly, Laxman etc to come...
From Henry in Reading: "Getting quite confused here. I am swapping between the cricket and golf coverage, and when they mention Monty rolling in a birdie putt I just get an image of the bearded legend going off on one of his celebratory run/jumps around the green high fiving his caddie and all the spectators."
1528: India 15-0
Jaffs' eye is almost in - he steps into a fullish one from Siders and drives delightfully inside mid-off for four, and then clips through midwicket for four more. Siders grimaces, Monts trots off with childish enthusiasm to fetch the ball.
1522: India 4-0
Useful swing bowling, this, from Jimmy and Siders - Jaffs and Karthik are wafting hopefully but making contact only with sticky air. Allan Donald watches on from the balcony, impassive behind his shades. David Graveney, his face the colour of Clough '93, looks like he's about to start sobbing.
1516: India 4-0
Jaffs jabs down an an inswinger to steal a two, and then misses a joy of an outswinger from Jimmy A. Bright sunshine in the middle, and bums are moving closer to the edges of seats all around the ground.
From Nick Bull: "Just got back from an hour-long pub lunch. There had been no play before I left the office. Have I missed anything?"
1512: India 2-0
Aiy-yai-yai - Siders finds the edge of Karthik's bat, only for Prior to go one-handed at a two-hander of a catch to his right and shell it. Quelle horreur - that really should have been pouched, and Prior makes a big deal about adjusting his glove to avoid having to make eye-contact with the fuming bowler.
1508: India 0-0
Shakier from Jimmy A, flinging one towards first slip with his first joust before tightening up and having Jaffer leaving well alone. The ball's wobbling around nicely - there's the smell of wickets in the air.
1503: India 0-0
Super first over from Siders, dipping them in to a hopping Karthik. Siders looks right up for this - he's snarling like a stroppy Rottweiller. In a Sideshow Bob wig.
Right - England take the field, surprisingly without being pelted with sandwiches by the disconsolate crowd. Siders to open out.
From Rudi to Bill in Switzerland: "So, here is Rudi who has had a secret love for Heidi since I helped her father bring down the cow from the meadow. I wish her to be mine; I am buying the geraniums for our window boxes and a licence for her bicycle. Herr Bill, I will yodel at your wedding if you will be leaving my Heidi for the fraulein in the English Canterbury. I wish you good sunshine for this ball and bat play you like so well."
1449: WICKET - Bell b Zaheer 20, Eng 298 all out
Wallop - it's all over, less than an hour after we resumed, as Bell jabs down late on a wide one and plays on via his right thigh. Three scalps for Sree, two for Zaheer, RP and Kumble, and England's last six wickets went down for a mere 30 runs.
From Gareth Evans: "I sometimes wonder when watching cricket what it must be like to be Australian - ie. not absolutely terrified at all times that your team is going to collapse faster than Lindsay Lohan after a night on the tiles. Must be strange."
1445: WICKET - Panesar lbw Santh 0, Eng 297-9
Uh-oh - Mont misses a straight one from the wailing Sree, and Bucknor ups his index digit once again. It's a classic England collapse, with only Jimmy Anderson left in the locker. And he's as useful with a bat as a blindfolded kipper.
1441: Eng 296-8
He gets the chance, too, as Bell changes his mind and takes a single off the first ball of Zaheer's over. Mont stays in the sensible zone, fending off the ones pitched up and squatting under a useful bouncer. Roars of approval from the shell-shocked crowd.
1437: Eng 295-8
Bell clips through midwicket for a scurried three, having kept Mont off the strike at the start of the over. Mont looks more than up for this, to be fair - he'd like to throw himself into the breach and start laying about him with that whomping willow of his.
1431: Eng 292-8
Bell leans into a full-pitcher from Zaheer and creams it through cover for four. Montyzuma's joined him, and the adrenaline's clearly racing. Dismal faces on the England balcony - heads in hands, hands on mouths, mouths on hands... hold on...
1422: WICKET - Tremlett lbw Santh 0, Eng 287-8
Sree's head may explode from his shoulders with sheer joy - Tremmo's debut knock lasts no more than two balls, as he misses a straight one and is as plumb as plumb can be. What's going on?
1422: WICKET - Prior lbw Santh 1, Eng 287-7
It's the apocalypse for England, anyway - Sree sizzles one inside Prior's panicked push, there's a huge appeal and Umpo Bucks raises his knobbly digit. That looked like it took an inside edge, while Hawk-Eye reckons it was going over the top of leg - but Sree doesn't care. He's standing halfway down the pitch, pumping his arm furiously like Dominic Cork on fast-forward.
1419: Eng 287-6
Scorching sunshine now at Lord's as Matt Prior bristles out to the crease. It's less than two hours since the apocalypse seemed to have arrived, heralded by clouds as black as coal and rain-drops the size of mangoes - and now the sky is the colour of a Coventry home shirt.
1415: WICKET - Pietersen c Dhoni b Zaheer 37, Eng 286-6
He's out this time... The very next over, Zaheer runs one across Pietersen again and this time it does carry, straight into Dhoni's mitts. Stunned silence at Lord's, and England are teetering.
1412: Eng 286-5
Still enormous buzzage around the ground after that in-out-in-out-in KP madness. It was only the sight of his team-mates on the balcony frantically waving him back that alerted Pietersen to the fact that he might have another life. Bell top-edges a dodgy hook for six.
1407: England 276-5
Remarkable scenes at Lord's. KP edges one from Zaheer Khan and Dhoni goes up behind the stumps as KP begins the long walk off. But the umpires refer the decision and, with KP halfway to the pavilion, replays clearly show the ball bounced into Doni's gloves. KP walks back and he and England are reprieved. Phewio...
1400: WICKET Sidebottom b RP Singh 1, Eng 272-5
RP takes the new cherry halfway through the over and boom, second ball up he cleans up Siders' leg stump - clearly the Notts man was expecting some swing, but it's gone straight through the gate. Ian Bell strides out and gloriously whacks his first ball down the ground for four.
1356: England 272-4
KP in watchful mood to Anil Kumble, getting the first run of the day with a nudge into the offside. Siders gets off the mark with a clip to mid-wicket before KP drives stylishly for two more.
1351: England 268-4
We start a minute before schedule in the bright Lord's sunshine and RP Singh immediately swings a couple of crackers away from nightwatchman Siders.
From Andy in Tooting: "I'm sitting in an office where we have been told to cover everything up as the roof is leaking and water is coming in through the main door. I never knew Tooting had a monsoon season until now."
From Dave Williams: "Was Aggers really 'literally under water'? How long can he hold his breath?"
1343: Has a drainage system ever been in the running for champagne moment at a Test match before?
From BBC Sport's disbelieving Oliver Brett at Lord's: "At around 1230 BST, persistent morning drizzle was replaced by 20 minutes of unbelievably heavy rain. Surface water, about an inch deep at the Tavern Stand, rapidly spread across most areas of the outfield.
"But the state-of-the-art drainage system at Lord's, and a dramatic improvement in the weather, led to the announcement that few could comprehend - a start scheduled for 1350."
From BBC Sport's Jonathan Agnew on TMS: "We were literally under water, but it's just gone. Everyone was stunned by this announcement, it took everyone by surprise. If that doesn't make the MCC's investment in a new drainage system worthwhile, nothing will."
1310: Well, well, well, would you credit it? Having all but written off the day, the good old British weather has wrong-footed us again. Amazingly, an hour after it seemed like Armageddon out there, the sun is shining brightly and we'll have play again in 40 minutes. I'm not kidding.