THIRD NPOWER TEST, OLD TRAFFORD:
England 296-7 v West Indies (stumps)
England failed to make the most of two good partnerships against a battling West Indies side in the third Test.
Alastair Cook (60) and skipper Michael Vaughan (41) shared 104 but the hosts slipped from 112-1 to 166-5 after some poor shot selection at Old Trafford.
Ian Bell (77no) and Matt Prior (40) put on 98 before Prior holed out late in the day and Fidel Edwards bowled Liam Plunkett as England closed on 296-7.
The Windies were erratic but will be satisfied after losing the toss.
ALL THE ACTION AS IT HAPPENED (ALL TIMES BST)
e-mail email@example.com (with 'For Ben Dirs' in the subject) or use 606
ENGLAND FIRST INNINGS
"Is Becks going to be best man for Gary Neville's wedding? If so, how would the speech go? ;)"
Ham, Essex, in the TMS Inbox
1829 - 296-7 Bell pushes a single into the off-side. Edwards has really got his dander up here, crashing Harmison on the lid with a pearler of a bouncer. Harmison, I sincerely hope, will keep that in the memory bank for later - one leg-bye. Bell plays back to the last ball of the day and that's all folks - even stevens, says Sir Viv, and how could anyone disagree. Thanks for the company and hope to see you all tomorrow.
1825 - Eng 290-7 Belly grabs a couple of singles and Harmison is off the mark with a mis-timed pull. Looks like we've got one last over before stumps.
Re weddings - John Terry is getting hitched the day before the other three - in part so Stevie G can attend! How thoughtful!"
Lucy in the TMS inbox
1819 - WICKET Plunkett b Edwards 13, Eng 285-7 Bit of dog from Edwards, getting one to rear up at Plunkett and the ball ricocheting off the shoulder of the bat and racing away for four. Plunkers shies away from another nasty bouncer before his middle stump is ripped out by a ball of fuller length - the old one-two from Edwards and that's classic fast bowling. Sir Vivian is literally purring in the TMS commentary box and Harmison gets one on the shoulder after his entrance.
"Is there any better opening best man's Speech line than: 'It's been an emotional day...even the cake's in tiers...'?"
Tom in the TMS inbox
1814 - Eng 280-6 Taylor serves up a huge, swinging wide before Bell reaches for one and slaps the ball down to third-man. That was a rubbish over with the new cherry from Taylor, and Plunkers swings his final ball away for four. Can Edwards provide some more devil?
"Not sure which wedding I would go to if invited to all three (see 1757), but which do you think will be the tackiest event? Will any of them reach the giddy (gaudy?) heights of the lovely Beckham thrones?"
Carole, Maidenhead, in the TMS inbox
1807 - Eng 274-6 Bravo digs one in and umpire Bowden signals wide before Bell picks up one with a tuck into the off-side. Plunkett plays an authentic stroke, a pull all along the ground for two. It's new ball time with 20 minutes left to play.
1804 - Eng 270-6 Bell picks up one run from Sammy's over and, despite the sense it's meandering slightly out there, there's plenty of cricket left tonight - a couple of wickets, and you'd have to say it's been the tourists' day.
"Carrick, Gerrard and Neville getting married? For a moment, I thought you meant they were getting married to each other! Could you imagine the media outcry?"
Chloe, St Helens, in the TMS inbox
1759 - Eng 269-6 Plunkers picks up a couple with an iffy pull shot and Bell saunters down the pitch and says "stop acting the goat and dust off the forward defensive", or something like that. That's 80 overs up...but West Indies aren't taking the new conker just yet...Sammy to continue...
1757 - 267-6 Plunkett is off the mark with a nurdled single. I have just heard that Michael Carrick, Steven Gerrard and Gary Neville are all getting married on 16 June. If you were invited to all three, which one would you go to? I think I'd find out if Wayne Rooney's female cousins were invited to any and make my choice accordingly.
1749 - WICKET Prior c Morton b Bravo 40, Eng 264-6 Bravo drops short and Prior carves him through point. Not totally in control, but four for it. But Prior's out next ball, scooping a shortish one down Morton's neck at deep square-leg. Plunkett is the new batsman - he got a few runs at Headingley. Bell pulls uppishly for a couple. The Windies will fancy running through this England tail.
1746 - Eng 260-5 Hello again...Bell slices a drive and picks up one and Prior repeats the stroke - just two from Sammy's over.
"All those great things West Indies achieved after lunch are being undone by this partnership..."
Sir Viv Richards on TMS
1742 - Eng 258-5 A really delicate little steer from Bell down to third man brings the Warwickshire right-hander four more and this partnership is becoming a big one. Prior hits a terrific pull for four more and suddenly there's a late evening surge to wake everyone up. I'm handing back to Ben in a second...
1738 - Eng 247-5 Ah, here's an over with a bit of action in it. First Bell hits a sumptuous drive past mid-on for four, and then Sammy misses a tough chance to catch Prior from another fierce drive. The deflection wrong-foots mid-off and England grab a couple more.
1734 - Eng 240-5 Bravo plugging away gamely here but there ain't much going on. It's times like these when you wonder if an exclusive diet of right-arm fast-medium is the way to go for an international attack. That said, the Windies bowled well between lunch and tea.
1729 - Eng 238-5 Thanks Ben... Blimey, this seat's HOT... Ben is clearly a terrific heat generator. Perhaps I can use him to plug all the draughty bits of my Victorian terraced house come January. Bell somehow reaches a ball from Sammy that would have been a wide, but he can't pierce the field and that's another maiden.
1724 - Eng 238-5 Collymore gets one to rear up at Bell and catch the batsman on the hop. Belly eases Collymore's final delivery through the covers for one. I'm off to rest my eyes for 10 minutes...here's Oliver Brett...
"There is only one line from Sid that really counts about Eric Bristow: 'When Alexander of Macedonia was 33 he cried salt tears because there were no more worlds to conquer - Bristow is only 27'."
Dan, Surrey, in the TMS Inbox
1719 - Eng 237-5 Umpire Dar signals wide against Edwards, adjudging the bumper was too high, and that's Bell's fifty, chopping a thick outside edge down to the third-man boundary. Hicky missed out on his 40,000th run today - out for 15 in Worcestershire's knock of 701-6, so he still needs 49. Flagging now folks, really flagging...
1714 - 231-5 Quite simply magnificent from Bell, timing Collymore straight down the ground for four. Bravo mis-fields at mid-wicket and allows Bell another quick single. The Warwickshire man is now on 49.
"I've not been called a yob before (see BW, below) and he has missed the point of what he refers to as 'inane remarks'. When one has to listen to the radio or read the live text instead of watching the game, it makes one feel as though one has a nation of friends and we are chatting through the game just as if we were sitting at Old Trafford today."
Lynette, Lincs, in the TMS inbox
1709 - 226-5 That's Edwards' 10th no-ball - extra net for Fidel tonight. Decent leg-before appeal from Edwards against Prior, but that was going over the top. Bell is lucky to get away with a top-edged hook, the ball dropping well short of Collymore coming in from long-leg.
"My favourite Sid Waddell line is the priceless, 'I don't know what he said, but he said it in Belgian'."
Kathryn Burgess in the TMS inbox
1702 - 223-5 Prior picks up one with a clip through mid-wicket before Belly shows good improvisation, waiting on a Collymore delivery and dabbing the ball through third-man for four. That's drinks.
"The best comment about Steve Beaton surely has to be from Tony Green when he said that he would 'not be out of place on the catwalks of Paris or Milan'."
Nick, London, in the TMS inbox
1657 - 216-5 Edwards is back on and he serves up his ninth no-ball before Bell scoops a short one over deep point for four. Lovely on-drive from Bell and a good save from Taylor. A hint of reverse swing there for Fidel, fifty partnership for England. As always, a big thank you to everyone who's stuck with us today - apologies that not all emails get published. Most get read and most make me chuckle...
"My favourite Sid Waddell line - 'Unbelievable Bristow, incredible Bristow, aaahhhh Bristow' - always makes me smile!"
Geoff McCormick in the TMS inbox
1653 - 209-5 Just one single from Prior and Collymore is really keeping things tight here, which might explain why the Manchester natives are getting a little bit restless. Bearders on TMS has just informed us that the biggest victory in first-class cricket was by an innings and 800-odd runs. Extraordinary. In Pakistan, apparently.
1648 - Eng 205-5 Buffet ball from Bravo and Belly fills his boots, larruping the bowler through cover for four. We have a conga! Actually, there's about 10 of them. Lovely stuff.
"Still female, still here, still my birthday. Still not in pub. Sob."
Liz, still in Dublin, in the TMS inbox
1645 - Eng 201-5 The terps have just started kicking in and it's all gone raucous at Old Trafford - there's people Mexican waving and lobbing rubbish all over the place. Collymore serves up six dot balls before sprinting from the pitch.
"Steve Beaton was the subject of one of the best one-liners in sports commentary history when the legendary Sid Waddell said: 'Steve Beaton, he's not Adonis, he's THE donis'. Brilliant!"
Hungover Welshy, Glasgow, in the TMS Inbox
1640 - Eng 201-5 Are all you stooodents still doing exams? The women emails have tailed off a bit as well. Prior gropes at a wide one and the ball flies through the slip cordon. Morton squirms and claps his hands on his head as if he's just noticed his mum dancing to Black Lace at a family wedding. Horrible. That's the England 200.
1633 - Eng 196-5 Bell gets in on the act, pushing Collymore through wide mid-off for four to move to 27. Not quite the glamour VIPs of Lord's - there we had Kirsten Dunst and Johnny Borrell, here we have a squinting Kenneth Clarke. Mind you, Kenneth is better dressed.
"Please inform Bobby in Richmond that, due to his advancing years and a long overdue haircut, Steve Beaton is no longer the 'Bronze Adonis of Darts' - he is now 'Magnum P.I.'."
Phil Good in the TMS inbox
1630 - Eng 192-5 That's a huckleberry of a drive from Prior, punching Bravo through extra-cover for four. The pendulum swinging back England's way now. That's another peach from Prior, lacing Bravo through the off-side and the ball outpacing Taylor to the boundary rope. The Sussex gloveman looks in prime form.
1624 - Eng 182-5 Wide from Collymore and Bell reaches for it and chops him through point for four. Looking a little bit murky up in Old Trafford, but no weather knocking about as yet.
1621 - 178-5 Bell picks up a single. Beast of a ball from Taylor, and Prior gets himself into a right old pickle, thinking about the pull before thinking better of it.
"I always loved the placard at the Lakeside some years back with the message: 'Steve The Adonis will not be Beaton'. You simply cannot buy genius like that and it must have been heartbreaking to see him crash out in the opening round. Was always a Colin Monk fan myself, until I got fed up of seeing his son bawling his eyes out every time he lost."
Adam Price in the TMS inbox
1616 - Eng 177-5 Bravo gets one to nibble back off the seam and just miss his unmentionables by a coat of varnish. Maiden over, and a good comeback from Bravo after being larruped for two fours in his previous over.
1611 - Eng 177-5 Bell shows Taylor the maker's name and Collymore fields like a granny on roller skates at mid-on to allow the Warwickshire batsman two.
"I've never heard of Steve Beaton. I know who Andy Fordham is though, so looked up his website. Bit disappointed really."
Fiona, London, in the TMS inbox
1608 - Eng 175-5 Prior slices a drive for four and moves to five. A single for Bell before Prior shows some class, timing Taylor through mid-on for another boundary.
1602: Players are back out after tea and it looks like we'll have two and a half hours until stumps. Eddie Holmes has put two and two together and now reckons I look like this. Big Man, give me strength. Prior turns Taylor to leg for one.
"Felix, your Danish Kaneria observation (see below) was inspired. The co-pilot was called Nien Nunb and was from the planet Sullust - probably somewhere near Croydon."
Jason, Perth, Aus, in the TMS inbox
"With reference to what Mr Ben Dirs looks like, I can assure all of you that he actually bears a striking resemblance to the 1980's Coventry City footballer Brian Kilcline (see attached). His hairdresser is on a significant retainer."
Luke Jarvis in the TMS inbox
1539 - Eng 167-5 Bravo sends down a teaser and Prior has a blacksmith's smite at it - not clever. And that's tea - see you in 20 minutes.
1535 - WICKET - Collingwood lbw b Taylor 10, Eng 166-5
It's a trap! Colly's gone and the tourists have the initiative. Umpire Dar was in no doubt about that and Hawkeye reckons it was hitting the top of leg. Prior is next in and this boy's made a pretty decent start to his England career. Worcestershire have declared on 701-6 against Surrey - put that in your castanets and smoke it, Ramps. Another brute of a delivery from Taylor and Prior doesn't like that. A news snap! Paris Hilton has been released!
"I really want a chip butty now but the canteen's closed. I will console myself with the thought of Chris Lewis shouting an appeal with the immortal: 'It's a trap!'."
Mart, Hereford, in the TMS Inbox
1530 - Eng 166-4 Bravo is on and Bell leans on one and the ball disappears through extra-cover for four. Aggers and Sir Vivian are on about the Carib Girls who dance about in bikinis in Trinidad - I swear Sir Vivian just made that noise that Sid James used to make when Babs Windsor's skirt rode up. Saucy. England digging in before tea.
"Please inform Derek Vandross (and Christine Dirs) that the Adonis' FULL title is: 'Six foot four, rock steady at the oche, the Bronze Adonis of Darts...Stevie Beaton!'."
Bobby, Richmond, in the TMS inbox
1520 - Eng 160-4 Genuine pace from Edwards and that has Collingwood jerking about his crease. This is old-school Windies, Edwards serving up an absolute brute that has Colly hopping and rams into the handle of his bat. Another absolute beauty from Edwards, Collingwood turning his head away and fending the ball off under his chin. Windies aggression - magnificent to see.
1515 - Eng 160-4 Taylor is back into the attack and his first effort is a massive no-ball. Colly is very nearly run out - Bell dropping the ball to leg, legging it, and leaving his partner in all sorts of trouble. The Durham man would have been out by miles had Taylor's throw hit.
"If Chris Lewis looks like Admiral Ackbar, then Danish Kaneria looks like Lando's Millenium Falcon co-pilot in 'Return Of The Jedi'."
Felix Rigg in the TMS inbox
1510 - Eng 158-4 Edwards persisting with the bumper against Bell, but the Warwickshire man played that one pretty well, dropping his hands and flexing the knees. Crackerjack stroke from Bell, leaning into an Edwards delivery and the ball disappearing over the wide long-off rope. Bit more fluidity now from England, and they're still going at just over three an over.
"Mick (see below), I've just shaken my keyboard upside down and am now about to start my second lunch."
Peter Williams, Leeds, in the TMS inbox
1504 - Eng 150-4 Sarah from Bucks reckons I might look like that bloke off the BT adverts (Kris Marshall). Stick him and Fordham together and you'd get... I don't know what you'd get - any ideas? Sammy drops short and Collingwood is onto it as quick as a flash, slapping the ball through widish mid-on for four - that's England's 150.
"I had lunch today with a Dutchman - all he had was three sandwiches filled with chocolate sprinkles! I had a chip butty which he was horrified by! The cheek!"
Tom, Amsterdam, in the TMS inbox
1459 - Eng 146-4 A run! Bell is off the mark from his 15th delivery, controlling an outside edge down to the third-man fence. Edwards gets the hump after Bell pulls away and forces the bowler to abort his run-up twice. A couple of no-balls from Edwards before Belly picks up another couple with a nurdle to leg.
1455 - Eng 138-4 That's Sammy's fourth maiden on the trot and England aren't just becalmed, they're in danger of springing a leak and sinking into the Old Trafford turf.
"Please inform Christine Dirs (see below) that if you must use the great man's name in vain he should at least be given his full title: any darts fan worth their salt knows it is 'Steve 'Adonis' Beaton - Sex on Legs from Leamington Spa'."
Derek Vandross in the TMS inbox
1452 - Eng 138-4 Bell is England's number six and he gets a bit of chin music from Edwards, but plays it well. More mongrel from Edwards and this one has Belly hopping slightly. A decent line this from Edwards and perhaps for the first time in the series you get the impression that West Indies are on top in the field. England are crawling along like a drunk at a taxi rank at the moment.
1445 - Eng 137-4 Sammy gets one to shape away from Colly - Sammy has a similar action to Chris Lewis, the 90s England all-rounder. I always thought Chris Lewis looked a bit like Admiral Ackbar, commander of the rebel fleet. That's a maiden and England have pretty much ground to a halt.
"Mick (see below) - I just tried shaking my keyboard upside down and I've ended up with enough dead skin and hair to make a new person."
Darren Jalland, Stirling, in the TMS Inbox
"The oohs and aahs are also echoing around my office as me and my female co-workers are imagining the Big Man in action."
Kate (not the one from Amsterdam) in the TMS inbox
1437 - Eng 137-4 Edwards is back into the attack and Collingwood is off the mark with a little chop through third-man for four. Somerset are 607-2 - 'Banger' Trescothick bagged 182. Stuart Broad of Leicestershire has 0-126 off 20 overs and Langer hasn't even batted yet...poor mite...drinks...
"Is Morph padded up yet?"
Andy, Leeds, in the TMS inbox
1432 - WICKET - Cook c Bravo b Sammy 60, Eng 132-4 Strange player Cooky - one minute he's timing the ball all over the park and the next...that's him gone, leaning back and carving Sammy to Bravo at backward point. Cook stood his ground for a moment, asking umpire Dar whether the ball had carried, and indeed it had. Sammy is the first St Lucian to take a Test wicket - "put that on the ticker" says the man to my left. "Never let him anywhere near the ticker" says the man behind me. Windies slap bang back in this contest.
1428 - Eng 132-3 Collingwood is the next man in and Collymore tries him out with a couple of bumpers. Not much pace, however, and the Durham man ducks underneath like someone looking under a car for their ball.
"All of a sudden, Collymore, having had a bit of success getting Pietersen out, thinks he's Dennis Lillee..."
Jonathan Agnew on TMS
1426 - Eng 132-3 Sammy slices Cook in half and the Essex opener is scratching about a bit against the debutant, who has now bowled eight overs for 17 runs.
"I completely forgot that I made sanwiches for lunch today and bought a pasty instead."
TeeJay in the TMS inbox
1419 - WICKET - Pietersen c Bravo b Collymore 9, Eng 132-3
Bit of semaphore from Pietersen and, hey presto, someone closes the doors up on the balcony. KP picks up a couple with a push into the covers - an overthrow in there from Bravo, bit ragged. Collymore strays onto Pietersen's pads and KP pings him through mid-wicket for two more. But Pietersen's gone! Collymore gets one to rear up at him, KP has a go at it and only manages to spoon it down Bravo's neck at deep square-leg. Massive wicket for the tourists, and they've clambered their way back into this match.
1415 - Eng 128-2 Sammy plops one in short and Cookie (sorry, Paul Cook) rocks back and rat-a-tats him away for four through the on-side.
"Speaking as a well-rounded and educated cricketing yob, I shall be sure to pass this inane chat along to my hooded associates next time we are discussing the cricket between sips of White Lightening and sniffing a gas oven. Many thanks."
Graham Hansen, trainee solicitor, in the TMS inbox
1411 - Eng 123-2 Collymore bowling wider from the crease now and umpire Dar has a little word in his ear about his follow-through. The Windies could do without him getting any warnings, he's holding his side together at the moment.
"Hey Becca (see below), if you're bored at work, try turning your keyboard upside down and shaking it and seeing what comes out. Great office entertainment! If there's anything else you need, just get in touch."
Mick in the TMS inbox
1407 - Eng 122-2 Cook balloons a leading edge straight back past Sammy - not sure what Chef was up to there. Oohs and aahs echo around my office as Sammy gets one to jag back and miss KP's off-stump by a coat of varnish. Nibbling about a bit out there, Pietersen will have to be watchful.
1405 - Eng 121-2 Here's KP, and he shoulders arms to the first couple of deliveries from Collymore. He soon opens his shoulders, however, reaching for a widish ball and slapping Colly through the covers for four. Sit back, pour yourself an Appletize and imagine the Big Man in action.
1400 - Eng 117-2 That's a maiden from Sammy, Cook happy to defend all six deliveries. BW (see below) - not sure about you, but where I went to school the 'yobs' weren't sat about reading Dandy or Beano, they were smoking Lambert and Butler in the 'bogs' and letting down the tyres on Mr O'Rourke's car.
"In response to the request for best man tips, my advice would be that the ideal length for his speech should be the same length as a young lady's skirt - Llong enough to cover the essentials, but then the shorter the better."
Jon in the TMS inbox
"Will you please endeavour to curb your inclination to cater for any yobs who can read your cricketing reports and stick to the subject of cricket? If we wanted to read inane remarks, we would subscribe to the 'Dandy' or the 'Beano'."
BW in the TMS inbox
1355 - WICKET - Vaughan b Collymore 42, Eng 117-2
Collymore has Vaughan on toast, the England skipper hitting through the line and getting caught out by a bit of movement off the seam. Plenty of applause for Vaughan, although there were one or two jeers thrown in. Bit out of order, that. No jeers for the next man up the ramp - here comes God.
"Regarding body parts/names - in school, we had to make logos relating to our names, which was lovely for the girl called Nikki Showers, less nice for my friend David Hancock."
Becca (very bored in work), in the TMS inbox
1350 - Eng 117-1 A bit wide from Sammy and Cook slaps him through extra-cover for four. Sammy hits back well, getting one to jag away and leave Cooky groping.
1348 - Eng 113-1 Collymore bowls a maiden, that was tighter than Vanessa Feltz's gym shorts. He's doing a manful job for the tourists, although only bowling in the mid-70s.
"I would just like to point out that Ben Dirs looks absolutely nothing like Andy Fordham, although he does look a lot like Steve 'The Adonis' Beaton."
Mrs Christine Dirs, Warley Mental Institution, in the TMS inbox
1345 - Eng 113-1 The umpires amble towards the middle and here come the England batsmen...Lots of emails pointing out that the Olympic logo looks like Lisa Simpson getting up to some mischief. Don't see it myself, although it has been a while. It's Sammy with first bung after the restart and he gets one through Vaughan with one that cuts back off the seam. Tony Hancock...sorry, DJ Sammy into bowl, and Vaughan clips him away for a single. Decent over from Sammy - good line and length, he looks to have settled.
"Edward Rustioni (see below) is also an anagram of 'a worried nudist'. Might explain why he'd want a second nose on his back."
Matthew, Sunderland, in the TMS inbox
"Tony Hart used to be an officer in the Gurhkas - that-s a mean knife to whittle your pencils with."
Vaughn Medway, Gosport, in the TMS inbox
"I would like to begin my speech the way the bride's mother sang in the church earlier - with no notes."
Chris in the TMS inbox
"Am deeply wounded, Ben, that just because some of us aren't fortunate enough to be basking under warm blue skies and flaunting ourselves smugly in bikinis, that we should be directed not to disturb your good self during the lunch break. This is blatant discrimination against the sunnily challenged..."
Sarah, snuggled up on sofa under fleecy blanket in Canterbury
"Re: Names/Body parts, how about Gene Pit Knee?"
Danbert, Newcastle, in the TMS inbox
1314: Right, stop with the emails for 30 minutes folks, it's lunchtime! Unless you're Kate from Amsterdam...oh, and while you're at it, drop us in a picture as well...
"Can you ask Kate (aka Dutch Bird) whereabouts in Amsterdam she lives? I'm going to try and find her on Google Maps."
Dan Jay in the TMS inbox
"It's anagram time again...Edward Rustioni (see below) = DIRS' WEIRDO AUNT."
Gumbo, Shenfield CC, in the TMS inbox
"Gary Lynch (see below) - that logo is the equivalent of a Test cricket side being bowled out for 70. While we support the 2012 Olympics, as you would continue to support said hypothetical side, we won't applaud that poor performance."
Neko B in the TMS inbox
1302 - Eng 112-1 That's Cooky's fifty, courtesy of an airy drive through the covers for four. And you know what happens when Cook gets fifty? He normally goes on to bag a ton. And that, ladies and gents, is lunch. I'll be back after my modelling session...
"Tony Hart once advised children watching his programme to try and make their name out of body parts, like he could: toe-knee heart. I've never met anyone else who could do that. Any suggestions?"
James, London, in the TMS inbox
1258 - Eng 108-1 Better second over from Sammy, a maiden, his first in Test cricket - time for one last over before lunch.
"Just wondering if anyone has any one-liners or quips for my best man's speech next weekend?"
Darren, Rotherham, in the TMS inbox
1254 - Eng 108-1 Peachy stroke from Vaughan, Bravo bowling too straight and the England skipper timing him through wide mid-on for four. At lunch, Michael Vaughan will look at himself in the mirror and say: "Michael Vaughan - one thinks that was the best shot of the day so far." Vaughan 40, Cook 47.
1251 - Eng 103-1 Sammy is into the attack. He drops short and Vaughan swings him away for four. That's the England ton. Not much nip from Sammy, and Vaughan picks up another single with a nurdle to leg.
1246 - Eng 98-1 There's former Chancellor Kenneth Clarke looking a bit dozy in the crowd - he looks like he fell asleep in Tanerife. Soft hands from Vaughan, pulling one paw off the bat and the ball racing through the slip cordon for four. Not sure he was totally in control, however. Ravi Bopara and Grant Flower have put on 315 so far for Essex against Northants - double ton for Ravi...
"When I die, I quite like the idea of having the music from The Gallery playing as my coffin goes along the conveyor belt into the oven."
Jim, Leeds, in the TMS inbox
1243 - Eng 93-1 Vaughan moves to 26 with a scampered single and Cook picks up a couple with a thick inside edge to move to 46. The Windies have applied the breaks, it's all nudge and nurdle all of a sudden.
"While it looks a tad nippy at Old Trafford, I am, however, sat on my balcony, in the sunshine, in my bikini, watching the cricket in beautiful Amsterdam. Bliss."
Kate (aka Dutch Bird), Amsterdam, in the TMS inbox
1240 - Eng 89-1 Six dot balls from Bravo...can I just reiterate - I do not look like Andy Fordham...how is Andy, anyway? Last I heard he was a bit under the weather and had been advised to cut his alcohol intake from 24 bottles of lager a day to 12.
1237 - Eng 89-1 Vaughan moves to 32 with an extravagant back-foot drive for one and Collymore pulls on several jerseys at the end of the over, as if he's just been dragged out of the ocean after a boating disaster. Bit of ,sun poking through, however...
"Not sure where Morph should bat, but his running could be a bit of a problem. He is all stop go..."
Greg Weaver in the TMS inbox
1233 - Eng 88-1 Vaughan has a lazy old woosh at one outside off-peg from Bravo and finds only thin air. Vaughan is beaten again, and Bravo and Collymore have really slowed things up here.
1229 - Eng 87-1 Bit of timing from Vaughan, a drive through wide mid-on for three. I must assure Sarah from Bucks that I look nothing like Andy Fordham - a youthful Bob 'The Limestone Cowboy' Anderson maybe, but never 'The Viking'. I knew I should never have told that story...
"Firstly, I'd suggest to Mr Mott (below) that we use school analogies as it is an experience common to most people. If I was to use my experiences as a top neurosurgeon, there is less chance of resonance with the general public."
Rick, Dubai, in the TMS inbox
1227 - Eng 83-1 Thick outside edge for Cook and Chanderpaul goes hobbling after it like a pre-greased-up Tin Man - that gammy knee is clearly still not right, two for the stroke.
1221 - Eng 79-1 Collymore's tightened things up a little bit for the tourists, that's his second maiden on the trot. All a bit easy for Cooky however, even in defence. He couldn't look more comfortable if he was batting in his vest and undercrackers.
"If I could have a second nose, I'd shave my head and put it on there. I'd then draw two eyes and a mouth and be able to sleep with my head down at all the boring training days I have to endure and no-one would be any the wiser."
Paul, Wirral, in the TMS inbox
1217 - Eng 79-1 A single apiece for Vaughan and Cooky before the England skipper opens the face and runs new bowler Bravo away for a couple. Not looking good for the tourists - to paraphrase Muhammad Ali, they could get beaten so bad, they may all need shoehorns to put their caps on in the morning.
1213 - Eng 75-1 A maiden! Collymore keeping it nice and tight.
"Hey Ben, less of the stick on the 2012 Olympic Logo. I work in the Government Olympic Executive at the DCMS and totally cheesed off with the amount of stick we are all getting regarding the logo. How about more support for the 2012 Olympics instead of challenging people to make silly pictures from the logo and sitting in your comfy chair handing out Revels."
Gary Lynch, Government Olympic Executive, in the TMS inbox
1209 - Eng 75-1 Taylor onto Cook's pads again and Cook whips him away for another boundary. Cook - so very dependable. He's the sort of bloke, if he chucked your daughter, you'd probably get a little bit choked up.
"I would put a second nose on the back of my neck, so I could smell any undesirables who might be coming up behind me."
Edward Rustioni in the TMS inbox
1205 - Eng 70-1 That's bread, butter, meat and drink for Cook, a leg-side delivery that he clips through mid-wicket for one. A wild and windy woosh from Vaughan and he's beaten outside the off-peg by Collymore.
"Tony Hart opened the student bar at Oxford Brookes Uni a couple of years ago. It is officially called Hart's. He didn't wear a cravat."
Rory, Berkshire, in the TMS inbox
"Tony Hart - his 'gallery' was an inspiration to me and to this day I doodle aimlessly on the backs of documents before handing them to clients. They take it to the legal drafting and I am too proud to correct them. Where would Morph bat in the current England line-up?"
David Carter in the TMS inbox
1158 - Eng 69-1 Taylor strays onto Cook's pads and is whipped away for another boundary. That's drinks...and, relax...
"You may (or may not) be interested to know that the word you used to describe Cook's cover drive ('doozy') originates from a very desirable American car of the inter-War years, the Duesenberg. These cars, especially the 6.9-litre Model J, were popular with film stars, and everyone saw the 'Duesie' as the ultimate status symbol."
Nige, Edinburgh, in the TMS inbox
1154 - Eng 65-1 A new piece of willow for Cook and it's Collymore on to bowl. Cook nurdles Colly to leg for one before having a moan-up about his new bat. Another new one is delivered and we can continue.
"Is this new West Indian all-rounder the same DJ Sammy who did a cover of Bryan Adams 'Heaven' a few years back?"
Jon, Dublin, in the TMS inbox
1149 - Eng 64-1 Vaughan flips Edwards round the corner for a couple - superb fielding down there from Taylor, scooping the ball up one-handed just before it reaches the rope. Oh, that's peche de la peche from Vaughan, cover-driving four four, and the England skipper pouches two more with a clip through mid-wicket. This is looking ominous for the tourists, 24 runs off the last three overs, the Windies bowling like a house third XI.
"Has Michael Vaughan actually done anything wrong? He certainly didn't slate Freddie and it's more than likely that 'Fredalo' affected the team spirit. Maybe Mr Flintoff will think again before making an ass of himself..."
Steve, Reading , in the TMS inbox
1144 - Eng 56-1 Cook picks up another couple with a clip to leg before driving dreamily through the covers for four to move to 27. Bizarely, a number of you have emailed in today to ask what I look like. The truth is, I can't leave the house without picking up a new looky-likey, whether they be white, black, animal or cartoon character. I was in Portugal a few years ago when a mate and I got chatting to a couple of girls by the hotel pool. All of a sudden, one of them said to me: "You remind me of a darts player." I said: "Oh yeh, which one?" She said: "Oh, no-one in particular, you just remind me of a darts player." My mate's getting married to the other one in August. That's camaraderie for you.
"Why do you (and a lot of contributers) always make references to school when referring to players' personalities? Were they the best days of your life? If they were, then oh dear...Have you never grown up?"
Iain 'Victor Mature' Mott in the TMS inbox
1140 - 50-1 A couple for Vaughan, opening the face and running the ball down through third-man. Smell the leather, Vaughany - Edwards gets the England skipper hopping with a brute of a delivery. Vaughan picks up two more with a clip off his legs before getting himself into a right old pickle, pulling out of a pull stroke and the ball ballooning over the slips and running away for four. Slippery from Edwards, but England rattling along nicely - that's their 50.
"My colleague has been talking about an electronic nose and an interesting question arose - if you could have a second nose, where would you put it? I'd put it on my left wrist."
Tony, London, in the TMS inbox
1133 - 40-1 Taylor over-pitches and Cook flips him away for four. Chef (I didn't make that up) looks in decent nick as always.
1128 - 36-1 Edwards still spraying it about, and he gets a ball of 91mph to take off down the leg-side, balloon over Cook's shoulder and run away for four. Another wild, leg-side wide from Edwards and this is like Russian Roulette for the England batters. An Olympic logo cricketer from Pete Warren! (I had loads of rude ones, couldn't put those up...) A bag of Revels for Pete - send me your address and I'll get them in the post. It's Shane Warne, by the way...someone fetch me my cravat, I've come over all Tony Hart...
Shane Warne, rendered by Pete Warren - a genius
1124 - Eng 31-1 Cook moves to 13 with a doozy of a cover-drive for four before mistiming Taylor through mid-on for a couple.
1120 - Eng 24-1 Edwards isn't covering himself with glory on his recall to the Windies side and is swung away for four by Cooky. Edwards then raps Cook on the pads but, inexplicably, doesn't bother appealing - Hawkeye reckons it was hitting leg-stick.
1111 - WICKET - Strauss lbw b Taylor 6, Eng 13-1
That's Strauss gone lbw - looked like he just missed a straight one, to be honest. Plenty of runs in this England team, but the Middlesex man isn't getting many of them...and here comes Vaughan - fairly generous applause with a smattering of boos from the Old Trafford faithful - tasty. Vaughan gets a jaffa second-up, the ball pitching on a length and spitting up like fat from a frying pan. The England skipper gets off the mark in unconvincing fashion, trying to jag his bat out of the way and deflecting the ball to the third-man fence. A couple of no-balls from Taylor, but plenty of shape in that over.
1106 - Eng 13-0: Old Vaughany's lost the plot a bit recently, hasn't he? Talking about himself in the third person, stabbing his old mate Freddie in the back. He's like the bloke at school who used to be one of your mates until he got made a prefect - one minute he's drawing chalk breasts on your blazer, the next he's grassing you up for nicking a Wham Bar from the tuckshop. Go figure. Here comes Edwards, and his first delivery is a waist-high full-bunger that Cook is unable to dispatch. That's lollipop bowling from Edwards, another full-toss that Cook guides through point for four. The Essex opener dabs into the off-side and scampers one. Oh my dear God, four overthrows from Taylor, this is a little bit embarrassing.
1105: Eng 3-0: Right, we're off...CALM DOWN JEROME! A bumper for Strauss first up and the Middlesex man flexes his knees in extremely relaxed fashion, like someone bending down to ruffle a youngster's hair. Actually, that first ball was called wide by umpire Dar. Taylor strays onto Strauss' legs and is clipped away for a single. Cook off the mark with a tuck down to fine-leg - sloppy start from Taylor, spraying it around like an unmanned hose.
1058: Before play kicks off, Windies legend Clive Lloyd presents debutant Darren Sammy with his cap. Looks a little bit big to be honest, but he's pleased as punch nonetheless. Here come the England openers and we're almost ready to roll.
"Re the Olympic logo. I do not have the necessary computer skills, but considering the colour of the logo, could you not just mash it all together in a blob and call it Robert Key?"
Ben J Dyas in the TMS inbox
"Vaughan is respected as a captain and you lose a bit of respect if you start talking about your players outside the dressing room."
Former England skipper Mike Gatting on TMS
"Powell has been one of the better bowlers on tour so far, and it's a little baffling that he's been left out."
Sir Viv Richards on TMS
1042: I take it everyone's seen the London Olympics logo? I challenge you all to rearrange the pieces, make a well-known cricketer out of them and send me in the results. First decent entry gets their effort displayed on the screen and a bag of Revels. Personally, I like the bald Minstrels.
"Nice to see you back. I'm using the excuse that I'm waiting for a delivery to stay at home and watch the cricket. Don't tell anyone it arrived half an hour ago, shhh!"
Sarah, Bucks, in the TMS inbox
1034: England have won the toss and will bat first in a grey, overcast Manchester. England, unsurprisingly, are unchanged from Headingley. For the tourists, Gayle and Chanderpaul are fit, all-rounder Darren Sammy becomes the first St Lucian to play for West Indies and replaces Sylvester Joseph, and fast bowler Fidel Edwards is in for Daren Powell. Weird, I thought Powell looked like their best bowler. Got a bit of extra nip, though, Edwards.
"Ahh, Mr. Dirs, fancy seeing you here! I'm settling in for a solid day of cricket today - i've got nothing to do at work, but i'm not telling the boss that. Print out some pie charts and look busy, watching the cricket. Pass the beer...
"There's always an early comment you publish from someone that says: 'Can you concentrate on the cricket and leave out all the silly remarks?' Can that person be me today please?"
Jon Sofier, Paris, in the TMS inbox
1020: Hello all. Third Test, Old Trafford, green, bouncy deck - let's be honest, this could all be over inside three days.
I'm told England chairman of selectors David Graveney has been doing his media rounds to insist all is well in the England dressing room despite Michael Vaughan's alleged "Fredalo" comments. Old Trafford, of course, is Freddie's home ground - let's see how well the natives take it...I've just had a listen on the Guardian website - get the cans on and see what you think. This is brilliant - Vaughan on trial!