ONE-DAY SERIES, SYDNEY: England 292-7 (50 overs) bt Australia 200-9 (38.5 overs) by 92 runs
England completed their first victory over Australia since the 2005 Ashes after Ed Joyce's century in Sydney.
Joyce, dropped twice, made 107 from 142 balls to help better by 66 England's previous best of the one-day series.
Chasing 293, Australia were bowled out for 200 in 38.5 overs, with Andrew Symonds having retired hurt on 39. Matthew Hayden was top-scorer with 51.
Liam Plunkett (3-24) and Sajid Mahmood (2-38) both struck in the first eight balls to cut the hosts to 4-2.
ALL THE ACTION
"We have won a game!"
Simon in the TMS inbox
39th over: WICKET - Australia 200-9
Australia's 200 comes up courtesy of a leg-bye off the thigh of Tait. Yes, got him! England have beaten Australia! Tait run-out by Bell and it's all over! Kiss my face! Oh, do stop it Aggers! Bonus point for England. I've got a couple of donut builders to pay, but it's been lovely sharing this with you. I think I've got the final - could we meet again then? Let's hope so.
38th over: Australia 199-8
Clark plays a pretty decent shot for one to mid-wicket. Tait then gives Panesar the hammer, crashing him straight over his head for four. Tait follows up with maybe the biggest hit I have ever seen, a dirty great Big Bertha 10 rows back into the stands over mid-wicket. Tait squirts an outside edge away for a single.
37th over: WICKET - Australia 187-8
Plunkers back on and he beats McGrath's outside edge. Plunkers then gets rid of McGrath, trapping him plumb in front. Figures of 3-24 for the Durham man. Tait is next man in, apparently he's not very good. He's backing away from Plunkett, he clearly doesn't fancy it. Flintoff is wearing the biggest smile I've seen him wear since that day out in Trafalgar Square. Lovely.
36th over: Australia
McGrath off the mark with a flick off his pads before Clark winds up and larrups Panesar to the mid-wicket boundary. I'm can barely see the screen now, I'm virtually blind. 187-7
35th over: Australia 181-7
Clark flails and misses at Flintoff before doing well to fend off a short one from Freddie. Flintoff strays on to Clark's pads and is chipped away for one. McGrath survives the over.
34th over: WICKET - Australia 180-7
Bracken and Clark exchange singles before Panesar drops short and Bracken slaps him away for four. But Panesar hits back, Bracken missing a straight one. Australia are on the brink. I. Think. England. Might. Win. This. McGrath makes a rare appearance at number 10. Jeez, Tait must be a load of old rubbish.
"I used to dance to Lessons In Love with the object of my affection, a girl called Sue. I still play the tune on my guitar. I'd rather they reformed more than the Police."
MJF in the TMS inbox
33rd over: Australia 174-6
Flintoff drops short and Clark slaps him away for four. Nice shot that.
32nd over: Australia 170-6
White gets down on one knee and slaps Panesar over mid-wicket for four. Seven from the over, but these boys are going to have to give it some serious tap to get anywhere near England total.
"Regarding Ben Dirs' name: I went to school with him and can vouch for it being the source of some playful barbs in the tuckshop queue at school back in the day. Wonder if Donny and Christine ever figured that their naming of you would inspire some debate on a commentary of a day- nighter at the SCG?"
Grogs in the TMS inbox
31st over: WICKET - Australia 160-6
Flintoff back into the attack and White (13) is gone, attempting to cut and feathering a catch to wicket-keeper Nixon. If England can hustle the Aussies out for less than 234 or 40 overs or less, they pick up a bonus point. How exciting! The Aussies are effectively 160-7, what with Symonds out for the rest of the match having picked up an arm injury. England's biggest one-day win over Australia in terms of runs is 101 at Edgbaston in 1977. Fine over from Freddie.
30th over: Australia 160-5
Australia picking Panesar off, four singles from the over. News reaches us that Symonds will not be batting again.
"You must be tired and weary if the thought of Level 42 making a comeback doesn't excite you. All hail Nixon, King of Pop. Apparently his brother likes them too - it runs in the family!!!"
Gregg, Wandsworth, in the TMS inbox
29th over: Australia 156-5
White drives Bopara through the covers and Kerplunkers makes a good diving stop on the boundary rope. Bracken puts manners on a Bopara half-bunger and the ball runs away for four. Nine from the over and the Gatorade-mobile makes it's way onto the field. Has anyone seen the Woody Allen film Everything You Wanted To Know About Sex But Were Afraid To Ask?? The Gatorade-mobile moves like the giant breast in that. That's been bugging for months.
28th over: Australia 147-5
The Aussie pair milking Panesar, but they need more than that at this stage. Three from the over.
"Just thought you should know there's a bloke who works in the city called Ben Hur..."
Matthew Hutchin in the TMS inbox
27th over: Australia 145-5
Strangled lbw appeal by Bopara against Bracken. Clearly going down leg. Bracken gets a couple of singles, White grabs one.
"It's an Australian conspiracy! They are throwing the game so they will meet England instead of the Kiwis in the final."
Wardy, Holland, in the TMS inbox
26th over: Australia 142-5
Bracken gets off the mark with a thick outside-edge for three. Nixon then gets excited for no apparent reason, but he's the sort of bloke who'd get excited if he found out Level 42 were making a comeback. Panesar beats the probing White and the Aussies under the thumb here.
25th over: WICKET - Australia 137-5 Indeed, Symonds (38) is retiring hurt. Looks to have done himself a mischief playing a meaty shot off Flintoff a few overs back. Tricep or bicep. White is out there now and he's not got a lid on. Not often you see that in this day and age. Bopara gives him a bumper and the ball bounces miles over Nixon's head and runs away for four. Bopara, though, does what many England bowlers struggled to do during the Ashes and gets rid of Hussey, the Limpet Man playing on. Bracken gets an absolute jaffer first up, the ball pitching and nipping off the seam. All hail Bopara, king of the dibbly-dobblers.
24th over: Australia 130-4 Floating in and out of consciousness now. It just took me about 30 seconds to write 'consciousness'. Nice shot by Symonds, dabbing Panesar away for three down to third-man. Hussey swings Monty away for a single. Symonds strides down the wicket and clubs Monty to mid-off for one, but he's clearly struggling with his arm, wincing after every shot.
23rd over: Australia 122-4 Squeeky bum time for Ravi Bopara - the debutant into the attack with his dibbly-dobblers. He beats Symonds with his first delivery and Nixon whips off the bails. The square-leg umpire goes upstairs and they take about four seconds to decide it's not out. Symonds runs Bopara away for a single down to third-man and Hussey picks up a couple of leg-byes. Good chugging between the stumps. Good, tight first over from Bopara, just what the doctor ordered.
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22nd over: Australia 119-4
With the bully boy gone, it's safe for Monty to come out from behind the sofa again. Symonds and Hussey exchange a few singles.
21st over: WICKET - Australia 116-4
Symonds makes room against Mahmood and laces him over extra-cover for a one-bounce four. But Mahmood hits back well, Hayden (51 off 62) driving straight to Dalrymple at short cover. England back in charge. But Hussey, The Limpet, is next in and he survives the over.
20th over: Australia 109-3
Symonds gets a thick outside edge, the ball runs away for four and Australia pass 100. Flintoff and Nixon go up for a caught behind but umpire Howell says, correctly, that Symonds clipped his pad with his bat. Symonds then plays a brutal pull for four and the Aussies are slugging their way out of a corner here. To corrupt an old boxing saying, 'when the fat lady's singing, Australia will still be swinging.' That powerplay cost England 52 runs.
19th over: Australia 99-3
Symonds is nearly run-out, Mahmood following up and just failing to push the ball onto the stumps. Mahmood called for a wide, the ball ballooning way over Hayden's head. Hayden is then beaten outside off-stump, and there is a suspicion that Nixon has shelled a sitter. I think Hayden may actually have hit the ground with his bat. Hayden then opens a can of whuppass on Mahmood, clubbing the ball straight past him for four. England need a wicket.
"This is a good day. England might win and I have discovered the person with the greatest name on earth. I tip my bonnet to you 'Ben Dirs'"
Christopher Balsdon in the TMS inbox
18th over: Australia 92-3
It's Monty time ladies and gents. I reckon Haydos and Symonds will want to give him some serious humpty here. Flintoff marshalling his field like Montgomery at El Alemain, but Symonds gets stuck in to Panesar, stamping a big size 14 down the track and rat-a-tat-tatting him over the mid-wicket boundary for six. Two more for Symonds to mid-wicket, Collingwood saving manfully on the rope. Panesar hits back well, beating the twirl of Symonds' bat with a quicker delivery.
17th over: Australia 81-3
Symonds digs out a nice yorker by Mahmood but Australia milk another six from the over.
"To Tom in Amsterdam from Tom in Bangalore: It's a matter of conscience, what does your heart tell you?"
Tom in the TMS inbox
16th over: Australia 75-3
Flintoff strays onto Hayden's legs again and is clipped away for four. Outrageous, liberty-taker of a stroke next up by Hayden, walking down the pitch and taking a wild air-shot. He does, however, connect with the next delivery, rocking back and carving Flintoff away for four. Another boundary next up, timing the ball through point. Hayden then nearly chops onto his stumps, scampers a single and Flintoff tries to run Symonds out with a kick onto the stumps. Skills. Hayden hits his fourth four of the over off the final ball, playing a dreamy steer through the covers. Boom boom boom let me hear you say way-ooh.
15th over: Australia 57-3
A few verbals between Nixon and Symonds, the Aussie batsman getting the hump after Nixon rather uncharitably tries to run him out. Odd chap Nixon, I bet he collects stuff, birds eggs or something like that. Symonds is then beaten outside the off-stump before he misses with a wild and windy woosh. Players have a wet.
"I live in Amsterdam and my boss just called in sick - I'm the only one in the office and it's Friday. If I leave now I can be home in 40 minutes to watch the end of the match should I go?"
Tom in the TMS inbox
14th over: Australia 56-3
Symonds gets up on tippy-toes, opens the face and the ball fizzes past the man at third slip. Flintoff strays onto Hayden's pads and the big man gives it the hammer, the ball landing about 10 rows back over the mid-wicket fence. Hayden could have been out two balls later, Hayden top-edging a pull and Bopara mis-judging the flight and failing to get a hand to it. The Essex man must have had trouble picking that out of the lights and Hayden gets two for it.
13th over: WICKET - Australia 45-3
Plunkers takes another, Clarke (18) flashing at a wide one and Nixon taking a beauty diving low to his right. Give Nixon his due, he may have a touch of the clowns about him, but he's pretty smart behind the timbers. Symonds is next in and he twirls his bat at a wide one and gets a single down to third-man. Plunkett goes up for a fairly half-hearted lbw appeal against Hayden, but umpire Howell reckons it would have gone over.
12th over: Australia 44-2
Flintoff has found a nice line outside off stump to Hayden, who leaves the first five before trying to take the cover off the sixth. It goes straight to mid-off. Bell comes back on the field after finishing his homework.
11th over: Australia 41-2
Clarke probes at a jaffa from Plunkett, the ball pitching, rising and beating the batsman's outside edge. England really turning the screw here, Plunkers bowling like Kapil Dev in his pomp. Erm, he drops short and Clarke slaps him away for four. Sorry.
10th over: Australia 37-2
Flintoff into the attack. The England skipper sends down a wide before Hayden drives and Mahmood fumbles at mid-off. He really is an average fielder.
9th over: Australia 35-2
Clarke gets some chin music from Plunkett and the Durham man really has his dander up at the moment. 260 is the most ever made by a team to win at the SCG. Plunkers strays down the leg-side for a wide. Hayden chops down to third-man for a single but Australia still in serious strife.
8th over: Australia 32-2
Bully Boy Hayden plays his first really aggressive shot of the innings, clattering Mahmood to the mid-wicket boundary for four. The hosts weathering the early storm.
7th over: Australia 28-2
I'm in pieces now folks, really, really struggling. I feel like I used to feel on the way home in a cab after a night out 'avin it' in my salad days. Clarke plays Plunkett into the off-side and scampers a quick single. Hayden shovels one round the corner for one before Plunkett has Clarke groping at one outside off-stump.
6th over: Australia 26-2
Clarke pushes Mahmood into the covers for a couple before Hayden gets a couple with a clip to backward-square. Colly takes a crowd catch at extra-cover, to roars from the pumped-up England faithful.
"I've never seen anyone make that gesture on a cricket field that Lou Vincent made the other day. There are two or three rude gestures people can make, and it was one of them..."
Simon Mann on TMS
5th over: Australia 19-2
Plunkett strays onto Hayden's legs and the big man shows his sensitive side with a tickle down to fine-leg for four. Hodge gets a few with a tuck off his pads. Nixon chirping away behind the sticks as ever. At least he's got something to gob off about today.
"I will be in the new Harry's at Raffles Quay from 6pm if John and Scantily Clad want to join me. They can help me serve-it up to my Aussie girlfriend!"
Terry Stone in the TMS inbox
4th over: Australia 12-2
Bopara loving this, he's playing keepy-uppies with a beachball down at fine-leg! Cheeky so-and-so - it's not always like this Ravi. Two from the over.
"Scantily clad, where's the bar you're going to after work? News is spreading like wildfire in Singapore."
Snappy in the TMS inbox
3rd over: Australia 10-2
Plunkett gets one through Hayden's defences and the Durham man's topping 90mph. Clarke gets off the mark with a boundary, a dreamily-timed clip off his legs.
"If England win, can you tell Scantily clad that I will meet him after work for a beer!"
John, Singapore, in the TMS inbox
2nd over: WICKET - Australia 4-2
Mahmood shares the new ball and Hodge just manages to dig out a yorker. Mahmood, as is often the case, follows up some nice work with a wide. However, down goes Hodge next ball, trying to pull his bat out of the way and deflecting the ball onto his stumps. Did a cleaner slip something in my tea while I was out having an interval gasper? Another wide, and it's your classic liquorice allsorts from Saj.
"Just made a bet with an Aussie colleague - if we don't win I need to cover my face in Vegemite before going down the boozer, him Marmite if we do."
Scantily clad, Singapore, in the TMS inbox
1st over: WICKET - Australia 0-1
It's Plunkett to have first go with the ball and he serves up the juiciest of peaches first ball, an inswinging yorker that castles Gilchrist. Will I make it home for Loose Women? They've got Ulrika Johnson on today and she's talking about Dancing on Ice. Come on Plunkers, sock it to 'em. Hodge is next man in and he gets a pearler first up, the ball shaping away from him. Australia get off the mark with a wide, and Plunkers follows up with another. Hodge off the mark with a push into the covers. Hayden gets another fine inswinging delivery first up, but shoulders arms and the ball sails over the stumps.
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50th over: England 292-7
Bopara tries to clip McGrath away off his legs, gets a leading edge and the ball balloons to mid-off for one. Plunkett gets a couple for a heave down the ground before playing a dreamily-timed five wood to the deep mid-wicket boundary. Block-hole ball from McGrath last up, Plunkett digs it out and gets one for it. Take that and party. Shame England turned up to said party about three months late.
49th over: England 284-7
Bopara scores his first run in international cricket, a flick off his pads for one. Plunkett plays his part, picking up three runs, before Bopara gets four for a delightful stroke, opening the face and gliding Tait away for four. Ten from the over and England will have 300 in their sights in the final over.
48th over: WICKET - England 274-7
Debutant Bopara is next man in. Dalrymple has a couple of airy swats at McGrath but crashes him over the boundary with his third attempt. Useful. Dalrymple heaves McGrath away for another boundary before disaster strikes, Bopara scampering back for a second run, Dalrymple having none of it and finding himself about 22 yards out of his ground. Good dig by Dalrymple, 30 very handy runs.
47th over: WICKET - England 261-6
Nixon out after a typical cameo, like a fool in a Shakespeare play. He is beaten for pace by Tait and spoons the ball to Hodge at extra-cover.
47th over: WICKET - England 256-5
Joyce perishes for 107, mistiming a pull off Tait and Bracken snaffling the catch at mid-wicket. Fine knock by Joyce, and that, I imagine, has cemented his place in England's World Cup team. Nixon is next man. Some say he should have three bells on his helmet as well as three lions on his chest. Dalrymple crashes a full-bunger through the covers for one before Nixon top-edges Tait over the wicket-keeper for four.
46th over: England 256-4
Dalrymple falls away to outside off-stump and pulls Clark away for four. Five singles from the rest of the over and there are nine runs from it.
"Brilliant knock from Ed Joyce! Thoroughly deserving of his ton! English ex-pats in Toronto salute you our Irish-born brother! Now if only our bowlers could back this up. Trust in the Lord forever! For the Lord is an eternal Rock - Isaiah 26:4" Charles from Toronto in the TMS inbox
45th over: England 247-4
The last time an England batsman made a one-day ton was 15 matches ago, Trescothick against Sri Lanka at Headingley. Joyce moves to 98 with a hoick through mid-wicket for four before playing uppishly to backward point for one. Dalrymple gives the Dubliner back the strike and he does get his ton, top-edging a Tait bumper and the ball running away for four. A business-like, rather sheepish flourish from the Middlesex man. Dalrymple makes room and flays Tait to the backward-point boundary and England are trucking.
44th over: England 232-4
Joyce pulls Clark round the corner before Dalrymple steers Clark down to third-man for a single. Joyce moves to 94 with a clip into the on-side. Another mid-field by Australia, this time Tait on the backward-point boundary, and Dalrymple picks up one. Seven off the over and England still ticking over nicely.
"To the tune of Our House: Our Strauss, in the middle of our crease, Our Strauss, if only he could move his feet..."
Marc Smith in the TMS inbox
43rd over: WICKET - England 222-4
Joyce clubs Bracken down the ground for one before Strauss perishes, shovelling the ball over his shoulder and straight to Clark at third-man. Dalrymple leapfrogs Bopara in the order and Joyce moves into the 90s.
"I cant believe with all the money the BBC take off the British public it resorts to commentating on the cricket by dragging a guy out of bed at a stupid time of the morning to watch it on a TV provided by Howling Mad Murdoch...now I can't think why I emigrated?"
Lee in Perth in the TMS inbox
42nd over: England 220-3
It's as if England have saved up all their luck for this one match, Strauss making room and flaying Clark through backward point for four. England will want to start giving it some serious humpty-dumpty in a minute. Joyce carves Clark away for a single, the ball flying through the hands of the fielder at backward point and McGrath hoovering up on the boundary. Australia - and this is probably the first time I've said this on this tour - are looking ragged.
41st over: England 213-3
Strauss plays a doozy of a cover-drive for four, Hayden making a heroic, but fruitless, dive. Strauss looks in good nick and he nicks a quick single with a clip to mid-on. Joyce gets two into the off-side, Symonds mis-fielding and the SCG crowd having a bit of a moan-up. Extraordinary.
40th over: England 202-3
England have the ball replaced. Apparently, in eight years of playing one-dayers, Australia have lost three times in Sydney, each time when batting second. Just spotted Hodge tucking into a 'nana mid-over. I get the feeling the Aussies not exactly playing at full intensity, what with their fielders snacking in the outfield. Joyce plays a super shot, making room and slapping Clark over extra-cover for four to move to 82 and take England past 200.
39th over: England 195-3
Another wide from White before Strauss clips him away for one. Joyce nearly chops one onto his stumps and then misses out on a long-hop, only eking one from it. Strauss grabs a couple, and Joyce looks like he's tweaked something, he pulled up short there.
38th over: England 187-3
McGrath bumps Strauss and the Middlesex man, desperate for some runs in this match, drags him away for one. Strauss back-cuts for a couple.
37th over: WICKET - England 184-3
Joyce swings White away for one. The screen is looking more and more like one of those Magic Eyes that were all the rage a few years back, I have to look at it for a few seconds before the picture becomes clear. But I can see that Flintoff is out, trying to clip White to leg, missing and umpire Harper deciding it was leg-before. Looked a bit high in my very humble opinion. Strauss is next man in and he puts manners on his first delivery, slapping a long-hop away to deep mid-wicket for four.
36th over: England 176-2
Joyce stands tall and glides McGrath down to wide third-man for one. Flintoff gets off the mark with a steer into the covers. I. Am. Really. Struggling. Now.
35th over: England 173-2
Joyce not really reading White and gets in a bit of a tangle. He does get a couple with a sweep and follows up with a single with the same shot. Three from the over.
"If England play sensibly then they have got to be looking at 270, but to do that they cannot have two new batsmen at the crease..."
Graham Gooch on TMS
34th over: WICKET - England 169-2
Bell gone, trying to pull McGrath and top-edging to Gilchrist behind the stumps. Good knock from Bell, but not a clever dismissal. Freddie has been bumped up the order, maybe wise in the circumstances. McGrath tests out Joyce with a bumper and Joyce gets one for an uppish pull. Flintoff forces off the back foot and Clarke fields well at backward point to save the run.
33rd over: England 169-1
White tosses up an absolute shocker which eludes Gilchrist and runs away for three wides. White, a leg-spinner by trade, then serves up a wide before Bell moves to 50 with a drag to wide mid-on. Seven from the over and players take drinks.
"I think Mal will be replaced before the World Cup - he's a bit of an enthusiastic muppet. Apparently 'Mal' is short for 'Malachy'. Never heard this name - so Googled it, and the earliest was St. Malachy of the 12th Century, known for his prophesies. When asked to take office, he predicted his own future martyrdom many years later in the face of a dying English cricket team who might just win one match..."
Harry in Boston in the TMS inbox
32nd over: England 162-1
Lovely shot from Bell, picking Symonds up off his legs and dumping him one bounce into the mid-wicket fence. Joyce makes room and carves Symonds through the covers for a couple and grabs two more with a clip to mid-wicket.
31st over: England 153-1
White into the attack, he finds Joyce's inside edge, and the ball just misses his stumps. Joyce does get a couple from the over, but he needs to take a deep breath and have a little talk to himself, he's wavering badly.
"Does the fact that we are even talking about Darren Gough coming back demonstrate a deeper malaise in English cricket? Are there really no younger bowlers worth giving a chance?"
Simon in Camberley in the TMS inbox
30th over: England 150-1
Absolute doozy of a shot from Joyce, latching onto Symonds' first delivery and slapping him through the covers for four. Symonds, bowling medium pacers, then puts down a sharpish caught and bowled. You would expect him to take that nine times out of 10. Joyce is then sliced in half and the ball runs away for a couple. A few signs that Joyce's concentration might be wavering there, but he nudges England up past 150.
29th over: England 144-1
Bell fences at a Bracken delivery and is beaten. Joyce follows up with a wild and windy woosh and Bell strolls down the pitch and tells him to calm down a bit. Joyce does just that, nudging the next ball into the off-side for one. Bell plays the ball back to Bracken and the bowler has a furious shie at the stumps. Bell may have been struggling had he hit. Bell glides Bracken away for one before Joyce grabs a single to point. I'm really, really flagging and I've got a couple of builders round to fix the French doors in my bedroom later today.
28th over: England 141-1
Bell plays an ugly sweep and the ball ricochets between his legs and the stumps. Two for it. In contrast, he follows up with a delightful reverse sweep for three. Joyce grabs one run to point and England have six from the over.
27th over: England 135-1
Joyce brings up his second successive one-day fifty with a delicate glide down to third-man off Bracken. Has he secured himself a place in England's World Cup Xl? The Dubliner digs out an attempted yorker and gets a couple for it. Joycey's fifty came off 81 deliveries - not rapid, but quick enough.
26th over: England 130-1
Bell top-edges a sweep but gets away with it again. One run. Joyce grabs a couple of singles of his own and England are happy just to pick Clarke off.
"Rubbish top 3s: If we look at Tests only, then big Steve Harmison, Geraint Jones, Sajid Mahmood! One-day games, well, it's a lottery, but you would have to go with any of the bowlers save Monty and Fred. But most rubbish of all would be DUNCAN FLETCHER!"
Andrew Hall in Sydney in the TMS inbox
25th over: England 126-1
Bracken back into the attack and Joyce and Bell swap quick singles. Sweet little cut by Bell and he bags a couple. England sitting pretty at the halfway stage.
"England's most rubbish top 3s: Harmlesson, Strauss, Cook. Difficult to pick just three."
Scantily Clad from Singapore in the TMS inbox
24th over: England 121-1
Joyce riding his luck, top-edging a sweep into wide open space at mid-wicket. The Middlesex man pushes Clarke into the off-side for one before Bell dabs the left-arm spinner round the corner. England happy to milk Clarke.
23rd over: England 115-1
Tait serves up some vicious chin music and Bell sways back and out of line, a la Robin Smith. Tait then spears one down the leg-side and it runs away for five. Tait is the Forest Gump of the Aussie line-up - like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get next. Bell nicks a single to mid-off.
22nd over: England 106-1
Australia turn to the gentle spin of Clarke, and that must be counted as a victory for England. Joyce is beaten outside the off-stump and there's just a single from the over. In answer to Peter Brown (see below), if you mean am I starting to support Australia, the answer is only when I was watching Jason Donovan on I'm a Celebrity...
21st over: England 106-1
Tait back on and Bell brings up England's ton with push down the pitch for a couple before Joyce plays what I believe to be the shot of the day, making room and carving Tait through the covers for four. Joyce mistimes a pull but the ball lands safely over mid-wicket. The tourists rattling along here.
"So, have you ball-by-ball commentators got Stockholm Syndrome yet?"
Peter Brown in the TMS inbox
20th over: England 96-1
Quick single, Bell dabbing the ball down and Joyce just making his ground. I've got a funny story for you. I was in a cafe with some mates the other day and this wide boy bowls through the door. He goes up to the two women behind the counter and says ''Hello sugar" and one of the women goes "Hello darlin'" and the bloke goes, "not you, the other lump". I nearly choked on my sausage sandwich. Good running by England, four singles from the over as they nudge towards 100.
19th over: England 92-1
Classic McGrath, the ball pitching, jagging back and slicing Bell in half. Right, here's one for you: who has been the most rubbish England player on this tour? Actually, let's have your top threes.
"I think Darren Gough should be in the World Cup squad, I've been playing beach cricket with him and he's looking pretty good..."
Graham Gooch on TMS
18th over: England 88-1
Bell gets underneath one and the ball lands safely at deep mid-wicket, like a nine iron floated into the green. Bell gets two for it.
17th over: England 85-1
McGrath gets one past Joyce's outside edge and Goochie is going off his head about Mal Loye's signature slog-sweep on TMS. Joyce then plays a Lara-esque cut for four. That's got me purring, and I can hardly see the screen at 4.35am.
16th over: England 81-1
Crackerjack shot from Bell, off-driving Clark for four and the Warwickshire man dabs Clark away for another couple down to third-man. Joyce pinches a quick single to short-cover and the Aussies don't look totally tuned in here. Bell then fishes at a good lifting delivery from Clark.
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15th over: England 75-1
McGrath drops short and Bell carves him away for four before repeating the shot next-up. Ten from the over and England, dare I say it, are looking pretty good here.
14th over: England 65-1
Clark running a tight ship at his end and Bell nibbles at one outside the off-stump. Just one from the over.
"This is my favourite bit of the game, the part when England actually think they can play cricket - then come the wickets, then come the tears, then come the beers (for Australia)!" Abe from Sydney in the TMS inbox
13th over: England 64-1
Can Joyce push on here? A decent knock and he's a shoo-in for the World Cup, surely. It's about time the Irish repaid us for Jack Charlton. He rocks back to McGrath and pulls him over mid-wicket for four.
12th over: England 60-1
Bell is the next man in and he gets off the mark with a drop into the on-side and a risky single. Joyce does much the same and there are two from the over.
11th over: WICKET - England 58-1
Loye attempts to slog-sweep and gets ball pie all over his face. McGrath looks at Loye with a mixture of pity and amusement. Loye removes his lid and he's got a bit of a graze on his chin, poor mite. Physio Dean Conway is called upon and out come the frozen peas. Players take drinks and there's one ball remaining in the over...and Loye is out, top-edging a pull to backward square and Bracken taking a very straightforward catch.
"Just thought I'd let you know that I went to bowl at the England team at the SCG yesterday with my mates from my cricket club in Sydney and one of my mates, who plays third grade cricket, got two genuine edges behind from Ian Bell. If he can't play my mate, how is he going to manage when Brett Lee and Shaun Tait are charging in to bowl?"
Jon Burrowes in the TMS inbox
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"Although I'd love England to win, I want to listen to Sherlock Holmes on BBC Seven at 9 o'clock this morning."
Richard in the TMS inbox
10th over: England 57-0
Clark on for Bracken. Joyce rocks back and brings up England's 50 with a dreamy pull for four. The Irishman gets another three with a push into the on-side and this is England's highest opening partnership of the series.
"You are so NOT funny. Try doing your job and report the cricket like a journalist. Why do you insist on making irrelevant comparisons, eg. 'Like Ewood park on FA Cup third round day' etc. etc. etc. Not funny, not necessary and basically spoiling the text commentary. And yes I could do better."
A furious Ash in Stafford in the TMS inbox
9th over: England 48-0
Loye gets some chin music from Tait and a short-leg might have gobbled that up. South Australia's Tait then strays wide outside off-stump but South Australia's umpire Harper reckons it's OK. Loye then times one through extra-cover for four.
"Loye wiggles his bat round more than Mike Brearley - and he used to wiggle it alot..."
Jim Maxwell on TMS
8th over: England 43-0
Joyce slaps Bracken over the covers for four before Loye attempts another of his slog-sweeps and gets four down to third man. Lancashire's Loye then plants his front foot down the track and rat-a-tats Bracken to the square-leg boundary. Fourteen from the over.
"Is Ben Dirs your real name or a reference to what you go on after yet another crushing English defeat? I am a Pom living in Australia by the way so I know how you feel..Go the blue and reds!"
Steve in the TMS inbox
7th over: England 29-0
Loye throws the kitchen sink at a ball outside off-stump from Tait and misses. Joyce then does well to root out a wicked yorker and it's a good contest between Tait and Joyce at the moment. Just a single from the over.
"Looking for positives today - this should be our last defeat to the Aussies until 2009 at least...makes going to work in Perth a whole lot easier."
David in the TMS inbox
6th over: England 28-0
Joyce gives himself room, flays Bracken down to wide third-man and Tait shells an absolute dolly on the boundary. Two bonus runs for Joyce. Loye then unfurls his trademark slog-sweep and dumps Bracken over the rope for a maximum. Eleven from the over.
5th over: England 17-0
Loye misses out on a leg-stump half-volley before squeezing out an attempted yorker to square-leg for a couple. Tait strays onto Loye's pads again and this time Loye grabs a couple. Loye then misses out on a wild, away-swinging full-bunger. Tait looks like a nightmare to bat against, it's like Russian Roulette.
"Loye's hit four slog-sweeps so far this series and nicked four cover-drives, so he's pretty consistent..."
Damien Fleming on TMS
4th over: England 13-0
Bracken probing outside Joyce's off-stump and it's the first maiden of the innings.
3rd over: England 13-0
Tait up to 96-97mph now but Loye gets another couple off his hip. Tait has another very decent lbw appeal turned down by the umpire and he's really getting Loye hopping around out there. Another wide down the leg-side however and looking at his action, you do wonder how he's going to remain fit for long periods.
2nd over: England 10-0
Loye off the mark with a clip off his hip from Bracken. Loye playing for his World Cup place here. Bracken sends down a wide and it's an uncharacteristically indisciplined start from Australia.
1st over: England 8-0
It's Loye and Joyce to open for England and one-day debutant Tait will have first go with the ball. Tait has best domestic figures of 8-43. His first ball is miles wide but not given, but his third is double wide and is given. Up to 95mph though, and Tait goes ruddy berko for an lbw after an inswinging yorker, but the umpire's having none of it. Joyce gets off the mark with a clip for four off his legs and it really is licorice allsorts from Tait. Another wide from Tait and Joyce gets one more off his hip.
0302 GMT: Freddie just expaining his decision to bat, it went something like this: "Yadda yadda yadda we made some runs in the last game so it's something to build on yadda yadda yadda..." Just seen the SCG and this one hasn't exactly got the locals buzzing, it looks like Ewood Park on FA Cup third round day.
0257 GMT: England won the toss and have decided to have a bat. I could be home in time for Homes Under The Hammer. Actually, just had a look and Batfink's on BBC Two at 7.50. "Hugo A Go Go robs a fur store with his new invention; Hugo creates a mechanical criminal bride."
0245 GMT: Hello you two. I'm not going to lie to you both, but I'd rather be tied to a cactus and pelted with hot gravel than forced to watch what we're about to watch. But I promise to be as professional as I can in the circumstances. Word is that Bopara will debut. Collingwood apparently fell sick on his way to the ground. Yeh, we believe you Colly...The misfiring Mahmood is in for the misfiring Tremlett.
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