ONE-DAY SERIES, PERTH:
England 260-8 lost to New Zealand 318-7 by 58 runs
New Zealand crushed England by 58 runs in the CB Series match in Perth - and the margin of victory would have been grater but for some fielding lapses.
Lou Vincent, Ross Taylor and Jacob Oram hit half-centuries and 38 runs were smashed off the last two overs as New Zealand hit 318-7 in Perth.
Ed Joyce made a maiden half-century for England and Paul Nixon hit 49.
But Daniel Vettori and Craig McMillan shared four wickets as England tumbled from 99-1 to end on 260-8.
50th over: WICKET - Eng 260-8 - England lose by 58 runs
Nixon, on 49 not out with one ball left, goes big, only to fall to a brilliant tumbling catch from Oram in the deep. It's a fitting end to another thrashing. I couldn't be happier that I got up at 3.30am this morning to watch this match - one of the wisest decisions a man could ever make. Hope you had a fine time too - enjoy the rest of your day...
49th over: Eng 252-7
67 needed off the last over. Do stick around.
48th over: Eng 250-7
It's Comedy Cricket time. Plunkett drills one to Peter Fulton at deep midwicket, only for the fielder to make such a mess of the catch that he actually ends up heading it backwards. Plunkett then edges the next two balls for four. Is this the same game that Australia play?
47th over: Eng 237-7
Nixon's probably cementing his World Cup place here. He boffs another lofted four off Patel to move into the 40s. Just 81 needed from the last 18 balls.
46th over: Eng 229-7
Vettori's last over, and he concedes five wides trying to defeat Nixon's perpetual reverse-sweep. There's then a huge appeal for caught behind, but the old stager stays put.
From Phil Moore in Henlow, TMS inbox: "The England batsmen are in fact playing cricket-udoku. They are secretly aiming to get each score in between 12 and 20 without repeating any one score."
45th over: Eng 219-7
Nixon's at it again, lofting long and getting lucky as Franklin palms a straightforward catch over the boundary for a six. It feels vaguely patronising.
'Mrs Dalrymple', via the TMS inbox: "I can't stand Mr Dalrymple either. I got him out six times in four4 overs for only 12 runs in our back garden before Xmas ¿ and I was only bowling medium-pacers (as I was 8 months pregnant at the time). Still, it gets him out the house."
44th over: Eng 206-7
To widespread amazement, Nixon comes down the pitch to Vettori and hits him over long on for a big six. Seriously.
From Andy Hill, TMS inbox: "Is Jamie Dalrymple the new Anthony McGrath/Rikki Clarke/Ian Blackwell?" I'm sorry, Andy - I feel like I've just stared into the face of Death himself.
43rd over: Eng 197-7
Nixon tickles and flips his way to 16, and is dropped by a back-pedalling Vettori. Tough chance, to be fair. 122 needed from 42 balls. Yeah right.
42nd over: Eng 190-7
Plunko comes in to join Nixon, who reverse-sweeps with such fervour it's as if he were being paid on a piece-rate for the shot. No news from Mrs Dalrymple as yet.
41st over: WICKET - Eng 184-7
McMillan the Destroyer strikes again, Dalrymple lofting a drive straight down Franklin's throat at mid off. You know, I'm almost relieved he's gone. Honestly. It's time for the gloves to come off - what is the point of that man being in the England team? Apologies to Mrs Dalrymple if she's reading, but do feel free to email me an answer.
Email the BBC Sport website and the TMS team on TMS@bbc.co.uk
40th over: Eng 180-6
Dalrymple reverse-sweeps, and Oram - back on after his rib-based injury scare - lets the ball dribble through his legs for four. It's got to that stage of the game.
39th over: Eng 174-6
Dalrymple edges a two and takes two singles in between Nixon's one. I've watched more exciting episodes of Last of the Summer Wine.
38th over: Eng 168-6
Patel back on, and Nixon and Dalrymple edge and nick him away for three singles. In case you're still involved, the run rate required is now 12.4 an over. With the rate over the last five overs being 2.20. Hmmm.
37th over: Eng 165-6
Maiden from McMillan, as Nixon tries every ugly shot in the book and fails with them all.
36th over: WICKET - Eng 162-6
Now it's Flintoff's turn to lamely surrender, missing one from Vettori on middle and leg and turning round to see his bails bouncing. 13 off 22 from England's skipper, and the end is just around the corner. Vettori's taken 2-21 off eight overs. I'll understand if you want to leave now.
35th over: Eng 162-5
Two twos and a single from Freddie. The run rate's now 10.46, and there's less acceleration than at a 2CV convention.
34th over: Eng 157-5
Single to Freddie at the start of Vettori's over, and then it's the Dalrymple show - five dot balls, and at last three close shaves.
33rd over: WICKET - Eng 156-5
It's McMillan's first over of trundlers, and Colly can't handle it - spooning a simple catch round the corner to Fleming. Great captaincy, that - Fleming laid the little trap and Colly fell right into it.
From Richard, TMS inbox: "Look on the bright side, we might come second. This is no mean achievement - Olympic swimmers get gongs for coming third."
32nd over: Eng 153-4
I hope Dalrymple's watching what Vettori's doing here. Just three off the over, and Colly's within a skinny whisker of being stumped.
31st over: Eng 150-4
Bond's bang on the money, and the only runs come from a Collingwood sliced drive. The run rate's now 8.89. No hiding from that stat, is there?
30th over: Eng 148-4
Vettori, head still on his shoulders, pins Colly and Flintoff down to a mere single. The current run rate has dropped just below five an over, with the ask sitting at 8.40 per over. Hmm. To give you an idea of the sort of acceleration England need, Oram scored his last 35 runs off 10 balls. Carumba.
From Andrew Dicken, TMS inbox: "It looks like Phil Bubb's bum is safe."
29th over: Eng 147-4
Shane Bond returns, and Flintoff pulls him away for a couple. On the boundary, the NZ physio is manipulating Daniel Vettori's neck. It looks like he's trying to pull his head off. I'll keep you posted if he succeeds.
From Steve McMurray, TMS inbox: "Apparently Monty's old fella reckons he's a bit of a batter. Put some spandex pants and a cape on him and send him in early."
28th over: WICKET - Eng 136-4
Oh dear - Joyce drops the ball into the leg-side, calls for the single and is beaten by a brilliant diving underarm throw from Lou Vincent. He's gone for 66, made off 82 balls. Forgive my pessimism - I've been up since 3.30am - but I fear for England's chances a fraction now.
27th over: Eng 135-3
Four more to the plucky Joyce as Fulton lets his drive whistle through his legs. Two to new man Colly.
From Mike Parkin, TMS inbox: "My apologies in advance ¿ I am fully aware that this isn¿t Friends Reunited, but is the Phil Bubb who just threatened to bare his backside in Woolies window, the same Phil Bubb that attended Dr Challoner¿s Grammar School? If so, it is my duty to inform you that if he carries out his threat, it wouldn¿t actually be that much of a novelty."
26th over: WICKET - Eng 123-3
Uh-oh - Strauss charges Vettori, is fooled by the flight and is stumped by a delighted McCullum for 12. The ball actually went between Strauss's legs. With the run-rate closing in on eight an over, that wasn't what England needed...
25th over: Eng 123-2
Dramarama - Joyce, enjoying himself on the occasion of his maiden one-day half-century, hoicks Patel to deep midwicket where Oram takes a great tumbling catch - only for a no-ball to be called. Oram lies on the deck in great pain and is then helped off the field, clutching his side. Ouch.
24th over: Eng 116-2
Rock-solid from Vettori - just two singles, and England can't get the spinners away.
From Phil Bubb, TMS inbox: "Has Andy Cole in Cleethorpes been watching for the past two months? If England pull this one off, I'll show my bum in Woolworth's window."
23rd over: Eng 114-2
Two singles off Patel, who's firing them in like a less profligate Dalrymple, and England are just two runs off the New Zealand total at exactly the same stage. With the same number of wickets. And if that doesn't make you excited, a human heart does not beat in your breast.
22nd over: Eng 111-2
Vettori, new 'tache bristling, joins Patel in a spin-twin attack. Two singles apiece to England's lefties. Chris Tremlett watches on from the England balcony, clad only in his England shirt, some white pants and a pair of grey socks. It's a warm evening in Perth, to be fair to him.
21st over: Eng 107-2
Blimey - big escape for Strauss as he gets a thick edge to Patel, only for the ball to miss McCullum's gloves, glance off the 'keeper's pads and wriggle through Fleming's fingers at slip. Strauss puffs out his cheeks.
From Steve Bates, TMS inbox: "Excellent tactical dismissal by Bell. Straus is short of confidence so that was the right time to bring him to the crease - had Bell and Joyce put on all the runs and eased to a handsome victory, it would have done nothing for the individual confidence of their team-mates. Far better to have a steady rotation of batsmen and give everyone a chance to build morale."
20th over: Eng 103-2
Here comes Andrew Strauss. Franklin looks to tuck him up with two extra men close in, but the unfamiliar number four gets off the mark with a scampered three. The pressure's back on.
19th over: WICKET - Eng 99-2
Ian Bell, Ian Bell... Just after thwacking Jeetan Patel for a sweet straight six, Bell gets caught in halfway house and lamely pops a catch straight to Fleming at midwicket. No need for that whatsoever, and he knows it - staring at his feet as he trudges off.
18th over: Eng 92-1
Three singles off Franklin, one no-ball. Unexpected tension mounts.
From Andy Cole in Cleethorpes, TMS inbox: "My upper lip is stiff as an Englishman's should be. When we win today, I hope the surrender monkeys who have sent in defeatist emails can admit their short-sightedness."
17th over: Eng 88-1
Two more to Joyce as the shadows stretch to three-man length. The run-rate's 5.17; 7.0 needed. I can smell the optimism blooming across the land. At least, I think it's optimism - it may be that my colleague Paresh is merely debuting a new cologne this morning.
From Toby Percival, TMS inbox: "With the fire power in the England line-up, this match is ripe for the taking! Fiver anyone?"
16th over: Eng 85-1
Make that three-quarters - Joyce tickles the straying Franklin round the corner for four, strolls a single and then watches Bell click into an off-drive that leaves even the batsman surprised.
From Lawrence Bernstein, TMS inbox: "Reading this at work, am I the only one is thinks we might actually win it? Stay in for 30 overs and then let loose? Straightjacket is being re-fitted as I type."
15th over: Eng 75-1
Joyce has clearly twigged that, with Bell as shaky as jelly in a washing machine, it's down to him to keep things moving. He steps away to slap Oram through cover for four, and then cuts a slower one for four more. Surprised cheers from the England fans at the Waca - at least half are now awake.
14th over: Eng 66-1
Hearts in mouths at the Bell family residence - he slices a drive off Franklin through the in-field, somehow missing the three waiting fielders, and then watches aghast as Franklin spills a pouchable caught-and-bowled. That's his fourth life at least.
From Kerry Davies, TMS inbox: "John, I'll have your Kiwi mate's fiver with bells on."
13th over: Eng 58-1
Bell hits Oram straight for four. You wouldn't call it a hammer blow, but the scoreboard's started moving, anyways. A mere 261 needed.
From Adam Cowley, TMS inbox: "I'm going to buy 11 pocket calculators and donate them to the England team. Clearly they have no idea how many runs an over they need - maybe they are all as inept at maths as they are with bat and ball."
12th over: Eng 52-1
Joyce jousts at Bond, popping him over cover for three and then easing the shot of the innings through midwicket fpr four. Fasten your seatbelts.
From Steve Lowther, TMS inbox: "Funny to see the run rate is at 6.99. I reckon that's what Freddie ordered at the ice cream van."
11th over: Eng 44-1
Chipped two from Bell over midwicket, and then it's block o'clock for the rest of the over. Rock and roll it ain't.
From John Salway, TMS inbox: "Message for my Kiwi mate Bongo - £5 says we make it to 150 today. C'mon - take it..."
10th over: Eng 41-1
After five joyless overs, Bell finally connects, cutting Bond away for four past point. He then tries a big drive and spoons it just shy of cover. The current run rate's 4.13, and the ask is 6.99. Oli - dig the joy out of that stat...
From Costas, Piccadilly Circus, via TMS inbox: "Given that Joyce looks like Adam Ant, will he be able to Stand and Deliver in this innings?"
9th over: Eng 35-1
Jacob Oram replaces Franklin, but it's aas you were on the run-rate - Bell's scratching around and Joyce has misplaced the middle of his bat.
8th over: Eng 33-1
Just one more to the total as Bond ties up Joyce. Joyce grimaces. He's got a wide stripe of white sun-cream across his nose, giving him a touch of the young Adam Ant.
From Oli White, TMS inbox: "It's depressing enough to see the score without your manic-depressive commentary to deal with as well. I've had enough of you."
7th over: Eng 32-1
Franklin keeps it tight. Joyce is taking the occasional step down the pitch, but there's less room to work with than on a rush-hour Tube train.
6th over: Eng 28-1
In comes Ian Bell. Joyce plays out four dotters and then takes the strike with a single. Up on the England balcony, Freddie's tucking into a large ice-cream cone. Paul Nixon's plumped for the sort of round mini-tub you might get at the theatre. Not sure on the respective flavours.
From Chris in Bromley, TMS inbox: "General consensus in my office is NZ should have stopped at 140 ¿ everything after that was just showing off. Our book is currently running so far with a top England innings of 137."
5th over: WICKET - Eng 27-1
Quelle surprise - after clouting Franklin for two fours square, Loye chases a wide one and edges it into Fleming's pouch at first slip.
From Martin Slater, TMS inbox: "Tom, we all know Mal's been playing himself in and will now show the selectors where they've been going wrong in the last ten years. Big hundred coming up. Gulp." Martin, Martin, Martin...
4th over: Eng 17-0
Nice from Joyce, in his little experiment at the top of the knock - he waits on a full one from Bond and guides it through cover for four.
3rd over: Eng 12-0
Told you. Franklin comes in to Joyce and ties him down for the first maiden of the innings. What do we reckon for an England total here - 160? Estimates in the BBC Sport office range from 120 all out to 170-8, with Dalrymple 36 not out off 91 balls. With two fours.
2nd over: Eng 12-0
Anything Oram can do, Mal Loye probably can't do, to be fair. But he has a go, swinging Shane Bond high over midwicket for a massive six. I wouldn't worry, NZ - it won't last.
1st over: Eng 5-0
Here we go - once more into the breach. Although not for long, probably. Ed Joyce edges his first ball through third slip for two and then clips three to leg.
From Robert D. Taylor, TMS inbox: "As a Scot, I find the comments about porridge hard to swallow." Robert - as an Englishman, I just found the BBC porridge hard to swallow. I've eaten tastier gravel.
Email the BBC Sport website and the TMS team on TMS@bbc.co.uk
50th over: NZ 318-7
Sweet Jehovah Brown - Oram mashes into Flintoff, carting him for a straight six, a lofted two, a four over cover and another steepling two. That's his 50 - off just 32 balls. 38 runs off the last two overs. Honestly. Still, let's look on the bright side - the torture is now over for at least half an hour. I'm going to the BBC canteen for a slice of their infamous porridge - after what I've just witnessed, even that tepid stodgefest will come as blessed relief.
49th over: NZ 302-7
That crashing sound you just heard was the wheels coming off England's listing wagon again. Oram eyes up Tremlett and goes four, six, four, six off the first four balls, hitting straight and over midwicket with easy glee. A mere two more off the final two balls and it's 22 off the over, and Tremlett's 10 overs have cost 72 runs. Sigh.
48th over: NZ 280-7
Vettori, lip bristling with his hairy new appendage, pushes Flintoff to third man and watches happily as Tremlett trundles round the ropes with the speed of a sleeping Ashley Giles and fails to cut it off. That should have been a two, max. Lordy. Flintoff kicks the ground. In a rare success for England, he doesn't miss it.
From Adam in Sydney, TMS inbox: "Re 42nd over - I work with Mrs Jim, and she wouldn't say the same about him. After all, he lost his England flag at the Ashes - and she is too busy complaining about the air conditioner he hasn't had fixed yet."
47th over: NZ 270-7
Fun-Time Franklin jousts at Tremlett and lobs it high and straight to Plunkett at mid off. He's gone for nine, and England's mini-fightback splutters along. Mini mini-fightback.
46th over: NZ 263-6
I don't mean to lose my temper - but why is Dalrymple in the England side? On a pitch offering huge turn, he decides to fire the ball in at Oram, is bashed high over mid on for six and then concedes easy singles. Ten off the over; 43 off his five overs. Harumph.
45th over: NZ 253-6
James Franklin chances his arm against Plunkett and gets away with a mis-hit over Tremlett at mid off. Oram, who's in relaxed mood today, chips another mis-hit towards Dalrymple at midwicket, only for the prosaic trundler to mis-judge it completely and fail to get anywhere close to the catch.
From Simon Carroll, Swedish University of Agricultural Science, via TMS inbox: "'Pig's ear' derives from the old proverb 'you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear', which dates from the 16th century."
44th over: WICKET - NZ 246-6
McCullum hoists Monty for a huge six over long on, tries to do the same over cover and is bagged by Andrew Strauss running in from the ropes. Delight for Monty - he does his camp skip celebration, as if he'd just taken the wicket which had won England the series.
43rd over: NZ 237-5
Interesting tactics from Plunkett - he decides to confuses Oram by bolwing every delivery imaginable. The wide one is called a, er, wide, the full toss gets popped off for two and the short long hop goes for two more.
42nd over: NZ 232-5
Seven off Monty's over as Tremlett makes a pig's ear out of fielding McCullum's sweep at fine leg. Not quite sure why a pig's ear is so much worse than the ear of any other farmyard animal, but there you go.
From Jim in Sydney, TMS inbox: "Even if my wife grew a Boonesque moustache in later life, I'd still take her out on a date as she is perfect in every way. Model looks, brilliant personality and yes she's a massive sports fan." Jim - you're a lucky man. But would Mrs Jim say the same about you?
41st over: WICKET - NZ 219-5
Plunkett comes back into the attack, and Vincent clips him straight down Dalrymple's throat at mid on. He won't be happy with that - nothing special about the delivery, and he's gone for 76 of 111 balls.
40th over: NZ 219-4
This could be a key contest - Jacob Oram against The Fredster. Singles only to the cavalier Kiwi so far, although Fred serves up England's 18th wide. Yup, 18th.
39th over: WICKET - NZ 214-4
Monty deserved that - McMillan comes down the pitch, misses with his huge heave and is stumped by a mile. That's him gone for 11, and Monty's got 2-21 off his eight overs. Good lad.
38th over: NZ 212-3
Fred has a similar lack of luck, keeping it tight only to see McMillan edge him away for four. Talking of 'taches, Daniel Vettori is sporting a fresh Border on his upper lip.
37th over: NZ 206-3
Brilliant over from Monty - tantalising twirler after tantalising twirler beats Vincent, and then a desperate edge off the last ball eludes Motormouth Nixon and races away for four.
From Steve Barlow in Perth, TMS inbox: "Even if the girl looks like a caffeine-addled sparrow, I would suggest it is better than watching this miserable lot."
36th over: NZ 202-3
Better from Freddie - just a tickle to leg and a leg bye.
Re Jim's notion about a date with a Boon lookalikey woman, how attractive would a girl have to be in every other respect for you to go out with her if she had a Boonesque moustache? To clarify, she'd be perfect in every single way - model looks, joyous personality, massive sports fan - except she'd have a big, bushy 'tache. Which she'd refuse to shave off.
35th over: NZ 200-3
Craig McMillan strolls to the crease and cracks Tremlett back past him for four. That'll be the brakes not going on, then.
34th over: WICKET - NZ 194-3
One ball after being battered over midwicket for six, Colly holds back another one and Taylor hoicks him high, high, high to long on - where Monty takes a steepler. A wicket at last, and Taylor's gone for a swashbuckling 71. 137 runs in the partnership.
33rd over: NZ 183-2
It's slap o'clock at the Waca - Taylor belts Tremlett for two ugly but super-effective boundaries, one over point and one tennis-smashed through midwicket. Could we be looking at a total of 350?
From Jim Pearce, TMS inbox: "I think a date with a David Boon lookalike would offer more pleasure than watching England at the moment."
32nd over: NZ 172-2
Better from Colly - he holds a couple back, and the near-negative pace fools Taylor into two massive missed mows. Time for a drinks break.
31st over: NZ 169-2
Towering Tremlett returns to the fray, all sideburns and cheekbones, and bowls England's 14th wide. Vincent and Taylor then take a single apiece.
From John Gamgee, TMS inbox: "I've just put sparrow + caffeine + straw into my Google search and come up with the following: 'Straw man fallacy at Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster'."
Maybe flying spaghetti monsters could be the answer to dwindling church attendances, John.
30th over: NZ 166-2
This is too easy. Vincent pops Colly over the in-field twice for simple twos - but then again my mum could probably pop twos off this bowling. And she hasn't batted since playing French cricket on Tenby beach in late summer 1984.
29th over: NZ 160-2
Now it's Taylor's turn to get his half ton, a nudge fine bringing it up off just 64 balls. Dalrymple then gets reverse-swept by Vincent for four, and his four overs have cost 33 runs. Ugly business.
From Greg Palmer in Sydney, TMS inbox: "I have found that sparrows will best take caffeine in pellet form by crushing up Pro-Plus."
28th over: NZ 148-2
Vincent gets his 50 with a lofted drive for two and a cheeky edge to third man. Good knock that - it's taken him 73 balls, and the platform is officially in place.
From David Linsell in Sydney, TMS inbox: "Re Simon, 23rd over ¿ unless the girl looks like David Boon, give your tickets to a mate and take the girl somewhere as far from the SCG as possible."
27th over: NZ 143-2
Dalrymple has now gone for 21 off his three overs - he's getting some turn, but because it's from off to leg the right-handers can keep working him away quite happily. Barry - there's not a lot of chat that makes sense, if I'm honest...
26th over: NZ 139-2
And it's the same again off Collingwood - five runs nicked, and the run rate stays above five. Barry H - I'll get on Google and see what comes up for "sparrow", "caffeine" and "straw".
25th over: NZ 134-2
Good one-day batting from Vincent and Taylor, who are both sitting comfortably on 43 not out - there's turn there for 'Rympers, but they nudge and push eight off the bat and accept a wide with grace.
From Barry Harwood, TMS inbox: "How do you get the sparrow to take the caffeine? Presumably they can¿t drink it through a straw."
24th over: NZ 125-2
The thrills of Dalrymple clearly weren't enough - Freddie brings Collingwood on. Vincent helps himself for two twos after Monty saves a boundary at fine leg off Taylor with a spot of fielding that would have made Jonty Rhodes proud.
23rd over: NZ 118-2
Monty's turning it square, if that wasn't technically impossible. Just a single from Taylor after a big-spinning wide opens us up.
From Simon, TMS inbox: "I have been offered tickets for the one-dayer at the SCG on Friday but have made tentative plans for a date with an Aussie girl I have started seeing. Do I re-arrange the date on the off-chance England upset the form book and provide a solitary ray of sunshine in an otherwise bleak summer for Poms in Australia, or do I abandon hope and go on the date? PS She doesn't like cricket, so I can't combine the two."
22nd over: NZ 116-2
Hold on to your seats - Jamie Dalrymple's having a twirl. Vincent pops a single to leg, the next ball turns down leg for a wide and then Taylor cracks one through square for four to move on to 35. Nixon watches with his cave-like mouth wide open.
21st over: NZ 107-2
Nice from Monty - another maiden, and Taylor gets lucky when umpire Steve Davis refuses to refer a possible stumping to the man upstairs. By which I mean the third umpire, not God.
20th over: NZ 107-2
Vincent, who'd been quite happy to relax with his anchor down while Taylor lit small fireworks, joins the party with two fours smashed back past Freddie. He then tries to do the same through extra cover, belts it hard and straight to Bell and sees the England man spill a hugely snaggable chance.
19th over: NZ 99-2
Taylor waits nicely for a tossed-up one from Monty and drives him through mid on for four more. Chirp chirp chirp goes Nixon, much like a sparrow on caffeine.
18th over: NZ 95-2
Freddie looks bemused - he doesn't bowl a bad ball, but Taylor and Vincent work him here and there for five more.
17th over: NZ 90-2
Maiden from Monty, and big cheers from the England fans toasting on the grassy mounds.
Email the BBC Sport website and the TMS team on TMS@bbc.co.uk
16th over: NZ 90-2
New Zealand continue to rattle along without really taking too many risks - another casually classy drive from Taylor of Flintoff brings up four, and a little push to leg earns two more. Should only have been one there, but Dalrymple and Joyce moved like men in a dream. Or nightmare.
15th over: NZ 84-2
All sorts of chirpy motivational chat from Paul Nixon behind the stumps, none of which prevents Monty dropping short and Vincent cracking him through cover for a sweet four.
14th over: NZ 78-2
Freddie goes too short, and Champagne Taylor leans back to slap him over midwicket for four. If you thought you saw New Zealand re-gain a wicket for a few overs there, apologies - I was thinking about my breakfast.
13th over: NZ 74-2
Monty on for a twirl, and he finds turn from the word go - beating Taylor with a very cheeky off-break. Could be some joy for him here.
12th over: NZ 71-2
Freddie brings himself into the attack, and Taylor - who always looks like a champagne player in the making - flicks him to fine leg for four. David Peck - I seem to remember there's a little shop in Dunedin, just down the hill from that main roundabout on top of the hill, which sells laughing-gas at a very reasonable rate. Just in case things get desperate in the office.
11th over: NZ 66-2
Plunkett's been unlucky here - Vincent has a swipe and edges just over first slip for four.
From David Peck, TMS inbox: "An utterly meaningless one-day biff-boff? You clearly don't work with a bunch of Kiwis in Dunedin."
10th over: NZ 58-2
Mixed bag from Tremmers - a wide and leg-bye, but also a couple of nice ones just short of a length which have Ross Taylor groping like a lecherous boss at a Christmas party.
From Alan Broach in Moscow, TMS inbox: "It's 7.40am here, -14C with a wind chill that could numb vital organs for ever and I have to go to an office full of horribly happy Aussies - so stop moaning."
9th over: WICKET - NZ 54-2
He can use the right one to scratch his nose too now - one ball after Andrew Flintoff just fails to pouch a Fulton mis-hit at mid on, Plunkett skids in an away-nibbler and Fulton edges to the diving Nixon.
8th over: NZ 47-1
Fulton flips and clips his way on to nine, although he's so bottom-hand he might as well use the left one to scratch his nose.
7th over: NZ 39-1
Zut alors - Ian Bell gathers Fulton's back-foot drive at cover, needlessly has a pop at the stumps at the bowler's end and then watches aghast as the ball disappears for four overthrows. Plunkett sinks to the ground and puts his hand over his eyes. I know how he feels.
6th over: NZ 34-1
Peter Fulton - "Two-Metre Peter" to his mates - strides to the crease. Tremlett keeps him on his toes, and there's only a couple of singles. Re Lou Vincent - could simply be a derivation of Louis, of course.
5th over: WICKET - NZ 32-1
Wallop - just after Fleming slaps Plunkett through midwicket for two fours, he misses a pitched-up in-wobbler and umpire Asad Rauf raises the finger. England strike, which is probably just as well considering the way the scoreboard's been battering along.
4th over: NZ 23-0
Better from Son of Tim - just the one wide, and Lou can't get him away. If you're wondering why a man would be called Lou, the name is apparently of German origin. Sounds a bit girly to be Teutonic, if you ask me.
3rd over: NZ 22-0
Lou Vincent - who should be a grizzled country singer from Alabama with a name like that - clips Plunkett through midwicket for an eye-pleaser of a four. Just the five extras so far - excellent work, England.
2nd over: NZ 15-0
Towering Chris Tremlett into the attack. I say attack - more of an offering, really. Stephen Fleming clips him to fine leg for four, nods a thanks for a wide and then jumps in for a two and single.
1st over: NZ 5-0
Liam Plunkett opens up - with a monstrous wide. He gets away with another one and then gets flicked away by Lou Vincent over square for a brace. Sunny and warm in Perth, dark and cold in Shepherd's Bush.
0420 GMT: I tell you what - you haven't experienced true joy until you've woken up at 3.30am and cycled through the dark, cold, deserted streets of London to get to work just so you can watch Jamie Dalrymple and the boys get busy against New Zealand in an utterly meaningless one-day biff-boff.
Match starts 0430 GMT
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