FIRST ONE-DAY INTERNATIONAL, Lord's:
England 225 (49.5 overs) bt West Indies 146 all out (39.5 overs) by 79 runs
England took the first one-day match of the series after dismissing West Indies for 146 to win by 79 runs at Lord's.
They struggled after being put in on an overcast morning, a fiery Fidel Edwards with 5-45, but Ian Bell made a gritty 56 and Owais Shah hit four fours in 42.
Defending a total of 225, England soon seized control as James Anderson struck twice in two balls and Stuart Broad also took two wickets in an over.
Shivnarine Chanderpaul was not out with a typically adhesive 47th ODI fifty.
LATEST ACTION AS IT HAPPENS (ALL TIMES BST)
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WEST INDIES INNINGS
39th over - WICKET: Edwards run out (Anderson) 1, WI 146 all out
Colly's had enough of this and he's going to have a bowl. Chanderpaul slices Plunkett down to third-man, and Bell limits him to just the single - work for Edwards to do. Bumper from Collingwood, and it has Edwards hopping. Edwards goes for a big smear over Cow Corner, but the batsmen hesitate, Anderson delivers the throw and Edwards is run out. Easy win for England, pretty poor from the tourists to be honest - except, of course, for little man Shiv.
38th over - WI 144-9 Edwards gets off strike with a clip to leg before Chanderpaul slaps Broad to the wide long-on fence - he certainly hasn't given up hope and that's his 47th ODI fifty. Chanderpaul tucks Broad away for one before Edwards tries and expansive drive - and misses. Broad and Edwards have a bit of previous, of course, the latter making the former look a bit silly earlier on.
"If I grow a beard, it also has a hint of ginger. I let it grow properly once, but had to shave it off when one of my mates said I looked like a skinny version of the Honey Monster!"
David Pearce, Buenos Aires, in the TMS inbox
37th over - WI Slow handclapping now at Lord's, but there's not much Shiv can do about it. He does pick up one with a sweet-looking cover-drive. Edwards then has to negotiate the rest of Broad's over, which he manages to do. Sarah, Bucks and Sarah, Canterbury are so keen that you don't think they are the same person that they've asked me to post their pictures.
36th over - WI 137-9 Edwards gets off strike before Chanderpaul picks up one with a whip to mid-wicket from the fifth ball of the over. Edwards blocks Panesar's final delivery. Sir Vivian Richards is leaving the building, and apparently he's on his way back to Antigua - what a guy.
"What is it about beards having a hint of ginger? I came back from Glastonbury and me chops were brown but my chin was ginger, and I swear it wasn't just the mud."
Rich, Anglesey, in the TMS inbox
35th over - WICKET: Rampaul c Broad b Plunkett 24, WI 135-9
There is a man at my work who keeps coming up to me and doing Henry Cooper impressions. How can I make him stop without appearing impolite? Rampaul's gone! The left-hander spoons Plunkett up to Broad at mid-off - that was a dolly. Fiddle is the last man in, Chanderpaul sees out the over.
34th over - WI 135-8 Chanderpaul is going to have to start doing more than nurdling and hit a few boundaries - run a ball would be good enough at the moment, but I can't see Rampaul sticking around for long. The crowd is thinning out as the batsmen exchange a single apiece.
33rd over - WI 132-8 Plunkers has bowled pretty decent today, as Chanderpaul tucks him away for a single. Rampaul picks up one with a square-drive before Limpet Boy flicks the final ball down to third-man to nick the strike.
"I think that Sarah from Bucks and Sarah from Canterbury are the same person. I have never seen them together."
Robin, Toronto, in the TMS inbox
"It would have been more ridiculous if he had said Fran Cotton! (see below)"
Colin Davies in the TMS inbox
32nd over - WI 130-8 Just two from Monty's over, a single apiece, and the players have a drink.
31st over - WI 128-8 Rampaul picks up a single before we get a glimpse of the old Plunkett, a huge leg-side wide. Chanderpaul neatly clips Plunkers off his hip for one - Shiv is now on 44.
"I would e-mail in to say myself and Sarah Bucks were something of a tag team but I fear that would give all the men reading inappropriate visions of women wrestling...so I won't." Sarah, Canterbury, in the TMS inbox
"I would e-mail in to say myself and Sarah Canterbury were something of a tag team but I fear that would give all the men reading inappropriate visions of women wrestling...so I won't."
Sarah, Bucks, in the TMS inbox
30th over - WI 125-8 Mascarenhas gets one past Rampaul's outside edge, but between the airy wafts, Rampaul has some shots - classic off-drive for four as he moves to 21. Apparently Brian Lara rates this boy highly, and he should know.
"To Jimmy Ashdown (see below) - I haven't got a beard now, but I did grow one some years ago. It had a hint of ginger in it and the wife claimed it smelt like butter, so I shaved it off."
John Beards, Rugby, in the TMS inbox
29th over - WI 120-8 Chanderpaul drops and runs for one. Ambitious from Rampaul and Anderson beats his waft outside off-stump, but Rampaul does pick up one with a push to point. A colleague has just asked a very frank question: would I like to kiss Claudia Winkleman or Fearne Cotton? What a ridiculous query...
28th over - WI 117-8 Rampaul goes macho, slamming Panesar over wide long-on for four. Good hit that, Rampaul's not as bad as his stats suggest. Monty gives it some flight and Rampaul fences at it...just a matter of time now...
27th over - WI 112-8 Too straight from Anderson and Rampaul tickles him round the corner for one. Jimmy gets one past Chanderpaul's outside edge - twice - and it just requires a little nudge for this Windies innings to be over. Blue skies at Lord's - what is wrong with these weather people? That said it was going to rod it down all day.
"If John (see over 15) wants to sue the Chuckle Brothers under the trade descriptions act, I hope he has a beard, otherwise they might counter-sue."
Jimmy Ashdown in the TMS inbox
26th over - WI 111-8 Monty gives it a rip and beats Rampaul on the inside. Two for Rampaul with a dab to point before he gives it some hammer, slog-sweeping Monty over mid-wicket for four. "Who is in charge here, Sarah from Bucks or Sarah from Canterbury?" says Peter from Worcester. What a liberty...
25th over - WI 104-8 Rampaul square-drives Broad for one and Chanderpaul takes stock. Not sure what he's going to do now, Rampaul's batting stats don't look too clever.
"I'm sorry, but the sight of Prince William singing along clapping to Nelly Furtado 'I'm like a bird' is absolutely hilarious. He's almost human! Rejoice!"
Andy in the TMS inbox
24th over - WICKET: Powell lbw b Panesar 1, WI 100-8
Off goes Monty, hopping about and high-fiving everyone in sight like an American high-school student who's just received particularly good exam results - Powell trapped plumb in front, the end is nigh...
23rd over - WI 99-7 Chanderpaul glides Broad to backward point for a single and England tighten their stranglehold.
22nd over - WI 98-7 Lord's erupts and we all know what that means. No, John Major hasn't dropped his strides, but Monty Panesar is going to have a bowl. Chanderpaul paddles him to backward square for one. A chance, but Limpet Boy clings on as Prior fails to take a tough chance with the gloves.
21st over - WICKET: Dw Smith c Prior b Broad 6, WI 92-7 Full-bunger from Broad and Smith flogs him through wide long-on for four - but what a comeback from the Leicestershire seamer, getting the ball to nip back and take Smith's inside edge. Three wickets for Broad, West Indies rubbered. Powell is their number eight.
20th over - WI 88-6 Smith angles his bat and picks up one to third-man. Doozy of a shot from Chanderpaul, showing Mascarenhas the maker's name and timing him through long-on for four. As long as Chanderpaul is clinging on, the tourists have a chance.
"You like women who smoke because of your fear of commitment. You know they will have a heart attack or get cancer, so there's no sense of permanence or fear of a possible future together."
Morbid Medic in the TMS inbox
19th over - WI 83-6 Chanderpaul chops Broad backward of point for a couple - good sliding stop from Mascar. One more for Limpet Boy, turning Broad round the corner for one.
"I think that you like women who smoke because something about their smokery suggests that they are absolute...sorry, I can't say it..."
Simon Brett in the TMS inbox
Les, whilst I cannot claim to be Sarah of Bucks (nor a Sarah of any other stripe), a female hand with long pointy red fingernails picked up a ring that I found slightly reminiscent of a cheap plastic childs' plaything.
18th over - WI 79-6 Chanderpaul rocks back and carves Mascarenhas through point for four and the Hampshire all-rounder is tucked away for a single. Not really a sci-fi man myself, although Barbarella ticked a few boxes.
"For Les in Chesterfield. A woman's hand picked up the Master's ring at the end of Doctor Who. Possibly his wife, Lucy, but we don't know. There were another couple of scenes after that, with Martha saying farewell to the Doctor and him taking off, only to be hit by something, which smashed into the TARDIS. A lifebelt landed, the Doctor turned it over and it had The Titanic on it..."
Andi, Bristol, in the TMS inbox
17th over - WICKET: Ramdin b Broad 0, WI 74-6
Ramdin-a-ding-dong - Broad gets one to seam in and stay low and the wicket-keper loses his off-stump. West Indies are in a whole world of trouble.
Re: liking women who smoke. Perhaps you've got a secret crush on Patty and Selma Bouvier, Marge's lovely sisters off of the Simpsons?"
Sarah, Bucks, in the TMS inbox
17th over - WICKET: Bravo c Prior b Broad 29, WI 74-5
Bravo moves to 27 with a twirl to third-man for two, but he's gone next ball, Broad getting one to nip up the slope and catch the edge. Bravo doesn't wait for the finger, he's one of life's walkers.
"I'm so bored that I've just registered my interest in going to the Spice Girls concert. It should be a laugh though, and I still remember all the words to their songs. How cool am I!?"
Ham, Ilford (yes, I will be joining the stalkers below), in the TMS inbox
16th over - WI 68-4 Mascarenhas is on to bowl his first over in ODIs. Bravo whips him away for one before Chanderpaul nicks a single to point. One more for Bravo to third-man and it's those 'absorbing' middle overs again. Attractive cover-drive from Chanderpaul, but only one for it, and Bravo pushes for a couple of leg-byes. That's drinks - no-one answered my earlier question - why is it that I like women who smoke?
15th over - WI 65-4 Chanderpaul pushes Broad to point for one. The young pacemen angles one into Bravo's pads and gives up four leg-byes. One more for Bravo with a glide down to third-man.
"I've always found The Chuckle Brothers a scary pair. And surely they can be sued under the trades description act?"
John Beards, Rugby, in the TMS inbox
14th over - WI 60-4 Bravo gets up on tippy-toes and fends Plunkett to a vacant square-leg for one. Plunkers drags one down and Chanderpaul, eyes like saucers, swivels and flogs him away for four. It's all glitz and glamour in the Lord's pavillion - there's John Major!
"For Sarah of Bucks: My recorder stopped just short of the end of Dr Who - what was picked up and by whom at the very end? If you cannot help I will have to miss the cricket highlights later."
Les, Chesterfield, in the TMS inbox
13th over - WI 53-4 Broad into the attack and Chanderpaul drops him into the off-side for one. Apologies for over 10 - I leave someone to fill in for an over while I have a comfort break and he nauses it up. Four leg-byes, Broad straying down the leg-side, adn Bravo pushes a single into the covers.
12th over - WI 47-4 Plunkers drops short and Chanderpaul yanks him round the corner for four. England will not rest until the little man is back in the pavillion. One more for Shiv with a turn of the wrists and Bravo bags a brace with a work to mid-wicket.
"The last time I saw a face as big as Simon Le Bon's, it was on the genetically-challenged Andre the Giant."
Frank, Epping, in the TMS inbox
11th over - WI 40-4 Anderson is larrupped through point by Bravo for four and he follows up with another boundary through mid-wicket courtesy of some divine timing. The right-hander looks it very decent nick. I just glimpsed over at my colleague's TV and said "is that Stuart Hall?" It was actually Dennis Hopper - is that the most rubbish piece of identification ever?
10th over - WI 31-4 Plunkett continues and Bravo drives uppishly through the off side for four second ball before pinching a single with a dab to the leg side late in the over. Alec Stewart on TMS is unconvinced by Bravo, who only has one century and two half-centuries in ODIs, but England will consider his a key wicket this afternoon, I'm sure. A no-ball finishes the over.
"Re: Candida and blokes on kids TV. Have you ever seen the guys who present Tikkabilla on CBeebies? Now they are scary! There.s one guy who has been on there for years and he gets even creepier as he gets older. And as for the guy with the dreads...well take a look for yourself....and dont ask me why I know all this!"
Antony, Kent, in the TMS inbox
9th over - WI 25-4 Anderson gets one past Chanderpaul's outside edge but the little nugget does pick up a couple with a flick off his pads.
8th over - WI 23-4 Two from Plunkers's over, a push into the covers from Bravo. If this was a boxing match, West Indies would be covering up in the corner under a hail of blows. Can Chanderpaul and Bravo summon up a bit of rope-a-dope? If you don't know anything about Muhammad Ali, you will have no idea what I'm talking about, but that's what google is there for...
"I don't know what's more painful, watching the parents 'bop' to Duran Duran or the Windies try to bat."
Dre, London, in the TMS inbox
7th over - WI 21-4 Teaser from Anderson and the Lancashire man is serving it up like Richard Hadlee in his pomp. Chanderpaul nibbles at a teaser outside off-stump, but he does pick up a couple with a tuck off his pads.
6th over - WICKET: De Smith run out (Anderson) 4, WI 13-4
The Windies are imploding here - Smith turns blind for a second run and is beaten home by Anderson's throw from deep third-man. West Indies worst ever total is 54, against England it's 127 (St Vincent, 1981) - England were all out for 125...you can't keep Jimmy out of the action today - here he is diving full length at long-leg and not saving four, Bravo with the runs.
5th over - WICKET: Samuels c Prior b Anderson 0, 12-3
Anderson's on a ruddy hat-trick and it's raining ducks! Strange from Samuels, dropping his hands and gloving the ball to Prior behind the stumps. In comes Jimmy...and Chanderpaul offers no stroke. Double-wicket maiden, and the tourists are "well out of their manor"...
5th over - WICKET: Morton b Anderson 0, WI 12-2
Smith and Morton push hard for three runs when there should have only been two. Duran Duran have taken to the stage at Wembley! Le Bon - how on earth did he bag Yasmin? Sorry, forgot about the yacht, colonial mansion in St Lucia and 38 cars. Morton comes a cropper and out comes the duck graphic - Morton driving loosely an Anderson making a mess of his stumps. You could have driven a Hillman Avenger through that gate.
"I am happily opening my second packet of cigs today, and no jack-booted Government goon is going to stop me."
Doug (address witheld) in the TMS inbox
4th over - WICKET: Gayle c Broad b Plunkett 6, WI 9-1
Plunkers makes the breakthrough, Gayle flicking a leg-side delivery down Broad's throat at long-leg. A colleague has just revealed he once appeared in a Dear Deidre Casebook in The Sun. For some reason, he doesn't appear embarrassed. The manic Runako Morton is the new man at the crease.
3rd over - WI 9-0 Gayle smears Anderson through the covers for his first boundary, but he's otherwise struggling with his timing. Anderson gets one past the edge of his bat, the ball pitching and nibbling away off the seam. The big left-hander does pick up a single with a push into the covers.
"Matthew from Jarrow is actually distantly related to Jimmy Saville. I like to remind him of this every so often, so it would be nice to do this through the medium of live text cricket commentary, as this remains a box unticked."
Chris Coyne in the TMS inbox
2nd over - WI 4-0 Smith is off the mark with an outside edge down to third-man - peach from Plunkett, getting the ball to rear off a length and catch the shoulder of the bat. Gayle picks up a single before Plunkers has a big lbw appeal turned down by umpire Llong. Whoops-a-daisy, Martin Hayesy - Monty fails to field an ugly smear from Gayle at mid-on and the batsman runs up a couple.
"As for blokes on kids' telly, I find it quite disturbing that a whole generation was brought up with a Saturday morning double act of Noel Edmonds and Keith Chegwin."
Candida in the TMS inbox
1st over - WI 0-0 Anderson will have first bung and I think we all know how CH Gayle is going to approach this. That said, it's six dot balls first up and the Lancashire paceman is getting the ball to nibble a bit.
"Ben, I see that you didn't get that detention for being late then. A suitable punishment would have been a lunchtime detention spent writing lines commentating on the interval Kwik cricket game, then being allowed to join the canteen queue at the end when the turkey twizzlers have gone cold..."
Chris, Stevenage (another one), in the TMS inbox
1549: Players are in place and we are about to begin...
1525: I'm off for some munch, see you in a while...
"This is a bit rubbish, yup. Shocking run-out to end the innings there. I've resorted to watching last night's Doctor Who now. Let's hope the bowlers do the business after the break."
Sarah, Bucks, in the TMS inbox
"I have been a non smoker for six months now and am somewhat dissapointed that I can't have a cheeky passive smoke when I nip down the pub any more. I am currently in the process of writing to Amnesty, it's my right to passively smoke if I want to."
Dave Crawford in the TMS inbox
50th over - WICKET: Shah run out 42, Eng 225 all out
Rancid delivery from Bravo, straying down leg and Shah tickling him away for four. Shah chips Bravo to long-on for a couple and bags another brace to mid-on. A throw to the wicket-keeper from Chanderpaul and Shah may have been toast. But England have commited the cardinal sin of not batting out their overs, Anderson running after missing with a swipe and Ramdin throwing the down the stumps.
49th over - WICKET: Panesar lbw b Rampaul 1, Eng 216-9
Panesar rocks back to a Rampaul delivery and chips him to cover for one. The crowd react as if he's just scored his hundreth hundred. Rampaul almost rips out Shah's leg stump...and umpire Llong signals wide. Harsh. Monty goes for a Big Bertha over Cow Corner and misses and he's gone next ball, trapped plumb in front.
"This is a bit rubbish from England really, isn't it?!"
Sarah, Canterbury, in the TMS inbox
48th over - WICKET: Broad c Ramdin b Edwards 0, Eng 210-8
Broad has an almighty swish at an Edwards delivery before strolling down the track and getting in the Leicestershire man's face. Broad has a few words back, he would have been able to tell what Fidel had for dinner last night. Edwards gets Broad hopping with a rapid bumper and Broad is gone next ball, nibbling at one outside off-peg and Ramding taking the catch. That's classic fast bowling from Edwards - he did the big man up like a kipper and that's five wickets for the paceman. Monty is the new man, and the Lord's faithful go crazy - he survives the over.
48th over - WICKET: Plunkett c Ramdin b Edwards 4, Eng 209-7
England's innings is turning into something of a damp squib - Plunkers is out, attempting to hook Edwards and feathering a catch to Ramdin behind the stumps. In the office, we're talking about men you used to get on kid's TV than you wouldn't nowadays. Jimmy Saville springs to mind.
"On the subject of Two Pints, I was surprised to find on moving to Dubai, that BBC Prime, that great instrument of British foreign policy, was showing this programme on continuous loop. No wonder our reputation in the Middle East is suffering somewhat at the moment."
Alistair, Dubai, in the TMS inbox
47th over - Eng 209-6 Oh, selector...wristy square-cut from Shah that races away for four. If I could go to bed with any shot today, I'd choose that one. That's England's 200. Plunkett is off the mark with a chip to backward point before the Durham man drives through wide long-off for a couple. We need some serious long handle in the last few overs...
"I am the creator of the Facebook group 'The Test Match Special (TMS) Appreciation Association'. We are celebrating passing 1,000 members this week. Please can you raise awareness of the group by showing this email?"
William Howarth in the TMS inbox
46th over - WICKET: Mascarenhas b Edwards 2, Eng 199-6 Rib music from Edwards, and Mascarenhas doesn't look too comfortable in fending that off. The Hampshire man does pick up a single with a flick to leg. Fairy Liquid hands from Shah, tickling a leg-side delivery from Edwards to the long-leg fence. Shah nudges for a single into the covers to move to 25. But Edwards cleans Mascar up, dredging up another inswinging yorker, a la Darren Gough, and making a mess of batsman's stumps.
"Twenty20 cricket is too short. What about the poor people who have work/school/other arrangements when it's on? It's pretty much guaranteed to be over when you're back, whereas you can jump right back in in ODIs."
Chloe, St Helens, in the TMS inbox
45th over - Eng 192-5 Shah picks up first boundary off the bat since the 30th over, latching onto a short one from Powell and flogging over mid-wicket for four. Mascarenhas is the new batsman and he's beaten by a pearler from Powell. Big lbw appeal from Powell, but the umpire's having none of it.
"Well, I never expected to pick up tips for ways to amuse myself at work during the match. However, I shall be selecting an ugly child to take a note to a colleague tomorrow. It has the added bonus that either they don't look at the note and are therefore unaware on my slight on their looks, or that they do look, but can't possibly say anything because they shouldn't have looked..."
Hannah, Tunbridge Wells, in the TMS inbox
44th over - WICKET: Collingwood b Edwards 5, Eng 186-5
News of the French Grand Prix, Lewis Hamilton...YESSSS! Got you, Sally in Slippery Rock, USA - don't worry, I won't tell you who won it. Got to be honest, I'm not really a motorsport man, although I used to like Barry Sheene as a boy. Colly fends Edwards down to third-man for two before digging out a yorker and picking up one. But that's the skipper gone, Edwards pegging back his off-stump with a full-length delivery.
"Regarding the smoking ban today. Why don't we go one step further and alienate smokers even more by making them wear illuminous-coloured t-shirts saying 'I'm a dirty smoker'? As a non smoker, I think this would be very funny."
Michael, South Shields, in the TMS inbox
43rd over - Eng 182-4 Right, players are back out and we'll have play in a minute...just one single from the final two balls of the over, a Collingwood clip off his pads.
"I think that the only reason British people think that Twenty20 cricket will replace 50 over cricket is that England are awful at the latter."
Alex Longley in the TMS inbox
1430: The covers are off at Lord's and we'll have play again in 10 minutes. The good news is it looks very sunny indeed. Still a 30 minute interval...
"Our Maths teacher was none other than Horace Brearley, Mike's father and himself a useful cricketer. If Mike went into bat during his lesson, he would take us off to the TV room to watch. This usually lasted about two and a half minutes before Mike got himself out."
Michael in the TMS inbox
1425: Shall we talk about cricket? This Twenty20 lark - will it end up replacing 50-over cricket eventually?
"I used to have a history teacher called Father Blundell when I was at Wimbledon College in the early 1980s. He was a lovely chap, but was at least 25 stone, wore a dirty great brown raincoat at all times, used to dribble a bit and was generally an object of ridicule, poor chap. During a lesson once, he caugh John D'Aprano reading a novel. Father Blundell threw a double desk at him, which is no mean feat. Fortunately for D'Aprano he just missed."
Jude Burcombe in the TMS inbox
"Re: Two Pints. I've never encountered anyone who likes it. You work at the BBC, please make it stop."
Nadia in the TMS inbox
"I have just read that Frank Lampard and John Terry's contract negotiations have hit problems over 'image rights'. Can't imagine Ian Dowie or Peter Beardsley had that problem!"
Chris, Stevenage, in the TMS inbox
"Regarding Matthew from Jarrow's message: I constantly found myself taking notes to other teachers and now fear the worst."
Richard, Howden, in the TMS inbox
1417: Covers are still on at Lord's, but it's looking brighter. If it's any help, in White City, a few miles down the road, we have blue sky.
1415: Question one: Has anyone ever watched Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps? Question two: Why is it still on our screens? More news on women wooing - I was in a club talking to a couple last week when my mate 'bowled' over like he owned the place and said, "alright sugar?" One of the girls went "yes thanks", and my mate said, "not you, the other lump." They left shortly after.
"My mate is a teacher, and has been known to make a pupil take a note to another teacher which reads: 'This is my ugliest child, send yours through with a note'. He's still employed, somehow."
Matthew, Jarrow, in the TMS inbox
"My favourite school punishment was dealt out by one of my sister's teachers, who made a boy walk up and down the corridor during a lesson saying 'beep'. My sis said you could hear him fading away and coming back again..."
Ray, Glastonbury, in the TMS inbox
1355: Alec Stewart and Angus Fraser are having a proper ding-dong on TMS - why don't you have a listen? I watched a man lose lots of money playing internet poker last night - did anyone have a more depressing evening?
"I found having a blackboard rubber bounced off the old swede after turning around to talk to mates behind me a fine deterrent..."
Steve in the TMS inbox
"Is that Candida (see below), as in Candida Doyle, the Pulp keyboard player? Different Class was a great album..."
Ben, Swindon, in the TMS inbox
"To Patric (see below), regret waitressing skills probably not up to standard. Now if you were waiting on my every whim, that might be different..."
Sarah, Canterbury, in the TMS inbox
1349: I spoke too soon - it's rodding down at Lord's...
"Detentions for flatulence anyone? The funny thing is, when it happened to me, I was in an exam and the teacher justified it by saying I was 'communicating'."
TDR, Sandhurst, in the TMS inbox
1345: Just spitting at Lord's, so we shouldn't lose too much play. Regarding school punishments, I had a PE teacher who used to make people run round the fields in their smalls if they brought in the incorrect kit. Imagine our surprise when we discovered he'd been done for sex offences years later...
Re: School punishments. The geography teacher at my secondary school used to take a more creative approach to class discipline than mere detention. On one occasion, I was rapped on the bridge of the nose with a steel Parker pen for talking in class. On another, the same misdemeanour earned me a crack on the shins with a hockey stick (kept specially in his classroom for the purpose)."
Kerry (male) in the TMS inbox
43rd over - Eng 181-4 Collingwood drops Powell into the leg-side for one before Shah picks up a couple with a flick off his toes down to long-leg. The bad news is we have rain and the players are off, the good new is I have never used the rain graphic before and am about to do so...
"I wonder what Eddie Hemmings and Mike Gatting would look like in 'skins'?"
Alec Stewart on TMS
42nd over - WICKET: Bell run out 56, Eng 177-4 Samuels, quite frankly, is a text commentator's nightmare, I've never know anyone to bowl his overs so quickly. A couple of singles before Shah collects two to third-man. But Belly has gone, Shah carving Samuels into the off-side, sending Bell back, and the Warwcikshire man finding himself run out by yards.
41st over - Eng 173-3 Bell picks up a couple with a tickle down to long-leg before moving to his 11th ODI fifty with a dab to third-man for a couple. The Warwickshire man unfurls a classic cover-drive for a few, despite fine fielding from Bravo, who runs 30 metres down to long-off before slinging in a fizzing throw - but Bell has just made his ground. Shah picks up a single and there's two more for Bell with a clip through mid-wicket.
"It's a bit weird conducting an email conversation which is entirely one-sided and with a person I don't even know. And yet, strangely liberating..."
Candida in the TMS inbox
40th over - Eng 163-3 Shah rocks back to Samuels and carves him away for a single, he and Bell bump stomachs in the middle. Bell nudges a single before Shah picks up another one with a flick to leg. Two more for Shah with a guide to third-man. Samuels is fairly rattling through his overs here.
39th over - Eng 157-3 Shah loses one in the flight, Bravo serving up a slower delivery and just missing the MIddlesex man's off-peg. Scruffy from Ramdin and the balls dribbles away for the first boundary since over 30. Shah picks up one more with a push into the covers. We are discussing CH Gayle's 'pulling' technique in the office. I'd wager he stands with his back to the bar, arms spread behind him and within seconds, has crumpet dripping off him. Does anyone dare to differ?
38th over - Eng 150-3 Shah is the new batsman and he's off the mark with am whip to square-leg for one.
37th over - WICKET: Pietersen c Samuels b Bravo 33, Eng 148-3
Four singles from Bravo's over before Pietersen perishes, slapping Bravo to backward point and Samuels taking a smart catch. Strangley, there's almost a buzz of relief from the crowd, who have been starved of much action so far today.
36th over - Eng 144-2 Samuels into the attack and there are just three single from the over. My colleague and I have no doubt that CH Gayle will not be adopting the nudgle and nurdle approach when it's his turn to bat.
35th over - Eng 141-2 Am I missing something here? Why is it that every other decent team in the world seems to realise that modern one-day cricket is all about crash, bang, wallop while England still think they playing in the Gillette Cup? More nudge and nurdle, two singles each for KP and Bell.
"I have a spare ticket for the FP final - would Sarah from Canterbury like to come along and be our personal waitress?"
Patric, Chandlers Ford, in the TMS inbox
"You fool Ben! Watching Doctor Who would have given you a perfect alibi for your binge drinking session last night and cemented your delayed train claims!"
Luke, Bingley, in the TMS inbox
34th over - Eng 137-2 Bell whipcracks Edwards through point for one and Pietersen grabs a single before tickling the final ball of the over down to third-man for a couple. We need a bit of long handle here fellas, only eight fours so far. Drinks...
33rd over - Eng 134-2 Too straight from Smith and Pietersen works him away for one. Bell squirts Smith down to third-man before KP picks up another single with a tuck behind square. A dicussion breaks out in the office - does the 50-over game have much of a future? Watching this after a couple of Twenty20 matches is a bit like going straight from a Dara Ó Briain gig to a Benjamin Britten opera.
"If the qualification for being on Doctor Who is merely "mincing about talking rubbish", then surely most, if not all of my professors qualify. Furthermore, some are definitely twisted enough to be monstrous, although I'm not sure about the rubber bit."
Alan Chettle, studying Mechanical Engineering in Canada, in the TMS inbox
32nd over - Eng 131-2 Smart work from Edwards, almost running out Pietersen with a shy at the non-striker's end. One run. Bell has a nibble at a delivery just outside off-stump before ticking Edwards away for one. Bit of chin music from Edwards, but Pietersen plays it well, limboing casually out of line. Edwards winces after his follow-through, and that old ankle injury may well be playing up. Pietersen rolls his wrists and picks up a single to mid-wicket
"Ben - who did you hide from behind the sofa? Cilla Black?"
Carole, Maidenhead, in the TMS inbox
"A chum at school got punished with detention for the heinous crime of writing 'plop' on his computer screen. The punishment seemed somewhat severe as I had written it."
Tom, Watford, in the TMS inbox
31st over - Eng 127-2 Pietersen bags a couple with a trademark whip to fine-leg and a single with a force into the covers. One single apiece for Bell and KP and this isn't the most scintillating cricket I've ever seen, but it's absorbing enough.
"I once got detention for putting amusing translations for words I didn't know in a Latin vocab test. At a later date I also got reprimanded for refusing to read a lesson in chapel, as I felt it contradicted my stance as a non-believer. I thought they were both a little harsh."
Pete Harmer, Norfolk, in the TMS inbox
30th over - Eng 123-2 KP picks up his first four and England's first boundary for 10 overs with a sweet leg glance. I came over all Bernard Breslaw with that shot, extremely satisfying. Pietersen nicks the strike with a whip off his pads. Good contest this.
29th over - Eng 117-2 Pietersen forces Smith square for a couple before picking up a clip to mid-wicket for one.
28th over - Eng 115-2 Pietersen bags one with a glide down to third-man. My editor has just asked if I watched Doctor Who last night and I had to admit I have never seen Doctor Who in my life. A cynical child, I used to prefer Hart To Hart (..."and then there was Maxsh...") and Starksy and Hutch to a load of rubber monsters mincing about talking rubbish.
27th over - Eng 109-2 Talking of detentions, I think the most surreal one I ever got was for 'stealing' one of former West Ham stalwart Martin Allen's medals. When I say I stole it, I found it on a coach and didn't hand it in. Pietersen plays with soft hands down to third-man for one before Bell picks up a couple with a tickle down to long-leg for a brace. A single for Belly before KP has a stroke of luck, the Hampshire man driving expansively and very nearly playing on.
"I got a detention for writing in class once. I was so outraged I earned a second for arguing with the teacher in question. A detention for chewing paper in assembly (R.A. Court) is decidedly justifiable in comparison."
Matt, London, in the TMS inbox
26th over - Eng 102-2 Pietersen picks up three with a sweetly-timed flick through mid-wicket and that's the England ton. Bell waits on a Bravo delivery and dabs him to third-man for one. Pietersen stands tall and twirls Bravo through point for a single and the weather is looking threatening now.
"I find that Exile's deeply-moving tribute to love, Kiss You All Over, usually can rid the mind of any other song with great alacrity. Hope this helps!"
Jamie, Southampton, in the TMS inbox
25th over - WICKET: Prior lbw b Dw Smith 34, Eng 96-2
Smith picks up the wicket of Prior, trapping the Sussex man in front with a full-length delivery. Umpire Llong had no doubts, although it may well have been sliding down leg. That shower did the proper thing and bypassed Lord's and here comes KP...he's off the mark with a clip to mid-wicket for a single.
24th over - Eng 96-1 Samuels into the attack with his lollipops - his favourite food is salt fish and dumplings and his favourite actor is Al Pacino. No mucking about from Samuels as England continue to work the ball around for singles, two from Prior and one for Bell.
"Didn't think that 'fannying about' would be on the list of phrases approved for publication by the BBC. At least my Outlook spell checker still has some standards and objected..."
Lotte, South London, in the TMS inbox
23rd over - Eng 93-1 This pair keeping the scoreboard ticking over, a single apiece. Prior is now 32 and Bell 27.
"Bring back the other bloke. I liked him."
Chris, Oxford, in the TMS inbox
"Ben, was the train really delayed, or have you just walked into the office in last night's dishevelled clothes, stinking of beer and kebab? Possibly with your flies undone and missing one sock?"
David Whitley, Tooting, in the TMS inbox
22nd over - Eng 91-1 Bell misses with a wild and windy woosh outside off before opening the face and gliding Edwards down to third-man for a single. Anyone have any ideas how I can flush Roachford's seminal rock-funk classic Cuddly Toy out of my mind? I've been humming it since Friday. A single for Prior with a flick to mid-wicket before Bell grabs a few with a clip off his pads. Alert running from Prior, spotting a slip by the fielder out on the boundary and nicking a third. Prior and Bell exchange singles and England are looking pretty comfortable at Lord's - sorry...
"I once got detention for chewing paper in assembly. Verdict - harsh or fair?"
R.A.Court in the TMS inbox
21st over - Eng 84-1 One for Prior with a tickle off his pads before Bell tucks Smith away for a single. One more for the Sussex keeper and we're in those 'absorbing' middle overs...
20th over - Eng 80-1 Bell slices Edwards down to third-man for a couple and picks up two more with a clip off his pads. In my haste, I completely forgot to thank my editor Paul Grunill for filling in while I was fannying about on the train - Paul I salute you (can I have a rise?). Chin music from Edwards, but Belly drops his hands and plays it well.
"Re: Matthew Aylme (see below) - I will meet you under the clock at Liverpool Street, we will devise and execute our vigilante mission from there." Russell, Barking, in the TMS inbox
19th over - Eng 75-1 Prior works Powell to backward of square for one and Bell is nicking runs all over the park, this time dropping Powell down to backward point and haring through for one. A disappointing intake of emails so fare, I'm feeling a little bit lonely.
18th over - Eng 72-1 My colleague next to me is munching his way through a bag of prawn crackers - breakfast of champions. Spots of rain at Lord's...Prior dispatches an Edwards full-bunger to the mid-wicket fence before picking up one with a flick to leg. Bell nudges to mid-on for one before Prior tickles Edwards off his pads for a single, but the little paceman hits back well, getting one past the bat of Bell. It's lobbing it down in Wembley, says Tony Cozier on TMS, but it looks pretty sunny at Lord's...
"The Seven Kings/Ilford trains are rather vile aren't they? I get on them very reguarly so now I know how you get to work Ben - watch your back because I'm going to be after you..."
Matthew Aylmer in the TMS inbox
17th over - Eng 63-1 Nudge and nurdle from Prior and Bell, a couple of cheeky singles apiece. Sarah, Bucks points out that we forgot to put the email address up again - sorry, I'm not sure what's wrong with us at the moment. So, that was that, my last cigarette in an English pub. I went out in a blaze of glory with a dirty great Romeo y Julieta cigar. What is it about women who smoke? I've always been a big fan. Not sure why - any ideas? Of course, smoking is not big, although it can be clever, as anyone who's been to Bangkok may be able to tell you. Drinks.
16th over - Eng 59-1 Jaffa from Edwards, getting one to rear up at Prior from just short of a length. The Sussex man picks up a single with a nurdle to leg and Belly grabs a single of his own with a flick to mid-wicket.
"Ben, I note that you are not a fan of Nu Skool Garage, so I assume that you prefer Luck & Neat et al. I also assume that as you travel through Seven Kings, you drink at the club next to the station that provides 15 for £15. That is the real reason as to your late arrival."
Russell, Barking, in the TMS inbox
15h over - Eng 57-1 Prior backs up too far, is sent back by Bell and is almost run out. Belly picks up his first boundary with a sweet clip off his pads and follows up with a square-drive for four.
"All this covering for Dirs - does he dead-leg you in the corridors and nick your fags?" Carole, Maidenhead, in the TMS inbox
14th over - WICKET: Cook c Bravo b Edwards 29, Eng 47-1 Morning all - a thousand apologies for my lateness, blame George Stephenson. If there is one thing worse than being stuck on a train between Ilford and Seven Kings, it's being stuck on a train between Ilford and Seven Kings while some clown plays Nuskool UK Garage at full blast on their mobile. And that's a wicket! Kiss my face! Cook top-edges a pull and Bravo makes no mistake at backward square. That woman on the train was very lucky I didn't tutt loudly and roll my eyes - that would have learnt her. Bell is the new batter, Prior pushes for one.
13th over - Eng 46-0 I was sceptical about whether Cook was the answer for England in one-day cricket, but I've no complaints about the superbly timed flick off his legs for four. His calling isn't quite so good as he almost runs Prior out off the next ball.
"Okay so Chris got the scorecard email in before me, but what about the photos icon! Or are there no photos today..."
Alex in the TMS inbox
Blimey, what do you want, blood? I've only got ten fingers and I'm using two of them for typing.
12th over - Eng 40-0 Prior mis-times a pull shot off Powell but gets enough wood on it to pick up two runs. The next ball is yorker length, but wide and Prior squeezes it away square for two more - and with that I bring you good news, Mr Dirs is in the building......
"All this talk of detention and being punished for being late, I thought I clicked on the wrong website in my favourites folder...."
Ben, Swindon, in the TMS inbox
11th over - Eng 33-0 Prior has scored four off 10 overs, that's something like my former scoring rate, but finally he gets the middle of the bat on ball and cracks it away through the covers for four. Did I tell you Gayle had taken the second powerplay? Thought not.
10th over - Eng 26-0 Cook square cuts powerfully for four but then plays and misses twice before tucking the final ball of the over off his legs for three. The so-called 'bread and butter' shot was one or many I could never play properly.
9th over - Eng 19-0 Judging by his performance so far, England can thank their lucky stars Rampaul wasn't fit to play in the Tests. Only two from the over.
"Who's the second member of the team missing? The one who does the scorecard? It seems to be missing."
Chris in the TMS inbox
That would be Jamie, who's supposed to be writing the match reports and top four paras of this text commentary today. Sorry about the scorecard, I forgot to add the link because I was distracted by the thought of Russ Abbot in a dress.
8th over - Eng 17-0 Finally a loose ball is served up by Powell and Cooky slashes it high over point for a one-bounce boundary. What follows could I think be described as a 'polite ripple of applause' from the stands. Hardly the kind of atmosphere Russ Abbot once sang about. Incidentally, Russ can soon be seen wearing a dress in a touring production of The Producers.
7th over - Eng 13-0 The Windies claim a catch by the keeper, but the ball clipped the top of Prior's front pad, not his bat. Good decision by umpire Llong - Pprior ssurvives.
6th over - Eng 11-0 The ball's moving about off the pitch and England's openers are all at sea. Prior can hardly believe it, a couple of months ago he was smashing the Windies all over the park in his first Test innings. Back to back maidens.
"The cyber rumour spreading is that you're just covering for Dirs with this late train thing, and that he was out till quite late with Chantelle from Big Brother last night, didn't tell his mum he'd be in so late and might be 'grounded' "
[Another]Paul in the TMS inbox
Big Brother. What's that, then?
5th over - Eng 11-0 Guess what, a maiden over. Mustn't complain, however, as I blocked out plenty of those in my days as the most boring batsman in the Northants Alliance League. Hello to anyone from Geddington CC reading this, by the way.
4th over - Eng 11-0 Still waiting for a shot in anger. Mind you I saw plenty of those last night when I watched the film 'Happy Gilmore'. I wonder how far he could hit a cricket ball...
"Does Ben get detention for being late?"
Anthony Walton in the TMS inbox
I once got detention at school for deliberately singing my own choice of words during hymn practice. I had to go in the following Saturday and spend an hour copying words out of a hymn book onto a sheet of paper. Who says grammar schools don't raise standards?
3rd over - Eng 8-0 Bit tame this after the thrash and bash at The Oval. A leg-side wide from Rampaul is the only addition.
"Any news on when Dirsy will be back in the office? I heard that Ben can bend the rules of bureaucracy and use his wit to cut through the thickest of red tape to get to where he is needed"
Alex, Manchester, in the TMS inbox
2nd over - 7-0 Interesting move by Gayle who doesn't trust Fidel's radar with the new ball, but Powell looks keen, producing a couple of menacing lifters. Three off the over.
"Come on Paul, I'm sure you're humour is just as good as Ben's. Just think of some really bad jokes and puns! Maybe the public could help out..."
Luke Spoule in the TMS inbox
1st over - Eng 4-0 Rampaul's got the ball in his hands and starts off with a wide. Par for the course in international cricket these days. Cook's under way with three through mid-wicket before Rampaul shaves the edge of Prior's bat with two successive deliveries.
1040: Let's hope the teams are going to produce some exciting action or I might have to turn my attention to the Concert for Diana this afternoon and the running order promises Roger Hodgson from Supertramp among others. Could we have kippers for breakfast, mummy dear, mummy dear?
"Come on, don't be shy! Who are you?"
Sarah, Canterbury, in the TMS inbox
I'm Paul, the cricket editor - and let me apologise right now if I can't replicate Mr Dirs's unique sense of humour. Then again, if I could, it wouldn't be unique, now would it?
1030: Winning the toss prompts laughter from Windies skipper Chris Gayle, who decided to field first. Wonder what's tickled his funny bone? They've made three changes as well with Shiv Chanderpaul, Devon Smith and Fidel Edwards back in the side. It's Fidel's first ODI since last October so let's see if he can get the England top order hopping about.
England: AN Cook, MJ Prior, IR Bell, KP Pietersen, PD Collingwood (capt), OA Shah, AD Mascarenhas, LE Plunkett, SC Broad, JM Anderson, MS Panesar.
1005: In the words of the immortal Richie B, 'Morning everyone". Before I go any further, I should make it clear that regardless of the byline above, I'm not Ben Dirs, who is one of two colleagues whose trains have been delayed (come on Ruth Kelly, I don't care if it is Sunday, get it sorted!).
Anyway, the team news is that England have brought back Belly, Monty and Plunkers, while Ryan Sidebottom is out because of a virus.
Let's hope it isn't the same one which has affected the Indian squad in Northern Ireland. If it is, England might be struggling to get 11 fit players onto the field for the next two games.