ICC World Twenty20 Super Eights, Trent Bridge:
Group F: New Zealand 198-5 beat Ireland 115 by 83 runs
Group E (1730 BST): England 111 all out lost to South Africa 114-3 by seven wickets
LATEST ACTION (ALL TIMES BST)
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19th over: SA 114-3 - SA WIN BY SEVEN WICKETS
Anderson for the last rites. Duminy flicks one off his legs and Kallis wraps it up with a four smashed square. Comprehensive win for South Africa - they look a pretty complete Twenty20 team - and England are now up against it if they want to qualify for the semis. India on Sunday, Windies on Monday.
Trent Bridge empties like Obelix's bathtub, and I'm off too. See you at The Oval on Monday if you're down there - I'll be the one trying to remember how to watch cricket without typing furiously at the same time.
18th over: WICKET AB de Villiers c Collingwood b Rashid 11, SA 108-3
Rashid now. ABdV flays a wide one past cover for two - four needed. But he's gone next ball, and that's a cracking bit of leg-spin from the tyro - bounce, bite and a thick edge into the skipper's hands at slip. Token yet touching.
17th over: SA 106-2
Big hoisting hoick from ABdV - that's gone mile-high. Ravi B dashes in from long on, dives desperately - but the ball bounces off his upturned wrists. Kallis with yet another dab fine, and the end is nigh - six needed off 18 balls. Dirs - put your sun-cream away.
16th over: SA 99-2
AB de Villiers the new man - he dinks and dabs with wide-eyed relish. Kallis slices away again, and that one slides past third man for the four that takes him to his 50. Steady as you like.
15th over: WICKET Gibbs b Swann 30, SA 91-2
Smash - Gibbs advances on Swann and tenderises him into the pavilion for a fetch-that six. Singles apiece, but then Gibbs goes for a slog to Derby and has his off-stump bent back by a slower one. Token cheers from the terraces.
14th over: SA 83-1
Jimmy Anderson tears in. Kallis is late on a pull but picks up one straight, and Gibbs then top-edges an off-cutter over the 'keeper for four. Moans of dismay from the weary punters. Kallis pours soy sauce in the wounds by leaning back and creaming a brutal four over midwicket for four more - 11 of the over, and SA now need just 29 off the last 36.
13th over: SA 72-1
Masca for his final wobble of the day. Wallop - Gibbs leans back and belts a shortish one away happily for four over midwicket. Very quiet in the crowd now, only the occasional beveraged chant breaking the depressed torpor. 40 needed from 42, and it's looking like Dirs and I might be trousered all weekend.
12th over: SA 65-1
Long hop from Rashid, long hoick from Kallis for six over midwicket. A flighted one beats the prod before a short one is pulled for one. Shadows encroaching right across the pitch now, the floodlights firing up above.
11th over: SA 56-1
Aagghh - huge ell bee shout from the returning Masca - as the umpire says no, Kallis is way out of his ground but Colly's throw is too high. Two chances in one, neither given. Slices again here for more streaky runs, with a drive for one from Kallis to conclude. 56 needed from 54 - the cruising continues. England need to think a batsman out here.
10th over: SA 50-1
Ordinarily this would be a decent bowling performance from England. Trouble is, their batting display made ordinary look special. Two down the ground from Kallis off Rashid, single, single, slice from Kallis for two. Definite turn from Rashid, but England need wicket after wicket.
9th over: SA 42-1
Swanny again, and Gibbs sweeps for one. Kallis tries to do to the same, is slapped on the pad but trundles through for a leg bye. Another solo apiece for the pair before fires a quicker one down leg for a wide. Nice and easy from South Africa here - just ticking along, staying within tickling distance of the run-rate, accelerator pinned on cruise control.
8th over: SA 35-1
Rashid now - there's turn there, but there are also singles aplenty. Aerial smear over cover for one from Carless; casual cut from Gibbs for another. 77 needed from 72.
From Dinz, TMS inbox: "Tom, if you need a recommendation for next weekend, I'm sure Ben Dirs can let you peruse his vast collection of Health and Efficiency magazines."
Right - if England win, Dirs is coming to the nudist camp as well. Solemn pledge.
7th over: SA 31-1
Swann to Shark Carless - big drive, but just the one to long-on. Bit of turn there for England, and more of the next ball as Gibbs squirts an outside edge away for another single. Kallis gets lucky again as a big off-break bites and flies off the inside edge for one more uno. 81 needed from 78. You don't think.... Surely not...
6th over: SA 28-1
Decent jousting here between Gibbs and Broad - two pacey full ones beat the flashing blade, and a nasty lifter sizzles over the timbers. Gibbs finally gets bat on ball for a held-back pull to midwicket, and Carless dabs another to third man, and there's just two off the over - that's the good news, but the asking-rate is still under a run a ball. Time for some tweak.
5th over: SA 26-1
Nice from Jim - slower one that Carless plays all over. Next up there's an edge - and the ball flies away fine for a lucky four. Oohs and aghs from the crowd. Single gets Gibbs on strike, and the ole biffer advances down the pitch to drive a one. Carless jabs a pull through midwicket for two. Another wicket required sharpish, you'd think...
From Big Dave in Billingham, TMS inbox: "I hope you get some nice weather at the nudist camp, Mr Fordyce...great start from England here."
4th over: SA 18-1
Herschelle Gibbs to the crease, and his attempt to dink down to third man is thwarted by a diving Swann. Less than a run a ball needed - South Africa still red-hot favourites, but this pitch does look increasingly two-paced...
4th over: WICKET Smith c Foster b Broad 11, SA 17-1
Broad on for a steam - Kallis gets a thick edge on a big slogger and picks up a streaky four to third man. There's a single run away to the same area next ball, and England are still searching for that key early wicket. Or are they? Reverse mockers from Fordyce - Smith is startled by Broad's extra bounce, top-edges a pull and is taken with a tumble from Stumper Foster. Hello...
3rd over: SA 12-0
Masca on the money - Smith almost a little frustrated here. He steps away to smear but finds the fielder again. Six men in a ring on the off side, but that's a super shot from Smith - guided away fine with a dabber for a tension-easing four. Masca goes wider and Smith will munch on those all day long - slap-cut past point for four.
2nd over: SA 4-0
Jimmy A from the Pavilion End - Smith leg-glances for one. Shark Carless leaves his first ball alone, drives the second to a diving Colly at cover and then steals a single to leg. Smith tucks another away before Colly makes another good stop off a Carless clout.
From Steve in Madrid, TMS inbox: "So, England have been bowled out for the dreaded Nelson. I'm not great boder, but this does not bode well."
1st over: SA 1-0
Masca to open out for England. Two dotters off a good length first up - make that three, as Smith can't get heavy willow on it. Smith tries to cut and misses - four dot balls. He drives again - straight to mid off. Smith squeezes the last one off his pads for one, and that's a decent start for England.
20th over: WICKET Anderson b Parnell 0, Eng 111 all out
C'est tout - Anderson goes first ball to an identikit delivery, full and straight and fearsome. South Africa will need 112, and if they don't make this, I'll spend next weekend at a nudist campsite.
20th over: WICKET Broad b Parnell 9, Eng 111-9
Single to deep square leg - Broad on strike, and he digs out a yorker to sprint a two as Botha fumbles. Broad clouts one down the ground - it looks like Smith will snag him, but he spills the ball into the ropes for four. Next ball Broad is one his way, though - super yorker from Parnell, and the stumps are blown away.
19th over: Eng 104-8
Steyn propels a rapid one through Rashid. 13 balls for five runs from the young leggie. Big smear to long on - a dashed two off the fifth ball, with a single to mid-on off the last. That steals the strike off Broad - not ideal for England's straw-clutching purposes.
From Charles in Toronto, TMS inbox: "Have the ECB considered entering the England women's team as the main squad for the next major men's tournament?"
18th over: Eng 101-8
Parnell returns at pace. Leg-side wide, great diving stuff by ABdV at backward point. Rashid stabs down on a yorker for one, Broad picks up two fine. The hundred's up!
17th over: Eng 96-8
Rashid flips Steyn away for two to deep backward point. He then flashes and misses twice on the bounce before a slow wider one is pinged as a wide. Rashid can't get the next one away, and Trent Bridge is heavy with gallows humour.
From Mike in Essex, TMS inbox: "Who says England can't adapt to different forms of the game? This is a perfect adaptation of the traditional English batting collapse."
16th over: WICKET Swann c Morkel b Botha 5, Eng 92-8
Nottinghamshire men Broad and Swann beaver feverishly - but it matters not. Swann tries to slog-sweep and gets a top edge that lobs gently to backward points. Will England even see out their overs?
From Jack van der Schyff, TMS inbox: "Ha-ha! My grandfather was wounded in that battle and 108 would have pleased him tonight, I'm sure - especially after the Lions ran rampant against the Natal Sharks last night!"
15th over: WICKET Shah c Boucher b Kallis 38, Eng 88-7
Carless continues - flick off the hips from Shah for four, but he's gone next ball - thinning an edge off an attempted guide to third man. And that, you'd think, is pretty much that.
Update from the women's tournament, and some heartening news - England have started their campaign in Taunton with a crushing 10-wicket win over India. Charlotte Edwards and Sarah Taylor both hit half centuries to see England home after India were restricted to 112-8 by a strong all-round bowling display.
14th over: WICKET Mascarenhas b Van Der Merwe 1, Eng 82-6
My giddy aunts. Masca steps away to leg and hears the death rattle as his slap-cut is beaten by one that keeps a tad low. Damp squib? Underwater, I'd say.
14th over: WICKET Foster c Morkel b Van Der Merwe 1, Eng 79-5
Well, that didn't take long. Fozzie tries a reverse sweep, the ball is too full and he pops up a looping catch to the scampering Albie at backward point. England in it up to the eyeballs.
From Paul in Lancs, TMS inbox: "On a day of spooky cricketing portent (see below on Brendon McCullum) I forecast that England will end with a total of 108, that being the exact number of years, to the very day, since the Battle of Diamond Hill in the second Anglo-Boer War. Some payback for the Boers' heavy defeat on that day (at least for those South Africans of Boer descent)."
13th over: WICKET Collingwood b Kallis 19, Eng 78-4
Heavy sigh. The England skipper swishes feebly and is comprehensively cleaned up by Shark Carless. Stumps everywhere.
From Kate in Brixton, TMS inbox: "Oh dear oh dear oh dear. I have tickets for the England's final 'Super' 8 game on Monday vs the Windies. I think I'd rather be watching the boys in orange."
See you down there, Kate. I've lobbed £200 on four tickets for me and the chaps. Just call me Leeson.
12th over: Eng 73-3
Is his eye in? Shah chases down the track and batters another skimming six down the ground. Next ball he flays through cover - four more - and then goes the other way for four more. At last... Single nudged to leg to keep the board ticking, plus another from Colly.
11th over: Eng 56-3
Boos ring out as the England pair fail to accelerate. That's more like it though - full toss from Botha, and Shah crashes that over deep midwicket for the first six of the innings.
10th over: Eng 47-3
Singles simply aren't enough here, but that's all England are getting. Halfway through, and England are going along at less than five an over. Is this a Gillette Trophy 60 overs apiece rumble from 1981?
From Evan Davies, TMS inbox: "This is a terrible start, especially terrible because it means I'm going to have to stop taunting my Australian cousin. Presumably England have somewhere other than Leicester lined up to spend the rest of the two weeks."
9th over: Eng 42-3
Low full toss from Botha - crashed through cover by Colly for four. Relieved cheers in the cheap seats. Cunning yorker, followed by a beamer - surely a no-ball, but the umpires don't give it. Hmm. 32 dot balls in the innings so far. Double hmmm.
8th over: Eng 34-3
Leftie tweak from Van Der Merwe. Shah dead-bats, and the crowd are getting restless. Nothing from the next one either, but the next is a wide down leg. Single turned to square leg before Colly works a nudge just past Gibbs at midwicket - two - and then pushes straight for another shaky two. Shah's running with all the pace of Jack Simmons out there.
From Lewis Connell, TMS inbox: "England make me want to cry."
7th over: Eng 28-3
What's happened here? Shah waltzes a single, the throw from Gibbs arrows in and hits direct - and Shah survives by a coat of watered-down varnish. Woeful running. Botha twirling with menace now - single slapped by Colly, nothing from Shah. Finally a single, but that's it - and England are being strangled here.
6th over: WICKET Pietersen c Van Der Merwe b Morkel 1, Eng 26-3
Morkel now - on the cash from the word go. KP can't get the first one away, and then - calamity! slogs the next one to mid-on, where Van Der Merwe takes a stunning two-handed diving catch. Disaster for England, and the South Africans are going ripe bananas. Wicket maiden for Morkel - and that's the lowest score at this stage of an innings in the tournament so far.
5th over: Eng 25-2
Shark Carless comes on for a trundle. KP drops one into the leg side, but there's no run there. There is this time, though - just a dabber to leg, but the ball races away and Botha fumbles it on the fence - four. Carless tries a bouncer; KP gloves down to the fine leg boundary for four more. Mighty mow from KP - misses, and nearly dislocates his shoulders. The fifth ball is popped to leg for a strike-stealing single; Shah stays steady on the sixth.
4th over: Eng 16-2
Parnell tears in. KP leaves one alone, pushes the next flamboyantly to cover and then dabs back down the track - three dotters. Good over this, and KP dashes a dicey single. Shah can't get the final one away, and Parnell has figures of 1-2 off two overs. Ouch.
From Steve Meadows, TMS inbox: "Re: 1723 and a half. What you wrote is a terrible thing to say in Albanian - how dare you."
3rd over: Eng 15-2
Shah jogs in to join KP as a stunned silence descends at Trent Bridge. KP ready for his first ball, and Steyn pulls out in his delivery stride. Cat-calls from the terraces. Steyn comes in at pace - and the same thing happens. Hoots of derision from a man in the crowd dressed as a Tellytubby. Steyn finally delivers, and KP tucks in with extra relish - a thumper to the left of midwicket for four. Next up - another! Driven straight this time, and the Tellytubby high-fives a chap dressed as a sumo wrestler. Screamed appeal from Steyn now, as a late in-dipper slams into KP's front pad - looks perilously close, but Umpo decides it was just going over the top. Drama? With KP? Well I never...
2nd over: WICKET Wright c Boucher b Parnell 1, Eng 4-2
Now then - KP is at the krease. Wright on strike for the moment - big slash at Parnell, appeal for caught behind but Umpo Davis turns it down. Another slash and miss next ball, a dab for nothing to cover next up - then there's another slash, a clear skinny sound and the Davis digit goes up. Calamitous start for England...
1st over: WICKET Bopara b Steyn 2, Eng 4-1
Loose on leg from Steyn, and Ravi clips for two to huge cheers from the crowd. There's a leave-alone outside off, a leg-bye scamperer and a dabber down to backward point from Wright to tickle his numbers over. Ravi leaves a tempter alone - gagh! and then drags a slower one onto his timbers. Perfect start for South Africa, a shocked silence around the ground.
1729: Here come Ravi B and The Voice, all padded up and ready to rumble. Dale Steyn paws the ground at the Radcliffe Road end.
1727: Best singer in the England ranks: Luke Wright. Enthusiastic, mainly on key.
1723 and a half: fnoal fec ivc ndei mnf. Nope - I can't.
1723: Still sunny like a Datsun out there. Time for the anthems. Wonder if I can type standing up.
1715: How do we see this one going? Big 'un for England - hard to see them turning India over, which makes this a key match. Inside the home dressing-room, KP is practising his switch-hit in front of the mirror. Probably.
1710: News from the toss - Colly calls correctly, and he opts for a bat. Wearing pitch, you'd think. "We're up for this today," says the England skipper. "If we play anything like we did on Sunday, we've got a great chance."
SA skip Graeme Smith admits he would have batted too. Crikey but he's a big unit these days. Both teams unchanged, of course - two spinners in both XIs.
1705: Hello again. Ready for the second course?
NEW ZEALAND V IRELAND
1626: 64 minutes to go until England take on South Africa. I might dash off for a quick sandwich if it's alright with you.
From Stuart Burley, TMS inbox: "This has been puzzling me all afternoon, why the 1966 Beatles?"
Easy, Stuart - best combination of tunes, threads and barnets. Pre-beard, sans Japanese conceptual artistes. Plus Asher could rustle up a novelty cake if you got peckish.
From Joe Young, Sheffield, TMS inbox: "Being on the live text certainly makes you infamous, if not famous. I've been referred to twice this season as 'that unemployed fat bloke who wanted to be a scoreboard' in my local cricket league (West Indies Vs England 3rd ODI 27th March - the one when the scoreboard was playing up). Sadly the description remains fairly adapt at this time."
NEW ZEALAND WIN BY 83 RUNS
17th over: WICKET West b Mills 6, Ire 115 all out
O'Connell biffs for one and two - but a wild swing from West and it's all over. Comprehensive win for the below-strength Kiwis, and Ireland were outplayed from the start today.
From Michael in Lancs, TMS inbox: "My mate managed to convince his girlfriend that Al Pacino is actually called Alpa Chino."
16th over: WICKET Johnston run out 14, Ire 112-9
West faces Coboram and late-cuts with meaty ease for four. Big slash for one to third man, Johnston dinks fine for two and then BrenMac produces a wonderful fling on the move to send him packing. Brilliant fielding from the some-time stumper.
15th over: WICKET McCallan lbw N McCullum 0, Ire 104-8
And another! McCallan walks across his timbers and signs his own death warrant.
15th over: WICKET Mooney c B McCullum b N McCullum 20, Ire 104-7
Great catch from big brother to get little brother among the wickets - a diver rightwards at midwicket.
14th over: Ire 103-6
Scotty again. Johnston swings one out to deep long on for two and then repeats as the sun bakes down. Hello - that's a super shot, clouted away to the same area but higher and much, much longer for the first six in an age.
13th over: Ire 90-6
Trent Johnston now. He leaves one alone before biffing to deep extra cover for one.
From Martin Jourdain, TMS inbox: "RE: Name mix ups. My missus thought that Timo Glock, the F1 driver, was actually an Irish F1 team - Team O'Glock."
13th over: WICKET Mooney run out 12, Ire 86-6
Wonderful fielding from BrenMac, poor running from Moondog. There was an easy leg bye there, but Mooney jogged it gently when even a fraction more zip would have seen him home. Torpedo throw from the NZ skipper; Ireland's hopes sinking fast.
12th over: Ire 86-5
Giant Jay again, and Cusack cuts for one. Single to Mooney and then a delicate dab for four more from Cusack. Delicate like rain, as Terence Trent D'Arby once warbled.
From Pete Rowden, TMS inbox: "I went for a jog down a country path enclosed by bushes the other week. As I jogged along I felt the unmistakeable leathery slap of a bat colliding with my forehead. It was dusk, but that's no excuse. Echo location? Overrated in my opinion."
11th over: WICKET K O'Brien c Franklin b N McCullum 2, Ire 67-5
Big heave-ho from KOB, straight down the throat of Franklin at deep midwicket. Cusack then belts an aerial four, but you fear it's all in vain.
10th over: Ire 66-4
Kevin O'Brien in now, John Mooney at the other. Solid from Scotty S, that sort of dib-dob that's hard to flay away. Oh, that's nice from Mooney - little tipper over his own head for four as fine as fine can be.
From AJ Russell, TMS inbox: "It's too late for Mark Parkin (4th over). His girlfriend is already famous - I mentioned her to my family earlier this week, as we watched Mr Coboram in action."
9th over: WICKET Botha run out 28, Ire 58-4
And another! Botha sets off on a suicide dash and turns around to see his timbers split down the middle. The big ask just got bigger.
From ruggedbadger on 606: "Whilst riding to work today along the Leeds-Liverpool canal I got bitten by a grey squirrel. Just felt the need to share."
8th over: WICKET Wilson c Franklin b Styris 23, Ire 57-3
Botha chances his bicep with a hard flasher at Styris - flukey four fine. You know what I mean. Big biff from Botha over extra cover for four more, followed by an overthrow single as Styris flings wildly - but Wilson's gone now, hoisting a drive down the ground where Franklin takes a fine catch with his nose millimetres from the turf.
From Simon in London, TMS inbox: "My girlfriend has been trying to understand the lingo of cricket - but she realised how far she had to go, on walking in on me watching Pakistan the other evening and seeing a graphic on the screen saying: 'Butt Crease Butterfly'. How do you defend a sport that uses that kind of language?"
7th over: Ire 48-2
'Oopla - McCullum dashes in to a single and tries to kick the ball onto the stumps, only to whistle his shot past the post and down to fine leg for the first overkick of the tournament. Leg byes as Wilson wafts, Ireland need 151 runs from 13 overs.
6th over: Ire 42-2
The afore-mentioned Jay Coboram on for a bundle. Wilson drives uppishly for two before Botha escapes a run-out chance as Coboram misses with a fling from 12 yards. Botha bangs again with a thrasher over mid-off for four - sweet slogging.
From ST Lawley, TMS inbox: "I hope Niall O'Brien's nickname doesn't follow the same logic of initials as Brian O'Driscoll's, known in rugby circles as BOD....(although going by his batting performance today, it wouldn't be wholly undeserved)."
5th over: Ire 33-2
Butler on for a rumble, and he serves up a waist-high full toss that Botha pops away sweetly for four past cover. Next ball he beats a prod outside off before Botha digs out an attempted yorker for three to the extra cover fence. Big slash outside off next - streaky four to third man.
4th over: Ire 22-2
Classy drive from Wilson as Franklin angles too wide - four past point. Scrambled singles follow.
From Mark Parkin, TMS inbox: "Tom. Have just had an excitable text from my girlfriend after she clocked you using 'Jay Coboram' in your earlier commentary (I alerted you to her mistakenly thinking this was his name last summer). Trouble is, she now thinks this makes her 'famous'. How do you suggest I deal with this clearly unacceptable situation?"
Expose her to the brutal machinations of the paparazzi, Mark, plus a cover of Heat magazine that accuses her of being too thin the week after an almost identical cover accuses her of bloating up. She'll be refusing to leave your house within the fortnight.
3rd over: WICKET N O'Brien c Oram b Mills 3, Ire 12-2
Niall O'Brien dabs and cuts nicely to get off the mark. Wilson drives uppishly and McCullum almost makes a spectacular diving snag at midwicket. It's only a stay of execution, however - O'Brien goes hard at the next one and can only pick out Oram at mid-on.
2nd over: Ire 9-1
Nice recovery from Gary Wilson - a drive through extra cover off a full toss for four. That's better from Franklin - left-arm over angler that has the batsman fishing feebly - followed by an edge that falls just shy of slip, and a short one that almost socks Wilson on the nose. He should be out next ball - he mis-hits a pull to Butler at mid-on, but the scrambling fielder spills it after four fumbles. Dear oh dear.
1st over: WICKET Porterfield run out Ire 1-1
Kyle Mills to canter in for New Zealand, and Porterfield squeezes a swinger away for one. And that's calamitous for Porterfield - Wilson drives straight, Mills deflects the ball onto the non-striker's stumps and the skipper is out of his ground. Heartbreak for the men in green.
20th over: NZ 198-5
Slam! T-T Guptill drills Johnston's full toss high over the long on ropes and then strolls a congratulatory single. Lovely slower one up next is missed, with a fullish one another dot as Franklin flays furiously. He hoists a mis-hit high but somehow safe for two, and then repeats the trick final ball. Super innings from New Zealand, and Ireland have a slippery mountain to climb now...
19th over: NZ 187-5
Singles to T-T and new batsman Franklin, before T-T absolutely creams a six to the top tier of Trent Bridge's furthest outreaches. Came off the dd of the middle, that one. Single to Franklin then two more sprinted down the ground - another good over for Les Chapeaus Noir.
From Tim in York, TMS inbox: "Sir Mixalot? I like big hits and I can't deny
18th over: WICKET McGlashan b Johnston 5, NZ 176-5
Smasher McGlashan up next, and he reverse-sweeps to a sprawling backward point for one. T-T singles again, Smasher twos into the on-side from an inside edge. Two leg byes as he goes for the reverser again, and then his castle is breached by a slower one that he walks all round.
17th over: WICKET Oram c Botha b Cusack 15, NZ 168-4
New man Jay Coboram strides in and cuffs Cusack through point for a long-armed four. Cusack again as the innings reaches fever pitch (apologies) and - kaboom! Coboram clouts him for a frightening six. Next ball up he tries to do the same, but this time Botha's waiting on the fence to pouch.
From Lee Mamara, TMS inbox: "Following on from Martin Jourdain, I believe that the forklift truck accident involving Martin Guptill was when he was 13 and run over by his brother. Letting young kids play with forklifts sounds like a very Kiwi thing to be doing."
16th over: WICKET Styris c K O'Brien b McCallan 42, NZ 153-3
Scotty flays uppishly to deep midwicket for a puffing two - and then that is massive, a StyrisSlog over the fence for another maximum. Great shot to follow, too - a lofted drive over cover. Lovely range of strokes - arise Sir Mixalot. Actually, make that go back back to the pavilion, Sir Mixalot - the very next ball he holes out on the midwicket fence to a fine diving catch from O'Brien.
15th over: NZ 140-2
Scotty's blowing like a humpback with these single dashes. Enough of that, he thinks, and belts a full bunger from Weighty West way over the long on ropes for a stop-running six.
From Ali in London, TMS inbox: "Martin 'Two Toes' Guptill is a good gangster name. Any others spring to mind? Kevin 'Switchblade' Pietersen? Steve 'Scattergun' Harmison?"
14th over: NZ 128-2
McCallan returns, his approach a little stutter, and he's proving difficult to get away - mere singles and dotters. T-T sweeps for one to deep midwicket but that's all he'll get.
13th over: NZ 124-2
West again, and Two-Toes dashes two to long-off. Two more to midwicket with the field spread before West just fails to hang on to a mis-hit drive. A fresh breeze blows across the outfield before T-T advances with a skip and belts a big 'un into the lower stretches of the pavilion.
12th over: NZ 111-2
Crash - Styris clouts Cusack over wide long-off for a skimming maximum. A single follows, Styris drives to deep extra cover for one more.
From Paul in Lancs, TMS inbox: "Has everyone else noted the etymological, historical and mathematical perfection of Brendon McCullum, whose surname derives from the Irish St Columba, being out for 10 and making it 51 for 1. 511 + 10 = 521, which is the year of St Columba's birth? And against Ireland? Spooky, man."
11th over: NZ 100-2
West on for some tweak, and Two-Toes edges a big slash past the stumper's gloves for three fine. Styris clouts a long one to deep extra cover - good over.
From Kurt Norman, TMS inbox: "Tom - You've got me imagining how good it would be to see Shaun Ryder at the crease. Not sure about his toe count but I'm sure he'd still have a steady swagger that could grace the MCC long room."
Twenty20 Party People. I like it.
10th over: NZ 94-2
New man Scotty Styris waddles to the crease and gets off the quacker with a brace of singles.
10th over: WICKET Redmond lbw Cusack 63, NZ 91-2
Cusack strays down leg and is dinked fine for a few - but he gets his man two balls later as Redmond shuffles across his timbers and is trapped bang in front. I say bang in front - replays suggest he was well outside off. Hmmm.
From Martin Jourdain, TMS inbox: "According to the accurate font of all knowledge (Wikipedia), Martin Guptill lost three toes in a forklift truck accident."
Ooof. Nasty business. What was he doing with the forklift truck - playing keepy-ups with it?
9th over: NZ 87-1
Monstrous hit from Two-Toes, a one-handed boomer of a six way, way over the long on fence. There's two dashed to long on, a single and then a mighty thrash past the bowler for four more. Two more come as Redmond drives with class, and O'Brien's figures are graffitied all over - 0-31 off his four after the first three went for just 14.
8th over: NZ 70-1
Cheeky from Redmond - a reverse sweep over backward point, and then the same again along the deck. That's his 50 off 23 balls - Ryderesque, in the Jesse rather than Shaun sense. Single to long on, single to long off and a dot ball as McCallan gives it loop. Redmond sits back on the next one and flays into slog-sweepily to the midwicket fence.
7th over: NZ 56-1
Extraordinary tale doing the rounds about new batsman Martin Guptill - apparently he only has two toes on one foot. Not sure whether they're well-spaced ordinary toes or some sort of the double-width paddles - is his chiropodist in the audience today? Sharp fielding from Ireland strangles the run-rate, and Two-Toes gets lucky with a leading edge over O'Brien's clutching five fingers. Four fingers plus thumb.
6th over: WICKET McCullum c West b McCallan 10, NZ 51-1
Sorry no more - Kyle Mac strikes with his second ball! Brendon tries to heave him way over cover, fails to get to the pitch and lobs a simple catch to mid-off. Just a single off the rest of the over - super stuff.
5th over: NZ 51-0
Single to Redmond with a mis-hit into the off side. Nice bowling here from O'Brien - at least until I type those words, when he serves up a full toss that Mac batters into crowd for the 100th six of the tournament. Sorry Kevin, sorry Ireland.
From Alan Rock, TMS inbox: "Tom - you think that was a bad version of Ireland's call - you should have heard the one before Ireland A's Churchill cup against Canada last night. Sounded like it was being played for the first time by a one man band falling down a cliff."
4th over: NZ 43-0
Sweet wristiness from Redmond - four through midwicket as Johnston toils. The bowler tries a slower one and is smashed back down the ground for a one-bounce four. Leg-bye to short leg, but McCullum's mojo has gone missing and Johnston keeps him housed.
From Jim, still a student and still unemployable, via text on 81111: "Not to be pedantic, but shouldn't that be 'Smashing start for In Zid'?"
3rd over: NZ 34-0
O'Brien on now, a decent-sized unit. Better line and length restrict the flayers to singles, and Redmond is then beaten with a cunning drifter outside off. Feast to famine, although from the weight behind O'Brien's wobblers you'd say he's more familiar with the former.
2nd over: NZ 32-0
Redmond is loving this - he heaves Trent Johnston's first one high over cover for four, and then batters another full one back over the bowler's ears for four more - 21 from seven balls for the opener. There's a single to mid on, McCullum takes the same to mid off and Redmond then clips a lovely one off his his toes for four more. Sizzle. Johnston tries a slower one, and Redmond laughs in his face with a mighty mow through midwicket for four more.
From John Watts, TMS inbox: "Re: 13.25 - will you be rooting for the Irish today then? Or were you indicating a Welsh allegiance?"
Strict BBC neutrality, John, of course. Rumours that I laughed for hours at Ricky Ponting's wobbling lower lip the other night can neither be confirmed or denied.
1st over: NZ 14-0
O'Connell to McCullum, and there's a single through the covers. Redmond launches the next one - too full - past extra cover for four, and then slashes a wide one past the despairing dive of gully. Another wide one is cut fine off a thick edge to third man for four more, and there's another single off the final ball. Smashing start from Enn Zed.
1328: Back in Black by AC/DC for New Zealand. After their official anthem, at least.
1325: Very strange version of Ireland's Call being played over the tannoy. Sounds like the sort of muted, orchestral version you'd expect to hear in a shopping centre. Different sort of vibe to the last time I heard it ringing out, at the Millennium Stadium in Cardiff on Grand Slam day (pauses to go misty-eyed, shake again with tension etc etc).
1320: Weather update: pleasant. Very pleasant. No requirement for brollies, no need for anything more than Factor 15. Unless Mick Hucknall decides to wander in with Geri Halliwell on his arm.
From Daniel Carter, TMS inbox: "If these are the Super Eights, are the semis and final the After Eights?"
1315: Pitch chat for you. We'll be using the same track as on Wednesday, which means there could be tweak for the flighting spinners. Memo for Swann and Rashid in the second match - give it some air. But not so much that Albie Morkel batters you into the new stand.
1310: Eight super things. Hmmm. The 1966 Beatles looking in a mirror?
1305: Still no Dan Vettori in the NZ line-up, with Jesse Ryder out of the tournament and Ross Taylor also missing. Ireland appear to be resting Boyd "Uptown Top" Rankin, which is surely a curious call.
1303: News from the toss - William Porterfield calls correctly, and Ireland will bowl first. Brendon McCullum reckons 170 will be a decent total on this Trent Bridge track.
1300: Now then. After the giggles of the group stage (sorry Punter) it's time for the serious stuff - the Super Eights. If Twenty20 can be serious. And if you can have eight super things.