That's it confirmed - he pads up to the quintessential SiBo in-swinger and is as lbw as you could ever be. That's the last action of the day, and Siders is very much the hero - six wickets in the day, and England are rampant. Curly leads his team off the field to rapturous and inebriated applause from a selection of moustachioed Yorkshiremen in flamboyant and tattered drag.
Cheers for the chat today - back again with more tomorrow, evil storm-clouds permitting...
1823 - WI 22-1: Daren Powell in as a night-watchman. He's jumpered up to the max - it's chilly out there. Little clue to his ability as a batsman: his blade is completely free of sponsors' logos.
From Pamela in Derby, TMS inbox: "Have you mentioned yet that it's Paul Collingwood's birthday today? I'd let him blow out my candle any day of the week."
1818 - WICKET - Ganga lbw Sidebottom 9, WI 20-1:
Wallop - SiBo does it again, bending one into Ganga and trapping him just in front. Tricky decision for Umps Rauf, but he goes for it - five wickets in the afternoon for the returning hero.
1812 - WI 20-0: Harmie gangles in and dredges a little bounce from the dying deck. Gayle's fighting hard against the instinct to flay anything that moves.
From Daniel Sumerfield, TMS inbox: "I'm sorry tell Stephen in Canada that I'm currently listening to TMS in Bermuda. At the close of play I'll be going down to watch my local team Legtrappers against Devonshire Rec. I may partake in a few ales in the sun while I'm there."
1806 - WI 18-0Tidier from Plunkers, although nothing to stick in your diary. Windies still trail by 405. Ouch.
From Richard in Dorset, TMS inbox: "Hardest quiz question? Try this one - 'Which group of people are allowed to duel in Uruguay?'. My team guessed Army Officers. The answer? 'Blood Donors'. How the heck can you even guess that one?"
1801 - WI 15-0Tremendous over from SiBo - that's how it's done. Gayle is beaten all ends up by three away-dippers and then edges another between 'keeper Prior and Strauss at slip. Prior dives across, but he's a fraction late and tips the ball round the post rather than hanging on.
1757 - WI 13-0 Plunkett gets the new ball ahead of Harmison, and uses it to whistle two deliveries so wide of off stump that a bat the length of a beer snake couldn't have touched them.
From David Hopkins, TMS inbox: "Sitting here in my pants in front of the aircon in a flat in Hong Kong. It's 30C and 90% humidity."
1751 - WI 9-0 The follow-on is unsurprisingly enforced, and news from the Windies dressing-room is that Sarwan will only bat in this innings "if absolutely necessary". His team-mates have 11 overs to survive tonight. Gayle edges away for three before Ganga gloves a short one down to fine leg for four.
From Stephen, North West Territories, Canada, TMS inbox: "I'm jealous of Sean in Cyprus - I'm sitting in a steel hut just south of the Arctic Circle listening to TMS on my laptop."
WEST INDIES FIRST INNINGS
1738 - WICKET - Collymore c Strauss b Sidebottom 3, WI 146 all out:
Nibble from Corey, Strauss dives forward at first slip and that's it - the Windies are all out. Follow-on a certainty, you'd think. Taylor's left on 23 not out, SiBo finishes with 4-42 from his 12. Good work. On second viewing, not sure Strauss took that cleanly - looked like the ball might have landed just short...
From Richard Hull, TMS inbox: "Colly has shown me the light; Hand on heart, I doubt I'll ever drop a catch again. The village cricket scene in Essex won't know what has hit them when I take to the field this summer."
1734 - WI 137-8: Huge cheers in the stands as two separate pint pot snakes come together in glorious unison to form one enormo behemoth. There's a third snake working its way round too - if that joins up too, we'll have one about 50 metres long. Yup - there it is...
From Chris Lowe, TMS inbox: "Regarding the world's hardest pub quiz, we had one in our local on Sunday and one of the questions was 'How many Germans were expelled from the UK between 1900 and 1914 for brothel keeping?' The answer I think was 38."
1728 - WI 133-8: Taylor drives again against the toiling Siders, aware that his partner Collymore isn't the best with the blade. A small reminder that this is the last Windies pair, too - Sarwan's shoulder injury keeping him out.
From Sean Carr in Cyprus, TMS inbox: "Me, my family and mate and his family are the last people at the pool, a bit worse for lager but now in the background of all the wedding pics of some sort who decided to get married here. Must be a decent hotel as Michael Carrick is staying here with his missus."
1719 - WICKET - Bravo b Sidebottom 23, WI 124-8:
Bravo shuffles across to the off side, is spotted by Siders and has his leg stump popped out of the ground. Great ball, super work. Pick of the bowlers by a mile, the curly one - he's got 3-20 from his nine overs.
1716 - WI 124-7: Bravo does to 22 with a battering-ram of an attempted pull that sizzles straight through mid-off. Plunkett stands with hands on hips.
1710 - WI 119-7: Good stuff from Le Derriere de Cote here - two quite nasty shortish ones to Taylor, one that beats him outside off and one that gets driven uppishly and optimistically through cover.
1702 - WI 115-7: Nice over from Sideshow, continuing to wobble the ball in to Taylor and Bravo. The latter's now moved on to 18, but with only Corey C to join him, things still look mighty bleak. You feel almost sorry for the Windies - this match is so one-sided that it's almost not enjoyable. You'd swap 15 of these thumpings for one Ashes Test triumph, no?
1656 - WICKET - Powell c Collingwood b Plunkett 8, WI 114-7:
He's done it again - three shocking wide ones, and then one pitched up which swings, takes the edge and is clutched at second slip by Colly. And if you want to know how the Ginger Supremo held on, web-users can have a little glance at this video:
1652 - WI 112-6: Harmison continues, and there's a little bounce for the big man. Powell cops one on the shoulder, and the men dressed as Peruvian pan-pipe players roar their approval.
1645 - WI 105-6: Siders back on to plug the Plunkett hole, and there's a huge shout for lbw against Powell. The aghast batsman survives as Umpo Rauf stands unmoved.
1638 - WI 99-6: Extraordinary scenes here - England are on the attack to such an extent that Monty has been stationed at fifth slip. Even Monty's laughing. Plunkett responds by flinging one way down leg, and then going five yards to the right the following ball. Next up? Half-volley on leg, and Powell tickles to fine leg for four. Zut alors.
1633 - WICKET - Ramdin c Prior b Plunkett 6, WI 94-6:
Dear oh dear - Ramdin chases a juicy away-swinger and thins it straight into Prior's mitts. Calamitous display by the Windies, who are still 476 runs behind. Try putting a positive spinneroo on that one.
1627 - WI 90-5: Plunkett continues to be consistently inconsistent, beating new man Ramdin outside off with an absolute ripper before dishing up a wide half-volley that gets smashed away for four. Getting dark out there - you can smell a bad light stoppage coming along before too long.
1620 - WICKET - Morton c Prior b Harmison 5, WI 82-5:
Absolute stinker for poor old Runako - a sharp one from Harmison goes straight through the batsman, touching nothing but air molecules - but Rudi slides his Finger of Doom up, and he's on his way. Maybe Morton's bat brushed his pad, but the ball was nowhere near. Oh dear. 288 still needed to avoid the follow-on, with no Chanderpaul or Sarwan to help out.
1616 - WI 78-4: Better from Harmie - a little more menace, although Morton still pops him away off the back foot for two through extra cover.
From John Schofield, TMS inbox: "Best wishes from the peanuts at Headingley."
1609 - WICKET - Smith c Cook b Plunkett 26, WI 74-4:
There's a pattern emerging here - the England bowler produces an over so woefully ill-directed it's hard to know where to start, and the Windies batsman then helpfully spoons a loose drive straight into the grasp of a close fielder. This time it's Smith getting Plunkers out of jail, with Cook taking a sharp bag at a shortish gully.
1603 - WICKET - Joseph c Strauss b Harmison 13, WI 68-3:
An over of total ridiculousity to start us off again after tea. Harmie's first ball is an absolute stinker, a wide so woeful it goes to the right hand of first slip. Seriously. His next delivery is a no-ball, and his third takes Cleo's edge and is pouched by a yelling Strauss at slip. Runako Morton takes a single off the next before Smith drives straight back down the ground for four. A perfect one-over summation of the floppy-armed enigma that is Steve Harmison.
1541 - WI 66-2: No dramas there from the Montmeister, and that's tea. I'm off to get a round of Earl Greys in for the boys - catch you in 20.
From Malcolm in the Cayman Islands, TMS inbox: "In 'A Dictionary of Surnames' by Patricia Hanks and Flavia Hodges (Oxford University Press 1988) Sidebottom is described as N(orthern) English: Habitation name from a place in Cheshire, from Old English Sid (wide) Botham (valley).┐
1538 - WI 65-2: Cleofoster's warming up here - the over after chipping Plunkers past cover for a lofty four, he flips Harmie off his pads for four more. Bellows of approval from the stands as Monty removes his baggy jumper for the last over before tea.
From Adam Bayfield, TMS inbox: "Re Paul Allan, I think the question has more to do with the hedonism and abandonment of the social mores of the Old World that came from living in a 'frontier' society where there was an extremely high death rate. Still, I can't get the image of John Wayne and Clint Eastwood having a shoot-out on a Barbados beach out of my head."
1532 - WI 55-2: Harmie on for a canter down the hill, but he ships four leg byes with a loose one before being driven with a flourish by Smith through cover for another four. 0-25 off his five overs so far.
From Jodie Sheward, TMS inbox: "Can you help avoid a divorce? It was actually Darren Sheward and not Jodie (his wife) who made the observation about Ryan┐s side orifice. Darren┐s Aussie wife would never have been crude enough to make such an observation. Any marriage guidance advice gratefully received."
1528 - WI 45-2: More sprayaway from Liam. Sylvester Joseph, who delights in the middle name Cleofoster, leaves the wide ones alone with chilled-boot disdain.
1522 - WI 44-2: Whoopsie - Sideshow strays down leg, and Smith's pad tickle it away for four leg byes. An over-correcter short and wide outside off is then slapped to the cover boundary. Grimace from Curly.
1518 - WI 36-2: With Harmie sent off for breather, Plunkett comes on for a joust and prompty sprays it all over the shop-front.
From Paul Allan, TMS inbox: "As for the Wild West Question, it's flawed. The Wild West and the frontier is a product of the American imagination and never really existed as it is presented on the big screen."
1512 - WI 31-2: More threat from England's newest hero, hair flailing around in Medusa fashion as he bounds in to the crease. Boos from the crowd as stewards attempt to confiscate a pint-pot anaconda being constructed on the Western Terrace.
From Steve in Adelaide, TMS inbox: "My wife is a colostomy nurse and has informed me that when you have a colostomy, it often goes on your side for ease of use. As you usual bottom is sewn up, surely this qualifies as a ┐side-bottom┐?"
They sew up your trusty old friend? Really? How long has this been going on for?
1506 - WI 29-2: Harmie continues from the other end, and he's all over the shop. Smith slaps a short wide one through point for four, and Harmie does that jumper-picking thing with his fingers as he stands baffled halfway down the track.
From Jodie Sheward, TMS inbox: "A side bottom would be excellent were you ever caught short on the M42, assuming your side were positioned door-side."
1500 - WICKET - Ganga lbw Sidebottom 5, WI 23-2:
He's done it again! Ganga shoulders arms to another in-dipper, is struck bang in front and Rudi points skywards once again. Ganga's hopes go up in smoke, and England are cockahoop.
1452 - WICKET - Gayle lbw Sidebottom 11, WI 17-1:
Joy unconfined for Sideshow - his first ever Test wicket! Gayle's the victim, playing round a straightener just after belting two dreamy fours off the same bowler. Rudi K raises his slow finger, and the bowler is mobbed by his team-mates cantering in from all areas.
1447 - WI 9-0: Steady from Sideshow - consistent in-dip, although at the sort of pace that wouldn't worry a sleepy snail. Other big worry with a side bottom would be the nappy issue in childhood. All sorts of problems. Brings to mind Rolf Harris's chat on Jake the Peg: "The day that I was born, my father nearly died/ He couldn't put my nappy on no matter how he tried."
1439 - WI 6-0: Harmo from the other end, and his first delivery is a no-ball. Hmm. Gayle drops a single into the on-side before Daren Ganga drives for three, with Monty pulling off an impressive sliding stop to save the boundary. A side bottom would of course cause problems for cyclists, assuming the whole buttock area were shifted, rather than just the volcano's yawning mouth. Nothing to sit on - painful business.
From Harold Singleton, TMS inbox: "I'm currently at UCL and I get the honour of viewing Jeremy Betham's preserved body in a box in the centre of uni. He gets wheeled out to sit at the head of the AGM every year. Hope that is of some help."
1434 - WI 1-0: So then - the Windies begin their gargantuan task, and it's Ryan Sidebottom who gets the cherry. Gayle pushes a single to get off the mark, and there's deffo some inswing there for Sideshow Bob. Wonder what it would actually be like to have a bottom in your side.
From Rob Lewis, TMS inbox: "Re the Bentham question - dear utilitarian Jeremy B was simply saying that there was no logical sense to innate human rights (as proposed by the French Revolution) and that rights should come from humans interacting in society (for the greatest good of the greatest number). Hence radicalism such as parliamentary reform and redistribution of power and economic value in society versus vested interest was quite possible."
1420 - WICKET - Pietersen c Taylor b Bravo 226, Eng 570-7 dec:
KP smashes Gayle for another monstrous maximum, this time over midwicket. He tries to do the same against Bravo, gets a steepling outside edge and is finally bagged in the deep. Vaughan reluctantly stands up on the England balcony and calls the boys in, and that's the declaration - fantastic knock from Pietersen, super support from Plunkers (left dry on 44 n.o.) and a whole heap of trouble for the Windies.
From Mike in Cambridge, TMS inbox: "Geochemists often appeal to a subduction component of sedimentary origin to explain the chemical features of arc lavas. Explain the basis for this assumption. How does this sedimentary signature end up in the erupted products of arc volcanoes?"
This is terrible - like being exposed to the world's hardest pub quiz. I thought I had a decent grounding in most major subjects, yet I've been exposed here like a flasher's family silver.
1414 - Eng 550-6: That clattering sound you just heard was the wheels coming off the Windies wagon. Plunkett top-edges Powell straight down Collymore's throat at deep square leg, only for Corey to juggle the snag comically over the ropes for four. The hapless fielder looks angry enough to punch himself in the face.
1408 - Eng 542-6: Aye-aye - England's 12th man has trotted on, ostensibly with a range of beverages but clearly to actually deliver some declaration-based chat from the skipper. Gayle's the man to pay for the hurry-up, as KP batters him high over mid-off for the first six of the innings, nabs a three and then watches Plunkett drive beautifully for four more.
From Tom Deacon, TMS inbox: "'How did Bentham square his later support for political radicalism with his belief that notions of rights were "nonsense on stilts"?'"
1400 - Eng 521-6:
Pietersen drives sumptuously for four through cover, edges just short of first slip off Gayle and then clips off his toes for two - and that's his maiden Test double-ton. He removes his lid and waves his blade at Mrs KP, who claps in a delicate manner. Plunkers jogs down the track and offers a manly hand. Still no sign of a declaration - in fact, all three of England's remianing batsmen are perched on the England balcony in full pad regalia.
1356 - Eng 513-6: Surprisingly role reversal here - KP has dropped a light sea anchor while Plunkers is going on the rampage, cutting Powell to the point boundary and flicking extravagantly to fine leg to nick the strike.
From Adam Bayfield, TMS inbox: "Here's one: 'To what extent was the Caribbean the "Wild West" of the 17th century?'"
Hmm. Were there cowboys in Hispaniola? Saloon-bar shoot-outs? Tobacco-chewing hustlers spinning Colt 45s on their index fingers?
1348 - Eng 505-6: Gayle to Plunkers, and the occasional BBC blogger helps himself to a thumper off the back foot past cover.
From Chris Olivant, TMS inbox: "I'm not in B&Q as the nearest one is miles away. To compensate for missing out on the National Bank Holiday Weekend outing I am intending to hide all items of DIY that I require on a really high shelf in an area of my house that I wouldn't expect them to be and where I can't reach them. At the same time I will get someone to occasionally hit me round the head with a curtain pole or bit of skirting board and fail to apologise."
1344 - Eng 499-6: Cheeky single to KP off Powell's first ball, followed by five dotters to Plunkett. Lot of chat in the inbox now about exams and exam revision. Feel free to chuck over any taxing essay questions - we'll see if we can answer them between us.
1341 - Eng 498-6: Whoosh - have to say that was one of the best lunch breaks I've enjoyed in a while. Sensing a little weariness tugging at my trouser legs, I popped into the room next door and tucked into 40 excellent winks. Revitalised just doesn't come close.
From Mark, TMS inbox: "I've just whisked the wife round B&Q in order to get back in front of the computer. As a result we are now going to have an aubergine colour living room."
1300 BST - Eng 498-6: That's luncheon, with Plunkers off the mark with a controlled outside edge for four. KP's left on 189, and in an unsubtle hint to his skipper he leaves his lid out in the middle before strolling off for a peck. Declare at your peril, Vaughano...
From Andrew des'Ascoyne, TMS inbox: "Re Scooby-Doo in the crowd - he was at the Forces Rugby Union Final last year at Twickers (Army vs Navy) and started a fight with the officials who were miffed with the spectators chanting the Scoobydoo theme tune to him. He was frogmarched out while Shaggy and Superman tried to run to his aid."
1255 BST - WICKET - Prior b Powell 75, Eng 489-6:
Tell you what - that was a super delivery from Powell, dipping in and then seaming away to tap the top of off. Everyone's a little shocked - we'd forgotten what it was like for England to lose a wicket. Plunkers next in.
From Sam in Kent, TMS inbox: "Tomage -I will emailage you as long as you stoppage putting 'age' on the end of everythingage. OKage?"
1248 BST - Eng 485-5: Big appeal for caught behind against Prior, but Rudi K frowns it away. Prior responds with a bottom-hand bash through midwicket to rattle along to 75. KP's stuck on 185, and you fear he could be running out of time for his dooblay - Vaughan must be eyeing a luncheon declaration...
From Liam in Barnsley, TMS inbox: "I'd blame Panorama for the no chat Tom - scaring everyone about those pesky internet wireless connections."
1240 BST - Eng 475-5: First-class thumpage from Prior, carting Bravo high over mid-off for a brutal four. Partnership's up to 146, with the stumper on 65 off 87 balls. Reckon he can pouch a second Test ton on the bounce?
1234 BST - Eng 468-5: Touch of jammage from Pietersen, who gets an inside edge past his stumps off Bravo for four and then slashes a chance straight between first and second slip.
From Sarah Ansell, TMS inbox: "Are you not getting many emails Tom, or are they just rubbish quality?"
I've got to be honest, Sarah - I've never known a day like it. Barely a whisper of chat, and it's left me a touch disheartened. I know it's a Bank Holiday weekend, but surely not everyone's gone to B&Q?
1229 BST - Eng 459-5: KP gets busy against Bravo, blasting a flamingo drive to the cover boundary to move to 175. England ticking along at 4.5 runs an over in this morning session.
1222 BST - Eng 448-5: Bravo into the fray, and Prior throws his mighty willow at a wide one to pick up four more. It's all happy days for England fans, for sure, but let's spare a thought here for the Badger - so recently the only shiny-headed England stumper any of us cared about. Mind you, he failed to return a single one of the messages I left on his mobile last month, when I was trying to set up a little interview. Must have phoned him at least six times, and he didn't even chuck me a text.
1216 BST - Eng 441-5:
The sweetest of cover drives off Taylor brings Prior his half-ton, and as he waves his bat to all corners a man dressed as Long John Silver dances a merry hornpipe.
1210 BST - Eng 437-5: Smasher Prior thumps Taylor wide of point for four to move to 47, off 70 balls. It's all very comfortable out there - if it weren't so mockers-inducing, I'd very much be giving it the "KP 200, Prior 100" chat right now.
1203 BST - Eng 431-5: Up comes the 100 partnership, and we'll take a little drinks break there. Steady as she goes for England so far, although with that stinking weather forecast in place for the next few days the draw is still nosing in front.
1158 BST - Eng 427-5: The biggest roar of the day so far as KP slashes at a wide one, gets an outside edge and picks up four to third man to move to 160 - his highest ever Test score. Three times he's been snaffled on 158. He wants the double-tonnage, no two ways about it.
1154 BST - Eng 417-5: Good work from Corey C - he knows Prior is prone to waftage outside off, and so tempts him with four loopy outswingers. Prior plays and misses, and then swears at himself quite loudly.
1147 BST - Eng 412-5:
With a stunted drive into the covers, KP nabs his 150 to the warmest of applause from the gallery. It's taken him 317 minutes, off 193 balls with 16 fours. He waves to Mrs KP, who's wearing a bright pink hoodie and sunglasses so large they could shield the face of a woolly mammoth.
Jonathan Agnew, TMS: "Pietersen's girlfriend is a lovely lady. I met her in the West Indies - she was very friendly. We conversed quietly about cricketing matters."
1143 BST - Eng 410-5: Here we go - the new ball is tossed to Corey, and he starts swinging it with immediate effect. Prior is beaten outside off stump, and Collymore gives him a lingering look. Not that sort of lingering look, obviously.
1136 BST - Eng 401-5: A small window of calm - better from Collymore and Powell, wintry grey clouds overhead and the ground still filling up. Still no sign of the new ball, although it's very much available.
From Ben Chambers, TMS inbox: "I note that the Bangladesh skipper won he toss and put the Indians in to bat. Do you think he was happy with his decision when India were 400 without loss?"
1132 BST - Eng 400-5: Cheeky leg-bye off Pietersen's thigh guard brings up another England landmark. KP needs five more for his 150; Prior 119 for his.
1128 BST - Eng 399-5: If you thought this match was one-sided, have a gander at the Test between India and Bangladesh taking place in Dhaka at the moment. The Tigers, it's probably fair to say, are somewhat on the back foot - they're 7-4, in reply to India's 610-3. And India have dropped two catches.
1122 BST - Eng 395-5: Super shot from Prior, spotting a short one from Powell in a flash and smashing it high over wide mid-on for a ripper of a four. The ball bounces over the advertising hoardings and is caught by a surprised man strolling past with his cool-box. He raises the ball to the stands and is rewarded with a smattering of applause.
1118 BST - Eng 386-5: KP goes to 143 with a push through midwicket before Prior does the same to move along to 23. Prior's sporting a Michael Jordan-style forearm sweatband, albeit in crisp white rather than Chicago Bulls red.
1113 BST - Eng 380-5: Prior clearly had a couple of cans of Red Bull for elevensies - he's wafting at anything that moves. Las Vegas or bust for the Sussex stumper today.
1107 BST - Eng 377-5: Powell hasn't woken up yet either - he serves up a slice of nonsense pie to Prior, who helps himself to a three off the back foot past cover. Considerable chuntering from G Boycott in the TMS commentary box. The gist of it seems to be this: most things are rubbish. And those which aren't could still be improved by listening to the advice of G Boycott.
1103 BST - Eng 372-5: Ominous grey clouds overhead, but KP doesn't care - he tickles Corey Collymore off his pads to fine leg for four. Not the best start from C-C.
1040 BST: Questions before play gets underway again at a Major-grey Headingley: can KP finally get past 158 in a Test match? Will Matt Prior give it some slaphead smasheroo? Will the lads dressed as giant bags of peanuts be dry-roasted by lunchtime?
1005 BST - A thick blanket of cloud dominates the Leeds skyline... England's bowlers will hope it is still there when they bowl, but they don't want it to rain.