WORLD CUP SUPER 8, Barbados: England 154 all out lost to South Africa 157-1 by nine wickets
England crashed out of the World Cup after slumping to a dismal nine-wicket defeat by South Africa in Barbados.
Andrew Hall took a devastating four wickets from just nine deliveries as England collapsed from 111-3 to 121-8 and were all out for just 154.
South Africa needed just 19.2 overs to book their semi-final place.
Graeme Smith (89 not out) and AB de Villiers smashed England's bowlers about as the South Africans made Michael Vaughan's team look very poor.
ALL THE ACTION AS IT HAPPENEDS (ALL TIMES GMT)
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20th over: SA 157-1 - SOUTH AFRICA WIN BY NINE WICKETS
Fittingly, Saj is the man to serve up the final pie of the day, and Smith smashes it straight down the ground for four. He finishes 89 not out, and England leave the pitch to a chorus of whistles and boos. Saj's figures: 0-49 off 4.2 overs.
Rhodes version: there is no Rhodes version.
19th over: SA 150-1
Jimmy A brought back to do a Malinga. He decides to save the fireworks until the final over, lulling Smith into a false sense of security by allowing him another huge four over midwicket.
18th over: SA 144-1
The thing about Saj is that he's always got something special up his sleeve. This over - in between the short one stuck away for a thumping four by Smith, and the twos and easy ones - he manages to get Kallis to nick behind - except he's no-balled by about half a metre.
Rhodes version: "That'll rattle Kallis. He just can't keep pace with his skipper. Huge question-marks over his technique against the no-ball."
17th over: SA 135-1
It's actually getting worse - honestly. Smith lines up Freddie and batters him for three consecutive fours down the ground. 74 off 49 deliveries for the skipper.
Rhodes version: "No way Smith can make his century here, and that'll hurt him. "
From Jon Williams in New York, TMS inbox: "Sometimes when I do bad things at my job, I simply say I've done a Saj and we all chuckle along."
16th over: SA 121-1
Relax - Saj is back on. Smith is so excited he almost falls over trying to get down the pitch at him, but still manages to hoist the four over wide midwicket.
Rhodes version: "Huge, huge improvement from Mahmood - nine fewer runs off this over than his last one."
From Mark Piercy, TMS inbox: "I still believe we can do it. I once saw a team lose 9 wickets for less than 50 runs... oh wait, it was England."
15th over: SA 116-1
Fred keeps it tight. I'm sorry - Fred temporarily makes it slighty less untight.
From Iain Kings, TMS inbox: "I think there's something of an art to consistent mediocrity. Is there a 5th/6th place playoff in this tournament that England could display more 'not being up for the occasion' at?"
14th over: SA 115-1
Smith goes to his 50 off just 34 balls. Just to remind you, Michael Vaughan took 20 balls to get his first run. England hit 15 fours in their entire innings - South Africa have already clouted 16. Massed departures from the England fans at the Kensington Oval.
From Simon Prosser, TMS inbox: "The paper planes thing we're not too good at. Our front end is over-complicated and a bit soft, the middle was designed to go very slowly and the tail end is just non-existent."
13th over: SA 107-1
Two singles off Fred, and this is so easy even Kallis is smiling. Or at least baring his teeth.
Rhodes version: "South Africa in desperate trouble - almost 50 runs still needed, and just 37 overs in which to get them. Lose another wicket now and they're toast."
12th over: SA 105-1
Colly on for a wobble, and Kallis batters him between midwicket and mid-on for a brutal four. "Oooh, Colly!" shouts Badger. "Nice area, Colly-boy!"
From Neil in New York, TMS inbox: "Can you please relieve the acid burning sensation in my chest, by injection a touch of 'Terry Rhodes' into your commentary? It may well save me a trip to St. Vincent's Hospital in about 40 minutes."
11th over: SA 100-1
"Stumping, Monty! Stumping, Monty!" barks the insane Badger, as Smith cuts Panesar effortlessly for four before smacking him high over his head for a one-bounce four. "You and me, Mont!" shouts Badger. Mahmood then produces a sublime moment on the point boundary by jogging across to Kallis's gentle cut and booting it accidentally over the rope for four, in the manner of a clown entertaining children.
10th over: WICKET - De Villiers c Nixon b Flintoff 42, SA 85-1
Doom-mongers, where are you now? England are right back in thi... oh, who am I trying to fool? AB slashes at a quicker one from Fred and thins a nick to Badger, who celebrates as if he's just won a gold Blue Peter badge.
From James Charlick, TMS inbox: "I'm thinking I need to turn to a different, less harrowing sport the British are somewhat better at. Do you know what we're like with paper planes?"
9th over: SA 80-0
Even in this hapless, hopeless situation, Badger is still churning out the Woodward-style positives. "Monty - ninth over!" he shouts, just before De Villiers crunches Panesar for two delicious square fours. "Catch it!" he shouts, as the second one races along the ground to the boundary.
8th over: SA 71-0
Even Fred's having a 'mare - Smith carts him down to third man for four off a big outside edge before he slings one wide and then no-balls.
From Richard Stephenson, TMS inbox: "Did Gatt bring along the fat lady for a reason, and has she started warming up yet?"
7th over: SA 64-0
Smith clips Jimmy happily over square leg for three; AB leans into a wide one and creams it for four through cover. Just seen England's wagon-wheel graphic from their first five overs - it looks like a clock-face showing 10 to five. South Africa's looks like a game of pick-up-sticks.
From Darius Bradley, TMS inbox: "England's World Cup song should be So Solid Crew's 21 Seconds To Go."
6th over: SA 54-0
Vaughan turns to Flintoff like a drowning man grasping desperately at a passing pedalo. Smith licks his lips and drives him straight down the ground for four, before both AB and Badger Nixon miss a vicious in-cutter. Four byes, and Flintoff stares skywards. At the same stage, England had scored seven.
5th over: SA 44-0
Interesting contrast: at the same stage of their innings, England were 5-0. Hmm. Anderson gets cracked away for another four by AB, before getting a clear edge behind. England celebrate, but Umpire Bucknor refuses to give it - a staggering decision. Anderson walks up to De Villiers and tells him to take a stroll, but De Villiers laughs in his face.
4th over: SA 37-0
Watching Saj in action is enough to make grown men cry - and so let my tears fall onto the keyboard to type the following words: 14 off the over, including two smashers of fours from AB.
3rd over: SA 23-0
Two twos to Smith as Anderson strays, plus a lazy wide for good measure. De Villiers calls for a drink. They might as well bring him a cigar to go with it.
2nd over: SA 17-0
Question for you - does Saj come on and bowl a searing over of pace that leaves the batsmen unable to score a run - or does he stray down leg, drop short outside off stump and get flayed all over by the happy South African pair?
1st over: SA 3-0
Right - let's have it - Jimmy A to AB-V, and there's a single to leg straight away. Skipper Smith then does likewise for two. Nae devils in the pitch so far.
From Henry Broadbent in TMS inbox: "Re England's World Cup song: surely the Bob Marley classic 'Exodus' fits the bill."
From Andy Shipman: TMS inbox: "Faced with listening to the inevitable South Africa response of 155-2 off 35 overs - or something equally disheartening - I'm going into the garden to build a children's play shed. See, England? See what you've driven me to?"
From David Hewitt, TMS inbox: "Have the England team released a World Cup song for this tournament? If so, when put on the stereo, does it simply play as a 3 minute 47 second long raspberry, concluding with a predictable whimper?"
48th over: WICKET - Anderson lbw Hall 0, Eng 154 all out
That's your lot - Jimmy A is trapped in front by Hall, leaving the all-rounder with figures of 5-18 - the best ever return by a South African in the World Cup. Ravi's left dry on 27 not out. South Africa will need 154 to reach the semis. Heavy, heavy sigh.
From David Coleman, TMS inbox: "To my brother who flew out to the Windies to watch this match and the remainder of our World Cup - who's laughing now, baldy?"
From Jem McDowall, TMS inbox: "My great-great grandad was Cecil Rhodes. He wasn't a nice bloke - never gave cakes to anyone. Just took your tribal lands in the name of Queen and country. He rode a horse called Mondeo though."
47th over: Eng 153-9
That's more like it - Ravi smashes Nel through cover off the back foot for four, and then steals the strike by digigng out a sizzling yorker. Big finish coming up now - here were go...
From Eddie McShane, TMS inbox: "I once saw Andrew Flintoff drop a gherkin from his burger onto the floor and still eat it. It was only on the floor for three seconds though."
46th over: Eng 145-9
Interesting tactics from Ravi - he plays out for dot balls and then takes a single and thus the strike, for all the world if this was the fourth day of a nail-biting Test with England inching towards victory.
From David Tyson, TMS inbox: "Just to clarify, Shaun Pollock phoned my mate's mum, not his own mum in South Africa."
45th over: WICKET - Panesar c Boucher b Nel 2, Eng 144-9
Sigh. Monts throws his under-used blade at Nel's wide one and nicks an easy one to Boucher. Nel celebrates like he's just dismissed Don Bradman for a duck.
44th over: Eng 143-8
We'll get 'em in singles, says Ravi. Monty watches mutely.
From Paul Gambrill, TMS inbox: "I own a washing machine that was given to me by Paul Nixon ? his wife worked with my mum. He signed the washing machine on the side."
43rd over: Eng 142-8
Rav nicks a single first ball, leaving Monty free to waft airily at the remaining deliveries. They haven't bowled him one that would have hit the stumps yet - a cunning variation on the tactics favoured by Saj Mahmood.
42nd over: Eng 141-8
Kallis to Bopara, a slash at a wide one and the edge flies just past Boucher's beseeching right glove. Monty's face is a mask of concentration, bless him - he's taking this extremely seriously.
41st over: Eng 136-8
Pollock in, and huge cheers as Monty drives him off the back foot for a single. Brief taster of the subject-lines in the emails now coming in: "Disgrace" (455), "Rubbish" (621), "I Sell You Viagra" (4,890 - I forgot to put Spam Manager on).
40th over: Eng 134-8
Ravi, the boy on the burning deck, drives the returning Langeveldt through extra cover for four and then tickles another off his hips for four more. Hall looks a touch narked to be taken off, and who can blame him - he's taken 4-16 off eight...
From Kevin Sinclair, TMS inbox: "On the bright side, it's a one-day game, so at least Mahmood can't get a pair."
39th over: Eng 124-8
Nel in to Monty, and there's four identical plays-and-misses outside off before a no-ball and wide brings limp cheers from the shell-shocked England fans.
From Jonathan Eddy, TMS inbox: "I was recently fortunate enough to have a door opened for me by Mike Gatting. I think he knew we weren't both going to fit through it at the same time."
38th over: WICKET - Mahmood b Hall 0, Eng 121-8
Right, Terry Rhodes - how d'you want me to describe this? Saj goes for a golden quacker, jabbing down late on another in-dipper and playing on. Sure he's saving his energy to take 7-15 in an hour or so's time.
37th over: Eng 121-7
Maiden from Nel, and Andre is distraught not to get amongst it.
36th over: WICKET - Nixon c Boucher b Hall 1, Eng 121-7
...but not for long - Hall angles one across The Badger, there's a skinny nick and Boucher's throwing it skywards in the blink of an eye. Three wickets to Hall, and England's hopes rest with Ravi, Saj, Monty and Jimmy.
36th over: WICKET - Flintoff b Hall 5, Eng 119-6
Woe, calamity and more woe - Fred is clean-bowled by an in-nipper from Hall. He tried to drive, left an open gate the size of barn door and his middle stump is left at 45 degrees. It's the Nicko and Bopara show again...
35th over: Eng 119-5
England's trumpeter plays a jaunty version of "Is She Really Going Out With Him," as Bopara and Flintoff take a single apiece off the snarling Nel.
From Jim Fussell in Bristol, TMS inbox: "I used to live three doors down from Jonty Rhodes. I never met him, he never gave me and my girlfriend cakes but I can tell you that he drove a Ford Focus at the time, if that helps."
34th over: WICKET - Collingwood lbw Hall 30, Eng 115-5
Graeme Smith's wagging his finger like Dennis Taylor at the Crucible in 1985 - another bowling change has done the bizzo. Colly misses a straight one from Hall and England, much like the Knopfler brothers, are in dire straits.
From David Tyson, TMS inbox: "Shaun Pollock once found my mate's mobile phone at a golf driving range in London and phoned his mum and had a chat. Nice bloke apparently."
33rd over: WICKET - Strauss c Smith b Kallis 46, Eng 111-4
The break and Nelson do for Strauss - the left-hander tries to cut Kallis but succeeds only in finding Graeme Smith at second slip. Freddie is forced from his slumber in the stands. Can the big man return to form at the most crucial of times?
32nd over: Eng 110-3
Four dabbed singles off Pollock, and England dawdle to the drinks break.
From Thomas Wright, TMS inbox: "When this farce is over, who out of the current players and management team deserve to survive?"
Thomas - it's bad, I agree, but is it really worth the death penalty?"
31st over: Eng 106-3
At the current rate, England will make 170. In the Greenidge and Haynes Stand, a man in a checked shirt who looks a little like Wayne Coyne of the Flaming Lips is fast asleep, his head lolling onto his chest.
30th over: Eng 104-3
Uh-oh - Pollock's back on, and the wheels sink a little deeper. On the England balcony, Andrew Flintoff is laughing at an anecdote told by Stuart Broad. Monty, staring into the middle distance like a Vietnam vet, is impassive.
29th over: Eng 102-3
Single to Strauss off Kallis, and England's wagon wheel are stuck in the South African mud.
From Thomas Ford, TMS inbox: "What does it take to be mentioned by Tom Fordyce? This is my third email!"
A name spookily similar to my own should do it, Thomas. Although enough of this "three emails" chat - this is the World Cup, not the John Player Sunday League, and standards are suitably high.
28th over: Eng 101-3
Colly loosens the shackles with one of those shovel-flips he invented in Australia - the ball pitches full outside off, and he bottom-hands it past his left hip for a very cheeky four. Gatts has disappeared - probably to knock out a few sit-ups before lunch.
27th over: Eng 95-3
Kallis kontinues, and just two singles.
From Aidan Potts, TMS inbox: "Is Collingwood's 'ginger application' a new and extremely high-strength suncream?"
26th over: Eng 93-3
Four singles off Kemp. On the England balcony, Monty P sneezes four times in rapid succession, pauses, and then furtively licks his upper lip.
25th over: Eng 89-3
There's the halfway stage, and this rate of progress England will total, er... carry the one, minus the... 178. Hmm.
Alternative description for Terry Rhodes: "Magnificent from England - a full seven wickets in hand, with the in-form Flintoff next. Graeme Smith, realising the game is almost up, has words with Strauss about the possibility of acquiring an English passport."
24th over: Eng 85-3
Justin Kemp grabs the ball, and the adrenaline gets a bit too much for him - he tries to bounce Strauss despite the fact that Boucher the Poucher is standing up, and it's four byes. A girl in the crowd wearing a St George's cross bikini notices the camera pointing at her and juggles her assets in Faliraki fashion.
23rd over: Eng 76-3
Lordy - a shortish one from Big Jacques leaps off the pitch and spits in Strauss's face. Nasty, although possibly good news for England - if the pitch keeps producing tricks like that, it could get far worse later doors. The unruffled Strauss then slap-cuts for two to deep square leg.
22nd over: Eng 70-3
Hall, his number-one cut failing to disguise a slight thinning at the front, almost decapitates Colly with a fearsome lifter. Colly blinks calmly and dead-bats away the remaining deliveries - it's a maiden. Jacques Kallis warming his massive shoulders up - looks like he's ready for a joust.
21st over: Eng 70-3
Hello - Colly's woken up - he sticks out his front pad and drives Nel through extra cover for four. Up in the stands, a stern-faced Mike Gatting thumps his leg in applause. Gatt's sitting with a similarly-large lady - not sure what Mrs Gatt looks like, but you'd like to see an eat-off between these two.
20th over: Eng 64-3
Hall again, and a hurried single apiece. For the mathsphobics among you, England's run-rate is a champagne three-and-a-bit an over.
19th over: Eng 62-3
Nel fires one at Colly's nose, there's a big edge - and the ball flies just over Hall at second slip for four. Nel laughs manically. To clarify how the first England wicket fell: Bell was caught by Ashwell Prince, not the stunted musical maestro behind Purple Rain and Loxesexy.
18th over: Eng 56-3
Hall to new man Colly, and it's a maiden. Classic Colly display - not a sniff of aggression or backlift, but a whole heap of ginger application.
From Alex James, TMS inbox: "What would Terry Rhodes prefer? A completely fabricated commentary pertaining to a game of cricket we all wish was happening?"
17th over: WICKET - Pietersen c Smith b Nel 3, Eng 53-3
Calamity for England, delirium for South Africa - KP tries to flick to leg, gets a leading edge and Graeme Smith sprints in from mid-off to bag a diving catch. That's about as bad as it gets for Pietersen - snagged by his arch-enemy, bowled by The Stare - and England are on the ropes. Paul Nixon - your hour is nearly here...
16th over: Eng 53-2
Wallop - Strauss pulls Hall through midwicket with gusto, and intoxicated England fans wave "4" placards with fervour.
15th over: Eng 47-2
Nice from Strauss - Nel drops short outside off and gets slashed over point for four. There's a push through cover for two, and steam comes out of Nel's ears. 13 South African-born players on the pitch, fact fans.
From Terry Rhodes, TMS inbox: "I am getting absolutely fed up with the negative online commentary provided on the England games by Tom Fordyce and co."
14th over: Eng 39-2
Single apiece to the batsman off Andrew Hall, and Pietersen gets a laser stare from all 11 members of the South African side. In case you're unaware of the history behind this particular showdown, Pietersen left his homeland for England because of the quota system - South African rules state that no team can field more than three massive egos in any one match.
13th over: Eng 37-2
Right - this is it - Kevin Pietersen strides in, and Nel - almost visibly salivating - bounces a snorter into his chest. His follow-through takes him to just under KP's nose, where he stays for a short while playing eyeball tennis.
13th over: WICKET - Vaughan lbw Nel 17, Eng 37-2
Nel is in danger of exploding with happiness - his second ball cannons into the hapless Vaughan's front pad, and after a good three seconds Umpire Bucknor slowly raises his Finger of Doom. Vaughan was in such a state he was almost out twice - he was so far down the pitch when Buck finally moved that he would have been run out had Kallis's throw from gully hit.
12th over: Eng 37-1
It's Bombay or bust for this pair at the moment - Strauss rocks back to Charl and batters him high over the square leg boundary for a massive six. He then gets a big edge which falls just short of first slip.
From Paul B in Maidstone, TMS inbox: "I used to live in a house over AB de Villier's flat in London - he and his girlfriend gave us cakes when we moved in."
11th over: Eng 29-1
Strauss has clearly been sitting too close to his captain in team meetings and been laid low with a bad case of Vaughanitis - he scratches feebly against Pollock before scrambling a single off the final ball. Andre Nel, everyone's favourite cartoon villain, throws the stumps down pointlessly from about four yards away, stares hard at Vaughan and then grins like the Cheshire cat.
From Richard Hudson, TMS inbox: "Why can I not shrug off the Benny Hill theme tune currently ringing in my ears?"
10th over: Eng 28-1
Ah - Vaughan was just toying with us - he pulls Charl high over square leg for four, and then pushes him off the back foot wide of midwicket for another. That's right - he's hit two fours, both deliberately. Charl looks ashamed.
From James Newman, TMS inbox: "Brilliant - England seem to be working at tactical levels far beyond the average man's comprehension. If only we could begin to understand..."
9th over: Eng 19-1
It's chaos out there - after ending the last over by top-edging a Bellesque horror-pull over Boucher's head for four, Vaughan almost runs out new-man Strauss with a suicidal yes-no nightmare. De Villiers' throw misses by a breadth of a cream cracker. Strauss picks himself up and gets off the mark with a two flicked to leg. Gulp.
8th over: WICKET - Bell c Prince b Langeveldt 7, Eng 9-1
That'll teach 'em - Bell swipes horribly at one way outside off and spoons it high to square leg, where Prince does the simple honours. Widespread disgust in the BBC commentary box - that was an absolute shocker of a shot...
7th over: Eng 9-0
Kaboom! Vaughan gets off the mark after a mere 20 deliveries, getting a thick edge through gully for one. You can't defend against those sort of fireworks. Bell does the same, and England are rampant.
6th over: Eng 7-0
Bell shovels Charl away for two and then fences blindly at the remaining five. You haven't lost it - this is a one-day international.
5th over: Eng 5-0
Don't want to worry England fans here, but Vaughan's facing Pollock with all the success of a man waving a wet piece of spaghetti at a passing pea. Another maiden, and various fielders trot past the skipper to offer a few kind words of advice.
From Mark Freeman, Knoxville, Tennessee, TMS inbox: "To quote John Cleese: 'I can take the despair. It's the hope I can't stand.'"
4th over: Eng 5-0
Bell marches down the track to Charl and clips him through midwicket for the first four of the day. Charl wipes his sweaty bonce and then produces a ball which - get this - beats Bell's poke and clips the varnish of off-stump without displacing the bail. Huge appeal for a catch behind by Boucher and Smith, but nothing can be given - and Smith looks almost sick with disbelief.
3rd over: Eng 1-0
Joy unconfined - a run for England! Bell jabs at a short one and runs it down to third man for a single. Huge cheers from the massed ranks of England fans in the stands; ironic applause and whistles from the South African punters.
2nd over: Eng 0-0
The massive Charl Langeveldt opens from the other end, and it's as you were - six shortish of a length outside off, and Vaughan leaves 'em all alone. He's doing that strangely camp thing with his head when he's waiting for the delivery, looking over his left shoulder in a very Larry Grayson manner.
1st over: Eng 0-0
With shaking hands I type the words: "No wickets lost". Pollock opens to Bell, who's coming down the track already in the style of a young boy trying to scare away the school bullies by puffing out his chest and speaking in a deeper voice. Big boomers from Pollock just outside off, and Bell only lays bat on one.
Just seen Duncan Fletcher's face - he looks as thrilled as a man who's just been sentenced to 15 years in jail.
From Richard Young, TMS inbox: "I can't handle the tension..."
Let's nail some permutations before it all goes mental:
If South Africa beat England, SA go through whatever happens on Saturday between England and the West Indies.
If Eng beat SA and WI, Eng go through
If Eng beat SA but lose to WI, and WI beat Bangladesh, it goes down to run-rate between Eng and WI.
In the last case, SA or WI could go through if England are absolutely thrashed on Saturday - but WI would need to thrash Bdesh.
You've got to love the format of this World Cup - only in cricket could you be as insanely inconsistent as South Africa or as relentlessly mediocre as England and still be in with a sniff of making the semis. I'm not downplaying the thrills, mind you...
Pitch in Barbados looks hard and bouncy - if it behaves like it did the other day, it'll get slower and lower as the day goes on.
First blood to England - Michael Vaughan's won the toss and will have a bat. No messing about today - this is a must-win game for both these sides.
Deep breaths all round - this is massive...