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South Africa v New Zealand
Grenada, 14 April 2007

Test Match Special podcast | Blog



WORLD CUP SUPER 8, GRENADA: New Zealand 192-5 (48.2 overs) bt South Africa 193-7 (50 overs) by five wickets

New Zealand were too strong for an uncertain South Africa side, winning by five wickets with 10 balls left.

The result ensures New Zealand's entry into the World Cup semi-finals, and means Tuesday's England v South Africa match is a virtual quarter-final.

New Zealand were fortunate to win an important toss, as they profited from some lavish swing and seam movement early on to limit the Proteas to 193-7.

And South Africa were well below par in the field, dropping four catches.

ACTION AS IT HAPPENED (ALL TIMES GMT)

By Ben Dirs

NEW ZEALAND INNINGS

"Are we related?!"
Matt Dirs in the TMS inbox

Wicket falls
49th over: WICKET - Oram b Nel 10, 192-5
Oram has a rush of blood to the head and is castled by Nel - that makes it interesting...McCullum is next up the ramp and he laces his first ball through the covers for four. That's the Kiwis into the last four along with Australia. Pretty dismal stuff though, this World Cup's not getting any better...

48th over: 192-4
Oram puts manners on Hall, slapping the ball to the wide long-on fence. Three needed. He picks up one more with a nudge to long-off. McMillan blocks four balls in a row and it's two needed from 12 balls.

47th over: 187-4
A mis-field from Ntini out in the deep and McMillan moves to 38. McMillan is the nearly run out by Peterson, but just manages to make his ground. Nice and easy from Oram, guiding Ntini to point for one. Seven required from 18 balls...

Simon, definitely go for cremation. One caveat though - make quite sure that people are certain that you are dead. Any catalepsy in the family?"
Craig in the TMS inbox

46th over: 184-4
Peterson gets one past the edge of McMillan's bat - in fact, I think he feathered it and Boucher put it down. That's the fourth South African shell of the day. De Villiers is still leaping about like a cat in the covers and prevents a single off the bat of Oram. A single for Oram and one for McMillan and the Kiwis need 10 from four.

45th over: 182-4
The lofty Oram is next into the bat and he's off the mark with a clip to mid-wicket for a couple.

"Simon, based on the Newsnight's 'Ethical Man' report, I'd recommend a natural burial, apparently human bodies compost well. Think what it could do for your children's roses."
Simon Birtwistle, Newbury, in the TMS inbox

"Nine/nine is marginally ahead of ace/king? Astonishing. I'll play Texas Hold'em at yours any time Will. Ace/King is the pocket paradise bar none. A/K is Glenn McGrath in his heyday while 9/9 is Saj Mahmood on a flatbed."
Craig in the TMS Inbox

Wicket falls
44th over: WICKET - Styris c Gibbs b Peterson 56, NZ 176-4
Good lbw shout from Peterson against Styris but umpire Benson turns him down...but Styris is gone two balls later, shoving a steepler down Gibbs' neck at long-off. The batsmen crossed and McMillan collects a cheeky couple with a flick to mid-wicket. Two more for McMillan to backward point and 14 are now needed from six overs.

43rd over: 175-3
McMillan gives Ntini some hammer but Smith makes a fine stop at mid-off to limit him to a single. Styris then shellacks Ntini straight over the top for four and follows up with a lofted drive for one to long-on. Ntini serves up a shin-high full-bunger and is flipped away for a single by McMillan.

"I'm wondering whether to be buried or cremated when I die. Any thoughts?"
Simon, Edinburgh, in the TMS inbox

42nd over: 167-3
McMillan wants to get this over and done with and beasts Peterson over deep mid-wicket for a maximum.

"Is it just me, or is this game like having a conversation with nanna on Christmas Day with a monster hangover?"
Geoff, Dubai, in the TMS inbox

That's 50
41st over: 159-3
Ntini finds a bit of extra pace and find the splice of McMillan's bat. McMillan then has a dart and top-edges the ball to wide-open space at mid-wicket. Styris brings up his fourth fifty of the World Cup with a push into the covers - he's got a ton as well. McMillan's had enough of this fannying about, he charges Ntini and slaps him through extra-cover for four. Not Ntini's World Cup so far.

40th over: 153-3
Styris picks up one with a drive into the covers before Nel dredges up a blockhole delivery that McMillan just manages to dig out. McMillan snaffles another run with a carve through point.

39th over: 150-3
Three singles from McMillan and a couple from Styris. That's Pollock done, 1-30 from his 10. The Black Caps require 44 from 11 overs, should be a walk in the park.

"Nine/nine is marginally ahead of Ace/King but it's a coin-toss situation. Go with the pocket pair." Will Stoner in the TMS inbox

38th over: 145-3
Nel digs one in short and wide and Styris misses out with an attempted pull. He does pick up a couple with a pull to mid-wicket.

"What's your advice on breaking up with your wife? Pretend you're having an affair?"
Roger in the TMS inbox

37th over: 143-3
Three singles from Pollock's over and this is really meandering - it's pretty much a microcosm of the entire tournament.

36th over: 140-3
Width from Hall and McMillan carves him away for four. McMillan picks up one more with a flick to wide mid-on and Styris adds one with an ugly heave into the covers. A couple more for McMillan with a glide to third-man and the cameraman's off again, picking up a handsome local lady shaking her tucus in the stands.

"Am playing a bit of poker at the moment. Do you think it is wise to go all in on nine/nine as oppossed to a Ace/king?"
Ben Young, Australia, in the TMS inbox

35th over: 131-3
I hate to complain, but this is pretty stultifying stuff to be honest, I've done more exciting jigsaw puzzles. Two singles from Pollock's over.

"Hello Denzil Homer from France (9th over of the South African innings) - I believe we knew each other in a previous life."
Karen Crosby, France, in the TMS inbox

34th over: 129-3
Styris picks up one with a push into the covers and McMillan grabs a single to mid-wicket. New Zealand are strolling into the last four, new balls are brought on.

"I can't believe you can't get in the ground with conches but you are allowed to strip down to your Speedos. There are about 15 Kiwi fans out there and they don't leave a lot to the imagination..."
Arlo White on TMS

33rd over: 127-3
Styris and McMillan milking the bowling, a few singles off Pollock's bowling. Lots of banners in today, the Fun Taliban must have the day off.

"Go with the Pinot, Travis, and give a glass to Mr Giddins to help him relax..."
Stuart, Canada, in the TMS inbox

"Travis, I'd drink a very dry home-made peach wine, or a Sancerre with salmon, though latter a little pricy here. That combination is enough to bowl a maiden over, just what SA need right now!"
Mike, Finland, in the TMS inbox

32nd over: 122-3
Sharp piece of fielding from De Villiers in the covers before Hall has a decent lbw shout against Styris turned down by umpire Harper. That looked out to me, I can only think Harper thought it was high. Styris picks up one with a push to long-off before Hall gives up a wide.

"Cricket, cricket, cricket! Am I the only one who cares that Prince William and Kate have split up?"
Lucky Pierre, Berks, in the TMS inbox

Wicket falls
31st over: WICKET - Fleming c Boucher b Pollock 50, NZ 120-3
Pollock is back on and he removes Fleming, the New Zealand skipper attempting to cut and feathering to Boucher behind the stumps. A glimmer of hope for the Saffers. I've just had a look at the replays and I'm not sure Fleming got any willow on that. McMillan is next up the ramp and he's off the mark with a single into the covers.

"To Travis - a bottle of Sam Adam's Spring Ale, or Cherry Weat beer."
Steve, USA, in the TMS inbox

"I can't believe people are wondering what wine to drink - I'm sorry, cricket banter is fine, but useless comments just are not accepatable."
Huzefa Ishaki in the TMS inbox

That's 50
30th over: 117-2
Fleming hitting his straps now and he unfurls a dreamy cover-drive for four. He picks up one more to long-on before Styris joins in the fun, thrashing Peterson over wide long-on for another boundary. One more to long-off for Styris, who has more lookalikes than Saddam Hussein if your emails are anything to go by. Flemo brings up his fifth World Cup fifty with a single and the Kiwis are cruising.

29th over: 108-2
Styris picks up a single before Fleming gets two for a pull. Flemo then goes macho, hoisting Kallis over long-on for four. There is a man in a Beige Brigade lycra cat suit in the crowd - you can see what religion he is.

28th over: 100-2
Styris and Fleming grab a single apiece before the former brings up the Kiwi ton with a push into the covers.

"Just getting dinner ready. What would people drink with fresh salmon and potatoes - a nice crisp Chablis or a cheeky little Pinot Noir?"
Travis in the TMS inbox

27th over: 97-2
A third catch goes down for South Africa, Fleming slapping Kallis to backward point and Gibbs shelling a fairly straightforward chance diving to his left. Simply not good enough from the Proteas, they're heading for a heavy defeat.

"Hey, the commentators at Cricinfo aren't even as cringeworthy as you guys here. Just bring us the latest action in the cricket, and spare us lacklustre banter. Thanks."
John Giddins, Middlesex, in the TMS inbox

26th over: 95-2
Peche de la peche from Styris, a lofted, inside-out cover-drive off Peterson. He picks up one more run with a clip to mid-wicket before Flemo picks up one with a nurdle to mid-on. Styris gets a leading edge, but the ball falls just short of Peterson's desperate dive. Not looking good for South Africa.

"Re Portman in Closer - you can also realise from that film that Jude Law wouldn't have lasted long on the beaches at Normandy."
Chris Allen, Yorkshire, in the TMS inbox

25th over: 88-2
Kallis gets one past Styris' edge - everyone looked surprised by that, not least Kallis. Styris then throws the kitchen sink at one and the ball lands in wide open space at wide mid-on. Premeditated that, and not very clever. That's Styris' 400th run in the World Cup, however, and there's no arguing with that.

24th over: 85-2
Peterson is into the attack with his left-arm darts. Too easy this for New Zealand, Styris picking up one with a clip to leg. Flemo strolls one and Styris gets another with a push into the covers. Tidy from Peterson, but South Africa need more than tidy, they need three or four wickets.

23rd over: 82-2
Smith turns to Kallis - can the big man pull a rabbit out of the hat? Kallis drops short and is hoisted away for four by Fleming - Hall got a boot on it, but he was standing on the rope. The Kiwis look comfortable, I might even put my money where my mouth is...hello? Is anybody there?...

"Am I the only one who thinks that NZ should not win this tournament on the grounds that Scott Styris just looks odd?
Stuart, Dirty Northern Town, in the TMS inbox

22nd over: 78-2
Wide from Hall before Fleming latches onto one in the slot and gets four over extra-cover. Dreamy stroke, and that's 8,000 runs in ODIs for the Black Caps skipper. Another florid drive from Fleming and it's another single to the total.

21st over: 72-2
Styris yanks Nel round the corner for one - bit uppish that, but safe nonetheless. Big man Nel, like a load of walnuts squeezed into a flesh coloured stocking. Fleming nicks a single and there's another for Styris to mid-wicket. Suffocating stuff from South Africa in the field and Boucher misses a chance, Fleming feathering an attempted hook and the wicket-keeper making a real hash of it. Nel has hands on knees, he's ruddy furious.

20th over: 66-2
Bit of width from Hall but Styris misses out, chopping the ball into the leg-side for no run. Turning the screw here South Africa, Styris' timing not quite there today. He does pick up a single with a clip to mid-wicket.

"Now you've woken me up! Now we've got a chat! I may be slow, but after seeing Natalie Portman in Closer I felt it encumbent upon me to see everything she has ever done - even Star Wars."
Ed Riley, Rio de Janeiro in teh TMS inbox

19th over: 65-2
Half-tracker from Nel and Styris slaps him through point for four. Airy-fairy drive from Fleming and he's beaten outside off-stump. Fleming should have picked up one to square-leg but some food work from Smith prevents it.

18th over: 60-2
Sketchy drive from Styris and he gets one for it down to third-man.

17th over: 59-2
Nel is a man I'd like to have in the trenches with me, along with Albert Finney and Natalie Portman (Have you seen Closer?). Styris is dropped at mid-wicket by Prince, would have been a crackerjack catch, but instead it's three runs. Official warning for Nel for running on the pitch.

"Talking of Marmite, spread it thinly on buttered toast then layer on some strawberry jam. Crazy? Try it..."
Stig, London, in the TMS inbox

"If people think the commentary here is bad, the commentators on the Formula One qualifying I'm watching are talking about whether or not the drivers change their underwear!"
Sally, Pittsburgh, in the TMS inbox

16th over: 54-2
Hall is wheeled into the attack and Fleming whips him through mid-wicket for a couple - that's the New Zealand fifty. Flemo has a wild and windy woosh at a wide one but makes contact next up, the ball disappearing towards the point fence. On comes the drinks cart.

15th over: 48-2
Styris grabs a couple with a straight drive before the niggly Nel serves him up some chin music - smell the leather, Scotty. Umpire Benson has a chat with Nelly, presumably for running on the pitch. Nel strays onto Styris' pads and Boucher makes a good diving stop to his left.

"A packet of pickled onion Monster Munch and a Double Decker please Doug..."
Paul, Las Palmas, Spain, in the TMS inbox

14th over: 46-2
Flemo tucks Ntini round the corner for a couple. Anyone have a win on the National?

"I'll have a Cornetto please Doug."
Rob W in the TMS inbox

"Andre Nel is just this side of the sanity side of things, in a nice way. He has a nice smile, a genuine smile."
Kevin Howells on TMS

Wicket falls
13th over: WICKET - Taylor lbw b Nel 10, NZ 42-2
Nel's done the trick, trapping Taylor in front. Umpire Benson is trigger-happy, although it looked a bit high to me. The prolific Styris is next in, fresh from his unbeaten ton against Sri Lanka. How long can a cat go without eating? I'm cat-sitting at the moment but didn't make it home last night. Styris is off the mark with a couple into the covers.

12th over: 42-1
Single for Taylor before Ntini finds a bit of extra pace, Fleming jamming down late on that. Quite a few locals in today and a Kiwi woman who dances like a 50-year-old divorcee from Ongar every time her team scores a run.

"How does everyone feel about beetroot? I eat that straight from the jar."
Jim in the TMS inbox

"I could use some tomatoes and some nice sausages, cheers Doug."
Tony in the TMS inbox

11th over: 41-1
Nel is into the attack and Flemo clips him off his legs for one. Taylor picks up one with a thick outside edge to third-man.

"In response to Tim (see below), Marmite isn't as clear cut as that, as I like it but only on white bread."
Tom in the TMS inbox

"Scott Styris strikes me as a Vengaboys fan - 'Whoa, we're going to Barbados...' etc."
Paras Jagatia, Bangladesh, in the TMS inbox

10th over: 39-1
Doozy of a stroke from Fleming, showing Ntini the maker's name and the ball disappearing over the long-off rope. One more for Flemo and he looks pretty cozy out there - no gremlins in this pitch, conditions look a little bit easier now.

"I'm just going down the shops. Does anyone need anything?"
Doug Oakley, USA, in the TMS inbox

9th over: 34-1
Pollock strays onto Flemo's legs and is flicked away for one. Taylor opens his shoulders and marmalises Pollock through point for four. This is very finely-poised, but I fancy the Kiwis.

Styris is listening to Saturday Night by Whigfield."
Dave Pope in the TMS inbox

Wicket falls
8th over: WICKET Fulton c Hall b Ntini 16, NZ 25-1
Two Meter Peter is back in the pavilion, edging Ntini to Hall at second slip. Looked in good nick Fulton, rare bit of success for Makhaya. Taylor is the new batsman and he's off the mark with a push into the covers for a couple. Two more for Taylor with a flashy square-drive. Gibbs got a hand to that, very athletic.

"Andy from Wiltshire is clearly some alien imposter - everyone knows that one isn't merely partial to Marmite, it's a matter of love or hate. Personally, I could eat spoonfuls of it straight from the jar."
Tim, Epsom, in the TMS inbox

7th over: 23-0
Fleming times Pollock through mid-wicket for a few before Fulton picks up a single with a flick to long-on. Flemo is beaten outside off-peg, bit of a lazy waft that. Sol (see way below) has got back to me - you will recall I asked him to come to the front of the class and describe overs 20 and 21 for us after he expressed distaste for my efforts:

"Overs 20 and 21 - I did get back to you, but the editor must have been tired. Its in the archive, but Over 20 commentry went something like this: '..and Kallis, attempting to lift Vettori over long-off with and audacious hoist succeeds only in presenting Bond with a regulation catch. Regulation it may be but theiy must be caughtto count. South Africa are in deep trouble, and as Mrs Price of Llandudno waltzes in with my chocolate cake, Prince waltzes out to the middle to test his mettle.'
Sol, Wales, in the TMS inbox

6th over: 20-0
Ntini drops short and Fulton swings him away over mid-wicket for four and Two Metre Peter gets four more for a well-timed clip to the same area.

"Styris listens to Babyshambles and the Blockheads."
Stevie in the TMS inbox

5th over: 12-0
Flemo bags a single with a flip to fine-leg before Fulton grabs two with a similar shot. No dramas so far for the Black Caps.

"Styris may look like one of the Pod People from the Dark Crystal, but he's a decent cricketer with it."
Vincent in the TMS inbox

"Go to google, click on 'maps', click on 'Get Directions', put in 'New York, New York' to 'Paris, France', read line 23."
Rob W in the TMS inbox

4th over: 8-0
Big Beige Brigade contingent in and they've been heavily on the terps by the looks of things. Fleming picks up one with an open face to third-man.

3rd over: 7-0
Pollock pulls out a plum, the ball pitching and leaving Fleming off a length. The New Zealand skipper gets one for a clip to mid-wicket, Prince with a rare mis-field. Styris is plugged into his ipod up on the balcony - what does he like to listen to I wonder?

"My name is Andy. I don't love men beyond the platonic level but I am partial to Marmite and ladies with dark hair. Is that all I need to do for confessional or is there more needed?"
Andy, The planet of Wiltshire, in the TMS inbox

"Is it me, or does Shane Bond resemble Dan Moody, owner of Planet Kitchen, and proud driver of the Japanese Mercedes - the Lexus."
George, South Africa, in the TMS inbox

2nd over: 6-0
Fleming is off the mark with a single before Fulton stands tall and strokes Ntini through the covers for four. Need emails, stick with me folks.

"Craig McMillan is a bearded Mark Wahlberg. He has the evil stare of an angry cat."
Jon in the TMS inbox

1st over: 1-0
Players are out and Pollock has first bung. Fulton tries to pull his bat out of the way of his second delivery and very nearly plays on. New Zealand's first run is a wide but there's just one from the first over. Not many wickets in this tournament so far for Pollock, or Ntini for that matter.

SOUTH AFRICA INNINGS

"England 2 win my nbame is herny and i luv men yay xxx."
Herny, Kazakhstan, in the TMS inbox

"I suspect the person who translated George's rant into English is the same person who wrote the instructions for my, as yet unused, MP3 player. By the way George, I have some ointment that worked wonders for my poppycock."
Tim in the TMS inbox

"We are pleased to inform you that your e-mail address has won the Europw Lotto Plus One Million Euros ($1.000.000) program held on 12th April 2007, released today 14th April, 2007."
Mr Peter Rogers in the TMS inbox

"I'm sick of sending comments of no avail. Surely my witty remarks deserve publishing on their sheer superiority to such as dribble about who is the sexiest cricketer? Total poppycock and I shall not be writing again - I bid you farewell Mr Dirs"
George, South Africa

"Surely if there is to be a contest for best-looking bloke in the tournament, Daniel Vettori must be a leading contender. I mean, I know it's a bit of a cliche by now, but the kid is adorable."
Rebecca, Ukraine, in the TMS inbox

"Fittest bloke in the tournament? No question it's Mohammed Ashraful of Bangladesh. Mine is a studied choice based on youth, charm and the boyish innocence that believes the Tigers to be semi-final contenders."
Alex in the TMS inbox

50th over: 193-7
A wide from Bond before Peterson makes room and carves the bowler down to third-man for a couple. Peterson walks to outside leg again and misses with an airy waft. Peterson misses out on a slower ball from Bond before ambling to outside off-stump and shovelling Bond over his shoulder for four. Cheeky. Peterson is beaten by another slower ball and that's the innings wrapped - stodgy effort from South Africa, that wasn't much fun to watch. The Kiwis, however, will be elated with their bowling effort - Bond took 2-26 from his 10, McMillan 3-23 from five.

49th over: 187-7
I've just remembered that that bloke from earlier on never got back to me with his descriptions of overs 20 and 21. Pollock cracks Patel into the covers for a couple before he and Peterson exchange a couple of singles each.

Wicket falls
48th over: WICKET - Hall c Oram b Bond 17, SA 181-7
Mark in the TMS inbox has just pointed out that Pollock had in fact scored 37 runs in this World Cup before today. I was given duff information - sorry. Hall moves to 17 with a flip through wide long-on for four before perishing, lofting Bond to Oram at long-off. Peterson is the next man in and he's off the mark with a drive into the covers for one. Pollock squirts a single down to backward point.

47th over: 175-6
Pollock gives Patel the charge and picks up one to long-on. Hall slaps Patel over the top and Marshall makes a good save on the boundary - two runs. Pollock gives Patel some humpty, hoicking him over the mid-wicket rope for a maximum. Pollock moves to 16, South Africa aiming for 200.

"Craig McMillan is known as Prairie Dog among my circle of friends, due to his resemblance to the rotund rodents."
Yvonne in the TMS inbox

46th over: 164-6
Bit more urgency from Pollock and Hall, Hall dragging Vettori to mid-wicket for a couple before picking up two more through the covers. Single apiece for he and Pollock and the umpires will change the ball.

45th over: 158-6
Bit of milking from McMillan's over, four singles and a couple down to deep backward-point from Hall.

"The girls and I are having a hot debate over here over the best-looking bloke in the tournament. It seems to be a close-run competion between Michael Hussey, Jimmy Anderson and Stephen Fleming."
Anni, London, in the TMS inbox

44th over: 152-6
That's 150 for South Africa, Hall sweeping Vettori for a few.

"C Scott? Worral Thompson? Nope. Styris is none other than the twisted love-child of Colin Montgomerie and The Penguin from Batman."
Chris Day, Oxford, in the TMS inbox

Wicket falls
43rd over: WICKET - Boucher c Fulton b McMillan 16, 149-6
Boucher tries to put manners on McMillan and collects one to mid-off...and that's Boucher out, sticking McMillan straight down Fulton's gullet at long-off. McMillan, smooth as an eel (facially) now has 3-17. Hall is the new man at the crease.There is a woman in the crowd drinking alcohol and wearing a bikini fashioned from two giant shells.

42nd over: 147-5
Boucher works Bond to the leg-side for one before Pollock opens the face and guides the bowler down to third-man for a couple.

"Why aren't my witty asides included? The one about rickets was hilarious but you put in something about animals licking ears."
Paul in the TMS inbox

Wicket falls
41st over: WICKET - Prince c Patel b McMillan 37, SA 143-5
McMillan strays onto Boucher's legs and is clipped away for a couple. But Prince is smoked, dollying a catch to Patel at mid-off. South Africa simply subsisting here. Pollock is the new batter - and he hasn't faced a ball in this World Cup yet. McMillan, according to my colleague, is the offspring of John Sessions and Ian Hislop. I'd rather look like Sloth from The Goonies.

"I was in Grenada for six weeks after Hurricane Ivan working on yachts. Where did they find the money to build a new stadium when people were still living in tents?"
John in the TMS inbox

40th over: 138-4
Bond is back on and he has a vociferous lbw appeal turned down against Boucher. Umpire Harper obviously thought that was going over. Boucher picks up a single down to long-on from the final ball.

"I too don't have a life, having spent all day reading about judicial review. This has also precluded me from putting money on the National, to my obvious detriment. Still, if anyone wants to offer a training contract to a mature student with a strong grasp of procrastination, cricket and eponymous horses do keep me informed."
Sam Birch in the TMS inbox

39th over: 137-4
One for Boucher down to third-man before Prince picks up a single to mid-off. Strangled lbw appeal from McMillan against Boucher, but umpire Benson is having none of that. One more for Boucher to mid-wicket. Stodgy - it's like attending Mass.

38th over: 134-4
Prince collects one with a clip to mid-wicket. Boucher's first scoring stroke is a crisply-struck sweep for four off Vettori.

"New Zealand are trying to be like Dr Spock and go where no man has ever gone..."
Colin Croft on TMS

Wicket falls
37th over: WICKET - Gibbs b McMillan 60, SA 128-4
A four! Prince slapping McMillan to the long-on boundary. That's the first since over 28. But that's Gibbs gone, McMillan serving up a common or garden dibbly-dobbly and the batsman playing on. Boucher is next up the ramp.

"Italians drink Campari in English pubs. I had an Italian girlfriend who used to order really complex Campari-based cocktails whenever we were on a night out. Think it might have been an excuse just to talk to the barman for half an hour."
Martin, Algeria, in the TMS inbox

"Can I just say, my wife frequently forces me to do laps of the kitchen in my undercrackers. Why not something more corporal, like forcing Sol to watch England play?"
Oli in the TMS inbox

36th over: 122-3
Prince and Gibbs exchange singles. Vettori gets the raging hump with Franklin out on the mid-wicket boundary, bit slack that and Prince picks up three runs. .

35 overs: 116-3
There is a cruiser docked in Grenada the size of Upminster. We are in the 'stodgy middle-overs', and have been for about two and a half hours. Gibbs and Prince nudge and nurdle at Styris, who apparently looks like George C Scott (brilliant in The Hustler) and Anthony Worral Thompson (Pot Noodle). Three wides down leg-side from Styris plus a couple of leg-byes.

"My girlfriend loves Campari and always asks for it wherever we go. Apparently it's coming back into style, just like our beige one-day strip"
Tim, New Zealand, in the TMS inbox

"People who like Prince still drink Campari."
Andy, Providence, USA, in the TMS inbox

"My dad buys Campari. But then again, he does work in the theatre."
Jack, Manchester, in the TMS inbox

"Cricketing Bond lookalikes - Ricky Ponting bears a passing resemblance to Herve Villechaize from Man with the Golden Gun."
Simon in the TMS inbox

34th over: 106-3
Gibbs sweeps Vettori for a couple before he and Prince exchange singles with clips to square-leg.

"The most entertaining thing I have seen is watching my dog play-fight with my cat and then my cat winning the fight and getting his ears licked by the dog."
Chris Tyrrell in the TMS inbox

33rd over: 100-3
Gibbs brings up the Saffers' ton with a single, but it's another tight one from Patel, just one from it.

"Does anyone have a life? So far I've heard that someone has eaten a packet of Rolos and someone else has watched Casino Royale and flirts on the BBC. I spent my morning cleaning up mud on my bedroom floor."
Chris Tyrrell in the TMS inbox

That's 50
32nd over: 99-3
Gibbs picks up a single with a nudge to mid-one before Prince grabs a single with a push to mid-off. That's Gibbs' fifty with a clip to square-leg and it's a very nuggety knock. The pitch has the consistency of my nan's Victoria sponge.

31st over: 95-3
Gibbs has a go at a Patel half-tracker and misses. Bit of nudge and nurdle and there's six from the over - 190 has to be the target from here.

30th over: 89-3
Gibbs grabs a couple with a paddle to short fine-leg before nicking a single with a push to square-leg. Prince sweeps Styris and picks up one for a top-edge.

29th over: 85-3
Silver Birch has won the National, which is a shame as I had money on Longshanks. Three singles from the over. Slim Pickings was third. I can relate to that.

"Anyone else think that Kallis looks like Sloth from The Goonies?"
Rafe in the TMS inbox

28th over: 82-3
Prince gives Vettori some hammer, slamming him to the long-on fence for four. Plenty of sherberts being sunk in the stands, wish I was there.

"Craig McMillan and Daniel Vettori shaving off their beards has done wonders for the team. Vettori resembles a mature student."
Hashim, Scotland, in the TMS inbox

27th over: 76-3
Good running from South Africa, Gibbs nicking two with a clip to mid-wicket. I was wondering yesterday, who still buys Campari in pubs? It's always on the shelf, but who drinks it? Prince guides Patel down to third-man for one and Gibbs grabs another single with a tickle to fine-leg.

26th over: 71-3
Three singles from that over from Vettori.

25th over: 68-2
I'm not going to lie to you - this is execrable viewing. There is a New Zealand fan dressed in beige dancing like a stupid idiot in the crowd - that's the most entertaining thing I've seen all day. Two singles, they weren't even good ones.

"Talking about people looking like characters from James Bond - Nasser Hussain looks exactly like Le Chiffre (evil guy) from Casino Royale."
Luisa Mori in the TMS inbox

24th over: 66-3
Bryan Waddle is on TMS and he says there is a "reasonable" crowd today. That is a euphemism for "ruddy rubbish". South Africa score off four of Vettori's deliveries.

"Could you tell Sophie that I'm single and look quite like Stephen Fleming."
Matt Robins in the TMS inbox

23rd over: 62-3
Gibbs nicks a single and that's about that. There is a man dressed as the pope in the stands. I wonder if he really thinks he's eating and drinking the body and blood of Christ?

"In the Grand National text updates, they name-check such celebrities as Bonnie Tyler and Cilla Black - where is the stardom in the cricket?"
Matt H in the TMS inbox

22nd over: 57-3
Prince picks up a couple with an uppish on-drive and gets two more with a push into the covers. Lots of horses jumping massive fences in a minute ("They really enjoy it!") - I've got money on Longshanks. Good luck to you all.

21st over: 52-3
It's two spinners now, Patel into the attack, and that's a maiden. Someone give me a nudge when something happens.

"I think it's the Top 100 Hollyoaks Opening Sequences tonight, or something. What has happened to TV? Yesterday, I saw a 'live celebrity cook-off' on ITV, with celebrities I'd never heard of and other z-list celebrity friends turning up to give their thoughts on how they would do. Apparently, this was a grand final."
Jamie in the TMS inbox

"The pitch smells - have you ever smelt a pitch?"
Ian Smith on TMS

Wicket falls
20th over: WICKET - Kallis c Bond b Vettori 22, SA 52-3
Vettori drops short and Gibbs steers him away for one. But that's Kallis, attempting to marmalise Vettori over long-off and sticking it down Bond's throat. Sith Ifrica are in it up to their necks. Prince is the new batter.

19th over: 51-2
Just one from the over, Gibbs nicking a single to square-leg. Vettori is having a limber, he's up next.

"I've just eaten an entire pack of Rolos in despair. Come on South Africa! I'm now upset AND fat because of you."
Charlotte Thorn in the TMS inbox

18th over: 50-2
That's the South Africa fifty, Gibbs clipping to mid-wicket for a single. Kallis makes room and plays all around the ball - sketchy. It's all very Gillette Cup out there.

"Forget Ian Dury v Pete Doherty - Sophie will have to fight me if she wants to get her hands on Stephen Fleming!"
Emma, Edinburgh, in the TMS inbox

"Doherty doesn't stand a chance. His Manfredo-esqe jabs would simply lack the power and authority to have any effect on the Calzaghe-like Dury. Plus, old Pete would probably be too off his chops to fight anyway."
Jamie, Wales, in the TMS inbox

17th over: 47-2
Kallis collects one to mid-wicket. I was down the pub last night and the consensus was "who gives a monkey's about the Cricket World Cup?" Kallis rocks back and carves Oram through point for four. Kallis picks up one more with a clip to square-leg.

"If Ian Dury pulls out for any reason, can I volunteer my services to fight Doherty? Or, for that matter, Jacques Kallis? As my uncle always used to say, he has a face you'd never tire of punching."
Chris Day, Oxford, in the TMS inbox

Sorry for the violent interjection - I'm stuck inside working all weekend watching this glorious weather, so you'll have to excuse my misanthropy :)
Chris Day, Oxford, UK

16th over: 38-2
Right, that's it, I've held my tongue for long enough. Mr Sol (see below), please come to the front of the class and describe proceedings for an over or two. What about overs 20 and 21? I'll give you five minutes to email your efforts in and then we'll ask everybody else what they think. I assume you haven't got your games kit with you - if it's rubbish, you'll have to run two laps round kitchen wearing only your undercrackers. Deal? Franklin strays onto Gibbs' legs and is flicked away for a couple. Players have a wet.

"It's definitely getting worse. Are your 'commentators' trying to outdo each other in wit? They ran out of that a while ago. Now we're just getting tedious drivel. Stick to describing the cricket (if you can) and stop trying to outdo each other with your weak witticisms, like that ridiculous Primark knickers remark."
Sol, Wales, in the TMS inbox

15th over: 34-2
Strange game of cricket this - Gibbs gives Oram the long handle and deposits him over the long-on fence. McCullum calls for the lid and moves up to the timbers. One more for Gibbs.

"The problem with Primark knickers is that you only need a hint of wind and they're gone. Still, I could kiss a Kiwi right now..."
Oli in the TMS inbox

14th over: 26-2
Franklin drags one in short and Kallis yanks him away for a single. Plenty of bottom hand from Gibbs, who picks up one to mid-wicket. Two more from Kallis and South Africa are thinking about tickling it up a gear.

13th over: 20-2
Oram rips his fingers over the seam and beats Kallis again. But Jacques has had enough of this - he strides down the track and larrups him over long-off for a maximum. Selector.

"My girlfriend has a thing for Jonathan Agnew. She says it's that rabbit caught in headlights look he has every time he's on air. I can see what she means."
Matthew Storey, Wales, in the TMS inbox

"Is any current cricketer more deserving of the term 'smug' than Graeme Smith?"
Chris Allen in the TMS inbox

12th over: 13-2
Bond serves up a slower ball and Kallis manages to squeeze it out. Leg-bye for South Africa - Gloria (clap clap) Gloria (clap clap) in excelsis deo. Apparently they have coffee bags in the press box in Grenada. HAS THIS WORLD GONE MAD?

11th over: 12-2
Kallis opens his shoulders but an expansive drive is saved by Patel in the covers. For all those who accuse me of mincing about and talking a load of old rubbish, there really isn't anything happening out there. Another maiden.

10th over: 12-2
Gibbs unfurls the first boundary of the day, an absolute jaffer of a cover-drive off Bond. Otherwise, it's more hand grenades from Bond. Have you seen the cemeteries in the Champagne region? Really quite upsetting.

"James Franklin bears more than a passing resemblance to Willard Whyte (played by Jimmy Dean) in Diamonds are Forever..."
Paresh Soni, BBC Sport in Grenada

9th over: 7-2
Franklin is off and it's time for Oram. South Africa still can't put bat on ball. Another maiden, the Proteas rattling along at one an over. This is Edwardian.

"Pete Doherty isn't fit to polish Ian Dury's rhythm stick. Dury wins without so much of a fight - I've seen Joe Calzaghe's opponents put up a better fight than Doherty."
Dave Pierrie in the TMS inbox

"Is Duncan Fletcher planning to marry Michael Vaughan?"
Denzil Homer, France

"I think I'm far too emotionally invested in the South African team. Graeme Smith's dismissal actually hurt me."
Charlotte Thorn in the TMS inbox

8th over: 7-2
Gibbs picks up a single and there's a bit of weather doing the rounds in Grenada - and off we go...umpire Benson flicks the bails off...and they're back on again. What the ruddy heck is going on out there?! Bond has a rustle around in his top drawer and Kallis is beaten by an absolute crackerjack of a delivery that spits off a length and has him arching his back. One from the over.

7th over: 6-2
Franklin beats Kallis twice more and Kallis gives us a rueful grin, like someone who's just returned from the theatre to find his cat has put a claw through the middle of his new chaise longues. That's a maiden.

"I don't want you to be my best friend."
Neil in the TMS inbox

6th over: 6-2
It's like a sticky in Chittagong out there and Kallis is beaten twice outside the off-stump. My head feels like Robbie Williams is living in it.

5th over: 5-2
Sketchy single for Kallis, an inside edge to mid-wicket. Franklin beats a nervous prod from Gibbs and South Africa are knee deep in a load of old rubbish.

"I quite fancy Stephen Fleming and therefore have been secretly supporting NZ in the World Cup. Come on the Black caps!"
Sophie in the TMS inbox

"Doherty's craft would ultimately prove too much for Dury's unsophisticated hay-bailers. It's Doherty, unanimously on points, using a textbook jab to splendid effect."
Derek Bilton, Hartlepool, in the TMS inbox

4th over: 4-2
Kallis has a swipe and Bond beats his inside edge. The gap-toothed Jacques is off the mark with a single and that brings Gibbs on to strike. New Zealand are all over South Africa like a pair of Primark knickers.

"Certainly not Pete Doherty! (see below). Musical genius perhaps, but I'd back my mum to knock him out before the first bell!"
Josh, Yorkshire, in the TMS inbox

Our for a duck
3rd over: WICKET - De Villiers lbw b Franklin
Franklin is bowling like Malcolm Marshall at the moment. De Villiers is beaten outside the off-stump before Franklin mops him up, the Kiwi seamer getting the ball to arc back in and trap him in front. What top 100 have Channel 4 got on tonight?

Wicket falls
2nd over: WICKET - Smith c Oram b Bond 1, SA 3-1
The splendid Bond tosses up a wide first up before finding some extravagant shape away from the left-handed Smith - four times. Bond really is a very good bowler. And yes, that's Smith on toast, Oram taking a good catch in the covers. Big Jacques strolls to the crease. If I needed someone to bat for my life, I'd choose him. My mum wants to be buried in a wicker coffin in a forest. That I'm happy with, Celine Dion I'm not.

"I can't tell you how much I am looking forward to watching South Africa getting completely pulverised."
Trevor in the TMS inbox

"According to my wife, the best thing about the World Cup is Colin Croft. Every time he's on the commentary, she says 'He's got a lovely voice'."
Paul W in the TMS inbox

1st over: 1-0
Players are out and we are about to have a game of cricket. Franklin has first bung with the ball and Smith has a woolly woosh at his first delivery. Smith is beaten by Franklin next up. Send me an email and I'll be your best friend. Smith is off the mark with a nudge to mid-wicket.


1425 BST: There'll always be an England, while there's a country lane, wherever there's a cottage small, beside a field of grain. I love cricket. Who would win in a fight between Ian Dury and Pete Doherty? Both at their peak.

South Africa: Graeme Smith (captain), A.B. de Villiers, Jacques Kallis, Herschelle Gibbs, Ashwell Prince, Robin Peterson, Mark Boucher, Shaun Pollock, Andre Nel, Andrew Hall, Makhaya Ntini

New Zealand: Stephen Fleming (captain), Peter Fulton, Ross Taylor, Scott Styris, Craig McMillan, Jacob Oram, Brendon McCullum, Daniel Vettori, James Franklin, Shane Bond, Jeetan Patel.

1420 BST: Hello! A Meaningful match!

1404 BST: Rob Peterson's last act was to smash down the stumps after hitting the winning runs in South Africa's win over Sri Lanka. Today, the Proteas hope his left-arm spin could be a secret weapon. Looks like the Kiwis think it will turn too, off-spinner Patel is back in to support Dan Vettori.

1400 BST: Afternoon ladies and gentlemen, the marvellous Mr Ben Dirs will be with you shortly. For now, however, it falls to me to tell you that the Kiwis have won the toss and opted to put South Africa in. This is a real cruncher and those of you who support England, you'd better start rooting for a New Zealand win.

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