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Last Updated: Monday, 19 September 2005, 10:29 GMT 11:29 UK
Boring, boring football
Derek 'Robbo' Robson
By Derek 'Robbo' Robson
The Tees mouth

Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff yawns

My missus often suggests I've got a permanent hangover. I think she's referring to the one that spills over me belt.

But the celebrations of the Ashes victory - which incidentally grows more crushing with every passing moment - have cast the rest of our sport in a grimmer light.

Has anyone actually enjoyed a football match since the season began again? And I'm including the players in that!

What a bunch of whining, overpaid miseries they are.

This weekend's fixtures, Michael Messiah Owen's arrival excluded, has been the perfect example. Everyone's playing 4-5-1. No one's trying to score.

People who think Sam Allardyce should be manager of England need their heads examining.

Meanwhile Chelsea roll on, believing they're the Rolls-Royce of English football - when they're actually a really solid Volvo estate.

Can anyone stop the Chelsea juggernaut?

They're impressive in the same way the ants on your front drive are. Relentless, organised, with another one ready to take over the one you just squashed. It's so DULL!

There has got to be more entertaining things to be doing while watching these tedious so-called matches. So here's a few suggestions:

1. Draw a picture of Jose Mourinho on a balloon and blow it up until it gets dangerously swollen - i.e. more life-like - then take out a pin and pop it. Hugely satisfying.

2. Stand in your local high street and impersonate Rio Ferdinand's defensive play and see how many cabs stop to ask you where you want to go.

3. Make some toast while watching Wayne Rooney on Playercam. Adjust the dial according to how close he is to losing it. And turn the smoke alarms off in the house or it's no fun.

Mike Riley books Chelsea's John Terry
He's such a card that Riley

4. If Mike Riley is referee, cut out some cards, say 10 yellow and two red, and every time Riley issues one, stick a card to your TV screen. By half-time you'll only be able to see about half the footie, which is a vast improvement.

5. Watch the game via a mirror - you know, like you do when you take the wife down the pub for a bevvy.

The footie's no better really but at least you can convince yourself that we've got loads of left-sided players to fill that tricky berth in the England XI.

6. While we're on the subject of the national team, try watching the next game England play out of position: stand on your head, peep through a crack in the curtains, whatever you fancy.

It'll give a sense of just how hacked off Messrs Rooney, Lampard and Gerrard are playing for Becks, I mean Sven, right now.

7. Re-invigorate physical relations with your wife by making love to her during the game, just don't be surprised if she turns the footie back on half way through.

8. Watch the Ashes 2005 on DVD instead. It doesn't get any less pleasurable.

Mis-Match Play

Why are the world's best players avoiding the World Match Play?

This used to be a great finale to the golfing year and now even a million quid can't lure them across the pond. Of course Mickelson and Woods can earn that wearing a V-neck pullover for the afternoon, but that's not the point.

Palmer, Player, Ballesteros, Els...other top players should want to be on that list.

Tiger Woods
Don't worry, son - you'll be good enough one day

I can't really understand it of Sergio, but we all know the Ryder Cup Yanks are getting a bit tired of being trounced when it's man against man.

If we can't tempt them with dough, perhaps we can embarrass them into playing the best Matchplay in the world.

After me everyone... "Just because you're losing, just because you're losing!"

Toe Hard on Roy!

Poor Keano's suffered the curse of the Man U Metatarsal. Aahhh! Only nine toes to go, eh?

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