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Page last updated at 09:24 GMT, Wednesday, 2 April 2008 10:24 UK

Quotes of the week

By Chris Charles

Rio Ferdinand
D'oh!

"Gary Neville is the club captain but has been injured for the best part of a year now - and Giggsy's taken on the mantlepiece."
Rio Ferdinand is clearly having a hearth while describing the Man Utd captaincy.

"Anelka is someone who can carry on his mantelpiece."
Stan Collymore can't resist a pop at Rio while discussing Didier Drogba on BBC Radio 5 Live.

"Dirk Kuyt is earning himself the reputation as Anfield's Prince Harry - in the frontline for three months and no-one knows anything about it."
Sun journalist Phil Thomas on Liverpool's non-flying Dutchman.

"If I had to choose which penalty to save, I would have kept this one, but that sounds a bit like Deal or No Deal!"
David James on the tale of two penalties for club and country.

"The Maradona DVD was put on and it was a bit of a relief to be honest as I was sick and tired of seeing people killing each other."
Wolves manager Mick McCarthy is glad Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels has been replaced on the team-coach DVD player.

"I think she was planning to go to the winery on Sunday so now she can go and get as lashed as she wants - and I'll give her some cash for it as well!"
Kevin Pietersen dedicates his 129 in the third Test to wife Jessica after she stayed on in New Zealand to offer him some support.

"I'm definitely getting it cut - I've been told to, but just a tidy-up!"
England's man-of-the-series Ryan Sidebottom is ordered down to the barber's before his forthcoming wedding.

"I'm actually quite happy because I have seen improvements."
Fabio Capello turns into Comical Ali after England's awful display against France.

"Maybe we can put some Aussie voodoo or something on him."
Geoff Ogilvy comes up with a way to stop Tiger Woods ahead of the CA Championship. Scarily, Ogilvy went on to win it.

"He puts the ball in the right area at a decent pace. He can also bat and field, so that's a decent package for a 21-year-old!"
Michael Vaughan comments on Stuart Broad's tasty package.

"If Junior was fighting in my back garden, I'd shut the curtains."
Ricky Hatton can't disguise his admiration for Junior Witter.

AND SOME FROM YOU

Gary Johnson
I did it my way

"How many good singers are there in the bath, where they're on their own? I'm magnificent, but put me in front of one or two people and I shrivel up."
The brilliant Bristol City boss Gary Johnson. (Robert Knight, UK).

"This is great play by PSV."
Setanta commentator during NAC Breda v Feyenoord. (Aaron Sandhu, UK).

"It's a big goal for West Ham. Alan Curbishley would have fancied a couple of points from this game at the very least."
Pundit Gary Richards on Fox Soccer Super Sunday Plus show. (Adam Threadgold, US).

"The way Everton are playing they are never going to attack down the right... they are attacking down the right now, sorry to confuse you."
BBC Radio 5 Live commentary - Liverpool v Everton. (David, Wales).

"Matt Le Tissier was a super striker of the ball, but he never played for a big club. If he had, we'd be talking about him as a super striker of the ball."
Graeme Souness (didn't he just say that?!) (Chris Plowman, Cornwall).

Gorden Tallis: "Doesn't look like he was running very fast into the tackle, was he?"
Co-commentator: "That's because this is a slow-motion replay we're watching, Gorden."
Commentary on Broncos v Panthers in the NRL. (Eric, Australia).

"Got him - hook, line and Sinclair."
David Lloyd after New Zealand batsman Mathew Sinclair was dismissed by Stuart Broad. (Aggers, England).

"We've got six games left - two at home and three away."
Chris Coleman in his post-match interview after beating Plymouth. Where is the other game taking place, Chris? (Graham, Mexico).

"Maybe someone will break it sometime - but hopefully it will stand for another few years."
David Healy on breaking the Euro qualifiers goalscoring record. Yes David, I imagine it will stand until at least the next round of qualifiers... in a few years' time! (Oliver Lewisohn, UK).

"I don't care what you say... Arsenal have made a Bramble of Titus proportions at the Reebok."
jpalongo on 606. Classic. (Ally, Scotland).

"We have scored 101 goals this season. Not bad considering we don't play with any strikers."
Walter Smith on Rangers' alleged 'anti-football'. (Graeme Welch, Scotland).

"It's been more Steve McClaren than Mercedes McLaren today."
Steve Rider after the F1 GP in Malaysia. (Joe Stevens, London).

Kevin Pietersen
I'm over here!

"KP trots around at point, looking wistfully for a patch of limelight to stand in."
Tom Fordyce during the day four live text commentary of New Zealand v England on the Beeb website. Genius. (Dave Griffiths, UK).

"When someone arrives in a new business, everybody says this is the new blood to suck. There is nothing to suck here. We don't have blood."
Chairman Flavio Briatore explaining why he will not be splashing the money on QPR. (Shantul Sharma, India).

"It was a successful failure."
Kenny Miller looks back on Scotland's Euro 2008 qualifying campaign. (Scott, Glasgow).

"Ashley Cole has attempted to get down the outside on numerous occasions, and he's got to be careful he doesn't tire himself out and actually kill himself."
Ray Wilkins on Cole's deadly overlapping down the left for England. (Ian, Northern Ireland).

CHANTS OF THE WEEK

"There's only one Tina Turner!"
Nottingham Forest fans to Doncaster goal-machine Jason Price and his big hair. (Nick, UK).

"You put your left leg in, your left leg out, you do the Ameobi and shake it all about, you do the Ameobi and you turn around - that's what it's all about.
"Shoooooo-ooola Ameobi!! Shooooo-ooola Ameobi!"
Stoke fans' tribute to on-line striker Shola Ameobi at Sheffield Wednesday! (Tom Nicklin, England).

"Premier League, you're having a laugh."
Sheffield Wednesday fans to Stoke.

"Championship, you're having a laugh!"
Stoke fans respond. (Tom Nicklin, England).

Roland Browning from Grange Hill
Altogether now...Ro-land!

"There's only one Roland Browning."
Bognor Regis fans taunt big-boned Eastleigh substitute Steve Watts in the recent Conference South game. (Rob Garforth, UK).

"You're Camp and you know you are!"
Ipswich fans to QPR goalkeeper Lee Camp. (Lisa B, UK).

"Ben Sahar, Sahar
He came to us from afar
He's better than Louis Saha
Ben Sahar, Sahar."
Sung by Sheffield Wednesday fans to loan signing Ben Sahar. (Molly, Doncaster).

"You're just a small town in nowhere."
Bury fans singing to Shrewsbury counterparts. (Samto Willis, England).

"Paul Scally's Scumbag Army!"
Gillingham fans after the chairman referred to fans as scumbags in a radio interview! (Julian, Kent).

STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENTS OF THE WEEK

"His wife always dreamed of a hunky fireman, but all she got was a chunky tyre-man."
Announcer at Man Utd-Villa, introducing one of the participants in the half-time penalty shoot-out. (Josh, England).

"And in the Championship, West Brom 0-2 Colchester." (Boos ring around stadium)...
"Don't worry they are still going down..."
Reading out the half-time scores during Southend's home game v Walsall. (Alex Furby, Essex).

"The attendance is 12,995. Thank you - and remember, no-one loves you or your money more than Cardiff City Football Club."
Ninian Park announcer. (John Davies, Wales).

BANNER OF THE WEEK

"Everton FC welcome all Liverpool fans to Merseyside."
Spotted at the Merseyside derby. (Jack, London).



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