Where do you think I keep it, dummy?
"I don't know where Carlos keeps the dummy. He produces it from nowhere."
Manchester United midfielder Michael Carrick on Carlos Tevez's mysterious goal celebration prop. Are you going to tell him, or shall I?
"I am sure we will see pictures of Sam in his Speedos walking along a beach somewhere. That won't be a pretty sight."
Wigan manager Steve Bruce speculates on where Big Sam will pop up next....no-one wants to see that.
"Once Ashley puts some weight on he will be fantastic. At the moment he's about three-and-a-half stone - a couple of times we have put him through the letterbox!"
Aston Villa boss Martin O'Neill on what Ashley Young needs to keep on delivering.
"When Kevin first came to the club he asked to be called 'SuperKev'. To be honest we thought he must be a bit of a k***-head, but now we know why."
West Brom skipper Jonathan Greening is delighted Kevin Phillips is putting the willies up opposition defenders.
"Sometimes he has breakfast with the staff and asks a million questions. He doesn't get a million answers but Wayne is refreshing."
Sir Alex Ferguson has a million reasons to love Wayne Rooney.
"It was very nice to enter the locker room. There was a good feeling in there, and I got a good feeling from Kevin Doyle and Stephen Hunt."
Reading new boy Marek Matejovsky is touched by his special welcome.
"It's Test cricket, not tiddlywinks."
Cricket Australia chief executive James Sutherland defends his country's on-field behaviour in the wake of the 'Bollyline' row.
"He has played for nearly every club in the world. It is absolutely amazing how much money he's moved for. He is, himself, a bank!"
Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger on his former player, walking cash machine Nicolas Anelka, following his move to Chelsea.
I used to play left-back for Arsenal you know
"You probably think I'm Kenny Sansom!"
Little Britain star Matt Lucas on meeting Wenger after the Frenchman admitted he had never seen the show.
"We very quickly found out that Luton Town Football Club did not do what it said on the tin."
Hatters manager Kevin Blackwell announces he will be leaving the cash-strapped club after they failed to get his Ronseal of approval.
"I need to win a few tournaments because nappies can cost a bit."
New dad Ken Doherty is hoping it's nappy days at snooker's Masters.
AND SOME FROM YOU
"I don't want to comment on who or what will take over my job at Newcastle."
Sam Allardyce after getting sacked. (Tom Leonard, Britain).
"If you want a quiet life you turn a blind ear."
Geoffrey Boycott on umpires allowing the Aussies to sledge. (Chris Knight, England).
"You know he's going to win a lot of the headers... You have to be aware of that, wait for the shout and watch him get his big head on the ball."
Villa's Curtis Davies pays free-scoring Martin Laursen a compliment, sort of. (Ross,
"He got sent off after half an hour for performing a tracheotomy on the field. I knew straight away, he was good enough for me."
Former Brentford boss Martin Allen tells BBC 5 Live's Monday Night Club how he signed Sam Sodje for the Bees. (Frank, London).
Great goal, so why the long face?
"And thats a Gigabyte of skill in a nanosecond from old horsey-face!"
Commentator on Gol TV, after Ruud Van Nistelrooy scores for Real Madrid against Levante. Classic! (Ben Johnson, USA and Kailyn, USA).
"Over the years whilst fielding at first slip, Dravid almost seems to have developed an ability to stick Kumble's balls to his hands."
ABC cricket commentator during Australia-India series. (Sean, Sydney).
"Today I'm joined by Paul Walsh who won the Cup with Spurs in 1991, Phil Thompson who won it in 1974, Paul Merson who won it in 1993 and Matt Le Tissier. What are you doing here?"
Jeff Stelling introduces the pundits on Soccer Saturday during FA Cup third round weekend.
(Richard White, Cornwall).
"I am very happy because I signed this morning and for my head that is fantastic."
Laurent Robert on signing for Derby. Are they only employing his head?
(Mark Hughes, England).
"Dutch people generally are loyal, disciplined and straight to the point."
Ryan Babel when asked in the Liverpool match programme 'How would you define Dutch people in THREE WORDS?' (Chris Fletcher, England).
"Who'd've thought that after the first half we'd've had a second half?"
Sky Sports commentator during the Saracens-Biarritz Heineken Cup fixture - well most of us would've thought that to be fair!
(Paddy Murphy, UK).
Parkin takes the ribbing on the chins
"Parkin's making a run towards the box, he might get there sometime this week."
Commentary from Jonathan Pearce during the Stoke v Newcastle Game. (Gary Turner, Bristol).
"Do you think you should have been ahead by more when they equalised?"
Sky reporter to Ledley King after the League Cup semi-final draw with Arsenal. (Josh Finlay, England).
"Theo Walcott raced through to halt the celebrations with a goal so larcenous it should have been shown on Crimewatch, not Sky Sports."
From the Telegraph after Theo Walcott's late equaliser denied Tottenham victory in the above match. (Kenny Lomas, England).
"A memorable half hour to forget!"
Sky's Alan Mclnally can't make up his mind whether he likes the game he's watching or not.
"They are fourth in the Championship, and you can't ask for more than that."
Mark Bright on Stoke's achievements this season. (Tim Wood,
"That tackle was a leg-breaker. Fortunately, he didn't break his leg."
Lee Dixon on MOTD. (David,
"This year so far I've had my girlfriend dump me, my work cut my hours so much I need a new job, I'm £14k in debt and to compound my misery, Spurs are beating my beloved Arsenal. Roll on 2009!"
Paul from a very cold Emirates Stadium, via text on 81111 - (One can only hope things get better, Paul!) (Ernest Goodheart, Ireland).
LET'S PLAY DARTS!
"Every time I lift a trophy, I get chickenpox!"
Co Stompe at the BDO world championships. I think the term he was after was goosebumps! (Dan Mitchell, England).
From Russia with love - Anastasia dates fellow-darts player Tony Martin
"They think it's all Dobromyslova, it could be now."
BBC darts commentator David Croft on Trina Gulliver's impending defeat in the Women's BDO World Championship final to Russian opponent Anastasia Dobromyslova. (Nacho Pete, Sheffield).
"Words can't describe that game, it was beautiful."
Commentator after the semi-final between Mark Webster and Martin 'Wolfie' Adams. (Patrick Hennessy,
"I don't know who I'll be putting my money on, but it's gonna be Ted or Simon."
Tony David on being asked who would win between Simon Whitlock and Ted Hankey in the Darts. (Philip Gardner, England).
"There's times during this match when Ted Hankey has reminded me of Hannibal Lecter."
David Croft on Hankey's facial expressions during his 3-2 first round win over Steve West. (Kenny Lomas, England).
"And there's Martin's wife in the crowd."
The commentators in the Martin Adams v Martin Phillips second round match. (Mike Fisher, UK).
"Webster is one of nine children. I bet his father was smiling all the time."
Commentator during Webster-Moody match. (Riccardo, Surrey).
CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"We've got more steel than you!"
QPR fans at Bramall lane, referring to new investment by steel magnate Lakshmi Mittal at Rangers and Sheffield's status as the steel city. (Paul Knapp, England).
I'd rather be at the Villa
"Forest Gump is a Villa Fan!"
Aston Villa fans at Reading game after Hollywood actor Tom Hanks outed himself as a Villan. (Nick McD, England).
"We couldn't sell you on ebay!"
Grimsby Town fans to ex-keeper Anthony Williams.
(Leon Harding, Grimsby).
(To the tune of Daddy, Daddy Cool). Villa fans pay tribute to Salifou on his debut. (RC, UK).
"You're just a fat Kevin Doyle!"
Reading fans to Robbie Keane at White Hart Lane.(Helen, Reading).
"You'll never play at Anfield!"
Bishop's Stortford fans to Havant and Waterlooville when Stortford were 4-1 up. Havant could face Liverpool in the FA Cup if they win their replay against Swansea. (Ben Markham, Bishop's Stortford).
"We can't see you sneaking out!"
Worcester City fans celebrate their abandonment at Nuneaton Borough when the floodlights failed with Nuneaton 2-0 up in the 82nd minute.
(Darrell Butler, Worcestershire).
"He's so lower league
He's so lower league
He's so lower league
HE'S SO LOWER LEAGUE!"
To the tune of 'She's so lovely' by Scouting For Girls - Burnley fans to their under-performing winger Steve Jones. (Abduly, UK)
STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE WEEK
"If this is your first visit to The Valley, I should probably advise you it's not always like that!"
Charlton's announcer at half-time v Blackpool after four goals in a blistering first 25 minutes. (Paulo, England).
"We wanted him, he wanted us, and now we're together."
The stadium announcer at Stamford Bridge gets emotional over new signing Nicolas Anelka. (Emily, UK).
"The next match here at the Banks's Stadium is on New Years Day, which this year falls on January 1st."
Walsall stadium announcer at half-time in their league match with Millwall.
(Adam Guest, United Kingdom). A little old, but well worth bending the rules to include it! Ed.