"They all lined up like a bunch of tailor's dummies to announce Steve McClaren's sacking and it was like being at the fun-fair. Take a pop-gun, shoot them and see who falls off their chair - walk away with a goldfish."
Sir Alan Sugar gives his verdict on the press conference held by the FA suits after England's defeat to Croatia, in his News of the World column.
"Mila kura si planina."
Roughly translated as "My penis is a mountain" - the words opera singer Tony Henry accidentally used while singing Croatia's national anthem. He should have said "You know, my dear, how we love your mountains".
"I don't think any of the Croatian team would get into our team."
Michael Owen gives his verdict on England's World Cup draw. You sure about that, Michael?
"Unfortunately apparently I am to blame because I don't produce enough English players!"
Arsene Wenger bravely takes the rap for England's failure to qualify.
"I got booed, Jesus, and I didn't even play on Wednesday night!"
Ashley Cole is almost as shocked as the day he realised he was 'only' going to be paid £55k a week at Arsenal.
"You live and die by results, I asked to be judged on that and people have."
Steve McClaren admits he is dead in the water after the defeat by Croatia.
"Where I was brought up, they say you have to have received a death certificate before you are declared dead."
But Italy's Roberto Donadoni is very much alive ahead of the crunch clash with Scotland.
Laughing all the way to the bank
"I'll bounce back - I'm not one to lie on a beach."
McClaren, shortly before getting ready to jet off for a break in Barbados.
"Roy of the Rovers reads David Healy comics."
BBC Northern Ireland pundit John O'Neill after Healy broke Davor Suker's goalscoring record in Euro qualifiers.
"As always I am focused on training and coaching my team."
Rafa Benitez's statement that he repeated between nine and 25 times (depending on which paper you read) during a press conference after Liverpool's owners, Tom Hicks, told him to stop criticising their transfer policy.
"I feel like I've been on EastEnders all my life and now I'm playing King Lear."
Ian Holloway believes he's gone from cor blimey to Cordelia after getting the Leicester job.
"When I first started it was beer on ice and now it's players on ice."
The newly-retired Darren Lehmann
on how ice baths leave him cold.
"I'm like milk. Once it's gone past its expiry date you can't drink it anymore."
Luis Aragones won't be staying on as Spain manager till the cows come home.
"The scariest moment of the week came when a snake turned up at the ground. Someone said it was a python but, to be honest, I didn't care what it was - it was just huge."
Kevin Pietersen is freaked by a snake on the plains in Sri Lanka.
AND SOME FROM YOU
Just stick to the tunes, boys
"So England have lost - we're the worst team in the country."
Pigeon Detectives during their gig at Kentish Town straight after the Croatia game. At least their performance was better than their post-match analysis. (Chris Sheard, London).
"I have spoken to Steve, I get on really well with him, I had a grown-up conservation with him."
Brian Barwick confirms that he didn't resort to childish name-calling when telling Steve McClaren that he was to be sacked. (Bhav Trivedi, UK).
"This team has some of the best players in England."
David Beckham on the England national team. (Lee Thomas,
"I love your players. They are jumbo jets of football."
Slaven Bilic talking about England. Is he for one moment implying they're slow and lethargic?!
(George Quin, England).
"We knew at half-time we were only half-way there."
Wales captain Simon Davies after the Germany result. (Matt Simkins, Wales).
"90 minutes: McClaren has another sip of water. Good to be adequately hydrated when you get lynched..."
From the Eurosport.com commentary for the England/Croatia match. (Alan Grove, United States).
"We call it the Andrex Premiership. Soft and overly expensive."
Lawrence Dallaglio on BBC's Top Gear. (Chris Lomas, UK).
"He's one of the shorter keepers of the Premiership - only six inches tall."
BBC commentator about Man City's Isaakson. You sure he's that short?!
(Guillaume R, London).
Over 'ere, on me 'ead
John Motson: "You wouldn't expect Wright Phillips to win the header."
Mark Lawrenson: "Not unless he had a stepladder!"
During the England v Croatia game.
(Marcus Jackson, England).
"If United don't equalise, they might lose this game."
XFM commentator Micky Thomas's words of wisdom as Man Utd trailed Bolton 1-0. (David Dawber,
"Keeper Jussi Jaaskelainen did well to keep out Owen Hargreaves' dipping free-kick with a flying dave."
BBC report on Bolton-Man U game.
(Darren Riley, England).
"Lee Trundle could do with a bit of doughnut rehab."
Steve Guppy commentating on the Bristol City-Leicester match on BBC Radio Leicester. (Samantha, Scotland).
"If it was a knockout tournament with a final, that would be a great idea - quarter-final, semi-final, final - and a very interesting end to the season."
Kevin Doyle when asked about a return of the Home Nations tournament. How many teams does he think will be in it?
(Stephen Wilkes, Ireland).
"What I am focusing on is putting on the Gillingham shirt."
Gills' new signing Adam Miller. I know footballers aren't famed for being the cleverest, but it seems he still needs help dressing himself! (Jo Fitzgerald,
Imagine those two up front
"And McCartney is challenged by Lennon."
Commentary on the West Ham-Spurs match on Sky. (Andy, England).
"If it wasn't for the fact that they had more skill, guile, flair, pace, ability and commitment than us, we could genuinely have nicked something."
A Sunderland fan on 606 reflects on their 7-1 defeat at Everton.
"If it's anywhere on the pitch apart from inside the 18-yard box, you'd get a penalty."
Chris Kamara, after Birmingham's penalty appeals were turned down. (James Algie, Middlesbrough).
"If someone did us a favour on Saturday and we weren't in the right frame of mind to take advantage on Wednesday, it would be criminal."
Michael Owen prior to the Croatia game. The England team should be hearing from the police very soon! (Gordon, Scotland).
"He's my Dream Team captain (points x 2) and Bolton at home must rank as a definite win, near-certain clean-sheet, with the possibility of a goal. I could have been on 20 points with the big fella, now I'm gonna have to drop him, bring in Liam Rosenior and give Kenwyne Jones the armband!
Do Uefa care? Do they......!"
'Romario1000' on 606 on the subject of Nemanja Vidic potentially being unavailable for Man Utd v Bolton due to the rescheduled Serbia game. (Ian Robinson, Kingston, London).
And here comes the left-back
"Northern Ireland are kicking with the tide."
BBC Radio 5 Live commentator at the start of the rather wet match against Denmark. (Mark, England).
"I know England have most often used 4-4-2 but I feel there could be an innovation on Wednesday. I personally think it will be 2-0."
Arsene Wenger suggests a bold new formation for England in light of their injury and suspension-hit squad. (Rob Hayton, UK).
"Wouldn't it be great for Jaques to make consecutive debut hundreds?"
Mark Nicholas on Aussie batsman Phil Jaques, even though he made his debut in 2006, four games ago! (Tom Calder, UK).
CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"Kalala la la la la la - JP, Kalala la la la la la - JP, Kalala la la la la..." (To the tune of Amarillo).
Oldham fans to midfielder Jean-Paul Kalala.
"Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na - Darryl, Darryl Knights, Darryl Knights, Darryl, Darryl Knights." (To the tune of Baby Give It Up).
Cambridge United fans to on-loan striker Darryl Knights. (Lewis W the Junior U, England).
I'd rather be watching Reading
"You should have gone Christmas shopping!"
Man City fans to Reading after going one-nil up. (Helen, Reading).
"You're just a bus stop in West Ham."
Sung by us Yeovil fans during our 2-1 defeat at Millwall. (Dan Gillard, England). Brave or just plain daft? Ed.
"Are you England in disguise?"
Jubilant Staines Town fans to Stockport counterparts after scoring an early goal on Thursday. (Matt, Chertsey).
"Three caretakers' blue and white army!"
Barrow fans pay tribute to their three-man player/caretaker management team in the FA Cup first round replay at Bournemouth. (Andy Steel, England).
"Banksy, Banksy, swing on the bar!"
Hearts fans to goalkeeper Steve Banks while winning 4-1 against Aberdeen. Banks then runs up and swings on the bar! (Thomas Arnot, Scotland).
"He's big, he's Scouse, he looks like Mickey Mouse - it's Franny Jeffers, Franny Jeffers!"
Sheffield Wednesday fans against Southampton. (Molly Fenwick, Doncaster).
STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE WEEK
"Has anyone got any cheese?"
The Penrith announcer's comment which was unwittingly broadcast over the public address system during the game with Marske United. (Paul, Marske).