And it was my fault Rooney got injured too
"I'm ready to take the blame for all the problems of English football if that is what he wants."
Arsene Wenger responds after Sir Alex Ferguson has a dig at Arsenal for their lack of homegrown players.
"You can compare us at the moment to a bit of soft porn - there is an awful lot of foreplay and not a lot going on in the box."
Rochdale manager Keith Hill reflects on their 2-1 home defeat by Stockport.
"You people sometimes are like those serial killers you see in films who cut out the words 'I am going to get you' or 'your wife is next'."
Celtic manager Gordon Strachan rips into the media. Be afraid, be very afraid.
"Liam has worked hard on his finishing but I can't believe he wanted to see my backside so much!"
It's squeaky-bum time for Bristol City boss Gary Johnson, who promised to bare his backside in a shop window if Liam Fontaine ever scored - which he did against Wolves.
"He had his head bandaged up the other week after going in where it hurts. Mind you, that was probably the best thing with his dodgy haircut!"
Aston Villa's Curtis Davies believes defensive partner Martin Laursen is a cut above.
"I'll fight him anywhere. I'll fight him in his garden."
Joe Calzaghe is planning to show American great Bernard Hopkins he's the daddy.
"Sir Galahad was still fighting when he was a knight, why shouldn't our guy?"
Promoter Frank Warren believes Calzaghe is no ordinary Joe, following his defeat of Mikkel Kessler.
I'm a Murali man myself
"Sri Lanka cricket at this moment of time is not going in the direction it should be going, especially with a set of muppets headed by a joker."
Sri Lankan batsman Marvan Atapattu has a mild dig at the selectors.
"I said a few things and I tried to grab him by the throat,
but he was too high!"
Derby boss Billy Davies finds going head-to-head with defender Claude Davis a bit of a tall order.
"I got lucky because Ali missed a lot of balls - I'm playing rubbish in practice."
Ronnie O'Sullivan after hitting five straight centuries, including a maximum, against Ali Carter. You just let us know when you're playing well, Ron.
"Thank you, Liam!"
Aston Villa defender Zat Knight on the own-goal by former Villa player Liam Ridgewell that helped his old side win the Midlands derby.
"It's been great so far, very positive and smooth apart from... the season."
David Beckham is having a ball in LA, aside from that pesky day job.
AND SOME FROM YOU
Every little helps
"Early in the contest it did not look as if Haye could go 'all night long' as he failed to make the most of his extra six inches."
BBC Sport website talking about David Haye's reach during his cruiserweight title victory. (Andy Collins, England).
"Will Lewis come to the checkout, please, Lewis to the checkout..."
Heard in Stevenage Homebase this weekend. Perhaps he hasn't quite made it to Switzerland. (Andy, UK).
"Man United's defensive record is second to none... apart from Liverpool's that is."
Warren Barton on Sky. (Chris Owen, England).
"He's breathing, that is always a good sign."
Dick Best commentating on Perpignan v Dragons as Dan Lydiate lay injured. (Matthew Allen, Wales).
"And as it draws nearer to five o'clock here, it is now eight hours' difference from the UK."
Sky Sports commentator on HSBC Golf Champions. So is it a different time difference at other times in the day?
(David Bedlow, England).
"De Ridder trying a couple of legovers there, just like Ronaldo."
Martin Keown while co-commentating on Birmingham v Villa. (Phil Todd, UK).
"Hamilton is a great driver, but there are lots of great drivers in Formula One who did not have his package."
Jenson Button reveals to the Mail on Sunday how size is everything in F1. (Astrofiammante, Hertfordshire).
"Of course, Steven Gerrard is one of only a few Liverpool players who never get left out by Rafa. And even he doesn't always get picked."
David Pleat on Rafa's rotation policy during the Liverpool-Besiktas game. (Marky Saunders, UK).
Serious howl play
"SENT OFF: Ware, Wolf, Serious Foul Play (90)."
Taken from the BBC vidi-printer. No doubt he was sent off for having excessive facial hair and howling. (Mark Wittenberg, UK).
"Rob Burrow is dancing away like Michael Jackson out there."
BBC live commentary on the GB-New Zealand third Test. (Tim, Benfleet, Essex).
"We'll stay in a very nice hotel, travel up on a nice bus and in the morning we'll have a nice walk."
Motherwell manager Mark McGhee hoping for a 'nice' result in Inverness at the weekend.
"It's been a football marathon on 5 Live, I mean Channel 5.
Channel 5 commentator Dave Woods mixing up his employers - hope they understood. (Simon Carroll, Manchester).
"Nuremberg have a large fan base, with travellers making their way across the border from Czech Republic and Australia."
Kevin Ratcliffe in the build-up to Nuremberg v Everton on BBC Mersey. Think he needs a geography lesson! (Phil Parsons, England).
"Howard in goal was straight out like a light."
Setanta's Brian Kerr on Tim Howard coming swiftly out of his goal for Everton against Nuremberg. (Sinéad, Ireland),
"I'm a bit disappointed because we hadn't conceded a goal in our group until tonight."
Arsene Wenger must have been watching a different game from the 0-0 draw in Prague. (Paul Garton, England).
"That was a suicide pass by Easton, he could have been responsible for the first opening goal for Leeds."
David Platt on Hereford v Leeds. How many opening goals can you have? (Iain, Worcester).
Go Johnny, go Johnny
"Gerken leaves Watford in a pickle."
Jeff Stelling after Colchester keeper Dean Gerken saves Marlon King's penalty. (Foster, England).
"Ronnie O'Sullivan fought back from 4-2 down to beat Tom Ford 5-3."
On BBC Sport website report. I knew Ronnie was good... (NP, UK).
"He hit that header with his hand."
Danish commentary concluding that Oscar Cardozo possesses the ability to head with his hand.
(Daniel Marslew, Denmark).
"It's funny how teams play differently when they're three or 4-0 up. Everyone wants to eat the ball at that stage."
John Giles eulogises Liverpool's hunger during the 8-0 win over Besiktas. (Kevin Threadgold, Ireland).
"If I had any hair, I'd be pulling it out."
Dundee boss Alex Rae after they came from behind to win again. (Albert Kidd, Scotland).
"Last week, when Arsenal faced Slavia Prague, it was seven. For Liverpool tonight, it was eight. When Chelsea went to Schalke in Germany, it was NEIN."
Jim Rosenthal stakes his claim for corniest quote of the season on Champions League highlights. (Ian Robinson,
"Liverpool have sent a message to the Liverpool's, the Chelsea's and the Arsenal's."
David Pleat after Liverpool scored eight against Besiktas. Exactly how do you send a message to yourself then, David? (Kenny Lomas, England).
"The last time Arbeloa, Aurelio and Crouch all started for Liverpool, It was against Arsenal, Crouch scored a hat-trick and Arsenal won 4-1."
Commentator during Liverpool-Besiktas game. Who does Crouch play for again?
(Tom Squires, Scotland).
Raul's finishing is going down the pan
"That was toilet bowl finishing from Raul."
GOLTV's Geordie football commentator.
(Steven McLean, Scotland).
"There are three results possible."
Andy Townsend before the United-Arsenal match. OBVIOUSLY. (Luke Bennett, England).
"That's frustration - and a little bit of GBH."
Gerry Armstrong on a tackle by Babic on Messi during the Barca-Betis Match. Babic was then booked.
"He rainbows the keeper."
A Fox Soccer channel analyst during a Bundesliga highlights programme describing the striker lobbing the goalkeeper. (Ola Adetula,
CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"You dirty northern b******s!"
Torquay fans to Yeovil after a Torquay player was hacked down! (Neil Blinston, USA).
"We want nine!"
Manchester United fans after their second goal against Kiev, desperate not to be outdone by Liverpool! (Dale, England).
No-one wants to see that
"Get your ass out for the lads!"
Bristol City fans after Liam Fontaine scored against Wolves. Johnson said at the start of the season - after Fontaine missed a sitter - he would bare his bum in a shop window if he ever scored.
(Gary Turner, Bristol).
"Are you Besiktas in disguise?"
Sheffield Wednesday fans to Southampton when the Saints went 5-0 down. (Will Sarson, England).
"Meat pie, sausage roll, come on fatty - score a goal!"
Sung by Bishop's Stortford fans to Basingstoke's overweight left-back. (Ben Markham, England).
"Are you Wigan in disguise?"
Bolton fans to Bayern Munich during the 2-2 draw. (Foster,
"We've got more snow than you!"
Aberdeen fans to Lokomotiv Moscow on a snowy, wintry night at Pittodrie. (Scott Donaldson, Scotland).
"You're just a small town in Poland!"
Brighton fans to Walsall's travelling support. (James Blake, Brighton).
"Top of the league, your havin' a laugh!"
West Brom fans during the 3-0 victory over Watford at Vicarage Road.
"Top of the league, we're havin' a laugh!"
Watford fans reply. (Jonathan Parrott, England).
Uh-oh, here comes Diouf
"He's gonna spit in a minute."
West Ham fans to Bolton's El Hadji Diouf. (Mike Amis, Chelmsford, Essex).
"Are you Frodo in disguise?"
Histon fans' chant at the rather short referee in the match against Bamber Bridge. (Don Wilderspin, England).
"You can stick your Yorkshire puddings up your a***!"
Carlisle fans to the Leeds fans after the 3-1 win!
(Jack Dobinson, England).
"Lets go Marek Mintal!"
From a group of us who went to watch Nuremberg v Frankfurt - Nuremberg won 5-1 and their star player was Marek Mintal - so we started the chant. Sadly the Germans didn't catch on. (Jimmy, UK).
STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENTS OF THE WEEK
"Tottenham's box office have announced that all tickets are sold out for next season's league game against Leeds."
Half-time announcer at Stamford Bridge.(Emily, UK).
"A message to the Family Stand - can you please start a Mexican wave?"
From the 150th anniversary game at Sheffield FC. (Danny Waller, England).