If it doesn't work out, there's always the catwalk
All the talk at the moment is of Mascherano and Tevez, and, to be frank, what the hell they think they're doing playing for West Ham.
The Brazil-Argentina game at the Emirates Stadium at least gave us another look at Marlon Harewood's strike partner and I have to say, the fuse looks short to me.
Maybe it's the monobrow or the chunky stature of the lad, but Carlos has something of the angry terrier about him - and I suggest that Premiership defenders'll be working on their best niggles before they face him.
Hammers fans won't care if they get a Paolo di Canio clone (minus the dodgy salutes). What they might mind is seeing their club being used as a kind of third party for some complicated financial deal that'll see these blokes shifted on to the rich and successful come June 2007.
Of course, you chirpy Cockneys'll be telling me that by then the Irons will have qualified for Europe and your foreign legionnaires will be only too keen to stay.
I hope for your sakes the line in your song "our dreams, they fade and die" doesn't come true.
Not a happy chappy
Bjorn to be wild
So Thomas Bjorn's not happy with Ian Woosnam after being left out of the Ryder Cup team. Well boo-hoo.
You can understand the lad being disappointed, of course, but if you can't get in the top 10 on merit you've got no-one but yourself to blame.
Woosie didn't make you play rubbish, did he? No. Then shut up and get behind the team, you big babby!
Personally I find it hard to criticise the little Welshman. He's one of them sportsmen who looks anything but, plus he's partial to the odd ciggie as he goes round, so I've always liked him.
His wildcard picks are hard to fault too. I think Darren Clarke will be inspired. He's obviously hurting like hell but he's great at matchplay and Europe need him.
Lee Westwood has always done pretty well in Ryder Cup matches, not to mention winning a couple of tournaments at the K Club a few years back.
In fact, you look at the Yanks this time around, taking Woods, Mickelson and Furyk out of the equation (and let's face it their Ryder records are pretty crap) - then what have we got to fear?
Can I play you every week?
What's the point?
Against Andorra, England got their best result in a competitive international since beating Germany 5-1, apparently.
Competitive international? Against Andorra? What a joke.
What is the point of playing such a bunch of total losers? You're better off chucking these minnows into their own little pond and letting the best of them join a qualifying competition further down the line.
Meanwhile, Crouchy has become the hottest striker in international football - and as long as he keeps playing the might of Jamaica and Andorra, he should continue getting hatfuls.
But let's not get too carried away, eh? McClaren's had a grand start but Macedonia away could be a differerent ball game (I can't believe I'm writing that).
Also, I still wonder about Lampard - surely Gerrard would be even better in the centre?
And I thought Paul Robinson had a shocker against the Andorrans. We should have seen far more of the big man in the opponents' penalty area. Bring back Calamity James!
The boy Don good
Well Don, son!
We've got another world champ! Tim Don! No that's not an anagram, that's his name!
Tim has won the world triathlon title. He swam 1500m, cycled 40km and ran 10km faster than anyone else.
You're tempted to say "You dozy twerp, what do you want to go and do that for?" - but fair play to him.
I do suspect that if these triathletes were that good at any one of the three things they have to do, they wouldn't be bothering with the other two, but we have a winner!
In fact, why don't we try to cobble together a few different sports and make them an event in their own right?
Get them in the Olympics for 2012. Rhythmic gymnastics on horseback? Synchronised darts? Skateboard tennis? If we invent them, chances are we'll be the best at them for a couple of years at least. I can feel a gold-rush coming on.