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  Monday, 27 January, 2003, 13:49 GMT
The end of the Roeder?
BBC Sport Online columnist Derek 'Robbo' Robson on Glenn Roeder, Andre Agassi, Gazza and the Superbowl.

No Defence for Roeder

If, like me, you've had the sneaking suspicion that Glenn Roeder is a decent enough bloke who deserves a break or two, then let's all put that sort of dribbling sentiment to one side once and for all.

I know the Hammers have always played nice stuff and the East End was flattened during the second world war...

In fact if it wasn't for our dear old Queen Mum, gawd bless 'er, there wouldn't be an East End, etc, etc.

Glenn Roeder
Roeder nose he's on borrowed time

But nevertheless West Ham United are shocking. There's no point you pearly kings moaning about no Kanoute and Di Canio.

What you lack is anyone who can tackle. In other words, there's a right bunch of jessies at Upton Park.

Come to think of it, Roeder was one of those defenders who fancied himself on the ball a bit too much and never was much for hacking people down when he had to.

Get shot of him now and you might not keep Birmingham up!

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Thanks but no thanks, Yanks

I was going to give it a go, I really was. Stay up and watch the Superbowl, I mean.

But after them country lasses squealed Land of the Free and the big jets had roared over on their way to the set of Gulf 2: Son of Bush, I just felt sick and gave up.

After all, US football is no sort of entertainment at all. It's just giant freakish men smashing into each other and trying to keep their spines intact.

A pair of Superbowl cheerleaders
British Bulldog anyone?

And if they're so hard, lose the kapok body suits and do it mano a mano.

And then there's the fact that in a gridiron game, time stretches. It takes four hours to play one hour's worth of a game which is not much more than British bulldog with an egg.

I thought I'd use that time more fruitfully so I went to bed and tried to wake the wife.

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Gansu Gazza

Bloody hell! Gascoigne's got a job! (And it's not as ITV's World Cup W****r, either!)

No, he's signed for a Chinese Second Division team. A Chinese Second Division team! I mean how much can he possibly be getting over there?

I could have taken an empty coffee jar with a slot in the top round our local boozer and we could have had him playing for the Blue Bell this Sunday!

Paul Gascoigne
I wonder where they keep the dentist's chair?

And if he's gone there for the food, then no problems! Jimmy Ho is our right-back and does a mean beef in black bean sauce of an evening 'n' all.

Apparently Paul is going to be the spiritual leader of the team. Yeah. I can just see him all Buddha-like sitting under a tree with a burger in one hand and a bottle of dog in the other leading his new pals in group belching.

It's not going to work, is it? How's he going to communicate for God's sake? Gazza thinks that Cantonese is the language spoken by the Cantona family.

We may never see or hear from the man again.

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Classy Agassi

Regular Robbo readers will realise that tennis is not my sport of choice. It's posh, overpaid and overvalued - and it was better when they had them little wooden rackets.

Still, Agassi has established himself as one of the best. And you just know he's overcome some hardship to get there.

Andre Agassi
Agassi gives more lip service

Not least is the fact that he looks like a baby seal, walks like a duck and sounds like a girl.

But he gives the ball a bit of welly and even Hewitt wouldn't have had a prayer this week in Oz.

I wonder if we can't tempt the Las Vegan and his missus over to England, permanently. Our accountants are much more reliable than American ones - or your Dad, Steffi.

Plus we'd have these ready-made tennis brats ready to take on the world. Can you imagine how hard a Grafagassi forehand is going to be?

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