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  Friday, 24 January, 2003, 15:07 GMT
Dream on, Geordie boys!
BBC Sport Online columnist Derek on Newcastle, Lleyton Hewitt, England's cricketers and Dennis Bergkamp.

Hi Robbo.

Hello son. You all right?

Very well - that Boro just can't win away, can they?

They can't score and they can't win away. And it doesn't fill you with confidence when your manager says - "I don't know what's going on".

Well that brings us on to our first e-mail - and you're not going to like it, Robbo. It comes from Davy in Newcastle.

Oh no!

He says: If Newcastle get Kleberson and Woodgate we'll be Champions League certs for next season, then we'll win the Premiership!

The Beatles
The last time Boro won away?

Yeah, course you will.

Then you've got 'poor old Boro', who haven't won away since about 1963!

Since September, actually - a glorious 3-0 thrashing of Spurs I seem to remember.

This is typical optimism from the Geordie boy - silly prat. This happened last year with Liverpool, didn't it?

Ooh we've got the Senagelese boys now and we're really ready to take on the might of Man United and Arsenal. Now look at them.

Take the game against Sheffield United - they were within a kick and a spit of going out.

I think you're getting over-exicted, frankly son - although Woodgate's probably a good buy, as long as he stays in at night.

Have your say

OK, next up is Mal Walker of South Australia, who's not very happy with you, Robbo.

Oh dear.

He says: Until your article on Lleyton Hewitt I thought you were fairly spot on with your comments.

Unfortunately you don't know Lleyton Hewitt, and as for your snide comment of 'rat face', I thought that was more like gutter journalism than sports writing.

Mal continues: He has more talent in his little finger than you will ever have in any field...

Lleyton Hewitt
Why doesn't Robbo like me?

He's never seen me in a field! I'm quite handy with a plough.

...for your education, Lleyton is an extremely nice lad (I know him) - it doesn't take much talent to insult people with innuendos.

No it doesn't, Mal, you prat. It's very easy to insult people. But I don't know you, so that could be a misplaced comment.

And you're right, I don't know Lleyton either, but you obviously haven't been reading all of my columns, because ever since he appeared I've been slagging him off.

I'm sure he's really nice off court, but on court he looks like a funny little street punk who's propped his skateboard against a fence and runs around with his cap on the wrong way around.

And shouts a lot, in a kind of aggressive, colonial way.

He really winds me up, I can't help it, but I'm sure if we went for a pint I'd really get on well with him and we'd have a good old laugh.

On court he really gets under me skin - and there is something rodent-like about his facial features.

So by that reckoning, Mal - you're more than welcome to call me a squat, four-eyed Teesside pillock.

I wouldn't take offence and I'm sure Lleyton's funny round shoulders are big enough to take it. I'm glad he's out, by the way!

Have your say

Now, Dave Raybould fromThailand says: Does Zimbabwe have an intelligence unit called the ECB (like MI5)?

Because I can't really believe that the English Cricket Board could release a statement saying that it's perfectly fine and dandy to go and play cricket there.

Robert Mugabe
Has no-one got a conscience?

Maybe next year we can look forward to a Test series with North Korea?

Ithink you're being a bit charitable to use the phrase intelligence unit in relation to the ECB.

I can't believe it either. The cricketers have resorted to making little snide comments into their beer about the situation when journalists are around.

Not only have they got to play cricket in front of a bunch of Mugabe supporters when there's people starving in the same area, but they're not allowed to go home and see the wife and kids.

Some sort of weird regime seems to have taken over at the ECB where you have to toe the line or you've had it.

I think they should just stand up and say we've had enough of this - we're going home to see the wife and kids and we're not playing in that country.

I suppose it's all about money, but they should put that to one side. Don't these people have a conscience?

But then why are the ICC agreeing to have it there in the first place?!

It's one of them things - either you want to play in a country like that or you don't.

These are grown people, but half the time they sound like kids who've been caught robbing a sweet shop.

They'll say: "It wasn't me, I just went along because he was nicking them." There, that's me angry.

Adam Gilchrist
The Aussies are being cruel to us

Well on a lighter note (ho ho), what about England's latest walloping in the cricket?

Well I've been telling them to come home since they got out there.

But the management have refused to let them go home before the World Cup and the players have had a big sulk and got themselves all out for 117.

That was so cruel of Australia not to get the target inside 10 overs as well wasn't it?

That was deliberate and spiteful - you're staying here, we're going to make you suffer some more!

Have your say

Finally, Daniel in Germany has this to say: To be precise, what's the hullabaloo about the incident involving Dennis?

Patently, some people out there are jealous of Arsenal's run this season.

Arsene Wenger has done a tremendous job at Arsenal, detractors beware.

I'm actually quite in favour of Arsenal winning another title, just to stop Man U winning everything.

Bergkamp spends most of the season playing glorious passes, curling in wonderful shots into the top corner and part of it stamping on people or smacking them in the face.

Dennis Bergkamp
Dennis is not just about the pretty stuff

Just because he does all this lovely stuff, it doesn't mean he's not doing the other.

And he never seems to get sent off during the game, it's always afterwards. Have you noticed that?

Referees think: "I must have been confused because that was Bergkamp the strolling maestro who just stamped on someone's head.

"I can't book him, he's a lovely lad - he's scared of flying and everything."

Then you've got the other Arsenal lads who are always tumbling around in the box. I mean they're that good they don't really need to do all that, do they?

It's time to stop all this shilly-shallying.

Good point well made, Robbo. That just about wraps it up for today - it's the FA Cup this weekend, so good luck to Dagenham and Farnborough.

Ai, I hope they both come through - although Farnborough won't, obviously.

But I'm looking forward to after the match when the players will have their Bullseye moment.

"We've had a great day, we didn't win owt, but it was a great day nevertheless."

Then someone'll show 'em the FA Cup and say: "Here's what you would have won." Marvellous.

OK, Robbo - have a good weekend.

Ta-ta, son.

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Derek 'Robbo' Robson
"Lleyton looks like a funny little street punk "
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