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   Tuesday, 7 January, 2003, 13:37 GMT
England's false Vaughan
BBC Sport Online columnist Derek 'Robbo' Robson on England's sole Test victory, the FA Cup, darts and Alan Partridge.

England are Vaughan Again

Hang on! What the hell am I on about? We got hammered 4-1 and they let us have the last one. Even the umpires were feeling sorry for us by then.

As a tour, it was the biggest shambles in living memory. Half the squad were knacked, the other half were s***.

Some managed to be both knacked and s***. Only Vaughan managed to surface from the depths of slurry that we came up with.

So (and I am talking to meself now), let's not even think for one minute that we've achieved anything except made a few Antipodeans very happy.

I kept on reading that gloating garbage from Davo and I realised there was nothing I could say in return except "Oh yeah? Well at least I don't come from a nation of ex-convict, half-witted barmen."

Michael Vaughan
Vaughan to be mild

And now the World Cup is coming up and the Government reckon we shouldn't be playing this match in Zimbabwe.

So all the cricket people are saying "Well what do you want us to do?" And the Government are saying "It's up to you."

And by Christ it is up to the cricketers. You're free to pursue your career wherever you want to, lads. Instead of whining about it, I suggest you read up on a few things and decide for yourselves.

What a bunch of dozy, pampered good-for-nothings they are.

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Cup of Good Hope

Shrewsbury, up till now known only for their crappity biscuits and a club ground that sounds like Dale Winton's farmstead, have revived my belief in the romance of the Cup.

And just to back it up, the 4th round draws Farnborough at home to the Gooners with Chelsea, most appropriately, off to Gay Meadow as the next lambs to the Shropshire slaughter.

Still, the Kings Road clowns'll be happy to be playing on a decent surface for a change.

Alan Titchmarsh
Where do you want your rockery, Ken?

Just give the Stamford Bridge pitch over to Alan bloody Titchmarsh and find somewhere else to play. It's a disgrace, man.

While we're on the subject, why do TV schedulers continue their love affair with Liverpool FC when quite clearly they are about as entertaining as watching my 'tache grow?

For God's sake, man, let's watch the Saints or the Boro (at home only) or Bolton or Dunfermline or anyone but these bores. Get 'em off my screen!

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Stewpid Garry

I can't look at Garry Richardson without thinking of Alan Partridge. The blazers, the side-parting, even the voice.

So it's not surprising that he came unstuck on Monday's radio interview with an Aussie prankster.

Alan Partridge
Not to be confused with Garry Richardson

It was the worst impression I have ever heard of anyone ever and still Garry carried on asking questions.

Why he didn't say immediately, "either Alec Stewart is having dental surgery as we speak or you're an Aussie p***head with too much time on his hands" I will never know.

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Darts is back

At the time of year when you can't believe how many Quality Street wrappers are sitting in a semi-circle at your feet, it's good to see the darts back.

There was a time, albeit briefly, when darts players looked normal-sized.

Good to see then that the likes of Taylor, Fordham and co are carrying on the traditions of Leighton Rees and Jocky Wilson.

It's like singing opera, is darts. I swear you have to be enormous to be any good at it.

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