Hello. I know, I know, it’s all been a bit “hmmmm” and a bit “meh” so far hasn’t it? (Except you Germany, you swots). But today simply cannot disappoint. Heavyweights Brazil and Portugal enter the fray, as do one of Africa’s best hopes in Ivory Coast. Plus we’ll get to see two of the more intriguing sides at this tournament: North Korea and New Zealand. And Slovakia!

At 1230 BST, New Zealand kick off against Slovakia. Until then, we’ll have a little look at all the best paper chat, we’ll reflect on Italy’s underwhelming draw against Paraguay, and get really very excited about today’s games only to be crushingly disappointed when they actually happen. Probably.

So if you’re on a UK vibe, by which I mean you live in the UK, you’ll know that one man dominates the news today. Rob Green takes a day off as Franz Beckenbauer arrives on the back page of pretty much every single newspaper. Der Kaiser wrote in his column for a South African newspaper: "What I saw of the English against the USA had very little to do with football. It looked to me as if the English have gone backwards into the bad old days of kick and rush.”

What Beckenbauer has failed to realise is that it is not England’s fault that they cannot pass the ball to each other, it is the fault of that pesky Jabulani. Both Frank Lampard and Clint Dempsey reckoned the ball deviated before Rob Green's horror mistake on Saturday (even though that was not evident to any normal eye). The Independent reports that Fabio Capello turned down the chance to train with the ball before the friendly with Egypt in March, because he simply didn't think it was worth it...

Ball trouble is not just limited to England. Serbia's Nemanja Vidic, Algeria's Majid Bougherra, Slovenia's Robert Koren and Nigeria's Dickson Etuhu have all been critical of the Jabulani. "It's the worst ball ever," Etuhu told the BBC. "You can't head it [from goalkeeper's kicks], you don't know where it's going to go. If you pass the ball into a player's feet, if it's off the ground, you don't know where it's going to go. It's the worst thing they could have done. It's so hard to play with."

England are out training and BBC Sport's Phil McNulty reports that Wayne Rooney and Ashley Cole have returned to the fold after having a rest yesterday. Only Ledley King is missing.

Hate to keep going on about Rob Green... But it's only just come to my attention that the clever people who create replays of famous football moments with Lego are doing World Cup highlights. Hurrah. Not great news for poor old Rob though. The South Africa-Mexico one's pretty entertaining too, especially the goal celebration (watch from about 1:15)

It's not been a great tournament for goalkeepers so far (Nigeria's Vincent Enyeama aside). Algeria's Faouzi Chaouchi dropped a clanger to gift Slovenia victory on Sunday, and last night flappy-hands Paraguay keeper Justo Villar saved Italy's blushes by missing a cross, allowing Daniele de Rossi to tap in. Added to that, Italy's Gianluigi Buffon came off at half-time with a back problem.

Italy's Buffon is quoted as saying he'll be fit again in "two days". Algeria coach Rabah Saadane insists he still has faith in Chaouchi. It just remains to be seen whether Capello still believes in Green. "England are a superb team," said Saadane yesterday. "I put them among my favourites. There will be very little change against them in terms of personnel, maybe one or two."

It's 1018 BST, let's move on to today's games and the breaking news is that Ivory Coast talisman Didier Drogba has been given permission to play with a cast on his fractured arm.

Good news for Sven-Goran Eriksson then, with the news that Didier Drogba could yet play against Portugal despite his busted arm. The Swedish job-magnet only took over as Ivory Coast manager in March and has presided over two friendlies before today. "It is a short period of time, that is a fact," Eriksson told BBC Sport's Paul Fletcher yesterday. "But I am very confident. The players are working very hard and I am looking forward to the tournament."

Some will tell you World Cups only really begin when the Brazilians come to the party, but the days of Joga Bonito appear to be long gone. Brazil coach Dunga spent much of his press conference yesterday defending the pragmatism he has brought to the 2010 squad. “The criticism is always that we are a defensive team, but we’ve scored over 100 goals so must be somewhat creative,” said the 1994 World Cup-winning captain. “We’ve only conceded 30 goals so are a very balanced team. You guys say I’m a difficult character, but you criticise me for 24 hours and I can only criticise you for one second. You attack me from morning to evening, but if I answer, you tell me I’m out of line. If I speak out of turn, you tell me I am bitter."

Dunga's outburst aside, the best news to come out of the Brazil camp is that Felipe Melo named his son after 1986 Golden Boot winner - and famous wearer of a cast on his arm - Gary Lineker. "I find it very beautiful, different... and an honour," said the defensive midfielder. "He was a great player, a big name in the national team of England and in the history of the English national team." It can't have been only me that was a bit disappointed to learn he called his son Lineker, not Gary.

Cristiano Ronaldo gets a chance to show what he can do with a Jabulani in today's 1500 BST kick-off against Ivory Coast. However, the 25-year-old failed to score in Portugal's stuttering qualification campaign. Is he worried? Of course he's not. This is Cristiano Ronaldo we're talking about... "I want to explode at this World Cup. I am saving all my goals for this tournament. It would be fantastic if I could be the top scorer and the best player at the World Cup."

New Zealand are preparing for their second World Cup, after losing all three games on their debut in 1982. The All Whites lost to Mexico, Australia, Slovenia and Chile in their warm-ups, but they did beat Serbia 1-0. Captain Ryan Nelsen is nonetheless excited. "It's amazing for us. We have felt the support back in New Zealand. We don't usually get this publicity and support. It's humbling and really exciting. We will be making sure we make every New Zealander proud."

Remember I told you Felipe Melo named his son Lineker, after the BBC presenter (and former England striker) of the same name. Here's Gary's reaction: "I am extremely flattered, albeit mildly embarrassed. Surely with the array of talent within the Brazilian team, he could have named him after someone other than a goal hanger like me!"

New Zealand's opponents Slovakia could include Man City youngster Vladimir Weiss Jr in their starting line-up, the son of coach Vladimir Weiss, who is the son of former Czechoslovakia international... Vladimir Weiss Sr. Obviously. "He is a very clever boy but it is not easy for him because his coach is his father," said Vladimir Weiss No. 2 (the coach, the father, you know the one) "And he is not an easy player to coach, but I am sure he will show an excellent performance and will help his team. We are all full of expectation."

OK, it's Jonathan Stevenson time. He'll no doubt have some 'predos' for your entertainment. I'll bet he's fuming I've stolen his Vladimir Weiss chat too... See you soon maybe.

After that perfect start to the day, it’s back to South Africa we go where, in less than an hour, New Zealand and Slovakia will get their Group F campaigns under way. I’m Jonathan Stevenson in Johannesburg and you’re very welcome indeed.

Fuming? Me? Caroline Cheese must have the wrong person… Anyway, refresh your page and we’re good to go. Now then, what a day we have in store. At 1230 BST it’s the All Whites v the Repre, at 1600 BST it’s the Elephants v Seleccao das Quinas and finally, at 1930 BST, we’ve got the Samba Kings v the Chollima. Are you still with me?

I hope so. Anyway, how are you on day five? I’ll bring you NZ-Slovakia and then Chris Bevan will present Ivory Coast-Portugal and Brazil-North Korea as I attend the intriguing tie from Ellis Park this evening. Hit me your thoughts, but save some chat for later too - it's a marathon, not a sprint: Tweet me @Stevo_football; text me on 81111 (UK) and +44 7786200666 (worldwide); and waffle away on the 606 page too.

New Zealand: Paston, Reid, Nelsen, Vicelich, Smith, Bertos, Elliott, Lochhead, Fallon, Smeltz, Killen.
Subs: Moss, Sigmund, Brown, Barron, McGlinchey, Clapham, Mulligan, Boyens, Wood, Christie, Brockie, Bannatyne.
Slovakia: Mucha, Zabavnik, Durica, Skrtel, Cech, Strba, Weiss, Sestak, Hamsik, Vittek, Jendrisek.
Subs: Pernis, Pekarik, Kozak, Sapara, Holosko, Jakubko, Stoch, Kucka, Kopunek, Salata, Petras, Kuciak.
Referee: Jerome Damon (South Africa)

If you’re very, very busy, you might only have 60 seconds to find out what happened in the World Cup on Monday. Here’s my quick summary of events: Netherlands turned into Germany; Japan are motoring and Italy gave England some respite. Done.

Chris Bevan has been a busy boy. Not content with writing a blog on the ageing Italian team and their less-than-convincing start to the World Cup, he also managed to grab a word with the legendary Clarence Seedorf on the Netherlands' opening 2-0 win over Denmark. "We need more flair," might be the headline from the BBC pundit.

New Zealand 0-2 Slovakia
Ivory Coast 1-1 Portugal
Brazil 4-1 North Korea

New Zealand are without midfielder Tim Brown, so 33-year-old Ivan Vicelich steps in. Middlesbrough’s Chris Killen, Ipswich’s Tommy Smith, Plymouth’s Rory Fallon, and Blackburn’s Ryan Nelsen are all in the side.

Slovakia stars Martin Skrtel and captain Marek Hamsik are in the starting XI after injuries. Liverpool defender Skrtel has recovered from an ankle injury he suffered in the warm-up game against Costa Rica, while tattooed Napoli playmaker Hamsik, who has been linked with a move to the Premier League, hasn’t played since May because of a muscle injury. Robert Vittek gets the nod up front, leaving Miroslav Stoch and Filip Holosko on the bench.

New Zealand have been at the World Cup once before of course, in 1982 when they were spanked 5-2 by Scotland, 3-0 by Soviet Union and 4-0 by that magical Brazilian side. In the All Whites side was a young defender named Ricki Herbert (definitely not Rickie Lambert), who is now the national team manager: “It's been a long time hasn't it?” said Herbert this week. “It’s taken 28 years for a chance to try and change something. Yeah, I’ve still got Socrates’ shirt. Hopefully he’s still got mine.”

South African referee Jerome Damon takes charge of this game, the only homegrown whistler at the World Cup. He'll be hoping to avoid any Ivory Coast games after telling the Mirror last week: "At a game between the Ivory Coast and Sudan in 2005, I was not well positioned and Didier Drogba took a shot at goal and the ball struck me in my family jewels. I just smiled and continued, although I was in great pain. I just told myself that whatever I do, I wouldn’t fall down.”

Slovakia might be at the World Cup finals for the first time as an independent nation, but they have some very fine players for us to look forward to watching today. Napoli playmaker Marek Hamsik is one of them, and he captains the side today on the brink of snubbing Europe’s big boys and signing a new contract at Napoli in Serie A. "I'm very happy the Napoli president is content with me and values me,” said a humble Hamsik.

On BBC telly, Lee Dixon has just done a short tactical analysis piece on Scotland's 5-2 win over New Zealand at the 1982 World Cup. For some reason, with Alan Hansen - who was playing that day - sat next to him, he chose to focus on the two All White goals and a woeful long-range shot from the Scots' number five. Quality.

If you want to know what it means to play for your country at the World Cup, check out skipper Ryan Nelsen during the NZ anthem. Real emotion.

Great quote from Ryan Nelsen on BBC Radio 5 live in the build-up to this one: "It will be an incredible upset if we win. We can't live in the clouds. It's a big event - for a little country like New Zealand we punch above our weight. On our good day and if they have a bad day, we can beat anyone."

The first shot on goal comes from the All Whites as Chris Killen bundles his way past a couple of challenges and loops a harmless 25-yard shot over Jan Mucha's crossbar.

That's a real chance that - for New Zealand. A free-kick is whipped in from their left and Chris Killen gets up well at the back post only to head straight at Jan Mucha from close range.

Slovakia get Marek Hamsik on the ball and he almost threads a pass through to Robert Vittek, but the striker cannot quite reach it in time. Be interesting to see what influence the much-talked-about Hamsik can have on this game.

It's pretty obvious what New Zealands's plan is - get the ball wide and get crosses into the box, and my word they've sent a few dangerous balls into that mixer already. Slovakia's defence, marshalled by Martin Skrtel, are so far keeping them out.

Maybe the World Cup isn't so easy to predict - it's all New Zealand in Rustenburg. Seriously, this is most unexpected.

It hasn't quite got going yet, this one - but New Zealand's defence does look a little shaky when Slovakia manage to venture forward. Two good catches for NZ keeper Mark Paston should do his confidence some good early on.

Stadiumcheck: There are plenty of empty seats in Rustenburg, which, again, is a real shame for a World Cup contest. I feel sorry for the players personally, in games which are the pinnacle of their careers.

Slovakia attack down their left and after the ball finds its way into the area for Marek Hamsik, the 22-year-old curls an ambitious right-foot shot a few yards wide of the far post. Clearly a confident boy.

Finally, an injection of quality - and it comes from Slovakia's Vladimir Weiss. He plays a couple of nice one-twos as he bursts forward to the edge of the NZ box and after slipping in Stanislav Sestak, the striker fires narrowly wide.

If you fancy livening up proceedings from Rustenburg, you could always listen to Radio 1 DJ Chris Moyles' commentary on events from the Royal Bafokeng Stadium. Chris Killen shoots harmlessly wide from 30 yards, nothing doing at all.

NZ keeper Mark Paston has a shocker there, completely mis-kicking a left-footed clearance - but Robert Vittek cannot capitalise and after the All Whites concede a corner, the danger is cleared.

Robert Vittek only has one thing on his mind when he gets into the final third - to shoot. He lets fly from 25 yards with his left foot, but it's comfortably wide again of Mark Paston's left-hand post. "Should be hitting the target from there," says BBC pundit Martin Keown.

Top-class save, but the ref didn't see it. Rory Fallon flicks a ball through to Shane Smeltz on the left-hand side of the area and his well-struck left-foot effort is tipped away brilliantly by Jan Mucha. Goalkick given.

Back under way in Rustenburg as New Zealand take on Slovakia in Group F.

Slovakia's Vladimir Weiss has probably been their best player so far, but he's struggling to create things on his own - they need a performance from Marek Hamsik here and they aren't getting one right now.

Replays show that Robert Vittek might well have been a fraction offside when that ball came in from the right, but it's too late now. What have New Zealand got to come back with?

Good pace and directness from Vladimir Weiss, who remains Slovakia's most potent creative threat - he sprints past one challenge down the right, but Tommy Smith does well to get back in and Mark Paston races off his line to gather.

New Zealand are dominating possession, but they aren't exactly bombarding the Slovakian defence right now. The Slovaks look dangerous on the break. Interesting.

Stanislav Sestak does really well to control a high ball on the edge of the New Zealand box and after holding it up he tees up Marek Hamsik 20 yards out, only for the skipper to lean back and sky his shot miles over. Woeful.

Breaking news: Ivory Coast striker Didier Drogba is named on the bench for their Group G contest against Portugal, which starts at 1500 BST.

Good break from the Slovakians but they almost try to walk the ball in and from Stanislav Sestak's low ball into the box, Winston Reid does really well to slide in and avert the danger. Top defending.

Slovakia do look comfortable, but 1-0 is a very slender lead to look comfortable on. Stanislav Sestak has had a pretty decent game for the Slovaks, but he takes a touch too long to get a shot in and the All Whites get the ball clear.

Rory Fallon tries his luck from 22 yards, but the ball balloons comfortably over Jan Mucha's crossbar. Ricki Herbert's team are running out of time in Rustenburg.

That might be New Zealand's last chance. Tony Lochhead fires over a great cross from their left, but Shane Smeltz gets his header all wrong from eight yards and it flies well wide.