'You wait for the key in the door'

By Elsie Manning
Mother of Staff Sgt Sharron Elliott, who was killed in Iraq

Staff Sgt Elliott was the second servicewoman to be killed in Iraq

Staff Sgt Sharron Elliott was killed in an attack on a patrol boat in southern Iraq in November 2006.

In the run up to Remembrance Day 2009, her mother, Elsie Manning, from South Shields, describes the total loss and isolation she felt upon getting "that knock on the door".

My daughter Sharron served in the army for 16 years.

She joined up because there wasn't anything to challenge her in "civvy street" and she trained to be an aicraft technician.

When she had achieved her goal in the Royal Electrical and Mechanical Engineers she needed another challenge, so she joined the Army's Intelligence Corps.

Sharron had been all over the world in her job but when she was posted to Iraq it was the first time she told me she was scared.

It worried me, as I'd never heard her say that. Sharron was a very strong character - not afraid of anyone or anything and always very confident.

Black hole

When you get that knock on the door your whole world changes - a big black hole opens up that never closes.

I think, in my mind, I was hoping that if I didn't know it then it wasn't true, and Sharron would come home again Elsie Manning

You know why the person is standing there, but can't comprehend what he is saying.

All I could think of was that he had the wrong house, because you never think these things will happen to your children.

The next stage was to inform everyone. First Sharron's siblings, who were all over the world too. Then the extended family and friends.

I don't remember everything about it even to this day - nearly three years later.

My way of coping was to close myself off from all of the facts about her death.

I think, in my mind, I was hoping that if I didn't know it then it wasn't true, and she would come home again.

Pick up the phone

I have been lucky as I've had - and still have - a lot of support, with my children and my husband, and Sharron's units. I've got some really good friends too.

Sharron's funeral was held in South Shields

I think the key with the after care is for people not to close us off. We are not the enemy.

Don't expect us to pick up the phone because it won't happen.

But for families to pick up the phone and call us just once a month is a great healer. Just to know someone is out there and cares.

I started a daily diary and wrote down everything that was said and what had happened; who had visited or rung.

Total loss

To lose someone close to you in this way is crushing.

A military death is different in a way. To the public it is a soldier, whether it's a man or a woman, but to us they are our sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, wives, husbands - family.

There's a void that will never be filled. I miss her so much. She was my baby, my daughter, my friend, as well as a soldier Elsie Manning

I believe only people from military backgrounds can understand.

It's a feeling of total loss and isolation. You lose your confidence and stop eating.

You wait for the key in the door, to find out that it's all been a big mistake.

The nights are the worst - you can't sleep, afraid to close your eyes. Your mind goes over and over it all.

I kept having the same dream that I couldn't get Sharron out of the boat. I was with her. You see, when your child falls you are there for them, but so far away you are not.

Stuck in grief

Cruse [a bereavement care organisation] visited me once but couldn't talk about it. Then I had a welfare officer come each month, until I was told I was stuck in my grief.

What a load of tosh, obviously they'd never been in this position themselves.

Then you have the siblings, who are mostly forgotten but are still suffering. They need help too.

The end of combat operations in Iraq was marked in October 2009

We have been lucky as the two units Sharron was in have always been there for me and my family, but others are not so lucky.

At the end of all this, we, as military families, need people who can understand. Cruse, if they get it right, will be fine. Let's hope it works.

My biggest help came from the Military Families Support Group, as I could speak to people in my situation and nobody minded if you went on too much.

As for my Sharron, there's a void that will never be filled. I miss her so much.

She was my baby, my daughter, my friend, as well as a soldier.

On her headstone the words: To the world she was a soldier, to us she was the world.