Arthur Smith's London

Follow in the footsteps of the Balham-loving comedian and writer as he reveals the best and worst of city life.

Arthur grew up around the bombsites of Bermondsey

What's your favourite neighbourhood?

With its broad boulevards and pulsating night life, Balham is like a cross between Paris, Rio de Janeiro and east Croydon. I've got to say Balham. I'm the Mayor of Balham. It's the only place in Britain with its own catchphrase: gateway to the south.

In north London they have those blue plaques telling you where famous people lived. In south London we have big yellow signs saying, did you see this murder? Arthur Smith on the north/south divide

Your favourite building?

Tower Bridge. When I was a kid growing up in Bermondsey, that represented the edge of the world and the start of everything new, so it's got to be Tower Bridge.

Most hated building?

I think I'd go for north London in general. Basically, I hate all the buildings say, north of St John's Wood. There's a gag I like: in north London they have those blue plaques telling you where famous people lived. In south London we have big yellow signs saying, did you see this murder?

Best view in London?

From the top of the hill in Greenwich Park with Canary Wharf and all the rest of it. I used to come here as a schoolboy and I still do. It really is one of the great south London views.

Canary Wharf and Docklands seen from Greenwich Park is "one of the great south London views", says Arthur

Favourite open space?

Probably Greenwich Park again, since I'm here. I love all its nooks and crannies - if one can say that of a park. Yes. Other than that I'd say Wandsworth Common.

Most interesting shop?

My favourite would be the Cancer Relief charity shop in Balham. More and more I'm turning into my father and hanging around charity shops. It was his greatest pleasure in life getting something far cheaper than elsewhere.

Favourite pub, bar or restaurant?

I'm not much of a drinking man anymore but I'm going to go for the Duke of Wellington, not far from here in Crawford Street W1, where my nephew is the chef and he's very good, too.

I had a book launch there a while ago and he did these experimental canapes that made Heston Blumenthal look like a stick-in-the-mud. There was one that looked like a Turkish Delight only it was blue, and it was a tomato.

Most memorable night out?

I'll tell you one and it's to do with a bet I had with the comedian Tony Hawks, who had a book out called Playing the Moldovans at Tennis. I bet him he couldn't beat the Moldovan football team at tennis, and the loser had to take their clothes off and sing the Moldovan anthem outside Woolworths in Balham.

I'm afraid to say it was me who... well, it was a cold night in March, let's put it this way, ladies.

How would you spend your ideal day off in London?

No working or writing? Then I'm having a lie-in with Julie Christie all day, popping out later for a walk on Wandsworth Common. She can come with me if she's not too tired, I don't mind.

St Paul's would be a key landmark on a London walk with visitors

Where would you take a visitor to London?

This is a bit predictable but I'd take them on a walk, to Charing Cross station, down Villiers Street and over to the correct side of London. It's a beautiful walk, you get to see St Paul's, the Eye, and maybe we'll stop at Southwark Cathedral and look at the statue of Shakespeare in there.

The worst journey you've had to make in London?

Going up Leytonstone High Road when I was in this band going to gigs. I just remember being stuck there for hours and hours in the van, wedged between speakers and equipment.

And there's St John's Hill in Wandsworth. There's terrible traffic there. In fact a friend of mine said that's why the Cold War ended: the tanks would never be able to make their way up St John's Hill.

Your personal London landmark?

I'd say the statue of Emperor Haile Selassie in Cannizaro Park, Wimbledon. Partly because as a kid, my father met Haile Selassie - yes, he did - and was therefore highly respected by the Rasta boys.

Elementary, of course: Sherlock Holmes is Arthur's favourite fictional Londoner

Your favourite fictional Londoner?

I'll pick... tell you what since we're here in Marylebone High Street. I met a couple of gay Frenchmen in Baker Street who were obvious Sherlock Holmesians. They'd come from Paris and made me laugh with their deerstalkers, so I'll pick Sherlock Holmes because of them.

Favourite London film, book or documentary?

I'm sure you've heard this a lot, but there's something about that Bob Hoskins film The Long Good Friday that's quintessentially London. I haven't seen it in years but parts of it still play in my mind, like the scene near the end where he's going off in the car, knowing he's going to be killed, and there's all this moody saxophone music playing on the soundtrack.

Which time period in London, past or future, would you like to go to?

I wanted to go back to the 1600s but I'd be worried I'd get the plague. So I want to go forward in time, to 2029 - which is how much I paid for these shoes - but who the hell knows what'll be going on?

We may well not exist. There may be nothing around - apart from Tower Bridge, that'll still be there.

Arthur Smith's My Name is Daphne Fairfax: A Memoir is out now, published by Hutchinson.