Stephen Morris reviews four-piece Dancing Through Monday

By Stephen Morris
Website contributor

The band describe their sound as alternative / punk / rock on MySpace

Here's a frightening prospect, imagine "Nuts: The musical".

In a world where the life of Anna Nicole Smith has just been turned into an opera, such a theatrical spectacle is not beyond the bounds of extreme probability.

Should the young gentlemen's weekly publication in question ever take the form of musical theatre, you can probably guess on the content.

And if you can't, then your mind is much purer than mine and I commend you for it.

But who would write the songs for such a West End hit as this would inevitably be?

Maybe once they've discovered that the quantity of most women's brain cells exceed their bra size, the band will be able to develop as songsmiths. Stephen Morris

Would Andrew Lloyd Webber consider producing "Aspects of Lust"? Or perhaps the songs of ABBA could be pressed into service under the title of "Mammary Mia".

Alternatively, we could ask Gloucestershire band Dancing Through Monday to provide the libretto and score. Yes. That could work. Couldn't it?

The message of Dancing Through Monday's songs is as see through as the underwear they fantasise about.

Witness such poetic lines as "I picture you in the shower" and "You make my pants drop" (Video Girl) or "I'm not mad when my friends call her a whore" (Girl Next Door). Classy.

There are attempts to appear sensitive littered throughout Dancing Through Monday's output.

Never Happy Ending is all about an unobtainable "fairytale" girl.

The lyrics are full of grand gestures: "I told you I'd be all that you need/I will come in on my noble steed".

Whether the object of his affections is really in need of rescuing isn't mentioned.

'Huge head'

Meanwhile, Stars is addressed to an unfortunate loved one lying in a hospital bed.

Unfortunate, I suspect, not because of the nature of her state of health, but more because of the self centred company she is forced to keep: "And as I leave, I will kiss your head/'Cos leaving you is the hardest thing for you".

Yes, I imagine that would be the most difficult thing for me to deal with if I was in a hospital at death's door: the forthcoming departure of the most conceited person on the planet.

I think my only concern would be that the door frame was wide enough for him to get his huge head through.

Stars ends with the sound of a life support machine signalling the death of said loved one. Tasteful.

'Punk sound'

But, for the most part, attempts (such as they are) at sensitivity are put aside in favour of go-on-my-son machismo.

Presents All Round, for example features the lines: "Now all I need is you/I really want you in your big red suit."

Which can mean only one of two things: either this is an attempt to seduce Santa Claus (plain, plain wrong), or our festive hero is suggesting the love of his life is so fat she could only ever fit into a red suit of the extra large variety. Which would probably ruin the mood somewhat.

The lyrics of all the above are sung (I use the term loosely) over a thrash US punk sound with snippets of tune begged, borrowed or more likely stolen from The Buggles' Video Killed the Radio Star (see Video Girl) and Summer of '69 (see Girl Next Door).

'Patronising chauvinism'

Some musicians freely admit to joining a band principally to pick up girls.

This, I suspect, is the intention behind most members of Dancing Through Monday.

So it might be slightly counter intuitive to serenade their ideal women with songs that flit between patronising chauvinism and the running commentary of a wet dream.

Let's just hope the members of Dancing Through Monday all get their first girlfriends soon.

Maybe once they've discovered that the quantity of most women's brain cells exceed their bra size, the band will be able to develop as songsmiths.

Maybe. But I won't hold my breath.