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  Major Liability reports from the frontline
Updated 20 March 2003, 10.37

The Major reports from the war zone in Ruritania.

[A] Hi, I am Major Liability. I've been in the Liliput special forces for twenty years, but I never saw a scrap like this before.

This morning I saw a convoy moving up to the front to make a surprise attack.

There were 112 destroyer tanks and about 1200 infantry. They had blacked out faces and night vision glasses so it looks like the attack will be at night.

[B] I also saw some troops coming back from the front, they were in a right mess. Lots of dead and wounded. They were from the 110 light regiment, so if you've got family in that regiment there could be some bad news coming to your home soon.

[C] The troops who were still in a state to say anything told me how angry they were with our government. They said a load of stuff about the mistakes the government had made, but I won't repeat what they said because that might change the way you vote and I reckon you should back up our Prime Minister in a time of war.

[D] Also I met this bloke and he'd been talking to another guy who said that there's a rumour going round that the enemy troops have massacred a whole school full of kids - apparently they just shot all the pupils for target practice. Really.

[E] The more I hear about the way these Ruritanians behave the more I think they deserve everything they get. They are a bunch of scumbags, worse than animals.

[F] I've got a note here from the Ministry of Warfare - they have asked me to remind you all that our troops use a special kind of bullet that only hurts soldiers. No civilians have been shot by our forces, because our bullets don't work on them. Seems a bit unlikely but if the Ministry say so then it must be true.

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