WORLD WEDDINGS Unorthodox Vows Tx Date: 13th September 2005 This script was made from audio tape – any inaccuracies are due to voices being unclear or inaudible 10.00.00 World Weddings Theme Music 10.00.05 Title Page WORLD WEDDINGS 10.00.11 Music 10.00.14 Narrator It looks like a typical Jewish wedding. 10.00.17 Music 10.00.21 Narrator But in Israel even love and marriage are controversial. 10.00.24 Music 10.00.32 Narrator Because despite their solemn vows this couple are not legally married. 10.00.38 Guest May I be the first to kiss Mrs… 10.00.40 Music 10.00.41 Narrator And this wedding could split a family for ever. 10.00.44 Music 10.00.46 Title Page Unorthodox Vows 10.00.52 Eli The second I saw Irit, the second I saw her I just knew inside, I know how that she’ll be my wife. 10.01.04 Irit He was my biggest challenge to make him move his hands, not to think cripple like but turning it into love it wasn’t, it wasn’t even a question. And, and, and suddenly it happened. 10.01.22 Narrator Four years ago Eli’s right arm was paralysed following a motorcycle accident. He came to Irit for acupuncture. 10.01.29 Irit You’re being dramatic, aren’t you? 10.01.31 Eli Subtitle That really hurts. Stop. Don’t touch. 10.01.33 Irit Subtitle I’ll take it out, then. Eli Subtitle No. 10.01.35 Irit Usually before we, we separate like with all my patients we give a hug and then, then the patient walks away and he gave me a hug and the hug and the hug went to another thing. 10.01.53 Narrator Irit was worried that being a therapist she shouldn’t become involved with a patient. 10.01.59 Irit My mind just was screaming; no, no, it’s forbidden, you should not do that, stop, stop, stop and my heart was going, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. 10.02.16 Music 10.02.22 Narrator After three years together Eli and Irit have decided the times is right to get married. 10.02.27 Music 10.02.30 Narrator They live in Tel Aviv, Israel’s biggest city. It’s a modern Mediterranean metropolis. Founded just a hundred years ago, a magnet for the country’s youth. 10.02.39 Music 10.02.42 Narrator But when it comes to weddings there is nothing modern about Israel because everyone has to have a traditional orthodox Jewish wedding with all that that entails. 10.02.52 Music 10.02.53 Irit Buying the woman, not letting the woman talk in the ceremony, not even asking her to sign her own contract. 10.03.03 Eli That’s weird that in two thousand and five we still have to sign contracts that were written in, in fifteen hundred. 10.03.14 Irit We don’t like it, we don’t accept it. 10.03.16 Music 10.03.19 Narrator So Eli and Irit have opted for a different kind of Jewish wedding. They have come to a wedding fair at a Reform synagogue to meet the Rabbi who is going to marry them. 10.03.28 Music 10.03.32 Rabbi Subtitles We offer you a proper Jewish ceremony that includes all the ceremonial components. There is nothing that the Orthodox Rabbi says in the ceremony that our Rabbis don’t say in one way or another. 10.03.44 Rabbi Subtitles So how was the meeting with the parents? 10.03.50 Irit Subtitle They still don’t accept it. 10.03.53 Narrator But there’s a problem. Reform weddings aren’t recognised by the state. In Israel you can’t even have a civil wedding. 10.04.00 Narrator And because they are strict Orthodox Jews, Eli’s parents won’t recognise the Reform wedding either. 10.04.07 Irit The orthodox treat the Reform way as criminals, as, as a crime. 10.04.14 Eli Like Christians. 10.04.17 Irit We’re actually making a crime here and we’re asking them to participate. 10.04.22 Music 10.04.25 Eli Look at it. 10.04.26 Music 10.04.39 Eli This is my street, my kineset. I used to live here for twenty, twenty years. I used to live with my parents here. 10.04.47 Music 10.04.52 Eli My family is religious, my father writes the Torah. 10.04.57 Narrator Eli grew up studying religious scripture and until the age of fifteen wore the Jewish skull cap or Kippah. 10.05.05 Eli When I decided to take the Kippah off all hell broke loose. My father threw me away from home for, like two months and I used to live outside and then and all this stuff. It was my beliefs and I didn’t want to, to compromise. And then I got back because my mother couldn’t bear it and then my father didn’t talk to me for eight years. 10.05.39 Music 10.05.42 Narrator Orthodox Jews like Eli’s father make up just twenty percent of the population. 10.05.47 Music 10.05.49 Narrator Their power base is in Jerusalem. And from the country’s early days Orthodox Rabbis have had great influence on Israeli life and politics. Including ultimate authority over marriages. 10.06.03 Irit Today Israel still don’t know what position does she want to give religion in, inside it. There is this huge question; what are we, a religion or a nation? And really what’s a Jew and these are good questions but to force other people to go in religious way as a democratic state should give the options. 10.06.43 Narrator Eli and Irit are delivering the wedding invitations by hand, an Israeli tradition. They’re taking one to Irit’s grandmother who lives on a kibbutz. 10.06.53 Music 10.06.56 Irit The kibbutz is a communal way of living that used to be my home up until I was eight and a half. 10.07.05 Music 10.07.08 Irit Still I regard it kind of as my home because that’s the feeling I have every time I go there. 10.07.14 Music 10.07.22 Narrator The Jews of the kibbutz represent a very different tradition from the Orthodox. They were a major influence from the earliest days of the state of Israel. Most of them believed in a completely non-religious lifestyle. 10.07.35 Music 10.07.39 Irit The kibbutz way of raising the children was with a commune house. I didn’t actually live with my parents, I, I went there from four o’clock to eight o’clock in the evening every day. It’s a socialist way of life. 10.07.57 Irit This is where my brother studied and lived. All the corridor over here are the commune rooms. Inside there is the classroom and the dining room. 10.08.07 Irit Shalom! 10.08.11 Irit I loved it. I loved living in a children’s house because you know all the children were so nice and I was a very friendly girl. 10.08.24 Irit I kind of fitted into it. 10.08.29 Narrator Irit’s grandmother arrived in Israel from Bulgaria in nineteen forty-eight just after the State was founded. 10.08.37 Irit Subtitles Do you think we should have an Orthodox wedding? 10.08.41 Grandmother Subtitles I don’t want to take sides. But would a Reform wedding be recognised? 10.08.48 Irit Subtitle No way. 10.08.50 Grandmother Subtitles No? Then you’ll have to do it again? 10.08.53 Irit Subtitle Yes. 10.08.54 Grandmother Subtitle You’ll have another wedding? 10.08.55 Irit Subtitles Yes. Either a civil wedding, which takes place abroad, or an Orthodox wedding. 10.09.04 Narrator Because their Reform wedding has no legal status Eli and Irit are currently planning to go abroad for a civil ceremony to make their marriage legal. The simpler option of taking the Orthodox vows in Israel is out of the question. 10.09.20 Eli Subtitles Nobody will force me to participate in an Orthodox ceremony, because I detest their methods. They’re a bunch of crooks. They’re corrupt. 10.09.32 Grandmother Subtitle Don’t bad mouth them. Stop! 10.09.34 Eli Subtitles I don’t believe in God in the way they do. They believe in a God that intimidates. They just want to take us back to the Stone Age, and they’re gaining power every day. 10.09.46 Grandmother Subtitles It’s not like that. It’s not that they want to go backwards. They just think that if it has protected us for so many generations, then it will protect us in the future. And if, God forbid, something happens to the State of Israel, then Judaism will live on for eternity. 10.10.06 Music 10.10.13 Narrator Eli is choosing a wedding outfit. But carrying on with their preparations is proving difficult while they still don’t know if Eli’s family will come to the wedding. Eli decides to visit his mother to see if they have made a decision. 10.10.26 Music 10.10.33 Narrator Like hundreds of thousands of Jews from around the world, Eli’s parents emigrated to the new State of Israel in the early nineteen fifties. They came from Morocco and their first language is French. 10.10.46 Eli’s mother Subtitles This is the fish. For the sauce, hot red peppers and garlic. This is tripe, which I’ve chopped, with mushrooms. We’re religious…so we don’t cook on Saturday. I prepare everything on Friday. 10.11.13 Narrator One of six children, Eli always stood out. 10.11.20 Eli’s mother Subtitles He was a cute boy, but always up to something. 10.11.36 Eli’s mother Subtitles Always a bit contrary. We don’t accept what he’s doing now, but we’ll live with it. I am softer, my husband is a bit more strict on this issue. 10.11.53 Narrator Eli’s father recently brought round a Rabbi to try to persuade them to have an Orthodox wedding. 10.12.00 Eli Subtitles Maybe I didn’t tell you, Mum, but Irit cried for two days after that. I said to myself, “This is my wife.” My heart follows her. 10.12.12 Eli’s mother Subtitles We’re not going to kill her. I explained everything to her nicely. 10.12.16 Eli Subtitles No, of course not, but she was very upset. She was distraught, and it hurt me, Mum, it hurt me. 10.12.22 Eli’s mother Subtitles I don’t understand why she was so upset. 10.12.25 Eli Subtitle What do you mean? Eli’s mother Subtitles That’s just how she is. She could have gone ahead with it for our sake so we could be part of the happy event. 10.12.32 Eli Subtitles She was willing, but in the end it upset her too much. 10.12.35 Eli’s mother Subtitles She thought that the Orthodox Rabbis were going to strangle her. 10.12.42 Eli’s mother Subtitles Look, he grew up in a traditional religious household. That’s why we’re surprised that he couldn’t convince her to do the right thing. I’m not asking him to observe the Sabbath or keep the traditions. But at least get married the right way. 10.13.05 Narrator But despite her objections, Eli’s mother is keen to be involved if she can. 10.13.10 Eli’s mother Subtitles We asked Rabbis, and they said we shouldn’t cause a rift in the family. So we won’t attend the ceremony, but we will be at the party. We’ll be at the party. 10.13.26 Narrator It’s something of a breakthrough, it seems that Eli’s parents will at least come to the reception even if they won’t attend the Reform ceremony. 10.13.40 Narrator But the good news is short-lived. The next day Eli receives a phone call. His father has consulted with another set of Rabbis and is now refusing even to meet Irit’s parents if the Reform wedding goes ahead. 10.13.58 Eli There is a meeting with the parents; meet the parents and he refuses to come and to meet the parents which is quite idiotic. If he will come to the wedding without knowing the, the, the, the bride’s mother or the bride’s father. So and then I realised that he was not going to come at all to the wedding. 10.14.26 Eli He has his own Rabbis, his own, so he asked them and they told him that, no, no, no, you are the head of the family, you are not allowed to go anywhere that is concerned with this wedding. 10.14.43 Irit So I found out there is something that is called convenience, convenience Rabbi. You can call as many Rabbis as possible and then the Rabbi that will give you the answer that you wanted, this is the Rabbi that you’re going to, to, to listen to. 10.14.58 Eli So, thank you and have a nice day. 10.15.02 Music 10.15.08 Narrator The Jewish festival of Purim; celebrating the biblical heroin Esther. In Tel Aviv it’s like Mardi Gras, partygoers even taking the opportunity to mock their Orthodox countrymen. 10.15.20 Music 10.15.22 Eli Subtitles Happy Purim! Happy Purim! 10.15.26 Narrator But Eli doesn’t get a holiday; he’s got a job to do and is leaving Tel Aviv with two colleagues. 10.15.32 Eli singing 10.15.35 Narrator Even though they have to pass through an armed checkpoint, Eli doesn’t seem entirely clear where he’s heading. 10.15.42 Woman Eli, does this mean we’re now in the West Bank. 10.15.45 Eli No, we’re not in the West Bank. 10.15.46 Woman Where are we? 10.15.48 Eli Somewhere. Occupied territories. 10.15.51 Friend Subtitle We are in the West Bank. 10.15.53 Eli Subtitle We’re in the West Bank? 10.15.54 Friend Yeah, absolutely. 10.15.56 Eli Well, I didn’t know that. 10.15.59 Friend This is scary. 10.16.01 Eli Yeah, it is scary. 10.16.03 Eli Subtitles Irit would die if she knew how far we’re going into the West Bank. 10.16.11 Narrator The Occupied West Bank is land that was seized from the Palestinians in nineteen sixty-seven. A quarter of a million Jewish settlers now live here, heavily guarded by the Israeli Army. 10.16.23 Music 10.16.33 Narrator Eli is studying to be a medical clown, using laughter as communication therapy for sick children in hospitals. 10.16.39 Music 10.16.45 Narrator Eli and his friends are being paid to entertain the crowds at the Purim Festival in Karnet Shamron, a settlement of six and a half thousand people, fifteen miles inside the Occupied Territories. 10.16.56 Music 10.16.59 Narrator The Purim Festival is very different in the West Bank. 10.17.01 Music 10.17.07 Narrator These children are dressed up as the rockets fired by the Palestinians at the Gaza settlements. 10.17.12 Music 10.17.13 Man Subtitles We are the Kassam rockets that fall on Gaza. 10.17.17 Music 10.17.20 Narrator This year’s Purim Festival is not just a celebration; it’s being used as a protest by some of the settlers. They are furious about Israeli government plans to evict the settlers from the Gaza Strip. 10.17.34 Protestors Subtitle Hands off Gaza 10.17.36 Music 10.17.47 Narrator The whole experience has been more than Eli bargained for and Irit is unhappy about Eli putting himself in danger. 10.17.53 Music 10.17.56 Irit I was really frightened. I was, I think I got angry with these children that they made him go there. 10.18.06 Eli But they are children for Christ’s sake. 10.18.07 Irit I know but you saw, you saw what happened, what you had to go through to get there. 10.18.13 Music 10.18.16 Irit I think these children can live in happiness inside the, the borders of Israel. 10.18.26 Music 10.18.34 Narrator Irit is coming to deliver wedding invitations to her father. Now divorced from Irit’s mother he lives outside Tel Aviv with his new family and Irit’s grandmother. 10.18.45 Music 10.18.47 Narrator Despite his non-religious background, Billy is concerned about his daughter’s opposition to the Orthodox wedding. 10.18.56 Billy Subtitles We were always secular. Kibbutz education is totally secular, totally anti-religion. I didn’t have a Rabbi at my wedding. But to avoid problems in the future, we did have the Orthodox ceremony a few days before. 10.19.22 Billy Subtitles I’ve asked Eli to do a favour for his father, his family, to do it Orthodox. Let’s do it and finish it. Because what could be in the future, with the relationship between him and his father. The father could take revenge that he refused to do it with an Orthodox Rabbi. 10.19.39 Irit Subtitles Dad, what do you mean? You said that Eli’s father could take revenge? 10.19.49 Billy Subtitles There could be bad feeling. I’m not saying it’s going to happen, but now he’s upset. He’s saying “My son is marrying a secular girl without carrying on the Jewish tradition.” And he might say, “Eli, you’re not one of us, you’ve betrayed us.” 10.20.08 Narrator Everyone seems to be saying they should have the Orthodox wedding. It’s one of the toughest decisions Eli has had to make. But he has swallowed his pride. They have decided after all that they will have an Orthodox ceremony. But in return they want Eli’s father to come to their Reform wedding. 10.20.32 Music 10.20.34 Narrator Eli doesn’t want to wait by the phone for his father’s response so they decide to escape Tel Aviv and go scuba diving. 10.20.41 Music 10.20.43 Narrator They head south to Elat, on Israel’s tiny wedge of the Red Sea coast. 10.20.48 Music 10.20.51 Narrator With only two weeks to go before the big day the pressure is building. 10.20.55 Music 10.21.06 Narrator Irit has had problems finding a wet suit to fit so she has had one made to measure. 10.21.12 Irit My diving suit. 10.21.14 Narrator It’s a wedding gift from Eli. 10.21.16 Irit Wait till you see that on me. 10.21.19 Eli Subtitles Stop it. Is this the way you treat your new suit? 10.21.29 Narrator The wet suit fits perfectly. 10.21.37 Music 10.22.17 Narrator Back on dry land Eli gets the call he’s been waiting for. It’s his father. He has agreed to attend the Orthodox ceremony but he has refused the other side of the deal and still won’t come to the Reform wedding. 10.22.33 Eli My father told me that he would come only to the ravanite and I thought of cancelling everything. 10.22.40 Irit We thought it would be best that everyone would go bit, bit towards each other and then their part was not really respected. 10.22.51 Eli I’m not comfortable that I’m going to marry, get married in the Orthodox way but you know what, after we get married in the Reform way and we have, we’ll be, we’ll be wedded, we’ll be married couple then nothing we do is, is, can break it. 10.23.13 Music 10.23.18 Narrator The wedding rollercoaster is now unstoppable. Family or no family there are preparations to be made. 10.23.24 Music 10.23.31 Eli Get off! 10.23.32 Music 10.23.35 Narrator Eli and Irit have written their own wedding contract which in the Reform ceremony they both sign. 10.23.41 Music 10.23.49 Narrator And it’s time for a final visit to the Reform Rabbi who is going to marry them. 10.23.54 Music 10.23.57 Narrator Eli is concerned that his father is putting pressure on the rest of his family to boycott the Reform ceremony. 10.24.03 Eli Subtitles He can’t force the family not to come, but that doesn’t mean he can’t terrorise them! The whole family has fallen in line behind my parents. I can understand it. They don’t have to take my side. So what if I am their brother? The parents are more important to them. 10.24.22 Rabbi Subtitles So which of your brothers or sisters are coming? 10.24.25 Eli Subtitle None of them. 10.24.26 Rabbi Subtitles We’ll know on the day of the wedding. I think there’s a good chance they’ll come. Tell your brothers and sisters to defy the ban and come to the wedding. 10.24.36 Eli Subtitles I can’t talk to them. It’s gone too far now. They’ve given him their word. They’re all standing behind him. 10.24.49 Music 10.24.50 Narrator It’s the day of the wedding. 10.24.51 Music 10.25.14 Narrator Outside Israel Reform Judaism is the largest Jewish grouping. In Britain or America Eli and Irit’s wedding would be legally recognised, inside Israel it has no formal status at all. 10.25.26 Music 10.25.31 Narrator Irit’s family begin to arrive. 10.25.32 Music 10.25.36 Narrator No one knows if Eli’s family are coming. 10.25.38 Music 10.25.42 Narrator Suddenly Eli spots one of his brothers in the crowd. 10.25.45 Music 10.25.51 Narrator Then one of his sisters. 10.25.52 Music 10.25.58 Narrator And finally; Eli’s mother. 10.26.00 Music 10.26.03 Narrator All of Eli’s family have turned up apart from his father. 10.26.07 Music 10.26.09 Rabbi Subtitles What about his parents, what did they say? 10.26.15 Irit Subtitles One of his brothers, who’s come from the US, says they’re doing everything to persuade the father to come. 10.26.21 Music 10.26.27 Irit Let’s get married! 10.26.34 Narrator At the last minute two of Eli’s brothers have even agreed to take part in the ceremony and stand with him under the canopy. 10.26.41 Music 10.26.45 Narrator But his father is nowhere to be seen. 10.26.48 Music 10.27.02 Eli Subtitles Today we are starting a magical journey, hand in hand together. And the future looks brighter than ever. 10.27.08 Applause 10.27.13 Irit Subtitles My beloved, you are a wonderful man. I love you. 10.27.20 Applause/Music 10.27.39 Irit I will always remember it as the most remarkable, miraculous, magical journey I’ve ever had. It just, just proves that there is magic and there are miracles and love wins everything and no-one, don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise. 10.27.58 Music 10.28.00 Graphic Two months later, to fulfil their commitment to Eli’s parents, Eli and Irit had an orthodox wedding. Even so, Eli’s father refused to read the traditional blessing. 10.28.10 End Music Credits 10.28.11 Narrator MELISSA BERRY Filmed by ELIZABETH C. JONES Dubbing Mixer SCOTT MARSHALL Colourist ROD HUTSON On-line Editor GRAHAM TAYLOR Title Graphics WHY NOT ASSOCIATES Production Team MARTHA O’SULLIVAN LADONNA HALL Production Manager JANE WILLEY Unit Manager SUSAN CRIGHTON Consultant MAGDA TETER Research Israel KARIN NEUMANN 10.28.33 Directed & Edited by SUSAN BRAND 10.28.36 Executive Producer KAREN O’CONNOR Series Producer SAM BAGNALL BBC www.bbc.co.uk/thisworld © BBC MMV 10.28.41 End BBC World Weddings: Unorthodox Vows 1 1