How to help an alcoholic

Former Lib Dem leader Charles Kennedy and his close confidantes wrestled long and hard with whether to go public about his drink problem, according to a new book. But is there a correct way to help an alcoholic?

At what point does having a drink become a drink problem, and when do you tackle the person about it?

Accusations in a new book that Liberal Democrats MPs knew of former leader Charles Kennedy's drink problem for years have resulted in the party being accused of conspiring to cover it up.

The book claims Mr Kennedy already had a serious drink problem when he became party leader in 1999, but only publicly admitted it in January this year.

"It was very difficult... Of course, with hindsight, one can see it was a serious problem for a long period but it wasn't evident in the same way at the time," says Lib Dem MP Matthew Taylor, who was Mr Kennedy's leadership campaign manager in 1999.

Supportive atmosphere

But what should the Lib Dems have done? The case echoes a dilemma that will be familiar to many in the workplace and in homes across the UK. How do you handle someone with a drink problem and what advice, if any, should be given to them?

The party took a sensitive approach and says it "quite properly" sought to protect Mr Kennedy's privacy. Going in all guns blazing would have been destructive, instead they tried to create a constructive atmosphere for Mr Kennedy to open up about the problem, says Andrew McNeill, director of Institute of Alcohol Studies.

"But you have to you get the balance right between being supportive and colluding.

"Covering up for someone is not a help, a conspiracy of silence does no one any good. In many cases the people working or living with an alcoholic try to help for years and just end up enabling them to drink."

There is a very fine line between helping and making the problem worse, says Maureen Smith, whose 37-year-old son is a recovering alcoholic.

"You try to help them and protect them by giving emotional security, you feed them and clothe them," she says. "But often you create an environment where the only thing they have to worry about is alcohol.

"If people are doing the same for them at work, often they will be able to function in a relatively normal way despite still drinking heavily."

Rock bottom

Trying to help is also made harder by the fact that a drink problem takes many forms, some more severe than others. In Mr Kennedy case he was functioning normally much of the time. This would have made it easier for him to have assured his Lib Dem colleagues that he was tackling the problem.

"Alcoholics can be very remorseful, they can go through long periods of not drinking," says former alcoholic Samuel Williams, 38.

"For those trying to help them it can be easy to accept their excuses when they fall off the wagon yet again. In Mr Kennedy's case it would have taken a strong person to question him and out him in public."

What's best is to agree on what is acceptable behaviour from the person with the problem so if that line is crossed everyone knows where they stand, says Mr McNeill. Formal policies on drinking alcohol in the workplace do just that but at home it can mean walking away.

"In the end I had to walk away from my son, then stand back and watch him sink further into alcoholism," says Mrs Smith. "It was the hardest thing I have had to do, but it was only when he hit rock bottom that he decided he needed help."

And that is the crux of helping anyone with a drink problem, says Mr Williams.

"The drinker has to take responsibility for themselves and want to get help. Despite what some people think stopping doesn't come down to willpower - alcoholism is an addiction and there is no reasoning with an addiction.

"I, and many others, would be over the moon if there was a fool-proof way to get people to admit their problem and then work through it. There isn't.

"That isn't very encouraging for those dealing with an alcoholic but it doesn't mean they should stop trying. Often it is only with the help of others that someone can face up to what they are doing."

I know that I have a drinking problem, though have not looked for help. I like to convince myself that I can handle it but when I'm sober I know I can't. I've drunk nothing for three days now and am trying to last a week, but experience tells me I probably won't. I know that I should seek help, but don't feel ready to at the moment. What I do know, is that the worst thing that people can do is mention it. My parents know I'm a heavy drinker and the worst thing they can do is mention it. All it does is make me defensive, depressed and I drink to console meself. It's a horrible situation.
Anon, Anon

Yes, but there are damned few services available for those who do need help. Most of the funding goes towards drug treatment, very little towards alcohol abuse. My ex-wife became alcohol dependent nearly 3 years ago, and despite constant attempts to get help and/or treatment, the waiting lists were over 8 months for an initial assessment. No wonder she has fallen through the net. We needed help, but 'care in the community' has failed us. The only other option is a 16-week private residential placement at over £1000 per week. Ludicrous!
David, Exeter

The term that is used to describe supporting and protecting someone with an alcohol problem is "enabling" and sadly many loving families and caring colleagues are guilty of it. Alcoholism, though very hard to deal with, is not a disease. This idea is what convinces many people with alcohol problems that they cannot help themselves. The best way to deal with it, and I speak as someone who has worked with these people, is to teach them to drink alcohol responsibly. Then all the glamour and mystique of being in the grip of something uncontrollable goes away.
tanya, UK

Having an alcoholic in the family is tough. Advising and aiding do little good unless that person wishes to change their lifestyle. As failed diplomacy leads to war, so the failure of loving and supporting families should resort to the equivalent. Tough Love. Stop supporting them, you will always be concerned and worried but without too much support, when life gets too tough, the person will realise they HAVE to change for their families as well as for themselves. Carson.
Carson, Cadiz, Spain

The Liberal Democrats were in an indiuous position vis-a-via Charles Kennedy's alcohol addiction. When they supported him they are are accused of "covering up". When they decide they cannot continue to do this and force him out of the leadership, they are accused of "betrayal". But what else could they have done?
Geoff Payne, London, England

I would welcome anything that will help alcoholics. Unfortunately any help will be too late for me who, at 27 will not have my father to give me away when I get married or be able to take my children to see their grandfather. No amount of begging or pleading with him to stop or cut down made a scrap of difference and it was almost as if he accepted the fact that alcohol would eventually kill him. Alcohol cost my father his marriage and ultimately cost him his life. If any help can be given so those in similar situations do not have to suffer the same heartache that I and many others have then at least it would be a small comfort.
Gemma, Keighley, Yorkshire

I admire Charles Kennedy for admitting his drink problem, i feel that once he addmitted it, the party should of got behind him and let him sort out his problem and leave the door open for him to return, the problem should be dropped and carry on, we the public don't need to know the inside story on it, he and his party are on the political stage and thats all we should know about, he has admitted it, now move on
Marcus Lilley , Marlborough UK

And the problem is getting steadily worse. It is time that we, as a society, accepted that alcohol is a drug - a drug that is becoming relatively cheaper and ever more freely available in so many shopping outlets. It has taken many years for the dangers associated with tobacco to be taken seriously. The sooner we start doing the same with alcohol - the better it will be for all of us.
Mary Harrington, Crosby, Liverpool, UK

Alcolholism has caused major problems in my life - very destructive prolems. My sister died in my arms in hospital in 1997 due to alcolhol abuse - she wouldn't accept help until it was too late. It also destroyed my relationship with my partner during 2000 - 2002. He just would not stop drinking until he got into so much debt that he had to curtail drinking. It seems that persons cannot accept help from those who love them - and boy oh boy does alcoholism hurt those that love them.
Rod, Porthleven

There is so much help advertised for nicotine addicts, but not for alcohol addicts. The stigma attached to being addicted to alcohol puts many off admitting a problem and seeking help.
M, Nottingham

In my opinion, it is of no use at all nagging an alcoholic, he will do something about it in his own way. It is a disease of the body , the mind and the spirit and is a killer, I joined aa 37 years ago and found a sober life style and their programme works if you want it to. Help is there for those who want it! Good luck to Charles!
alan, new forest

Drink problems are medical problems. Like other medical problems they should be treated with professionalism, empathy and understanding, predjudice should be avoided. Like all other chronic conditions social and psycological support is necessary for both patient and dependants. Respect all people; that's the only answer! Paul
Paul, London

My husband died from alcoholism at a young age, never acknowledging he had a problem. I have since worked with alcoholics and realise that I was enabling him by not going public, although i tried to get him help. The addict has to admit their problem and want to recover.
Kathy Heath, Crawley UK

We have someone at work with the very same problem. It affects us all because he is always off sick, and the MD just accepts that this person is just a sickly person. How can it be acceptable for an MD to allow a person to consume 2-3 pints during a lunchtime, and then come back to work. Once the MD has left, a can of stella arrives on the desk, and office drinking is full on. This person is often off sick after a night out, and it just gets washed under the carpet ! Its one rule for the Alcoholic and andother rule for everyone else. Alcoholism in the workplace affects everyone !
ML, Bristol England

Unfortunately it's rarely just a case of 'putting the drink down' for those unfortunate's attempting to stop abusing alcohol, in many cases full lifestyle reviews are required. It's a learned behaviour that somehow has to be "un-learnt" over a significant time-span. Those looking to help and understand someone with a drink problem should prepare for a difficult and sometimes perplexing journey ahead. I speak from experience, having had a drink problem myself.
John, Scarborough, North Yorkshire

Many roads lead to alcoholism as they do to other addictions. Yes, the alcoholic must admit to the problem but there is also a need to understand and deal with the underlying cause/s which led to addiction in the first place.
Martin Davis, Twickenham, England

As a recovering person who just celebrated 24 years of sobriety, I can tell you that Alcoholic Anonymous is not for people who need it, but want it.
Pat M., Springfield, IL US

I became an alcoholic after a car accident and being made redundant, it took me 5 or 6 years to realise I had a drink problem and then another 12 months to come to terms with that. I locked myself in the house got rid of every alcoholic drink I could find and dried out - a horrible vile time, shaking sweating not being able to sleep, it took a couple of years before I could be around alocohol again. I lost most of my friends but I haven't had a drink in nine years.
Wayne Turner, St Helens, Merseyside

after refusing to admit that a bottle of vodka a day was a drink problem, i left my partner after 3 years of abuse, as soon as i went he used the fact i'd left as the reason he drank, it was always someone elses fault. He died at the age of 32 still refusing to admit he had a problem. The only people who could give me the support i needed were al anon and i would recommend them to anyone who is the relative or friend of an alcholic
anon, birmingham

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