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THE MAGAZINE MONITOR
Welcome to the Magazine Monitor, the home for: 10 THINGS WE DIDN'T KNOW THIS TIME LAST WEEK
10 THINGS
Snippets harvested from the week's news, chopped, sliced and diced for your weekend convenience.
1. A new product is launched every three-and-a-half minutes.
2. The Palestinians have a supreme court.
More details3. Syriana - the title of George Clooney's latest film - is a term used by Washington think-tanks to describe hypothetical realignment of the Middle East.
4. Rhubarb, that classic English fruit, was introduced to Britain from Siberia.
5. The "Rhubarb triangle" is an area of West Yorkshire farms bordered by Leeds, Wakefield and Bradford, where rhubarb is grown.
6. Pooh Bear illustrator EH Shepard hated Pooh bear.
More details7. Chimpanzees ruin their fingers by walking on their knuckles.
More details
8. It's possible to generate a temperature 133 times greater than the interior of the sun - scientists have produced a gas exceeding 3.6 billion degrees Fahrenheit, although they don't know how they did it.
More details
9. Hummingbirds are the only creatures, apart from humans, known to have an episodic memory - enabling them to remember where and when they last fed.
More details
10. HSBC, which has announced record UK banking profits of £11.9bn, makes a profit of just £1.05 per week from each of its UK personal customers.
More detailsAttributes: 1 - Mintel's GNPD - Global New Products Database; 3 - Observer Review, 4 March; 4 - Guardian, 10 March; 5 - Daily Telegraph, 9 March.
If you spot anything that should be included next week, use the form below to tell us about it. Thanks, this week, to Candace, New Jersey and Kristi B, USA.
The BBC may edit your comments and not all emails will be published. Your comments may be published on any BBC media worldwide.
YOUR LETTERS FRIDAY 10 MARCH 1621 GMT
Can Monitor readers come up with headlines that have several possible meanings? I'd like to start with "Hospital cuts prompt protest walk".
Maggie,
South London
Aha! The Pointless Poll is, ipso facto, not pointless. Though obviously *they* upstairs are using it as contra-indicator as to the licence payers' actual wishes: Were it ever thus. Better check back to see what we're in for next...
Stig,
London, UK
If I had a penny for every letter I'd sent into the Monitor that wasn't published, I'd have 63p.
64p.
John Henry,
London, UK
In a desperate bid for publication on the subject of porridge, I searched Hansard for mention of this worthy foodstuff. I was not disappointed! A written submission to the "Administration Committee inquiry into the House of Commons Refreshment Department Services" (aka a cafe survey) in January 2006 reveals that porridge is available in the House for the bargain price of 40p.
Please may I have some more?
Norbert,
London
[The BBC is not responsible for the content of external sites]
They have just replaced the handwash in the gents' toilet at work with one which is oatmeal and honey - porridge essentially. I want my hands to smell clean, not like breakfast.
Basil Long,
Newark Notts
I once had a job on a farm picking wild oats. I really should have read the job advert more carefully.
Adam,
London, UK
Trying to keep up with all this Porridge Watch is positively gruelling...
Charles Frean,
Bedford, Massachusetts
Interesting headline [see photo, right]. Are we talking about pens and paper?
Fiona,
Edinburgh
Having spent the time copying and pasting Andrew's text (Monitor letters) into a document so I could find the difference, I feel justified in wasting someone else's time by suggesting that in fact his text "!himself up made have couldn't Barker genius the even something is surely tahT" is still wrong, and it should read "!himself up made have couldn't Barker genius the even something is surely That". I hope that clears things up.
Justin Rowles,
Southampton, UK
Does anyone fancy a pint?
Gareth,
Tokyo, Japan
PORRIDGEWATCH FRIDAY 10 MARCH 1227 GMT
The Monitor's new cereal drama.
Your comments about porridge have proved bizarre but true. I have since seen an article on business results illustrated with shelves of porridge oats, and there was a short article about porridge in my local free newspaper. Is mass auto-suggestion taking place?
Kay Sanders,
Huddersfield, UK
You start Porridge Watch, the very next day there's a story on your own website (Porridge sales 'nearly double).
Laura,
College Park, MD, US
Sarah Kennedy said something about porridge on Radio 2 this morning (not sure what - half asleep), though she may have been talking about a porridge newspaper article.
Sarah,
Leeds
Column 1, page 9 in the Metro. A dramatic discourse of 72 whole and dietarily balanced words!
Rod,
London, UK
I would like to start Daffodil Watch as I spotted some flowering next to Richmond roundabout this morning. I had just eaten porridge when I saw them.
Lucy Larwood,
London
CAPTION COMP**UPDATED** FRIDAY 10 MARCH 1200 GMT
Here are the winning entries in the caption competition.
This week's picture showed US President George Bush bowling during a cricket workshop at the American Embassy in Islamabad, Pakistan.
6. Martin Bentley, Kent
George's re-enactment of Saturday Night Fever was ruined when someone threw a cricket ball at him.
5. Mel, Stuttgart
"It's kinda flashdance fused with MC Hammer"
4. Richard Collins, Reading
Bush chucker trial
3. Alex Hazel, Hants
Gorilla tactics
2. Gearoid O'Muimeachain, London
"Darwin or Intelligent Design, Mr President?"
1. Martin Bentley, Kent
FDR - JFK - LBDubya
PAPER MONITOR FRIDAY 10 MARCH 1129 GMT
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
Just a week ago Paper Monitor's friend and colleague, Pointless Poll, asked which TV programme you would most like to see revived - in third (and last) place came Nationwide, the current affairs magazine show famous for featuring skateboarding ducks.
So imagine the surprise at Monitor Towers when, while browsing the Daily Telegraph, we read that it is to be resurrected in a four-week trial come summer.
It is to be "anchored by a still to be chosen 'Natasha Kaplinsky-style' presenter", says the Telegraph. But there will be no space for the aforementioned ducks, nor Uncle Frank Bough.
Meanwhile, the headline writers have great fun with the story of the man fined £50 for putting his rubbish in a bin.
Man fined for throwing junk mail in a litter bin - Daily Express
£50 fine for putting rubbish in litter bin - Daily Telegraph
Fined for putting his litter in a bin - Daily Mirror
Fined for putting rubbish in a bin - the Sun
Fined £50... for throwing rubbish into a rubbish bin - Daily Mail
The story goes that he was sent a fixed penalty notice for breaching a council regulation stating that "domestic refuse"... oops, lost the will to live. How did that happen?
FRIDAY 10 MARCH
On Thursday, we asked which group of people had on average the least spent on their food. A well-educated 49% correctly guessed school children (less than 50p), while 33% opted for hospital patients (£2.50), 14% guessed soldiers (£2.20) and 4% thought it was prisoners (£1.87).
YOUR LETTERS THURSDAY 9 MARCH 1800 GMT
No wonder no-one over 35 has heard of MySpace (MySpace Age, 7 March). One needs free time, few responsibilities and no pressing need to go to bed of an evening. NoSpace might perhaps be an apt term for my typical evenings. As much as I'd like to potter about online for hours, it's all "feed kids, now bathtime, ok ONE story, collapse on sofa to eat tea with wife". If I want to swap jokes and pithy observations, I do it at work. By writing to the Monitor.
Howard,
Bakewell
Gillette's five-blade razor isn't 'news' (Paper Monitor, Thursday)! More to the point, The Onion isn't the only publication on Bladewatch: NFL.com's Tuesday Morning Quarterback has been calling Gillette Stadium "Next One Will Have Six Moisture-Sensitive Vibrating Blades with Remote Control, Make Coffee, Walk the Dog, Receive High-Resolution GPS and Improve Your Love Life Field" for months. Meanwhile, Hitachi has launched a waterproof razor with ten blades. Eat your heart out, Gillette!
(It probably would...)
Matt,
Surrey, UK
Re: Porridge watch. Dr Gillian McKeith notes that eating porridge helps you 'sow your wild oats' as it has a positive sexual effect! Although I'd have expected Scotland to be a far more populous place if this were true.
Anne R,
Fareham UK
"...there have been 342 stories in the national press about porridge so far this year". Has Paper Monitor actually taken the trouble to count them? Is this really a good use of our licence fee? I think we should be told.
Martin Ruck,
Oxford, UK
Monitor to Ruck: Ahh, the wonders of software.
I think it's time we started Watch Watch, what what?
Anthony,
London
Bizarre headline of the day: Greenspan memoirs sold to Penguin.
Amanda,
Newcastle
While I applaud your attempt at a 'Barkerism' (Paper Monitor 7 March) it is somewhat spoiled by the typo - it should read: "!himself up made have couldn't Barker genius the even something is surely tahT" not "!himself up made have couldn't Barker genius the even something is surely thaT".
Andrew,
Bonnybridge, Scotland
Can anyone tell me how many letters they send in that aren't published before getting one on the site? There must be a ratio or formula I can use. Am starting to feel quite left out and knowing my chances would help lessen the anguish I feel every time I send a letter that doesn't appear. This is despite attempts at using imperceptible wittisms and mentions of routemaster buses.
Nicola Judd,
Brisbane, Australia
Could you please tell me what happened to the films that made the top 10 in the STOP LOOK LISTEN competition? I couldn't watch them at work and when I got home they had disappeared! Can Monitor help?
EG,
Clapham, UK
Monitor to EG: Ahh the wonders of a search engine: Top 10 films, 7 March)
Makeup Madness? (What you can and can't do while driving, 9 March)? I don't understand. Why else do they put mirrors in cars?
Sharon,
Essex
I'm very very sleepy. why am I not asleep?
Liz Sandon,
Sunny Uxbridge
PUNORAMA **UPDATED** THURSDAY 9 MARCH 1457 GMT
It's time for Punorama.
The rules are straightforward - we choose a story which has been in the news, and invite you to create an original punning headline for it.
This week it's Charlotte Church who is the face of this year's national No Smoking Day.
The opera singer-turned-pop star used to puff on up to 25 cigarettes a day but has decided to give up smoking after it started to affect her voice.
A lot of punsters focused on the smoking, a fine example being Fags for the memories from Dan D in London.
While others took inspiration from Charlotte's singing career. Nikki Farrar-Mayhew in Eastbourne had Voice of an ashtray, Christina in Bath No smoke without choir and Philip from Nottingham Vice of an angel.
One that was very popular was Does my butt look big in this? from among others Jon Braybrook, Fleet UK, Kip, Norwich UK and Tony, Petersfield
And short, sweet and to the point is Kicking butts from Muhammad Isa, Watford, UK. Making reference to Charlotte's fiery nature is Candace from New Jersey, US, with Butt out of my life says Char.
But probably the cleverest goes to TeeGee in Belfast with Church incensed by smoke. Nice.
PORRIDGEWATCH THURSDAY 9 MARCH 1100 GMT
The Monitor's new cereal drama.
Shakespeare wrote about it ("He receives comfort like cold porridge", The Tempest), as did Burns ("The healsome porritch, chief of Scotia's food"). And now the newspapers, obsessed with the wonder food, are completely smitten.
Stories in today's papers about porridge no longer being given to prisoners are just the tip of the iceberg. On Tuesday there was a story about a millionaire who died in "squalor" (Sun), whose only luxury was a daily helping of porridge. At the Oscars, Rachel Weisz said that because she is pregnant, her brain was like porridge. Gaby Roslin has been speaking about her idyllic lifestyle with her daughter, hanging round in pyjamas, eating porridge.
In fact, excluding references to the late Ronnie Barker, there have been 342 stories in the national press about porridge so far this year. This compares to just 79 for cornflakes. What is the reason for this modern mania? It can't all be down to the GI diet. The Monitor smells a conspiracy and hereby requests readers' help in alerting us to rogue mentions of the wonderfood. Please use the form in the usual manner.
PAPER MONITOR THURSDAY 9 MARCH 1015 GMT
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
The Daily Mirror has picture exclusives today of George Clooney as a boy, complete with specs, bowl haircut, white polo-neck and geeky smile. Also as a Ross Geller-a-like with studenty tache. *Shudder*.
What that man needed was a shave. And handily the Independent has a double page spread analysis of Gillette's huge investment in a five-blade razor. Paper Monitor used to be fond of an e-mail newsletter, now sadly only published very rarely, called Need to Know, which took great pleasure in highlighting these kinds of stories under the banner "Life imitates Onion". And, sure enough, the Onion (a satirical website, for anyone who doesn't know), had exactly this story way back in 2004: F*** everything, we're doing five blades.
Meanwhile the fun of looking at the Express is beginning to wear off. Today's front page: "DIANA'S DEATH: 'DIRTY TRICKS BY MI6'". Yeah, yeah, tell us something we don't know. As well as becoming obsessive, the paper must be getting forgetful, since it's only four weeks ago that it revealed British spies used laser beams to dazzle Diana's driver. If that's not a dirty trick, what is?
The paper's going to have to work harder than this to retain our attention (though Paper Monitor did have a dream/nightmare last night in which all papers had the headline: "SHOCK NEW THEORY ON DIANA OBSESSION: 'ALL DOWN TO OFFICE BET'.")
Anyway, Paper Monitor is delighted to announce it has secured funding for an exciting new strand, which will be a worthy successor to Da Vinci Watch, Brent Watch, Natch Watch and even Asbo Watch. Watch this space.
THURSDAY 9 MARCH
On Wednesday, we asked how many days a year do average web users spend online, according to Google? No suprise that you lot did rather well on this question - 63% correctly answered 41 days, with 30% saying 21 days and 7% opting for 11. Another mini-question is on the Magazine index now.
YOUR LETTERS WEDNESDAY 8 MARCH 1611 GMT
A nomination for news where you need read no further - on the front page of the BBC News website there's the headline "Look no hands! Driver fined for make-up madness."
Hannah,
Cambridge, UK
Re Paper Monitor: the iPod madness began on Dateline Hollywood way back in 2004 with "NEO-NATAL IPODS NEWEST TREND FOR HIPSTER COUPLES - Trendy parents implanting digital music player in womb". There's even a sonogram picture.
Rosie,
Ware, UK
Re Alan's unwitting overtime after the boss had already left (Monitor letters), would that be undue diligence?
Simon Meara,
London
D'ohvertime
Stephen Derry,
Newcastle upon Tyne, UK
Gobslacked
Colin Larcombe,
Orleans, France
Shirkaholic
Stephen Buxton,
Coventry, UK, thelbiq.co.uk
Can you settle an argument for me please? Your picture for the doggy quizlooks like a British bulldog to me, but my mate Dave reckons it's a boxer. Who's right?
James Dawkins,
Luton
Is Gareth Edwards (Monitor letters) asking flexicographers to phrase a coin?
Brian Ritchie,
Oxford, UK
If the little embellishments on the edges of coins are really called teeth, then maybe a new lexicon word could be coincidents.
Peter Collins,
Belfast
I am giving up smoking today, and to help me beat my cravings I'm going to write to the Magazine Monitor every time I feel like lighting up. Thanks for your support.
Kristopher Bevan,
Stromness, Orkney
Where's that service station (Monitor letters)? It's Heston on the M4. As revealed by the words "Heston Services" across the top.
Ian
What are the criteria for being one of Isabella's £50-men (Monitor letters)?
Anthony,
London
Luckily for the trapped Iain H (Monitor letters), I also live in London. I'll pop round straight away.
Tim G,
London, UK
PAPER MONITOR WEDNESDAY 8 MARCH 1015 GMT
Spare a thought for Sarah Sands, sacked yesterday as editor the Sunday Telegraph. Regular readers will remember how we followed her career with interest, including her letter to readers on the paper's November relaunch ("I want the Sunday Telegraph to be like your iPod - full of your favourite things...brains and beauty...a journalistic spa: beautiful, calm, witty, transforming..."), Private Eye's satire of it (For me, a Sunday newspaper is like a bath bubble, floating in the air, smelling of perfume, with a picture of a woman in her knickers on the front page), and even her first podcast.
Now she's been given the push. The bath bubble has burst.
The iPod madness meanwhile continues elsewhere. It's sufficient now for someone to be seen with an iPod (Renee Zellweger in today's Sun, Express, Mirror etc) for them to appear in the papers. Or even for there to be a rumour that someone owns an iPod (the Pope, in today's Sun, and yesterday's Metro).
And for Paper Monitor the most interesting aspect of the resignation of the chief executive of the NHS is not that he gets a whacking pension or indeed a peerage. It's that his replacement, at least for the time being, is Sir Ian Carruthers! And there were we, thinking that Carruthers, Blenkinsop, Simkins and Fortescue-Smyth were names that just didn't crop up nowadays (except in Mac cartoons).
WEDNESDAY 8 MARCH
On Tuesday, we asked what was the current use of the shop which appeared in the television show Open All Hours. The correct answer, a hair dressing salon, was identified by 47% - while 36% wrongly believed that it was a kebab shop and 17% thought it had become an estate agents.
YOUR LETTERS 7 MARCH 1645 GMT
Re: Motorway Service Stations rated. The accompanying picture shows a sign for motorway services, with petrol at 51.9p. Where is this service station?! I'm impressed it's managed to keep its prices so low in this day and age.
Katie P,
Salisbury, UK
Lets hope the sandwiches at least have a best before date on them.
Phil,
Nimes, France
Re Paper Monitor, Tuesday. Gotta love that "Brokebacklash" gag you keep working. But Gore Vidal was simply repeating the same observation made at the Baftas by the producers of Brokeback Mountain, who complained that everyone called it the gay cowboys movie [pause for effect] when it was in fact a gay shepherds movie. But hardly anyone bothered to watch the Baftas, so Gore probably felt safe in using their joke.
Patsy,
Chesterfield
Can Monitor readers come up with a word which adequately describes that feeling of frustration when, having been working (or at least giving the impression of working) hard for the last hour and a half, you discover that the boss has already gone - and so has everyone else for that matter - and you realise that you could have sloped off at least 20 minutes ago?
Alan,
London UK
I see there are new iPod posters up. But among the groovy young funkateers gracing this campaign, where are the 30- and 40-something £50-men Dad-dancing to their own private soundtrack, who by far make up the bulk of the iPod-wearers I see?
Isabella,
Sheffield
I'd like to take "news stories you don't need to read" a step further with Girl gets hand stuck in plughole.
Adam,
London, UK
Re Ensure consent for sex, men told. Will this lead to an increase in video camera sales?
John Henry,
London, UK
In today's article regarding the provision (or lack thereof) of public toilets in London, it is stated that there is 'only one public toilet for each one of the 28 million people who visit London every year.' That's enough, isn't it?
Jacqui Adams,
London, UK
Andrew Hawksworth, whose picture was used in 10 Things last week, says he doesn't know what the dots round a coin are called. They're beads. If, as on some coins, they're angular rather than round, they're called teeth.
Alex Cameron,
Loughborough, UK
Maybe a flexicographer could come up with something better?
Gareth Edwards,
Stoke on Trent, UK
Re the cost of flushing the toilet (10 things). Wouldn't it be better if, instead of being 1.5p, it was just one pee?
Geoff Harrison,
Alsager,UK
Help! My door knob has fallen off and I'm stuck in my bedroom.
Iain H,
London
PAPER MONITOR 7 MARCH 1100 GMT
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
Even more unusual than the Express not having Diana on the front page is the Daily Telegraph not doing the same with Keira Knightley when it has good reason. But since Knightley didn't win an Oscar while Rachel Weisz did, they were more or less obliged to give the emphasis to the latter.
But never fear, the paper made up for it on inside pages... How's about this for a comprehensive first sentence to a story:
"Keira Knightley may have lost out on an Oscar but she was by far the most dramatically dressed star at the awards, wearing a stunning, one-shouldered bordeaux taffeta gown by Vera Wang with a huge fishtail hem and a dazzling display of Bulgari jewels."
Full stop. New paragraph.
The Sun, however, says the dress clashed with the red carpet. The shame!
But aside all the Oscar fun and frolics, and people happily jumping on the Brokebacklash bandwagon, (Gore Vidal pointed out at the weekend that these blokes weren't cowboys at all - they were shepherds!), Paper Monitor has eyes only for the Guardian's Corrections column.
"A report on a memorial service for Ronnie Barker, page 7, March 4, was somewhat garbled due to the transposition of columns two and three."
!himself up made have couldn't Barker genius the even something is surely thaT
TUESDAY 7 MARCH
With apologies for a few procedural irregularites, we're happy to announce that the result of Monday's Daily Mini-Quiz was that 77% of you correctly identified that most people only use six websites, despite there being more than 76 million to choose from. Glad to see that the BBC is one of the six. Tuesday's question is on the index now. And there will be a so-called bumper crop of letters later today.
PAPER MONITOR MONDAY 6 MARCH 1120GMT
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
There is a theory that political scandals have a maximum natural life span of two Sundays - and Culture Secretary Tessa Jowell must be hoping that the story will run out of steam before she does.
The newspapers, faced with the challenge of finding a new way into a complex tale, have taken a visual approach - with the front pages of the Times and Daily Telegraph carrying a big, unflattering close-up of the minister's face, as if to say that the story is getting even closer in its pursuit.
But some stories carry on forever. And it's reassuring to see the Daily Express getting back to doing what it does best - stories about Princess Diana's death.
The latest revelation fills the front page - with a giant headline "Diana's death: Yet another lie is exposed". This is accompanied by only 33 words on the front page, but you can get the gist from just seven of them: "astonishing blunder", "suppressing evidence" and "bungling forensic tests".
Even more remarkable in its own way is the other Diana story in Monday's papers.
And that's the claim in the Daily Mail that Princess Diana's death was the result of a traffic accident. Haven't they seen all the stories in the Daily Express? Apparently not, because page 5 is filled with the story headlined: "Official: Diana's death was simply an accident."
The Daily Mail also picked up on another example of David Cameron's ability to surf the zeitgeist. The environmentally-friendly Tory leader is getting a wind turbine for his London home, picking up on the trend for people to generate some of their own energy.
Those politicians are always so hungry for power.
MONDAY 6 MARCH
Last Friday's Pointless Poll noted that Rainbow and Play for Today are returning to our screens - and we asked what TV programmes you would like to see revived. The timelessly-enjoyable test card was preferred by 45%, followed by 38% wanting the children's classic, the Herbs and 17% wanted the skateboarding ducks on Nationwide.
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