Are you a couch potato?

You see an old lady being harassed by a gang of youths. What do you do?

A: Having been on an assertiveness training course, you approach them, and question their behaviour in a confident but non-confrontational manner. B: Make a mental note of their descriptions, then try to find the nearest call box to summon the police. C: Reach for the remote and turn over, tutting about how violence on TV puts you off your chips.

George Forman is world famous for:

A: Standing at the lamppost at the corner of the street. B: Being knocked out in the Rumble in the Jungle in the eighth round by Mohammed Ali. C: Being that friendly guy who sells Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grilling Machines.

You decide you really ought to lose weight. Do you:

A: Try to eat a balanced diet and set achievable exercise goals. B: Bite the bullet and decide from now on you will walk to the TV. C: Get some numbers for Harley Street liposuctionists.

"A lack of energy for your sexual relationship." A risk of what behaviour, according to the World Health Organisation?

A: Too much jogging. B: Not enough exercise, along with the added risks of coronary heart disease, strokes, high blood pressure, breathlessness, flabby body, little energy, stiff joints, osteoporosis, poor posture, and being overweight. C: Being vegetarian.

400g is the approximate weight of what?

A: The maximum recommended weight of running shoes. B: A recommended daily intake of fruit – consisting of five pieces. C: A Royale with cheese.

The likes of drive-in drycleaners and ATMs are:

A: Convenience culture taken way too far. B: The very least one would expect so one's PA can run errands quick smart. C: All very well but what about delivery?

Imagine you are a 6ft man, or alternatively a 5ft 6ins woman. If your weight is 13 stone 9 pounds for a man, or 10 stone 6 pounds for a woman, are you:

A: Really lardy. B: Slightly overweight. C: A bit too short, and besides, I'm heavy boned.

Self-sufficiency could elude the EU in what respect?

A: Production of fruit and vegetables, if everyone in the union ate the recommended amount. B: Pizza toppings – the true creativity is not now in Italy but in the US. C: True marathon champions – without the competition from Ethiopian and Kenyan runners.

What is the best way to get a good night's sleep?

A: Buy a Lazy Man, a combination toilet/recliner invented by Homer Simpson. B: Have at least half an hour's aerobic activity every day. C: Self-hypnosis.

Sitting children in front of a video is good because...

A: It gives me some time to go out for a fag. B: It will train them for a life in front of a screen and help develop their concentration. C: I grew up watching Scooby and Shaggy eating Scooby Snacks and it never did me any harm. D: All of the above.