Writer confronts his ice tragedy

By Gemma Ryall
BBC News

Stephen Tait believes he suffered post-traumatic stress disorder

In 1981, Stephen Tait witnessed the horrific death of two friends who fell down a hole in a glacier while on an expedition of Antarctica.

For five years afterwards, he was so shocked after seeing his two mountain climbing buddies lifeless at the bottom of a crevasse that he was unable to feel anything.

For 15 years he was unable to talk about what he had seen - not even to his wife.

It is only now that he has been able to recount what happened that day.

After turning to writing, Mr Tait said the "floodgates opened" and he was unable to stop until he had told his story, an experience which he described as "important and cathartic".

It is a story not just of tragedy but also of courage and survival.

He was already a highly experienced mountain climber when he decided to join the expedition, having taken part in adventures in the Alps and Africa.

It's very hard to understand something which is that horrific Stephen Tait

But nothing prepared him for his experience he faced in the wilderness of Antarctica.

Having spent eight days sheltering in a tiny tent while it was battered by a blizzard, he and his three climbing companions decided to try to make the day's journey back to their base as the weather eased.

However, the fallen snow disguised the dangers ahead as they made their way in convoy across the ice on their snow mobiles and sledges.

"I was at the front and must have disturbed a bridge [the thin ice going over a crevasse]," said Mr Tait, 54, of Brecon, Powys.

"As the two men behind me went across they suddenly disappeared down a hole."

Mr Tait, pictured in Antarctica in 1981, calls his writing cathartic

They had fallen about 150ft (45m). "The guy behind them saw it happen and was in shock. I was the one experienced in these kinds of rescues so it was up to me to abseil down into the crevasse."

What he saw at the bottom will stay with him forever - and he still finds it difficult to talk about.

"I came across the devastation a fall that height could cause. One chap was dead already and the other was alive but died soon afterwards," he recalled.

"He was jammed between his machine and the wall of the crevasse. The ice at the bottom of that glacier could have been millions of years old and was as hard as concrete.

"It was just unbelievable - he was in a very bad way and he died as I was trying to sort it out. I haven't come to terms with it yet. It was a very disturbing process to see them like that.

"There was nothing I could do. I was very close to those guys and had a bond with one of them in particular. It's very hard to understand something which is that horrific."

Realising that he could also have been dying because of the plummeting temperatures and the shock, he decided he had to make his way to his remaining colleague on the glacier surface.

Glaciers in Antarctica often have crevasses hidden by snow and ice

Using all his strength, he managed to pull himself out of the vertical hole and he and his friend planned their next move while sheltering in their tent.

They eventually got back to their base, where they had to spend another six to eight months along with others because it was winter and no planes or boats could reach them.

"I felt very isolated there. It's the same for everyone there," he said.

"But it was particularly bad for me because of what had happened. There was no respite from it. It was very strange."

Expressing grief

After leaving Antarctica, he attended Cardiff University and worked as a teacher and management consultant.

He and his wife also had two children and settled in Pontypridd - his wife's home town - and later in Brecon.

But his experience on the ice never left him.

"I know now I was suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder," he said.

"It wasn't until five years after the event that it started affecting me in any great way, by which time I was living in Greece and working in the Middle East. It suddenly all came back to me and I resigned from my job to do a further degree."

'They're remembered'

It was only after he started putting pen to paper that he was able to express his grief.

He initially planned to write his book, then put it away in a drawer "and forget about it".

But a couple of people he showed it to insisted it should be published.

The book - called Shambles after the glacier where the tragedy happened - has sold a reported 10,000 copies in the US, where it was published in June. It was launched in the UK in September.

But its author said sales were not important.

"Writing was the difficult but cathartic process I needed to go through," he said.

"The guys who died are remembered and I hope it's a tribute to them."