Name calling in Commons playground

By Tim Reid
Westminster reporter, BBC Scotland

Just like children in the playground, it never takes very long for MPs and ministers to earn a nickname. Some last, some don't.

Confusion reigns over Mr Browne's working hours

Westminster's politicians have certainly been earning their titles this week as they've got used to new jobs, offices and promotions after not one, not two, but three reshuffles of the front-bench teams in the Commons.

Let's start with 'double job Des' - the new Scottish secretary who also retains his post as defence secretary.

He's only 'double job Des' to his opponents who dislike the idea of what they see as a part-time secretary of state in charge of Britain's military, and are equally unhappy at him being a part-time cabinet minister for Scotland.

That dual portfolio was the concern of several Tory MPs at Gordon Brown's first Prime Minister's Questions, where Mr Brown insisted that Mr Browne was not a part-time anything.

Now this is where it gets a tiny bit confusing because according to the new prime minister, 'double job Des' is not double job or part-time at all.

In fact, he told MPs: "The secretary of state for Scotland... is a minister of state, who will be carrying out his day-to-day duties on a full-time basis."

'Defence estimates'

This must be a different Mr Browne from the Mr Browne who is defence secretary, because just a few seconds earlier, the prime minister insisted rather indignantly that the "secretary of state for defence is doing a full-time job.

"He is working to draw up future defence estimates and he is doing a magnificent job on behalf of our country."

Rather bafflingly though, it is David Cairns, formerly junior minister, or parliamentary under-secretary, in the Scotland Office who has just been promoted to minister of state in the department and who by implication could well be the one who ends up running Dover House.

Mr Browne himself does have another nickname which he's probably more fond of. He's called "The Boss" by officials in the MoD.

After his debut performance at Wednesday's despatch box, the Big Boss has been lumbered with a new nickname by his opponents too.

Mr Campbell's performance has earned him a new nickname

'Bumbling Brown' is what they've branded him on the opposition benches, because of his inability to answer some of the challenges he faced, and because he thought he'd only been PM for five days and not seven.

The Liberal Democrat leader Sir Menzies Campbell's triumph at PMQs means he has a new title too.

He's gone from being Ming the Merciless - which he earned after the former leader Charles Kennedy was deposed - to Ming the Marvellous. That quip to Mr Brown that his open door was a "trapdoor" had even his most fierce enemies chuckling into their order papers.

Then there is the MP for Banff and Buchan, otherwise known as the first minister and the MSP for Gordon.

Alex Salmond has been dubbed 'Two Cheque Eck' after collecting his Holyrood and his Westminster salary though he says he's only intending to claim the Commons pay in future and will voluntarily forfeit his MSP's one.

Former Home Secretary John Reid, who in government had more jobs than any other Labour minister in history, has earned himself a new job as a backbencher.

John Smeaton's heroism was recognised in parliament

'Reid to the Rescue' is what they're calling him in the corridors of Westminster after the MP for Airdrie and Shotts, which is his only position now, came to the aide of a prime minister in need of an answer over the fate of the Muslim organisation Hizb ut-Tahrir.

Needless to say there are a few other nicknames doing the rounds, like Four Hats Harman (deputy labour leader, women's minister, leader of the house and lord privy seal) but not wanting to earn the BBC a day in court, we won't mention all of them here.

Just one final one though, and it goes not to a politician but to a have-a-go hero from last weekend's Glasgow Airport attack.

His real name is John Smeaton and he's become something of a cult hero, complete with a website set up in his honour, after tackling one of the terror suspects.

In the Commons, as tributes were paid, he was branded the "one man scourge of international terrorism." Catchy maybe not. But worth it? No doubt.