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THE MAGAZINE MONITOR
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Welcome to the Magazine Monitor, the home for:
- Daily Mini-Quiz results
- Paper Monitor
- Your letters
- Punorama (Weds)
- Caption Comp (Thurs)
- 10 things we didn't know (Sat)
10 THINGS WE DIDN'T KNOW THIS TIME LAST WEEK
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10 THINGS
10 footballs at the opening of Arsenal's new stadium by Derek Elmore
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Snippets harvested from the week's news, chopped, sliced and diced for your weekend convenience.
1. Thirty percent of people with digital cameras never print their pictures.
2. Shoe injuries are on the rise - half a dozen women are admitted to University Hospital of Wales in Cardiff during weekend evenings suffering from them.
3. There are only four members of the Shaker religious sect left in the world.
4. The new chief executive of Ben and Jerry's is called Walt Freese.
5. California was the 12th largest source of greenhouse gasses last year - 41% of which is down to transport (as opposed to 28% in the UK).
6. British motorists are the most uptight in Europe, with 87% sometimes very annoyed by other drivers.
7. Almost all the leatherback turtles found dead in UK waters have died from ingesting discarded plastic bags, which they mistake for jellyfish, one of their main food sources.
8. Lord Tebbit is a "huge fan" of Deal or No Deal.
9. It's illegal to make confetti out of euro bank notes.
10. The oleander (Nerium oleander) plant is perhaps the most lethal plant in the British Isles today - one small portion of leaf could knock you out.
[3 - Boston Globe, 23 July; 4 - Guardian, 1 August; 5 - Daily Telegraph, 1 August; 7 - Seawatch, BBC One, 2 August; 8 - the Sun, 4 August.]
If you spot anything that should be included next week, use the form below to tell us about it.
The BBC may edit your comments and not all emails will be published. Your comments may be published on any BBC media worldwide.
YOUR LETTERS FRIDAY 4 AUGUST 1600 BST
with nominative determinism in mind I was mildly amused to find that the Health and Safety Executive have an office in Caerphilly.
Graham Parsons, Frome
In reply to Krystyna, yes. Fantastic isn't it?
James, Edinburgh
Regarding your story Binge drinking 'worst in north' - a contender for 10 things we knew already?
Ian Downey, Watford
I see you didn't pick my question for the reader's slot on 7 days 7 Questions, but I noticed that you used it as the basis for the scoring (Rip It Up / Hound Dog / Teddy Bear). Don't I get a credit for that then, eh?
Adrian, Manchester, UK
In case anybody's wondering, the items chosen for the scavenger hunt [Magazine Monitor, 13 July], which was last night, were: printed media with tomorrow's date on, a map other than that given as part of scavenger hunt, a coin made in 2006, a cocktail stirrer, 3 different types of straws, a cube, an empty vodka bottle, a black and white drinks label, pork scratchings, a beer mat with a joke on, a picture of a naked mn or woman and an empty toilet roll tube. Thanks to all the MM readers who offered suggestions!
Andy, Leeds, UK
Could MM celibrate our diversity and offer a translation of Caroline's Shift-F3 into Mac, please?
Mike , Newcastle upon Tyne
Am the only one to be moved every time by the the blathered203 photo? I has been used often to illustrate articles on binge drinking. I find it illustrates the unspeakeable sadness of casual self destruction with real poignancy.
Pascal, Grand Union Canal, Cowley, UK
Re today's Paper Monitor, even if pains aux raisin were around in Brunel's day, he wouldn't have got one for completing the Clifton Suspension Bridge - he died before it was finished.
Stephen Ross, Dunfermline, Scotland
Re today's Caption competition, you do yourself no favours MM. You whinge because people do not understand what a pun is in Punorama entries, then you ask your readers "what's being said?" in the Caption Comp and the shortlist is always made up of things that are not being "said". Please explain, do we have to say what is being "said", or just anything vaguely amusing (or in most shortlist cases, not) about the picture?
James Carter, Manningtree
MM note: Mostly, they should just be funny.
Can we have a "None of the above" option on the caption competition vote?
Tom, Oswestry
Blimey, when did Father Jack enter the Scottish Parliment?
Tom Hartland, Derby, UK
Re Your picture caption"They were cool (or were they?); now they're not... or are they?" How should I know - WHO are they? Which raises the question: am I cool?
Judith, Towcester
ONLY INCLUDE THE HR TAG AT START OF NEW DAY
CAPTION COMP ***UPDATED*** FRIDAY 4 AUGUST 1330 BST
It's time to vote for the winning entry in the caption competition.
This week, a man steps over a scale model of Moscow, constructed by 300 workers in 1977, and now up for sale as the owners can no longer afford to maintain it. But what's being said?
Here are the shortlisted entries - now vote for the winner.
1. Stephen Buxton, Coventry
You forget to clean one petri dish...
2. Steve Taylor, Liverpool
Ken Livingstone studies Moscow's approach to stamping out traffic pollution.
Whose is the best caption?
Stephen Buxton  22.71%
Steve Taylor  9.94%
Helene Parry  26.05%
Simon Farrow  10.23%
Steven Meed  10.43%
Phil  20.65%
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3. Helene Parry, South Wales expat to Brentford Lock
Lilliputin.
4. Simon Farrow, Herts
MUST... CRUSH... CAPITALISM...
5. Steven Meed, Middlesbrough
With his new clothes and new identity, Gulliver was confident of starting a quiet life in his new home.
6. Phil, Cardiff
Moscow's Congestion Charge was strictly enforced.
PAPER MONITOR FRIDAY 4 AUGUST 1041 BST
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
The state of the nation's education has never been more lamentable. The evidence:
CVs. The Times tells of a survey that finds employers are put off by poor spelling and grammar in applicants' CVs. There's no word in the story, based on a YouGov survey, about how many CVs actually fall short of the mark in this respect - but that doesn't stop the Times constructing a fake job application in its leader column - replete with bad spelling - poking fun at the thin academic achievements of today's average school pupil; and the abundance of work experience they undertake.
Grammar. Maybe said pupils should turn to the new Compact Oxford English Dictionary for Students which, according to the Daily Telegraph, was "produced because lecturers were complaining about the time they spent teaching undergraduates how to construct sentences and essays".
Clever. And the reason for this shocking indictment on academic standards? Pupils, apparently, think that "clever" ain't cool. Daily Mail says, or should that be sez, as much, in reporting the comments of a teaching union representative. Successful, is, apparently, the "preferred nomenclature" these days. It's all a symptom of the fact that kids now are no longer in thrall to people like Brunel. These days it's flashy folk such as David Beckham and Sir Alan Sugar who are the role models.
Paper Monitor, always thinking of its stomach and its hairstyle, sides with the youth - it can't imagine Isambard Kingdom promising himself a pain aux raisin just as soon as he finished the Clifton Suspension Bridge, or worrying about his Princess Di flick under that humungous top hat, after all.
FRIDAY 4 AUGUST
Thursday's teaser asked what was the name of Elvis' teddy that was savaged by a guard dog. A whooping [yes, we know you're excited] 69% of you correctly picked Mabel, while 18% said Memphis and 13% Marigold. Today's Daily Mini-Quiz is on the Magazine index now.
YOUR LETTERS THURSDAY 3 AUGUST 1641 BST
It was touching to read that security guard Greg West was stroking Mabel the teddy and telling her what a nice little bear she was. Has he ever considered a career that might not involve fending off armed robbers?
Mike , Newcastle upon Tyne
Could there be a special good taste award for Barney the guard dog who finally snapped (after six long years) and tore up teddies?
Susan Thomas, Brisbane, Australia
(Stroke, stroke) What a lovely Magazine Monitor you are. (grrrr) Down, Fido! Aaarrrrrgh!!!
Carol, Portugal
Re your theme on "Nominative determinism", Mr. Richerby? Actually the phenomenon of people having names fitted to their occupations has itself been named and renamed - my favourite term for it is "aptronym". And there's a great list of them here.
Rose, Birmingham
Potentially one of the greatest examples of nominative determinism is the estate agents in Kidderminster - Doolittle and Dalley!
QJ, Stafford, UK
Thanks to Caroline in London's shift-F3 advice, I have had the whole office gathered round my desk as I perform the miracle again and again by request; they have now all toddled off and are doing it themselves in wonder. Thank-you for bringing this marvellous thing into our lives.
Louisa Yates and the rest of her office, Farnham, UK
Was I the only person to try Caroline's handy hint for Dyslocksia (my favourite of the suggested terms), only to be disappointed to discover that it doesn't work in these handy web forms provided by MM.
Liz, Cumbria
Further to Gerard's geometry of terrorism, The Zero Slope of Zealatry, The Hypotenuse of Hatred, The Bisector of Bigotry?
I'm also disappointed MM failed to pick up on the Metro's Blue Suede Chews headline for the Elvis Teddy Story!
Robin, York
In Mr Blair's case, the Hyperbola of Hyperbole.
Dave Godfrey, Swindon, UK
Is my license fee really paying for all this codswallop?
Krystyna, Peterborough
PAPER MONITOR THURSDAY 3 AUGUST 1054 BST
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
Paper Monitor wonders, to borrow a phrase, what attracted blonde wannabe Abigail Clancy to gawky footballer Peter Crouch just before the World Cup and its attendant press hordes?
He blew the final whistle on their relationship some weeks ago - and has even issued a statement saying they're no longer together - yet there "Crouch girl" Abi is in the Sun (courtesy of GQ), flaunting her bits.
And it's not the only story the Sun gets from the glossy men's mag: "PARIS: SO WHO ON EARTH IS MR BLAIR?" is the headline over a news in brief[s] about GQ asking if she fancied the PM (prime minister, not Paper Monitor).
And both the Sun and the Daily Mirror latch on to Lily Allen's interview in the same mag in which she describes Madonna as "the most overrated person in pop history".
Meanwhile, on to one of the most pressing issues of the day - is Posh's new bob a crop or a flop? After five long years, Mrs Beckham has lopped off the hair extensions.
Cast your eyes, ladies and gentlemen, over the photographic evidence laid before you in the Sun, the Mirror, the Daily Mail. And consider, too, the expert testimonies for the defence and the prosecution.
"It's exciting and a break away from all the other extension-loving celebrities," opines the director of Toni and Guy.
"She should let her hair be more natural," argues her husband's hairdresser.
Far better than the "Croydon facelift" sported on her hols last month, reasons the Sun's fashion editor.
"Women love Posh's crop. Men hate it," contends the Mail.
Whatever the verdict, PM is off to visit its stylist. It's time to ditch the Wham/Lady Di flick...
THURSDAY 3 AUGUST
Wednesday's teaser asked how long Gary Lineker and wife Michelle's divorce hearing lasted, after 20 years of wedded bliss. You clever lot, 49% were correct in opting for 70 seconds, 47% went for seven minutes and 4% went for 70 minutes. Today's Daily Mini-Quiz is on the Magazine index now.
YOUR LETTERS WEDNESDAY 2 AUGUST 1547 BST
With Tony Blair's arc of extremism and Dubya's axis of evil are we getting a whole geometry of terrorism? What's next - Parabola of Punishment? Tangent of Terror? Hypocycloid of Horror?
Gerard Krupa, Coventry, UK
Satirical cartoonists are having much fun imagining Tony Blair as Terminator after he met Arnie in California. But the Schwarzenegger film that's most apt is surely Twins.
Isabella, Sheffield
In case anybody else finds the new Toyota marketing campaign annoying, can I be the first to point out that we already have an English word for "BigSmall" - it's "medium".
Tony Doyle, Holmes Chapel, UK
Re the CEO of Ben and Jerry being a Mr Freese (Paper Monitor) - the phenomenon of having a job that matches one's name was christened "nominative determinism" by New Scientist a few years ago. Examples I've seen recently are Marco Velo, who rode in this year's Tour de France and Mark Feinaru-Wada, who wrote a book about drugs in sport.
David Richerby, Athens, Greece
Has anyone noticed that MM hasn't awarded any missives with "Letter of the Week" in some time? Is this a reflection on the general quality of submitted letters or the mercurial moods of our MM?
Teri, Detroit, US
Poor Paper Monitor. Please have my pain aux raisin instead, as I'm on a diet.
Simon Robinson, Birmingham, UK
Paper Monitor, I too feel your pain and desperation, 11am is not the same without a sweet treat. But don't despair. If you can persuade MM to print my letter I'll invite you both round to my house for pancakes this evening. Sugar & lemon or maple syrup & ice cream?
Hannah, UK
MM note: and here we have the Letter of the Week.
A flexicon word that describes the annoyance of inadvertently hitting capSLOCK? How about Dyslocksia?
Lewis Graham, Hitchin, UK
CAPITulation?
Theo Cupier, Amersham, UK
capitALISM?
QJ, Stafford, UK
Acronymonious or Megaphonetic.
Candace, New Jersey, US
I would like to introduce you to the wonders of shift-f3, which will toggle highlighted text back in to lower case, through initial caps and all the way back to caps again. It's rather wonderful when you make a miscapulation while typing.
Caroline, London
While I admire the puns on the royal toilets, bewail the rise of the mini-motorbike and am amazed at Lineker's speedy divorce, my overwhelming emotion is one of loss - where is the midweek quiz? It's the highlight of our Wednesday and helps the week slide towards the weekend. Without it our fine minds will not get that essential midweek training. Please reinstate it, if not for the health of the nation, at least for the sake of our sanity!
Ellie, Bristol
MM note: Apologies. It is not gone, merely absent. On a seaside holiday, since you ask.
I'm really busy this week. Could someone funny do the caption competition for me tomorrow?
Cayley, Santiago
PUNORAMA ***UPDATED*** WEDNESDAY 2 AUGUST 1216 BST
It's Punorama results time. The rules are simple - we give you a story in the news and invite you to write a playful punning headline.
This week it was an intriguing tale highlighted in Paper Monitor. It was about water limiters being fitted to the toilets at Windsor Castle.
The Daily Telegraph couldn't resist "Royal Flush". What did you come up with?
Well, there were some incredibly popular puns this week. Wee are not amused is one that clogged up the punorama inbox. The suggestion was offered up by Madmarce in London, Mark Wrighton in London, Hedley Russell in Caton, Neil Franklin in Southampton and Simon Robinson in Birmingham - to name a few.
With a variation on the theme was Jon Dempsey from Crosby, Liverpool, and Rob in Durham, who both suggested Number one is not amused.
Also flooding the inbox was The Royal Wee, offered by Charles Frean in Bedford, Massachusetts, S Murray in Chester, Rebecca Plumb in London and Alan in London.
Focusing on the tools of the trade were Speed in Armagh, N. Ireland, with Water mitre and Mike Grimes in Liphook with Throne a spanner in the works.
Honourable mentions go to Helene Parry in Brentford Lock for Urinal Highness, Violette Cameron in Sarajevo, Bosnia, for Less of the Royal wee, Nigel Macarthur in London with Flushed with excess and Brian Gunn in Muscat for A right Royal half-of-a-loo.
And an extra special salute to David in Egham, Surrey, for the irreverant Bog save the Queen and Si in Cambridge for Never mind the ballcocks.
PAPER MONITOR WEDNESDAY 2 AUGUST 1145 BST
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
It's August, it's a busy news day. Just look at what's filling the papers:
Posh has haircut - the Daily Mirror
Rolling Stones don't pay a whole lot of tax - the Sun
Mel Gibson at party hour before drink-drive arrest - Daily Mail
Gary Lineker wears sunglasses in Caribbean - everybody!
And while Paper Monitor is deeply concerned about animal welfare issues, it couldn't help but smirk slightly on turning to the Mail's double page spread on the plight of the 200m chickens raised in battery farms every year. Why, you cry? Its correspondent is Sean Poulter. Geddit?
Meanwhile, regular readers will remember that yesterday PM promised itself a pain aux raisin if the Sun made a "throne" gag about water limiters being fitted to the toilets at Windsor Castle.
Today, PM flicked through its pages in increasing desperation to no avail. There were tales aplenty from the palace - Princess Eugenie takes off sandals! Wills picks Hewitt's regiment! - but no sign of a royal flush.
Sniff. No elevenses for PM today.
WEDNESDAY 2 AUGUST
Tuesday's teaser asked what's only marginally less irritating than James Blunt. It's traffic wardens, which ranked 5th in a poll of "most irritating things" - and which 32% of you opted for. Blunt was 4th, cold-callers 1st (40%), caravans 2nd (28%) and queue jumpers 3rd. Today's Daily Mini-Quiz is on the Magazine index now.
YOUR LETTERS TUESDAY 1 AUGUST 1615 BST
I was pleased to see that the changes in postal charges will not be affecting my family; only greetings cards with "humorous" badges will attract a higher rate. As all of the badges I have ever received attached with cards have been somewhat less than amusing presumably they will be exempt.
David, Kent
Please excuse my ignorance, but, regarding this story, what's a "Manichaean view of the world"? Is like a Mancunion view - wet, gloomy with occasional sunny spells??
Pip, Kettering
As a frequent and recent visitor to King's hospital, I have enjoyed the newspaper hoardings as I've walked along each morning. Yesterday I saw "Southwell Sheep Saga Continues". I didn't buy the paper; it was bound to be a disappointment.
Nicola Turton, Old Basing, England
Regarding the "Most annoying things" poll, what was third? Perhaps it was Magazine polls which miss out pieces of information.
James, Edinburgh, UK
MM: Apologies, the missing irritant has since been included. Click here for the top 10.
From Monday's Mini-Quiz we are told that self-timing eggs will soon be available, with ink that darkens when they are ready. Let's give ourselves a pat on the back - we have now become a nation too stupid to even boil an egg.
Maggie, Oxford
If you persist with articles about Superman and the Bible, President Bush is going to see them and become confused again. Please stop.
Curt Carpenter, Dallas, Texas USA
Can Magazine Monitor readers come up with a Flexicon word that describes the annoyance of typing out an email, message or other such document, accidentLLY PRESSING THE "cAPSlOCK" KEY AND CONSEQUENTLY TYPING MOST OF YOUR TEST IN CAPITAL LETTERS?
Ben Paddon, Luton, England
Re the story about the Zinedine Zidane song . "Mr Lipszyc, whose company composes advertising jingles and sound-effects..." Another contender for names which reflect jobs? Maybe he worked on Top of the Pops in a previous life?
Imogen, London
In yesterday's Guardian report on Ben and Jerry's, we learn that the new chief executive of the cuddly ice cream company is called Walt Freese.
Maurice Day, Bootle
Adam of Reading - not so fast on the world domination. You couldn't even manage Eden as I recall.
John Thompson, Southport, UK
Adam, you're not going anywhere until you've finished putting those shelves up.
Eve, Eden
PAPER MONITOR TUESDAY 1 AUGUST
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
It's Paper Monitor's tradition at this time of the year (ie August) to celebrate the sillier parts of the press. And right on cue, the Sun has pulled out a masterclass in bad puns. Anyone who has never got the point of Punorama, watch closely now.
• Story about Cardiff residents kept awake by the staging of a Daleks v Army battle on the set of Dr Who: Tanks for a rotten night's kip, Doc
• Cristiano Ronaldo and Wayne Rooney make up: They wink it's all over
• Former Big Brother star parks in wrong space: JADE BADDY
• Man blows up kitchen after using petrol to clean floor: I FEEL A FUEL
• Welsh footballer builds new house: IT'S RYAN'S DIGS
There. That's more than enough. Makes you long for the return of Parliament (and there aren't too many people outside MPs' families who utter that phrase).
The Daily Telegraph has an intriguing tale that water limiters have been fitted to the toilets at Windsor Castle. Of course the paper couldn't resist "Royal Flush". But when this story appears in tomorrow's Sun (as it surely must) we'll see how much harder the headline can be made to work. Paper Monitor's tip is something about "throne".
If PM's right, it might treat itself to a yummy pain aux raisin from an exclusive BBC coffee bar. There are days, after all, when porridge just isn't enough. And besides, have you seen today's Daily Mail?
Once you get past the horror stories of "How cannabis made my son schizophrenic", "New op for the exercise junkies wrecking their hips", "Fit but infertile", prostate surgery, incontinence, impotence, ADHD etc etc... you reach this story: "Why being fat may not be so bad for you after all".
Hallelujah. One needs read no further. Time for coffee.
TUESDAY 1 AUGUST
Timed to perfection - 60% of Magazine readers were minute-perfect when confronted with yesterday's teaser: how long does Delia Smith suggest boiling an egg, for a soft centre? It was, of course, three minutes. Hard luck and a cautionary word about salmonella to the 16% who picked two minutes. Today's Daily Mini-Quiz, is on the Magazine index.
YOUR LETTERS MONDAY 31 JULY 1629 BST
I believe I've discovered the most annoying scenario on earth - cold callers trying to sell caravans, then putting you on hold (playing a selection of hits by James Blunt) and telling you: "You are number 6 in the queue. You are number 8 in the queue...."
Alex, Colchester, UK
The change from an apparently light-hearted look at puns in today's Paper Monitor, to ironic sniping at the frivolity of using puns when reporting a major fire was too quick and it hurt my neck.
Phil, Guisborough
Re: Paper Monitor. I was disappointed none of the papers went for a variation on Goldfinger's threat. "You expect me to talk, Goldfinger?" "No, Mr Bond, I expect you to fry."
Chris, Oxford
Ray Lashley. Yes every day.
176345, HMP Brixton
To all Adams, i would like to say join my quest for world domination!! We will conquer!!
Adam, Reading
Paper Monitor, after observing your great success in love last week, could I ask you to set me up on a date? I'm a 30 something single mother with two kids and I work in a dog food factory. Do you think you can help?
Blackwood, Edinburgh
It's not as warm here today.
Peter Collins, belfast
PAPER MONITOR MONDAY 31 JULY
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
Today's papers host a titanic battle of the puns.
The Sun kicks off with "The name's Burned... James Burned". Not bad but it does rely on a Clouseau-style pronunciation of Bond. 5/10. The Mirror and the Star win the great-minds-think-alike prize as they both opt for Flames Bond. 6/10. But Metro takes it to a new level with "Live and let fry". 8/10.
The Mail disappoints with "You only burn twice" referring to the blaze being the second major conflagration in 22 years. Poor show, Paper Monitor thinks. And it's ya, boo and sucks to the Independent, Daily Telegraph, the Guardian and the Daily Express, who all score nul points for their choice to avoid puns and instead treat this major fire as a serious story.
Over in the Express something strange is afoot. It's Monday, but there is no Diana-based front page lead. PM can only think of two explanations for this. Perhaps all Diana-obsessed staff have gone on their summer holidays. Or perhaps, and PM suffers an icy dread when it contemplates this, the establishment-led conspiracy to cover up the truth about Diana has infiltrated the Express offices.
Despite the ongoing cataclysm in the Middle East, and possibly feeling that she has contributed more than enough to the debate, Mail columnist Melanie Phillips feels able to divert her attention to the problems caused by the hot summer. But her devotees in the right-wing blogosphere are going to be disappointed by her conclusion that privatisation of power and water is partly to blame. Anywhere, where's that fan?
MONDAY 31 JULY
Friday's Daily Mini-Quiz asked which royal had been spied in Tesco snapping up a T-shirt in the sale? Looks like Zara Phillips has the air of a bargain hunter - she scored 68% of votes - but it was actually Prince William, who took just 12.55%. Today's Daily Mini-Quiz (about eggs!) is on the Magazine index
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