 |
THE MAGAZINE MONITOR
|
Welcome to the Magazine Monitor, the home for:
- Daily Mini-Quiz results
- Paper Monitor
- Your letters
- Punorama (Weds)
- Caption Comp (Thurs)
- 10 things we didn't know (Sat)
10 THINGS WE DIDN'T KNOW THIS TIME LAST WEEK
|
10 THINGS
10 tomatoes seen by Tony James, Hertfordshire.
|
Snippets harvested from the week's news, chopped, sliced and diced for your weekend convenience.
1. Domestic chores take up an average nine years, two months and 25 days over a lifetime.
2. The Labour Party spent £299.63 on Star Trek outfits for the last election, while the Tories shelled out £1,269 to import groundhog costumes.
3. Da Vinci Code author Dan Brown says that when he needs inspiration he hangs upside-down in gravity boots.
4. John Prescott's middle name is Leslie.
5. The best-value consumer purchase in terms of the price and usage is an electric kettle.
6. An artificial insect eye, the size of a pin head and containing over 8,500 hexagonal lenses, is being developed for use as an ultra-thin camera.
7. Londoners spend four more hours per week using the internet than the national average.
8. The most popular employment destination for graduates is the media, followed by teaching, investment banking, marketing and accountancy.
9. Retirement is viewed as a "time of happiness" by 82% of people in Britain - much higher than the global average.
10. Singer Tony Christie is to release a World Cup version of his song, (Is This the Way to) Amarillo? It is to be called (Is This the Way to) the World Cup?
[Sources: 1:Times, 3: Independent, 8:Times, 9: Guardian.]
If you spot anything that should be included next week, use the form below to tell us about it.
The BBC may edit your comments and not all emails will be published. Your comments may be published on any BBC media worldwide.
YOUR LETTERS FRIDAY 28 APRIL 1651 BST
May I be the first to offer an e-hug to all readers ((((((((((((( readers )))))))))))))
Gordon,
Whitley Bay
New verb: To upskill. I heard this by a presenter on the Today programme. John Humphrys was having a day off. Obviously.
John Thompson,
Southport, UK
Loved the article on the tritone, but especially as the Professor of Music was called Professor Deathridge - how rock is that!
Robin,
Edinburgh
Nice and subtle piece of Brentwatch in the article on business slackers using the actor in the French version of the office.
Rob McKay,
Banbury
Nintendo have come up with the name "Wii" for their next-gen console. It is pronounced "we", but I can literally only think of it as "Nintendo Wee" not "Nintendo We", and it sounds totally absurd. Mind you, I initially had the same trouble with Google, now I Google things without batting an eyelid.
Jon,
London
In the story on icons of England, there is a quote: 'It has been overwhelming, with around a quarter of a million visits to the site, more than 5,000 suggested nominations and around 300,000 votes." How can 300,000 have voted when only 250,000 have visited the site?
Will Bennett,
Horsham, West Sussex UK
My colleague Nick Cotton (yes that really is his name) is always complaining that you never publish his letters but you sometimes publish mine. He is getting paranoid that you don't like him. Can you please just confirm that it's actually because I'm just better than he is.
Gareth Edwards,
Stoke on Trent, UK
MM note: We take the fifth on such queries.
Re: Thursday letters. Own up! You're doing it on purpose now, aren't you?
Caroline Brown,
Rochester, UK
CAPTION COMP ***UPDATED*** FRIDAY 28 APRIL 1400 BST
It's time for the caption competition result.
In this week's picture, a model was striking a pose in Vivienne Westwood's show at the inaugural Edinburgh International Fashion Festival.
6. Gearoid O'Muimeachain, London
That's another fine mesh you've got me into.
5. Sue Lee, Twickenham
When knitting and whisky collide.
4. Strike, Liverpool
The week went from bad to worse for Labour as Gordon Brown turned up for work on dress down day.
3. Paul Gibson, Billingham
Pauline Prescott introduces John's new secretary.
2. Matt Roberts, Exeter
Is the hat a bit much?
1. Howard at Lunch
You can never just say I look nice, can you?
YOUR LETTERS (FROM THURSDAY) FRIDAY 27 APRIL 1325 BST
MM note: Apologies. More letters will appear later today.
I'm amused to see the advertising hoarding in front of a local development of two new houses now proudly bears a sash proclaiming "Only one remaining". It seems to me that "50% still unsold" would be equally accurate.
Richard M,
Chorleywood
Is it my eyes, imagination, Monitor or a new conspiracy theory - Thursday's Paper Monitor seems to have "randomly" inserted italicised letters into otherwise normal words. I can see nine in the opening paragraph. Is it a secret message to MI5 agents or Noel's secret symbols...?
I will obey Mathter.
Pip,
Kettering
Paper Monitor's code had me on the edge of my seat. Although to my boss, who just walked past me as I stared cross-eyed at the screen, muttering letters out loud, it probably looked like I was trying to s..p..e..l..l.. a r..e..a..l..l..y long word. Again.
(I'm feeling a bit dizzy now.)
Anna Williams,
Amble, Northumberland
My lunch break:
1. Read Monitor
2. Cracked code
3. Compiled code for reply
4. Realised italics can't be used in comment box
5. Said *%£^ out loud and got stared at
6. Remembered that Thursday's letters don't get published anyway
7. Cheered up
Phil,
Gloucester
I think putting punctuation in your secret messages is a little over the top.
Paul Taylor,
Manchester, UK
I put together all the letters that WEREN'T in italics in Thursday's Paper Monitor, and it spelled out "The Monitor's workload is very low." You obviously have a lot of time on your hands. Maybe you should use it to print Thursday's letters on time.
Dr Swift,
Manchester
MM note: You're barred.
Re: Tie-less Nigel Reynolds of the Telegraph (Paper Monitor). We are confident that PM writes his screed in a proper dinner jacket and cummerbund. If this is not so, please don't tell us!
Curt Carpenter,
Dallas,Tx USA
Have I spotted a new verb "to broadband" in the article Insight into UK's digital habits?
Ian Wells,
Gt Yarmouth
Seen on the back of a very dirty van: "Fallow year, do not plough".
Nicky,
Newcastle, UK
PAPER MONITOR FRIDAY 28 APRIL 1022 BST
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
The Daily Mirror is on fire this week. Fresh from its John Prescott scoop (adorned with photos of the Deputy PM partying with his then lover - pics she'd asked her fiancé to get developed), the paper turns its attentions to the Tories. Balance, after all, is important.
The paper's snappers watch as David Cameron pedals off to work - "stopping only to pose for photos" - and then a few minutes later, his official car pulls up and the driver is handed his briefcase, a shirt and a pair of highly polished shoes.
A party spokesman tells the paper that if he could carry all his papers on his bike, he would. Paper Monitor has a suggestion: pannier bags. Or perhaps an eco-friendly wicker basket.
The Guardian falls on the story with some glee, adding that yesterday Mr Cameron enjoyed a very public tram ride in Bury... having arrived in Greater Manchester by helicopter.
Meanwhile, the Daily Telegraph's delight is piqued by the code hidden in the judgement on The da Vinci Code copyright case. For it offers the chance not only to puzzle over a poser but to sneer at Dan Brown and his "frankly childish" puzzles.
The planet-brained Christopher Howse sets about trying to crack the judge's "subtler" effort. While he does not manage it, one chat-roomer's suggested solution - kneverswastlandthenyofminglyouc - sounds to him "like someone shouting angrily from inside an oak-panelled courtroom that someone, or possibly both parties, has been wasting his time and never should again".
He he he. But will it spoil the fun to point out that the lawyer who first spotted it tells the Guardian he's only gone and solved it?
FRIDAY 28 APRIL
Thursday's Daily Mini-Quiz asked what's the maximum number of people now allowed to take part in a Faliraki bar crawl. Most of you opted for 50; it is in fact 100. Today being Friday, there's a pointless poll on the Magazine index.
PAPER MONITOR THURSDAY 27 APRIL 1144 BST
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
The Guardian calls it "Triple Whammy Wednesday", while the Daily Telegraph terms Labour's troubles "Bewitched, bothered, bewildered", above pictures of Charles Clarke (inadvertent liberator of foreign murder convicts); Patricia Hewitt (booed by nurses) and John Prescott (affair with secretary). The same three faces stare from the front page of the Independent, below the headline: "A sorry mess".
But haven't the papers underplayed Labour's "Black Day" (Metro) a little? What about the travails of former Labour leader Neil Kinnock, who, just as things were going belly-up in Downing Street, was appearing at Abergavenny magistrates' court where he was banned from driving for six months.
The Telegraph meanwhile throws the spotlight on the wronged woman in the Prezza saga - Pauline Prescott, whose "Bet Lynch-esque" outfits and "loud lipstick" are, perhaps, a little gaudy for your average Home Counties reader. The veiled sneering peaks in this line: "She is, apparently, terribly house-proud and likes to cut crusts off sandwiches which she serves with tea in delicate china cups."
The Daily Mail takes no hostages with the story, with a strap promising "exclusive pictures inside". Yet none of its photos of Prescott and mistress couldn't be seen in yesterday's or today's Mirror.
The Sun, reeling no doubt from seeing its arch rival get the exclusive on this prime piece of government "sleaze", demotes the story to the inside pages.
Aside from the Prescott tale, there's a small hint of just how office culture has changed at the Telegraph in the picture of reporter Nigel Reynolds, who climbed Nelson's Column 20 years after first scampering up the landmark for the very same paper. The 1986 snap of Reynolds shows him in hard hat, glasses, suit and tie. Today's snap has him in hard hat, glasses, suit and NO TIE. What next? Will the staff canteen be serving sandwiches with crusts shorn off?
THURSDAY 27 APRIL
Wednesday's Daily Mini-Quiz asked what the new Tesco stores opened in China were called. The answer was Happy Shopper - which a paltry 22% of you got correct. Some 45% of you thought it was Tesco and 33% opted for Ting Hsing. Today's DMQ is on the Magazine index.
YOUR LETTERS WEDNESDAY 26 APRIL 1640BST
In response to Van Art, letter on Tuesday. How about: "Dirtier than a Prescott at a secretary convention"?
Andrew Lawrence,
Sheffield, UK
I saw a comment written on a van that said: "The Magazine Monitor is not the place to introduce spurious 'have you seen amusing xyz' comments, it is in fact a place to send in humorous anecdotes about news.bbc articles and other current events and of course the friday letter asking where thursdays letters are"
and I swear I really saw that!
Owain Williams,
Munich
My favourite is: "DON'T clean me - plant a potato." I'm sure "Dave" would approve.
Darren Farr,
Billericay, England
A few months ago, I followed a Highway Maintenance van on which some wag had cheekily scrawled in the dirt: "Jam makers since 1987".
Ross,
Essex, UK
I've always enjoyed the Magazine and letters page but never felt driven to write in until now. I would like to complain about the lack of suspense in the daily mini quiz. As far as I can tell the answer to the question is always B. Please can you spice things up a bit to inject some much needed excitement into my day at work. Thanks.
Sophie,
London
Ambiguous title of the day - Church given star's Doctor script . For a moment I thought it was Charlotte Church...
Lester Mak,
London
Bother! Having been away I forgot that you've moved the Punorama comp result forward to Wednesday. I was going to propose "Cosmetic damage".
Muhammad Isa,
Watford
PUNORAMA ***UPDATED*** WEDNESDAY 26 APRIL 1257 BST
It's time for the Punorama results.
The rules are straightforward - we choose a story which has been in the news, and invite you to create an original punning headline for it.
This week's tale was that the cost of keeping Michael Howard in make-up during last General Election came to £3,638.
This week's most popular entry amongst the Monitor electorate is the Eye-Shadow Cabinet offered up by Kieran Boyle, in Oxford, Luke May, in Leicester, Catherine O, in Maidenhead and Tim Francis-Wright in Boston.
Variants included Eye-shadow secretaries of states (Gearoid O'Muimeachain, London), Eye-shadowy dealings (Gareth Jones, Frome), and Eye shadow prime minister (Craig Riley, Nottingham).
There were too many ghastly plays on Howard for "how would" to mention.
But there was some perfect punning on brand names, with T'Oreal from Sean Smith, in Bucks, His Tory Chanel, and Mike's Factor, both from Gareth Jones, in Anglesey.
There was plenty of power/powder play with Gareth Jones (again) bringing us The Powder & The Tory, Powdered to the people from Mark Shipley, Sandside, Cumbria, and Powder trip from Charlotte Foster, Cambridge
Mr Howard's lowest moment is remembered in Something of the nightcream about him by Stu Maddison, from Ealing, and (Something of the) Nightcream application from Derek Behan, Blackburn,Lancs.
In the miscellaneous corner is Lip schtick and old face from Simon Rooke, Nottingham, Tarty politics, and Collared on my lipstick, both from Richard Ryan, Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, Howard's Spend from Gareth Jones (again), Skin Doctors from Catherine O (again) and Are you pinking what we're pinking from Candace, New Jersey.
PAPER MONITOR WEDNESDAY 26 APRIL 1118 BST
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
Paper Monitor has all but been rendered speechless. What is there to say on seeing today's Daily Mirror other than emitting a high-pitched shriek?
The paper is adorned with snaps of a smiling John Prescott cavorting at a work do. Not a man to do things by halves, he is not content merely to indulge in a spot of dad-dancing.
Oh no. He is dad-dancing with one of his secretaries, catching her up in a wrestling-style hold, and - yes, there's more - grinning for the camera as she unbuttons his shirt. A thought so shocking that it has at last erased the mental image of Gordon Brown nude, which the Times was responsible for last month (although the replacement is hardly an improvement).
Elsewhere in the papers it's more sex sex sex. Other than the serious stuff obviously. There's Kevin Costner. Allegedly. Take it away, the Daily Mail, with a gem of a no-need-to-read-further headline: "HOLLYWOOD ACTOR ACCUSED OVER HIS HONEYMOON BREAK AT ST ANDREWS - COSTNER NAMED AS THE STAR 'WHOSE LEWD ACT SHOCKED A GOLF MASSEUSE'."
And Belinda Oaten, whose husband Mark ended his LibDem leadership bid after revelations of his affair with a male prostitute, tells of her pain in the Daily Telegraph. Well, via the pages of a glossy magazine.
The paper notes that the five-page Hello! interview - and accompanying glossy photos with daffodils and spaniels - will surprise those who thought she had adopted a policy of silence.
Paper Monitor is rather tickled by her description of the News of the World journalists who appeared outside the family home - the first hint of the storm about to break.
"I thought 'oh, they're just Jehovah's Witnesses'," she said. Perhaps a disguise the paper's undercover reporter Mazher Mahmood might like to consider now his fake sheikh schtick has been rumbled.
WEDNESDAY 26 APRIL
Tuesday's Daily Mini-Quiz asked how many phone complaints Radio 4 got about the UK Theme being ditched on the first day of absence? It was seven, which 16 percent of you correctly answered. About one-third thought it was one complaint, and 47 percent said 117. Today's DMQ is on the Magazine index.
YOUR LETTERS TUESDAY 25 APRIL 1611 BST
Anyone seen any interesting 'Van Art', by which I mean witty messages drawn on dirty vans. Some of the best I've seen are: "Bucket and sponge for sale"; "I wish my wife was as dirty as this van" and "Cleaned by NHS Contract Cleaners". Any more examples?
Sarah Williams,
Blackpool
I take it Mr Rusbridger Paper Monitor on Tuesday will water his car batteries without recourse to a hosepipe?
Peter Collins,
Belfast
How much did Michael Howard spend on make-up? Election make-up costs revealed. But it was worth it! Man, he's hot.
Adam,
London, UK
Re: Election make-up costs revealed. "The figures also reveal how thousands of pounds went on fancy dress costumes as the parties tried to inject some humour with pre-poll pranks. Labour spent £300 on Star Trek outfits in order to undermine an event being held by Tory former Cabinet Minister John Redwood. The Tories spent £3,500 on "Ground Hog Day" costumes imported from America. And the Liberal Democrats spent £4,800 on six suits for Mr Kennedy." I didn't think his suits were that funny.....
Anthony Dean,
Nottingham, UK
Re: Jez's letter on Monday, you've obviously not been trying hard enough. If you'd only gone as far back as "cabbaging" you'd have found links well before your earliest!
Lucy Jones,
Manchester
Regarding Steve's letter on Monday, I don't know - but I'd guess 'P'.
Jenll,
Coventry, UK
Re: Steve's letter on Monday, last time I drove past Scunthorpe, 7 of the letters had been stolen. Guess which ones?
Nick B,
Oxford, UK
There is a hairdressers in Wokingham called "Hairy Pop-ins"
Do I win?
Kev,
London
Reading Metro over someone's shoulder on the tube today, I couldn't help noticing that page 58 was almost completely reprinted as page 60. That was good as I could finish the article I was reading even after the page was turned when I was only half way through.
Martin Jordan,
Ingatestone
I used to read The Magazine Monitor religiously, then I found myspace, I had found a new toy to play with! after many weeks of messaging to my hearts content, Im back! but are we still talking about porridge?
Krystyna,
Peterborough
Re: Grey Goodson's porridgewatch, letter on Monday, for Porridge in a Hot Climate, you can soak the oats in cold milk for half an hour and then sprinkle with a little cinnamon or honey (or both). Mmmmm. My Glaswegian friend is outraged by this blasphemy, but I find that merely enhances the deliciousness.
Xrissi
Nicosia, Cyprus
PAPER MONITOR TUESDAY 25 APRIL 1043 BST
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
Two weeks ago the story was that young people couldn't change a plug. Now the Express brings us further evidence of the decline of Western civilisation - children can't eat with a knife and fork. It's all down to junk food, apparently.
There's no hint of the story in the Guardian, which is running a week-long campaign on the perils of bad eating. But, having been caught napping yesterday without a Diana lead - what, a Monday Daily Express without Diana on the front? - the Express is on fire today. "Diana seatbelt sabotage probe" runs the lead story.
What better excuse for running a clutch of photos of the late Princess buckling up with seatbelts...
The Mirror, meanwhile, is making a bid for Paper Monitor's much fabled over-descriptive-headline slot with the following: "Stab, stab, stab and stab again... neck, face and chest".
Finally, back to the Guardian, where editor Alan Rusbridger is busy getting one over on David Cameron by boasting about his new electric car, which appears to be about the size of a Tonka toy. Rusbridger looks every bit the Mr Bean, craning his head to be photographed in this souped-up milk float. Bizarrely, its batteries need watering once a fortnight! Guardian readers, who are by-and-large an eco-friendly bunch one presumes, will surely not begrudge the editor's habit of charging his car up on company electricity.
TUESDAY 25 APRIL
Monday's Daily Mini-Quiz asked y'all how far Jade Goody got in the London Marathon. The answer was 18.5 miles - which 495 of respondents got correct. Today's DMQ is on the Magazine index.
YOUR LETTERS MONDAY 24 APRIL 1821 BST
Regarding hairdressers' names. For those of you with a musical bent, there was once a shop in Putney High Street in the seventies called Jefferson Hairshop. (Jefferson Airship)
Mark,
Guildford, UK
In Scunthorpe there is a hairdressers called 'Public Hair'. Each time I drive past, one of the letters has been stolen. Guess which one.
Steve,
Barton
Many years ago, I worked in Dublin and there was a gents' hairdressers opposite our office named "Sean Wright". I think I was the only person in the office that saw the pun (but that really was the owner's name)!
JG,
Hitchin, UK
I think there is or used to be a hairdressers called "Crops and Bobbers" in Uxbridge.
Stella Alvarez,
Teesside, UK
The German language gives them a rather unfair advantage in hairdressing pun construction - I once saw a barber's shop named Herr Kutz.
Steve,
Cambridge, UK
Re The dying art of conversation: does having a row with my husband count as having a conversation(being lawyers, we can make it a really long row)?
Henri,
UK
Bryan's letter on Friday drew attention to the story about camel milk. Did anyone else find themselves thinking "Watch out, watch out, there's a Humphrey about"? I wish I knew why I did!
Ed,
Clacton, UK
Re Bryan Poor's letter on Camel's milk, surely it's the straw that broke the camel's back! I'll get my coat.
Anthony Finucane,
Dublin
Camel's milk eh? Well I suppose now they're probably cutting down on cigarette production they have to do something new... will skimmed camel's milk be known as camel lights?
PJ,
Barcelona
Re Stuart Moore's letter. The best ever juxtaposition of two news headlines was from a Matt cartoon in the Telegraph some years ago.
"Alan Clarke's ex-mistresses fly to London"
"Call for extra runway at Heathrow".
Michael Hall,
Croydon, UK
Mandy of Warrington (surely a Robin Hood character herself?) is surprisingly prophetic about Mike McShane's career. As anyone who has played 'Emperor: Battle for Dune' will know, he became the evil Baron Harkonnen and was subsequently bumped off by his son.
Edward Green, London, UK
According to Faces of the Week, Mike Nesmith invented the Pop video, and yet we all know it was Queen for Bohemian Rhapsody. However, The Beatles made various videos for their later songs, such as Strawberry Fields Forever and Penny Lane. Can anyone enlighten me as to what's going on?
Robin,
Edinburgh
After that letter asking for the very first Magazine front page, I've been trying to find the earliest general BBC News site...the earliest I've managed is May '99 about Louis Theroux. Can you link the earliest story? What's the earliest other readers can find?
Jez,
Bangor, North Wales
"Barrymore death father visit" - a complete verb-free headline. Also one with a double meaning; who was visiting who?
Rosie,
Sheffield, UK
May I suggest you start a "gobsmack-watch" within the magazine area as I have noticed the word being used in two separate magazine articles today with no link between the two stories: here and here
Pen,
London
Now spring is here, many will be casting their morning porridge aside in favour of lighter, more continental-style breakfasts, no doubt. A recommendation for all Porridgewatch die-hards - instead of just stirring said cereal, try whisking your porridge while it's in the pan. The happy result is a lighter, fluffier, more spring-like breakfast experience.
Grey Goodson,
Tynmouth
PAPER MONITOR Monday 24 April 1142 BST
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
The papers are awash with free DVDs. Because frankly who cares about the news these days. It's cheaply packaged classic films with no extras we want.
But what's this? No DVD drops out of any of the papers. Closer examination of the front page offers shows there are hoops to be jumped through.
In the Times, a free copy of the modern version of the Railway Children is available for anyone willing to send a text or a stamped address envelope.
But you have to wait 28 days. Don't they know anything about the attention spans of modern children. Any young scamp initially intrigued by the offer is likely to lose interest and go back to accumulating Asbos.
Over in the Sun it's a classic episode of Doctor Who every day, but only if you can be bothered heading off to a newsagent. In the Mail it's Billy Liar and again, one needs to get to a newsagent before the day is out.
In the Sun, it's been decided that Jade Goody's failure to complete the London Marathon is the only possible candidate for the front page.
Only the Sun can truly capture the gut-wrenching drama of the reality TV show star getting cramp.
The paper does not seem to be a fan of Ms Goody, dubbing her the "chubby fast food addict" and the "Big Brother dimwit".
It takes a fitness expert to note that the minor celebrity's almost total lack of training and reliance on Chinese takeaways may explain her failure to stay the course.
Over in the Mail, and also in the Sun, a long-standing myth is dispelled.
The Queen does carry money, if the evidence of her contribution to a church collection plate is to be believed - a "carefully-folded tenner".
Today's "great-minds-think-alike" prize goes to the subs at the Mirror and Mail who were struck by the similarities between the health secretary Patricia Hewitt's remarks on the NHS and former PM Jim Callaghan's "crisis? What crisis?" gaffe from 1979.
MONDAY 24 APRIL
On Friday, the right royal challenge was to find which pop star does not share a birthday with the Queen. The correct answer, Peter Frampton, was the least popular, chosen by only 23%, while the two pop star birthday boys, Iggy Pop and Robert Smith, were selected by 44% and 33% respectively.
The BBC is not responsible for the content of external websites.
~RS~q~RS~~RS~z~RS~30~RS~)
~RS~q~RS~~RS~z~RS~30~RS~)
One-Minute World News
News services
E-mail this to a friend
Printable version
Enlarge Image
