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THE MAGAZINE MONITOR
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Welcome to the Magazine Monitor, the home for:
- Daily Mini-Quiz results
- Paper Monitor
- Your letters
- Punorama (Weds)
- Caption Comp (Thurs)
- 10 things we didn't know (Sat)
10 THINGS WE DIDN'T KNOW THIS TIME LAST WEEK
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10 THINGS
10 inches of snow, by Chris Wybrew
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Snippets harvested from the week's news, chopped, sliced and diced for your weekend convenience.
1. The Himalayas cover one-tenth of the Earth's surface.
2. Pandas are the only bears not to hibernate - their bamboo diet isn't sufficiently fattening.
3. Lord Levy, recruited by Tony Blair to raise money for the Labour party, made his own fortune managing Alvin Stardust, among others.
4. In a fight between a polar bear and a lion, the polar bear would win.
5. Aston Barrett, the bassist in Bob Marley's band, has 52 children.
6. Tests conducted on a rare Chinese frog with no external eardrums have shown it uses ultrasound to communicate.
7. The 18th Century horse Eclipse, the ancestor of an estimated 80% of modern thoroughbreds, had only averagely long legs.
8. Nearly a third of people aged 25 to 34 in the UK have a tattoo, a survey has found.
9. More of those with tattoos (17%) work in media and marketing than do in the Armed forces (9%).
10. Shortly after the InterCity 125 was introduced, the UK had the highest proportion of trains running at more than 100mph of any country.
[Sources, where stories are not linked - 3: Guardian, 17 March. 6: Yahoo News, 15 March. 8 and 9: Discovery Real Time, 16 March ]
If you spot anything that should be included next week, use the form below to tell us about it. Thanks this week to Molly Swann, Wales, Bryce Cooke and Candace, New Jersey.
The BBC may edit your comments and not all emails will be published. Your comments may be published on any BBC media worldwide.
YOUR LETTERS FRIDAY 17 MARCH 1730 GMT
Re: Porridgewatch. I like toast with my porridge. Sometimes I dunk it. I'm even tempted to spread the porridge on the toast but manage restraint. Am I alone? Do I care?
Dave,
Thame, Oxfordshire
Porridge on sale in the cafeteria for the first time in ages this morning, had some strange looks when i started laughing to myself. Porridgewatch must end soon, before everyone thinks I have gone mad.
John, Leeds
In the quiz about the most tattooed profession (Daily Mini-Quiz, Thursday): the only way Media and Marketing would win would be if you included the barcodes on their foreheads and made them an honourary profession.
Kevin Waite,
Irvine, UK
So Lucy Jones believes that 'Men no longer proud to have a beer belly' is one of those Things We Knew Already (Monitor letters, Thursday). How did she know? Perhaps beer-drinking Mancunians display the shame of their body image more openly than us Londoners. Either way, I can confirm that lack of pride also extends to those of us with wine-bellies.
Steve,
London
Monitor, you are my beacon
Shining a path through my working day
Through the murky workload, your light comes a-peekin'
Until hometime comes and I can get away.
Monitor, oh Monitor, you make my work-weary heart swell.
Porridgewatch, Dianawatch, but who keeps a watch for you?
This burning love for you I cannot quell
And I will watch over you, Monitor, I will be true.
May your weekend be sunny and full of cheer,
May your breakfast be porridge-free,
Hope your Friday night is synonymous with beer,
Thanks for making the day more interesting for me.
(I'm bored, it's Friday, and this is the worst poem I have ever written, but it comes with affection.)
Amanda xxx,
Newcastle
Clue 26 in the Guardian's crossword: "unsteady ascent" is an anagram of "ascent" plus "ry" (railway) for track, making "ancestry". Peasy. Now this is a bit stringy, but given that Goldilocks ate porridge that was really for bears, I'd suggest "forebear" for 14. Or you could ask AQA.
Roy,
Helsinki, Finland
"Monitor readers with too much time on their hands..." you say. Surely not!
Sarah,
Edinburgh
The solutions to the crossword clues are both 'aardvark'. This is, in fact, the solution to all crossword clues. Anyone fancy a game of Mornington Crescent?
Ray Lashley,
Bristol, UK
I would like to propose a new flexicon entry: Catapoultry.
Mike,
Nottingham
How about publishing some of the worst captions sent in to the caption competion? I'm not referring to the 'unpublishable' entries - but those which are appaulingly obvious, devoid of humour and creativity? In this way those who, like me, try and fail week after week to submit a winning entry can feel that there's still some hope - and that our efforts are not entirely without merit. PS I have given a false name just incase - through some ironic quirk of fate - any of my previous entries happen to be among the first.
Ian Smith,
Farnborough, UK
The letter from Tim G,London (16th/17th) regarding the crossover of Puns/Captions struck a responsive chord.But may I suggest a shorter title than his.Why not rename both as "CAPUNORAMALGAM COMPETITION"?
Derek Behan,
Blackburn,Lancs
I've not had - nor have I craved - a cigarette for a week and a half now. Thank you monitor for your continued support.
Kristopher Bevan,
Stromness, Orkney
I've just put the kettle on, does anyone fancy a cuppa?
Graeme Dixon,
Woking, Surrey UK
CAPTION COMP ***UPDATED*** FRIDAY 17 MARCH 1230 GMT
It's time for the caption competition.
This week, a family in India daubed in coloured paint for the Holi Festival ride a motorbike under a giant poster of cricketers Andrew Flintoff and Michael Vaughan advertising a local beer. But what's being said?
6. Ketan Mistry, Dublin, Ireland
"Thanks for visiting Flint and Vaughan's adventure playground. Please come back soon!"
5. Valerie Falconer, Penarth, Wales
"Next time we visit the Mumbai Bike Respray Centre, we get off, OK?"
4. Ian Robinson, Dar es Salaam, Tanzania
Vaughan of the Dead.
3. Anne R, Fareham, UK
"That's positively the last time we go through the new celebrity car-wash."
2. Tim G, London
"Lose the last test? Ha! That's a good one! You'll more likely see a family dyed silver, purple and red drive past on a motorb... oh."
1. Kieran Boyle, Oxford, England
Freddy says: "Remember, Don't try to refill your own ink cartridges."
PORRIDGEWATCH FRIDAY 17 MARCH 1145 GMT
The Monitor's mission to chart the rise and rise of the wonder-breakfast.
Just two mentions to note today - though both indicate a level of our favourite dish seeping into popular consciousness.
On the one hand, virtual reality popster Murdoc, part of the imaginary pop band Gorillaz, says the actual reality chanteur James Blunt is a "scruffy, helium inhaling dwarf" whose music is like "porridge".
Wholesome, healthy, good for body and mind and keeps you going all day long? What's wrong with that?
Perhaps more sinister is this clue from today's Guardian crossword: "14. Porridge was in Goldilocks's 26 (8)"
If you really want to know, the clue for 26 is "Descent puts unsteady ascent on track (8)".
Monitor readers with too much time on their hands are invited to submit solutions.
PAPER MONITOR FRIDAY 17 MARCH 1030 GMT
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
Paper Monitor lives for days like today. And here are six reasons why.
1. STOCKBROKER SUDOKU! The Daily Mail launches a version of the game where the numbers one to nine are replaced with @, =,#, €, $, %, ¥, £ and &. That'll fox them.
2. There are 22 newsreader breasts on page 23 of the Mail. Seems a bit restrained really when the news peg is something as dramatic as Emily Maitlis falling out of her dress (except that she didn't, actually).
3. Meanwhile the Sun (edited by Rebekah Wade, the woman who led the charge against paedophiles when at the News of the World) has its Page Three models dressed in school uniform.
4. The Guardian has pictures of some of the greatest perms ever (see yesterday's Paper Monitor for the reason). Highlights (no pun intended) are Mariah Carey and Michael Bolton.
5. Buy shares in the Hoff. Hasselhoff wants to appear on Big Brother, the Mirror says.
6. Daily Express front page: "QUEEN'S ANGER AT INSULT TO DIANA"
YOUR LETTERS (FROM YESTERDAY) FRIDAY 17 MARCH 0925 GMT
MM note: apologies for the delay. Friday's letters will be published this afternoon.
During Celebrity Big Brother I was much disturbed by Jodie Marsh's unusually white and even teeth. After watching the C-listers arrive at the Basic Instinct premiere, I've nailed what it is that looks so wrong - young people with pensioners' teeth. For that's what cosmetic dentistry results in - dentures.
Howard,
Bakewell
Ralph wonders in Wednesday's letters about the frozen chicken fired at the Intercity 125. In the excellent Mythbusters series, a team of special effects guys subject various myths, stories and e-mail tall tales to something approaching scientific analysis. No less than four separate programmes have included the infamous "Chicken Gun". Their conclusion? A frozen chicken has greater penetrating power than a thawed one. So, the story may not be apocryphal after all.
Howard,
London
We've long wondered whether the Monitor is male or female. I now know - on Wednesday, Paper Monitor made a rude joke in the style of Beavis and Butthead. Definitely male, 30-something, watched the MTV duo in formative years.
Faith
Melbourne
Aha! Paper Monitor admits to having an 80s perm. My psychological profile of is complete. Female, mid to late 30s, still carrying emotional scars from teenage tonsorial experiments.
Ian,
Bristol
The runaway roo (Kangaroo on walkabout in Austria) reminds me of how an Austrian friend at university in the US had an educational T-shirt depicting a kangaroo inside a red circle with a diagonal line across, with words "There are no kangaroos in Austria!" Well, not exactly true, so I now gather.
Chris Palmer,
Cambridge UK
Re: Porridge watch. One of the HM Prison Service Office Canteens has a sign up saying "Now Serving: Porridge". That amused me for a few minutes.
Helen,
London
So to complement puns in the caption competition, now we have captions in Punorama? Can't you just call them the "Bi-Weekly Pictures for General Wit Deployment"?
Tim G,
London
Ooh! Ooh! A double whammy: Things We Knew Already and No Need To Read On: Men 'no longer proud' to have a beer belly, a survey suggests.
Lucy Jones,
Manchester
Interesting to see the pictures of long, tidy, empty cycle lanes with obstructions such as a single bollard rendering them useless. If only someone could invent a steering device for bikes, people would be able to cycle round them and carry on. I dread to think how cyclists cope when they take to the road in disgust and have to deal with workmen, pedestrians, parked cars, other cyclists etc.
Richard Ryan,
Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
FRIDAY 17 MARCH
In Thursday's Mini-Quiz, we asked which profession has the highest number of people with tattoos. Just 22% of you correctly answered media and marketing - 64% wrongly said the armed forces, and 15% teaching. Today's question - a St Patrick's Day special for the Pointless Poll - is on the Magazine index.
PUNORAMA **UPDATED** THURSDAY 16 MARCH 1321 GMT
It's time for Punorama.
The rules are straightforward - we choose a story which has been in the news, and invite you to create an original punning headline for it.
This week it's the queen, who had to walk by a huge portrait of herself painted by fans.
She was attending a luncheon with Australian Prime Minister John Howard in Melbourne and was in the country to officially open the Commonwealth Games.
A very popular punsters' theme this week was a twist on a very well-known royal catchphrase. One is not a muse! came in from Anne R in Fareham UK and Tim G in London, among others.
James W from Sydney, Australia, went for We are amused, while Mike Gavin in London came up with We are not confused.
Another popular saying - this time of a very popular Australian - also inspired many. Nat in Manchester, Darren in Leicester and Aimie in Hants all went for the Rolf Harris catchphrase Can you tell what it is yet? While Violette Cameron in Sarajevo, Bosnia gave it a royal twist with Can one tell what it is yet?"
With a nod towards the cheeky is Tony Doyle in Wilmslow with Does ones' crown look big in this? Let's hope it doesn't get him beheaded.
But showing the appropriate respect is Helene Parry in Brentford Lock, London, who suggests Dual Britannia. How very proper.
PAPER MONITOR THURSDAY 16 MARCH 1120 GMT
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
Say what you will about the perm, beloved of soft rockers and 70s footballers, but it makes for an eye-catching, cringe-making photo. And when given an opportunity to have tonsorial-challenged pics of Leo Sayer, Madonna, Kevin Keegan, Maradona, Catherine Zeta Jones and Frankenstein's bride ON THE SAME PAGE, no newspaper picture desk is going to say no.
For it is the 100th anniversary of the permanent wave, and the Times marks the occasion not only with this photo spread but with the worrying news that the perm is making a comeback. Blame it on the music, kids, for Madonna's disco flick is permed in place and Sayer's curls are in the charts.
Now dodgy perms have a place rather close to Paper Monitor's heart (although no longer its head) so it's a treat to read in the Times just how arduous the process originally was.
Its inventor, German émigré Karl Nessler, experimented on his wife for a decade, inadvertently burning off all her hair and scalding her scalp not once but twice.
But the demo at his Oxford St salon resulted in brand new curls for his long-suffering wife, who had her hair wrapped around 12-in brass rods connected to an electric chandelier, with a system of pulleys to keep the heavy bars off her scalp. After dousing her locks with sodium hydroxide, Nessler heated the rods to 212F (100C) for five hours.
The Daily Mail notes that "early perms were harsh and drying and left the hair in tight frizzy curls that were difficult to manage". So little change there then, speaks PM's voice of bitter 1980s experience.
THURSDAY 16 MARCH
In Wednesday's Daily Mini-Quiz, we asked when Julius Caesar was assassinated, seeing as it was the Ides of March. The answer, correctly identified by a good number of you - 47% - was 44BC. Today's question is on the index now.
YOUR LETTERS WEDNESDAY 15 MARCH 1630 GMT
The story about the replacement for the Intercity 125 reminds me of a (probably apocryphal) story. During the testing stage, experiments were carried out to investigate the effect of bird strikes. In order to do this, dead chickens were fired from an air cannon at the windscreen. The first test demonstrated that a chicken travelling at 100 mph would penetrate the windscreen, pass through the bulkhead and bury itself in the engine. Further trials were halted while urgent discussions were held to decide whether the new train needed to be redesigned and strengthened. The outcome was that the chicken should be defrosted before use.
Ralph
Cumbria
The current BBC Newswatch front page: a puff piece for a BBC programme juxtaposed against an article denying the BBC over uses puff pieces for BBC programmes... Congratulations on the use of irony.
Richard
London
Re: Marmite jars and glass being a liquid. Please stop perpetuating this rot, everybody knows that glass is an amorphous solid.
Steve
Dagenham
In relation to your Porridgewatch, I found this story from La Crosse, Wisconsin. Police: Man Pulls Gun After Oatmeal Prank. A 20-year-old man who awoke after a party to find himself covered in syrup and dry oatmeal is the one facing a criminal charge after authorities say he turned a gun on the man who admitted pulling the prank.
Liz
London
Please can we finish with the porridge thing? I hate the stuff and the picture of it when you scroll down on this page makes me feel highly nauseous every time I see it. What's wrong with corn flakes? Now they're yummy. Down with porridge!
Sara
Birmingham
Which reminds me.. must buy some porridge - nearly run out.
Jenny Embleton
Aberdeen
PUNORAMA WEDNESDAY 15 MARCH 1302 GMT
It's time for Punorama.
The rules are straightforward - we choose a story which has been in the news, and invite you to create an original punning headline for it.
This week it's the queen who had to walk by a huge portrait of herself painted by fans.
She was attending a luncheon with Australian Prime Minister John Howard in Melbourne and was in the country to officially open the Commonwealth Games.
Add your puns using the form below.
The BBC may edit your comments and not all emails will be published. Your comments may be published on any BBC media worldwide.
PORRIDGEWATCH WEDNESDAY 15 MARCH 11OO GMT
The Monitor's ongoing effort to crack the porridge conspiracy.
Seven mentions of porridge in today's papers, including:
- Times hack Damien Whitworth reveals he had it for breakfast on Saturday.
- An Irish manufacturer is celebrating a deal to supply porridge for Asda.
- The Mirror encourages people to eat porridge because it releases energy slowly.
Stay vigilant everyone.
PAPER MONITOR WEDNESDAY 15 MARCH 1045 GMT
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
Tomorrow it will be David Cameron's 100th day in charge of the Conservatives, and how best to illustrate the impact he has made?
The Guardian has commissioned a poll asking, among other questions, what type of car would he be? A BMW 5 series sports car, voters say (PM wonders how "green" this car is, please use the form in the usual manner).
"Voters like the things [he] likes, including his home, his choice of shoes and his clothes. As a result, they think he is like us," notes the paper. But as PM has remarked before, his supposedly favourite pair of Converse trainers are so scuff-free they seem saved for off-duty photo opportunities only.
And the Daily Telegraph breaks down his "new Conservative brand" into handy bite-size chunks.
"Ipod [sic]: likes to listen to the Smiths, Radiohead, Bob Dylan and Arctic Monkeys... Hobbies: Took home prizes for his courgettes and tomatoes in the local village competition."
The paper also has a wonderful pic of Dan "da Vinci Code" Brown snapped mid-air while jumping from a walkway to try and avoid being photographed leaving the High Court. That went well, eh Dan?
And the Daily Mail lands on its feet with the story of the man asking for a bigger house. Not only is this a story seemingly made on Daily Mail Island (TM TV Go Home), it is blessed with a gem of a no-need-to-read-further headline: "BRITAIN'S GOING DOWN THE PAN, SAYS MAN REFUSED BIGGER COUNCIL HOUSE FOR WIFE, MISTRESS AND 14 CHILDREN".
Meanwhile, PM would like to stress that it has far from a one-track mind, able at times to be engaged by up to two topics at once. But while flipping through the Times, PM was brought up short by this photo caption: "The fossa has the biggest penis bone in the cat world". Heh-heh-heh. The Times said "bone".
WEDNESDAY 15 MARCH
In Tuesday's Daily Mini-Quiz, we asked how much Crufts-winning pooch Chance was worth. The answer, correctly identified by the slimmest of majorities of you - 50.24% - was £35,000. Today's question is on the index now.
YOUR LETTERS TUESDAY 14 MARCH 1650 GMT
Of course, Murdoch's hyping of bloggers and blogging has nothing at all to do with his having purchased Myspace.
Anthony
London
Speaking of the old elite moving on, The McClatchy Company bought 32 Knight Ridder newspapers and is immediately selling a dozen of them, including Philadelphia.
Candace,
New Jersey, US
The Mirror tried to fox the rail inquiries phone line. But it obviously never tried the infamous Odeon voice recognition telephone line (now replaced) which had particular difficult with 'Newcastle' when said in a Geordie accent.
Basil Long,
Newark Notts
You've spelt Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch wrong.
Quin,
Twickenham
Re: Porridgewatch. My vet has just prescribed an oatmeal and honey rub for my dog's skin problem, rather than the antiseptic ointment he used to have.
Susan Thomas,
Brisbane, Australia
There was porridge on my breakfast table for the first time in at least 15 years this morning. All thanks to the Monitor. Thanks guys!
Rockingham
The weather lady on BBC Breakfast has been recommending the stuff. Is this a media conspiracy? Don't call me paranoid, but I suspect that the hand of the huge Porridge-Industrial complex is at play here.
Ali McDonald,
Delft, Netherlands
Very embarrassed to admit it but I was caught watching the Paul O'Grady show yesterday and who should come on but world champion porridge maker Duncan Hilditch showing off his unique recipes! I was sceptical about the whole porridge thing before, but now you can call me converted!
Dave Stuart,
Southampton
Can I nominate Plumbing mishap sends beer to woman's kitchen taps as a headline that renders the reading of the relevant story simultaneously unnecessary and irresistible? And then rather disappointing, when you realise that, yes, it's just a story about a woman in Norway who found beer coming out of her kitchen taps.
Ian Rutt,
Bristol, UK
I need my shower repaired. Has anyone got a contact for a Norwegian plumber?
William,
Woking
Not a peep from Kristopher Bevan in Stromness, who was Why water levels have run so low: "According to the Met Office, there are equal chances of dry, normal or wet weather for the south of England over the next few months." It's good to know the experts have a good idea of what's going on. Say it with me. We. Don't. Know.
Bas,
London
Re: Marmite introducing squeezable jars. As glass is a highly viscous liquid, rather than a solid, aren't the jars already imperceptibly squeezable?
Phil,
Gloucester
What's with all the dogs? I don't like dogs.
Anna,
Surrey
PORRIDGEWATCH TUESDAY 14 MARCH 1103 GMT
The Monitor's ongoing mission to chart the rise and rise of porridge. The breakfast, not the sitcom.
Timing is everything in this trend-spotting businesses. And the launch of Porridgewatch on Thursday was followed by Friday's revelation that sales of porridge have risen by 88%. That's the kind of acuity you have come to expect from the Monitor.
Last night's Edinburgh Evening News reported that the company behind the country's first "porridge bar" (a cafe, not a piece of confectionary) has seen such good business that it is planning to open outlets across the country. Well, in Glasgow and Leamington Spa, anyway. (More details here.)
Any more sightings of porridge-related news, please inform us in the usual manner.
PAPER MONITOR TUESDAY 14 MARCH 1056GMT
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
What is it that's brought the merest hint of a smile to Paper Monitor's face today?
Is it the Sun's picture of Reese Witherspoon looking like Crazy Frog? No.
Is it the pseudonym chosen by the Telegraph to accompany an Oxford student's confession of plagiarism? No (but not many newspapers would have the class to make up the name Jonathan D'arcy).
Is it the long pastiche of a Sir Ian Blair phone conversation as imagined by the Mail's Richard Littlejohn? Definitely not. (Copper: "I think we've made a ghastly mistake. We may have shot the wrong man." Blair: "He's not gay is he?...Let's hope not for your sake. You know my zero tolerance of homophobia.")
Is it the realisation that Monitor readers are once again ahead of the pack, with the Guardian's Leo Hickman writing at length about whether it's better for the environment to use paper towels or a hand-dryer? No, not even that.
It's a small article in the Sun which has had this strange effect. The report of a speech Rupert Murdoch gave on Monday night to the Worshipful Company of Stationers and Newspaper Makers, it includes his observation that power in the media is moving from the "old elite" of newspaper chiefs to a young generation of consumers.
Now Paper Monitor doesn't have any particular axe to grind with Mr Murdoch. But it does know he's an incredibly shrewd fella. And if he says this, speaking as the biggest of the "old elite" that there is, then there must be some truth to it. In a way it's a bit of a revolution, and Paper Monitor is honoured to be around to notice it happening.
TUESDAY 14 MARCH
On Monday we asked you what change Marmite is undergoing, its biggest for 104 years. In the end 50% of you got it wrong, saying the salt content was going to be reduced, but 48% of you guessed correctly and said squeezable jars are being introduced. Only 2% actually thought an orange flavoured Marmite would soon be on breakfast tables. Tuesday's question is on the index now.
YOUR LETTERS 13 MARCH 1634GMT
Has the Paper Monitor been gagged? Has MI5 infiltrated the Magazine? Given the Express's front page today (well, it is a Monday), where's the mention of Diana watch? I think we should be told...
Stig
London
Shame on you, Paper Monitor. The Daily Express offers you a real cherry of a headline Diana Death: Inquest a sham and you choose to ignore it in favour of nuclear powered spaceships and cage fighting. Clearly the Express is going to push for a new inquest, thus justifying many weeks worth of new Diana headlines. We wait with bated disbelief.
Dave Godfrey
Swindon, uk
The illustration used for The 'butter-side-down' school of science is a bizarre mix of basic chemistry, general relativity and Pythagorean geometry. The equation e=mc^2 would only be useful if you were planning to convert the toast into energy, although Pythagoras' theorem may help if you simply want to cut the toast into (right-angled) triangles for your toast rack. Perhaps the bunsen burner is to make the toast in the first place?
Richard
Newport
In response to Maggie's letter Monitor letters how about "school dropouts cut in half" as a newspaper headline with two meanings?
Jess
Essex
To Maggie appeal for headlines with two meanings, how about this for a headline: Australian Shepherd wins Crufts.
Graeme
Dundee, Scotland
Re: Porridgewatch. The Independent Online notes in Meet the star of British breakfast tables that Paula Radcliffe eats porridge with bananas and honey for breakfast on race days.
Candace
New Jersey, US
PAPER MONITOR MONDAY 13 MARCH 1130GMT
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
Weary Monday morning commuters might rub their eyes in surprise at the front page of the Guardian, which shows a picture of a nuclear-powered spaceship, patented by British railway authorities in the 1970s.
This was the age of space exploration - and the railway boffins were designing transport services powered by "laser-controlled thermonuclear fusion".
What would these ambitious rail chiefs have made of the story in the Daily Mirror showing what technology has really meant for public transport users?
It's not rocket science. It's much more complicted than that, it's an automated timetable service. The Daily Mirror rang the timetable line for Virgin Trains which uses voice recognition software that asks for the destination.
"Llainfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch," says the Mirror's inquirer.
"So you want to travel to St Ives ... Did I get that right?" says the automated voice.
Maybe put the plans for the space craft on the back burner for now.
As an early-warning trend-spotting service to readers, take a note of the Guardian's story about this week's "cage fighting" event, to be held in Manchester and to be refereed by former boxing champion, Mike Tyson.
Described in the United States as "human cock fighting", it involves opponents punching, kicking and battering each other within a cage. And it has all the potential for many gory features to follow.
Another trend, much beloved by the papers and which also sounds like a martial art, is sudoku. This is now sufficiently established to have had its first world championship, held in Italy, and won by a Czech economist, who comes from a town appropriately called Most.
But if the interest of newspapers drifts elsewhere, another puzzle question might be whether there will be a second world championship.
On a more sombre note, the Times raises the question of how the eventual passing of the final veterans of the First World War should be marked.
It has been suggested that there should be a full state funeral for the very last British serviceman or woman from the Great War.
There are now believed to be nine surviving veterans - with the obituary of the last aircraftswoman, Alice Baker, who died at the age of 107, also appearing in Monday's edition of the Times.
MONDAY 13 MARCH
With computers struggling to cope with spam overload, Friday's Pointless Poll on the Magazine index asked which spam letters would you most want to respond to:
- Assist the widow of a Nigerian prince?
- Buy some medicinal assistance?
- Update your account with a fake bank?
Forty-two percent of you went for the medicinal assistance. The Pointless Poll will be back on Friday. In the meantime a new Daily Mini-Quiz is on the Magazine index.
The BBC is not responsible for the content of external websites.
~RS~q~RS~~RS~z~RS~55~RS~)
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