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THE MAGAZINE MONITOR
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Welcome to the Magazine Monitor, the home for:
- Daily Mini-Quiz results
- Paper Monitor
- Your letters
- Punorama (Weds)
- Caption Comp (Thurs)
- 10 things we didn't know (Sat)
10 THINGS WE DIDN'T KNOW THIS TIME LAST WEEK
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10 THINGS
10 soapy glove fingers, pictured by Eileen Sanders, Spain.
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Snippets harvested from the week's news, chopped, sliced and diced for your weekend convenience.
1. Only children are the least likely to be able to make other people laugh, say psychologists. Only 11% of children without siblings have this talent.
2. Newspapers in the UK have given away 54 million DVDs this year, about the same number as have been sold by retailers.
3. The original film footage of the first Apollo XI moon landing has been lost.
4. There are 32,000 workers living on-site at the production centre in China where iPods are manufactured.
5. Televisions with plasma screens can consume four times as much electricity as cathode ray tube televisions.
6. Involuntary bad language, a symptom affecting about one in 10 people with Tourette's syndrome, is called "coprolalia".
7. There's an A-level in critical thinking - Theo Walcott's girlfriend, Melanie Slade, passed it.
8. The town of Barga in Tuscany claims to be "the most Scottish in Italy" - and this week held its annual Scottish festival.
9. There are two million cars and trucks in Brazil which run on alcohol.
10. Watching television can act as a natural painkiller for children, say researchers from the University of Siena.
[Sources, where stories are not linked - 2: Reuters, 18 August; 5: The Observer, 13 August; 7: Daily Mirror, 18 August.]
If you spot anything that should be included next week, use the form below to tell us about it.
The BBC may edit your comments and not all emails will be published. Your comments may be published on any BBC media worldwide.
YOUR LETTERS FRIDAY 18 AUGUST 1644 BST
Re Gibson told to attend AA meetings: how exactly is someone as famous as Mel Gibson supposed to attend AA. He's half there but I think the second A is going to be tough.
Martin, Stirling
Re Melanie Slade's A-level in criticial thinking along the lines of "Don't forget to breathe!" or "Fire is hot!" .. Wait ... Oh, that sort of critical.
Kit the Ex-Pat, Hungary
7 Days, 7 Questions from Christina, Aberdeen. The OED reckons the definition of "hinny" includes to "neigh like a horse"; surely that is a "whinney"? Source Jean M Auel book, Plains of Passage.
Ian, Horsham, UK
MM note: Christina is right. The OED has "hinny" as a verb, as used by the likes of playwright Ben Jonson.
I am really fed up with your quizzes now. Not only have I read "l'Etranger" in French, I did some A-level coursework about it (also in French) and got an A. But with the current hoo-ha about valueless A-levels, I suppose that matches 3/7.
Lucy Jones, Manchester
Re Jessica's quest for a new name for the planet; in the final book of the late Douglas Adams' Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy trilogy (in five parts), Mostly Harmless, a 10th planet is discovered. In the book it's popular name is "Rupert". I suggest that life should immitate art and 2003 UB319 be renamed "Rupert".
Howard, London, UK
Honestly, if you're going to try and name a planet(oid)/pluton/icy dwarf, at least have the decency to get its current provisional name right. It's 2003 UB313, not 309, nor 319, as these are entirely different bodies.
Neil Golightly, Manchester
Magners weren't the first to think of the cider with ice combination - any dedicated Withnail and I fan will recall Withnail's order in the Mother Black Cap pub: "Two large gins. Two pints of cider. Ice in the cider." Given the pair are embarking on one of their numerous binges, does adding ice to cider make it more potent?
Maurice Day, Bootle
Travel agent to shelve brochures: I'm not sure that's a new idea, is it (as the nice accompanying photo seems to demonstrate)?
Robert, Banbury
Silly PM! You don't know your Latin. It must be blonda filia. I am assuming that you are referring to the female of the species. Sorry, unclassified for you.
Claire Powell, Belgium
CAPTION COMP ***UPDATED*** FRIDAY 18 AUGUST 1243 BST
It's time to vote for the winning caption.
This week, it's performers from the 60th Fringe Festival in Edinburgh. Walking up the Royal Mile, their lack of a certain - rather important - item of clothing amuses some workmen.
Cast your vote for the best entry using the box below.
1. Mike Simpson, Leicester, UK
Zany satirical undergraduates with no trousers. A nation yawns.
2. Iain Harvey-Smith, Hatfield
"It must be dress-down Friday, Steve."
3. Mike, Newcastle upon Tyne
Metrosexuality is explained on the NVQ Bricklaying Diversity Awareness module.
4. Jon Dempsey, Crosby, Liverpool
Bradford and Bingley hit hard times.
5. Steve, Notts
Government officials on their way to show Ryanair what future security checks will involve.
6. Simon Rooke, Nottingham, UK
"Oh no! Not that dream again!"
PAPER MONITOR FRIDAY 18 AUGUST 1106 BST
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
What's up with the Daily Telegraph?
There's nary a sighting of the species that inhabits its front page the day after A-level results are announced, the Blondus fillius huggingeachother. Instead, there is that lesser sighted species, Laddus smilingus andpunchingair.
But those pining for the beautiful plumage of the Blondus fillius need only turn to pages 22 and 23, where amidst the heart-warming tales of A-level triumph over adversity is a photo of supermodel student Lily Cole, who has secured a place at Cambridge. Sadly, she's not hugging anyone. But doesn't she look fetching!
Lily's smiling visage also beams from the front page of the Times, alongside an assortment of other attractive lassies who did jolly well (as well as the youngest and oldest pupils, aged 12 and 78 respectively).
No fresh-faced smilers in the Independent (so no change there). Instead an assortment of Labour luminaries concur with John Prescott's reported remarks that "BUSH IS CRAP".
And back to A-levels, the Sun, Daily Mirror, Daily Mail and Metro content themselves with snaps of Melanie Slade, girlfriend of little Theo Walcott, who has scored an A-level in critical thinking. Nah, Paper Monitor hasn't a clue either.
FRIDAY 18 AUGUST
Thursday's Daily Mini-Quiz asked where did the term "broadcasting" come from? Most people plumped for "artillery" but unlikely as it seems, it was "farming" - well done to the 42% of respondents who got it right. "Broadcasting" was originally a farming term for spreading seed widely.
YOUR LETTERS THURSDAY 17 AUGUST 1623 BST
Today's mini-quiz says that Dixons are no longer selling analogue radios. Erm, Dixons haven't been selling anything since this story: RIP Dixons. And anyway, is this the same Dixons that said about a year ago that it wouldn't be selling VCRs anymore? My local Currys.digital doesn't seem to be on-message.
John Coulthard, Bath, UK
In answer to Jessica's request for a better name for planet 2003 uB319, it has to be in the best tradition of turning the letters upside down - 61EBn - bie(B German ss)n - Bison?
Janet Hayes, Pontypool, Wales
If 2003 UB303 is somewhere near Pluto, perhaps it should be called Goofy?
Adam, London, UK
Re: 2003uB319. How about Urelbow? Most people can't distinguish it from Uranus.
Bill, Halifax
If you turn 2003uB319 upside down, it reads GIEBNEOOZ - which strikes me as an excellent name for an obscure planet.
peter collins, belfast
Enough of all these pretentious names for planets - we've had enough of Jupiters, Plutos, Venuses, and other Classical figures. The new planet should have a name that reflects the modern society in which it's name was conceived. So: Charlene, Tyler, Mercedes or even -yikes - Ikea...
Blackwood, Edinburgh
To Steven from Aberdeen, thinking he's cracked the mystery of the Monitor's gender. The only thing we can safely deduce from 'Packing it all in' is that Denise Winterman is a female or a long-haired male. Monitor itself remains a msystery.
Ben, Bristol
Jel, there is no need to ask flexicologists to find a word to describe putting the question before the answer. The correct term to use is the acronym LBQ. Obviously you weren't around here in those days. It brought pleasure to millions and to win its most coveted prize was akin to being awarded an OBE. The world is a sadder place without it. Soon may it return.
Mike (LBQ Keyring winner), Newcastle upon Tyne
After one of the hottest summers on record, I finally had my car's air conditioning fixed a fortnight ago. It's been cold and rainy ever since. I almost feel better about the fact it's stopped working again.
Tom Calvert, Northiam, UK
PAPER MONITOR THURSDAY 17 AUGUST 1146 BST
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
Another day, another banner front page - actually two - for the Independent to pose questions for our age. Its first edition asks: "THE A-LEVEL: ARE EXAMS GETTING EASIER, AND IF SO, IS THERE AN ANSWER?"
It follows this with not one, not two, but seven - count 'em - further questions:
"Why are we asking this question now?"
"Is that the only problem?"
"What are..."
Well, you get their drift.
But in later editions, the paper pushes such conundrums to the inside pages in order to devote its front page to claims that John Prescott has taken a pop at the US president (look away now if robust language offends):
"BUSH IS CRAP, SAYS PRESCOTT. DEPUTY PM CRITICISES US HANDLING OF THE MIDDLE EAST, CONDEMNING 'COWBOY' PRESIDENT AT PRIVATE MEETING."
Paper Monitor hastens to add that Mr Prescott has since issued a strongly-worded denial: "This is an inaccurate report of a private conversation and it is not my view."
Indeed it is not. For the Deputy PM has great enthusiasm for cowboys. He told just last month how his long-standing love of Westerns meant he jumped at the chance to see a working "cattley [sic] ranch" when invited by Dome-owning billionaire Philip Anschutz.
Now let that be the end of the matter.
THURSDAY 17 AUGUST
Yesterday's Mini-Quiz followed the reprieve for Pluto's status as a planet by asking for the original meaning of the the word "planet". The correct answer, wanderer, was identified by a narrow majority of 51%. Today's DMQ is on the Magazine index.
YOUR LETTERS WEDNESDAY 16 AUGUST 1611 BST
We really need a slightly more catchy name for 2003 uB319 - any suggestions, fellow Magazine readers?
Jessica, feeding her MM addiction on holiday in France
From reading Packing it all in, I can safely deduce that Monitor is either a female or a long-haired male. Short-haired males use combs, not hairbrushes!
Steven, Aberdeen
I should like to complain about the midweek quiz. Geniuses are famously bad at coping with Real Life and being aware of the world around them, and therefore a true genius would not get many right on the Genius Quiz. Like me. Y'see?
Lucy Jones, Manchester
Re: Deborah from Johannesburg's query as to who the hell are the Hamiltons, and what do they do (Tuesday letters)? I couldn't have put it better myself.
Si, Leicestershire
Deborah from Johannesburg, count yourself lucky!
Lewis Graham, Hitchin, UK
You really must get out of the habit of putting the cart before the horse - or rather the answer ("Welcome to National Rail enquiries. Please hang up now") before the question (What do railways reveal about the state of a country? - as per today's Magazine index. "Premature interrogation" seems to get things backwards - perhaps a flexioneer can coin a term for the syndrome?
Jel, Swansea
Another entry for the fantastic name watch - Paisley Yoda from the Grape Expectations story. Anyone else left with an excellent mental image??
Susa, UK
Re: Oliver serves up fat suit warning. Isn't it rather ironic that in the photo of Jamie Oliver meeting the PM to discuss poor diets that there is a huge plate of donuts in the foreground.
Mark, Reading, UK
According to the BBC Weather Five Day Forecast for London, it's supposed to be a maximum of 1777C today. Fortunately it's supposed to be a little cooler tomorrow - just 21C...
Martin, High Wycombe, UK
PUNORAMA ***UPDATED*** WEDNESDAY 16 AUGUST 1201 BST
American staple: Pancakes and maple syrup
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The rules are as simple as could be: we pick a story in the news, you come up with a punning headline.
This week's story was about the maple syrup diet - the what? You heard it right the first time. Health food shops are said to have seen a surge in sales of Madal Bal Natural Tree Syrup after fashion magazines reported on its popularity in Europe.
The syrup, made from the sap of maple and palms trees, has been credited with helping dieters lose up to a stone in 10 days.
So Magazine readers - how did you do?
Running with the same theme are Michael Daw in Bristol with Syrup of fibs?, Chris in Witney and Speed in Armagh, NI, both with Syrup of Twigs, Richard Peers in Croydon with Syrup of Pigs and That'll be the syrup of figures then from double punner Gary Williams in Weston-syruper-Mare - get it?
Inspired by the pancake picture is Sue Lee in Twickenham with Skinny Flipping and there's an honourable mention for Nigel Macarthur in London who offered The gold madal slimmer, K in Oxford for Golden Madal Losers and Derek Behan in Blackburn for Treemendous syrup deserves a gold madal"say dieters.
A saucy offering comes from Neal Berridge in Nottingham, who sent in A bit of sap and trickle helps you lose weight.
There's The maple syrup diet? - leaf it out! from Mark Wrighton in London, Syruptitious weight loss will slacken those pants from Paul Carrier in Ware and Syrupticiously taking over the world from Rob Powell in Cardiff.
Last lines go to Doug Hooker in the UK with Maple tree companies palm cash from saps and Simon Rooke in Nottingham with Saps swallow any old sap. Oooh, harsh.
PAPER MONITOR WEDNESDAY 16 AUGUST 1045 BST
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
Paper Monitor suspects the Sun might have choked on its cornflakes this morning.
For those who are not regular readers of the nation's favourite redtop, yesterday's Sun featured photos of Princes Harry and Wills revelling in a nightclub. The main image showed Harry, well, erm, appearing to let his hand wander rather close to a young lady's decolletage. The newspaper further suggested that the Army officer might have some explaining to do to girlfriend Chelsy Davy.
But 24 hours on and page six of the Currant Bun carries an apology admitting that the photos were taken in a different nighclub in 2003, when the prince and Chelsy were not an item, and not this summer as suggested by the paper. It also apologises to Natalie Pinkham, the object of the prince's affection, for using the photos without her permission.
Very strange how the Sun could get dates and places mixed up. Particularly as they claimed to have spoken to an anonymous "fellow reveller" who had seen the lot. How mean of him to suggest that Chelsy would be upset and not to alert the Sun to the real vintage of the photos. Those pesky anonymous revellers/friends/onlookers/passersby.
Paper Monitor is not sure that the two-page spread inside today's Sun is in the spirit of the humble apology. Not only is yesterday's front page reproduced, with its permission-lacking photo, but it is accompanied by a paean to the "greatest playboy prince" and a description of him as "Teflon-plated".
The Daily Mail also seems to be in a state of mild confusion. Its coverage of the incident starts by mentioning the photographs were "allegedly stolen" but then helpfully displays them across two pages. Now PM is also confused.
Elsewhere, the Independent has a poster front page, highlighting the 3,023 new criminal offences Labour have created since taking office. Coincidentally, PM suspects this might also be the number of poster front pages the Indy has had since Labour took office.
WEDNESDAY 16 AUGUST
Yesterday's Mini-Quiz asked which star had worked in a cancer hospital as a community service punishment. The answer, spotted by 72%, was Winona Ryder. Today's DMQ is on the Magazine index.
YOUR LETTERS TUESDAY 15 AUGUST 1630 BST
We're used to living with media London-centricity but your Unsung Landmarks piece takes the biscuit. "North and Scotland" covers everything from Cheshire upwards?! Meanwhile the remaining quarter of the UK is divided into three different regions. Next time why not go the whole hog and just have "London" and "other". Tsk.
Duncan, Edinburgh, Scotland
Editor's note: The distribution of short-listed landmarks is broadly a reflection of the number of suggestions we received from readers.
So, four letters from men re women's sex drive. Where are the women's letters? In fact, a secure man stops caring about his woman's needs, disguised as "tenderness" in the article, while a secure woman gets used to being treated as a sexual dustbin.
A secure wife
With reference to the letter "the Hamiltons have just sat down next to my mate... It seems they'll even attend the opening of an e-mail. I've noticed these people popping up in the Monitor. Excuse the ignorance of a South African sitting in Johannesburg, but who the hell are they, and what do they do?
Deborah, Johannesburg, South Africa
Re the 50 coolest websites story - where is the Magazine Monitor on this list?
Tom, CI
The photo caption in the "Overweight 'top world's hungry'" article reads: "The number of people overweight has topped £1bn across the world". Is this a case of a misplaced pound?
PS, Birmingham, UK
According to your headline today, the US is "better on Potter than Blair". Well to be fair, he does have a country to run and probably not much time to read children's books. (Standard Ambiguous Headline Phraseology Joke #7)
Paul Taylor, Leeds, UK
PAPER MONITOR TUESDAY 15 AUGUST 1020 BST
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
Ok, forget what Paper Monitor said yesterday about Silly Season stories taking a back seat to the big, important news of the day. The Sun blows that observation clean out of the water with its picture exclusive of Princes Harry and William cavorting in a London nightclub. Terrorism may threaten the very fabric of our liberal society, but that's as nothing compared to snaps of Harry cupping a blonde woman's breast and giving her a kiss on the cheek; or putting his arm around William and mugging for the camera in a "you're my best maaaate" pose.
The princes would have a hard time claiming invasion of privacy - they were after all in a public place. But can the Sun morally justify barging in on the boys' night out and splashing the results across its front and centre pages? Can it what? The paper's royal correspondent Duncan Larcombe takes a pre-emptive strike in his short commentary alongside the pictures: "This is the side of the boys the public is not meant to see... but it should be seen only as fantastic PR. After their mother's death, there was a plea that William and Harry be allowed to be normal. Our pictures prove that this request has been met."
So there you have it. The Sun is actually doing the princes a huge favour. Paper Monitor invites readers to imagine the debt of gratitude William and Harry must feel this morning.
Given the Sun is imbued with such a sense of public service, other papers will presumably be free to reprint the pictures. Er, not likely judging by the caution at the bottom of the page: "Warning: Our lawyers are watching."
TUESDAY 15 AUGUST
Yesterday's Daily Mini-Quiz noted Britain's terror threat level had been downgraded from "critical" to the second-highest level, "severe", and asked what the equivalent level was in the US. The answer was "high" although most of you plumped for "elevated". Today's DMQ is on the Magazine index.
YOUR LETTERS MONDAY 14 AUGUST 1546 BST
So scientists have discovered that woman's sex drive diminishes once she is in a stable relationship. A few months ago they discovered that a man's decision making ability becomes impaired when they are in the presence of a beautiful woman. Do we really need scientists to prove these things? What will be next for the "stating-the-bleeding-obvious brigade" - scientists have discovered that when women say "everything's fine", it usually means that their significant other is in imminent anatomical danger? Ooh, I'm gonna be in trouble with the missus!
Darren, Exeter UK
My nomination for "10 things we already knew this time last week": A woman's sex drive begins to plummet once she is in a secure relationship, according to research. Just ask any married man.
Adam, London, UK
The news is getting very confusing. I was convinced that Security 'bad news' for sex drive' must have something to do with getting through airport check-ins - especially since with all the disrobing and body searches one might have expected the opposite.
Steve, London
Misleading headline: Security 'bad news' for sex drive'. Had to click on the story to find out how the airport issue was affecting sex!
Mark Esdale , Bridge, Canterbury
Congratulations on the success of your mini-quiz feature which, it seems, is encouraging government employees to run their own. Prison staff in 'corruption' quiz - what fun! No doubt a mix of topical brain-teasers, with a focus on larger scandals such as Watergate, cash for questions, bribery of officials, etc... I think it won't be long before doctors launch a "communicable diseases" quiz and taxi-drivers "guess who I had in my cab" quiz. The possibilities are endless... but how to cash in?
Ian Smith, Farnborough, UK
Re the Prison staff in 'corruption' quiz story, will their scores be published? What's the prize?
Tom, Guernsey
Prison staff in 'corruption' quiz . Number 17: An inmate offers you £50 pounds for a kiss, do you A...
Chris, Oxford
Thanks to PM for enlightening me as to Heidi Klum trying to claim "The Body" title from Elle Macpherson. While on holiday last week the Victoria's Secret window displays confused me with pictures of Heidi Klum claiming "The Body" range had been named for her. All becomes clear - Elle can't have been available to promote the range at the last minute...
Ed, Clacton, UK
The Hamiltons have just sat down next to my mate - and Caption Competition finalist, no less - in an Edinburgh cybercafé. It seems they'll even attend the opening of an e-mail.
Mike , Newcastle upon Tyne
Is there a fantastic name watch going on at all? If so Maximus Otter - who has been commenting on the Why I own 80 pairs of shoes story - deserves to win hands down!
katy smith, wirral
Is it just me or does anyone else have to check to make sure that they are really ten items in the Ten Things photograph?
Cecilia, Bristol
PAPER MONITOR MONDAY 14 AUGUST 1105 BST
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
Question: what's more depressing -
a) Queuing in the rain at Heathrow airport because of the long delays caused by the terror threat?
b) Winning a gold medal at the European Championships?
To judge from the front and back pages of the Times, there's not an awful lot in it. The controversy over Dwain Chambers being allowed back into the GB team two years after failing a drugs test is thought to explain why Britain's triumphant 4x100 relay team - who took our only gold in the championships - look about as gloomy as the skies currently on view from Paper Monitor HQ.
Just imagine their faces when they see the queues at Gothenburg airport as they fly home.
Traditionally, August is anything but glum in newspaper land. It's the height of the Silly Season - when stories about canoeing ducks and the like get front page coverage because, with Westminster on holiday along with half the country, there's nothing serious to write about.
But war in Israel and Lebanon and alleged plots to blow airliners out of the sky have scuppered that particular line of thought in recent days.
Look hard enough though, and there are Silly Season stories crouching sneakily behind the TERROR / TRAVEL CHAOS headlines. The story about the world's best one-liner is everywhere - although, when it comes to the winner - Peter Kay's gag about garlic bread - how can the printed word replicate the timing that actually makes this joke funny in a live act? They can't.
And how about this for a legal spat, in the Daily Mirror: model Heidi Klum is at war with rival model Elle Macpherson for claiming the name "The Body" - a sobriquet that the Aussie has held for 20 years. Confused? Unsure as to whose physique entitles them to the name? Fear not, the Mirror kindly carries pictures of both: one in a bikini; the other in lingerie.
Not to be out-done, the Telegraph has "The Body Map every woman should read" - nothing to do with the Klum/Macpherson wrangle. Instead, it's a 14-point checklist of things that can go wrong with the body. For fear that readers might be confused by terms such as "legs" and "breast", there's a handy double-page spread of a bikini-clad model to clarify these anatomical blind spots.
MONDAY 14 AUGUST
Friday's Daily Mini-Quiz asked the name of Barbie's oldest sister (she has five!). It's Skipper (which scored 31% of votes). Forty-five percent went for Stacie. Today's DMQ is on the Magazine index.
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