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THE MAGAZINE MONITOR
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Welcome to the Magazine Monitor, the home for:
- Daily Mini-Quiz results
- Paper Monitor
- Your letters
- Punorama (Weds)
- Caption Comp (Thurs)
- 10 things we didn't know (Sat)
10 THINGS WE DIDN'T KNOW THIS TIME LAST WEEK
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10 THINGS
10 birds on Christmas Day by Andy Penney
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Snippets harvested from the week's news, chopped, sliced and diced for your weekend convenience.
1. David Cameron has 10 sugars in his tea before Prime Minister's Questions, on the advice of William Hague. The sugar he says, coats the larynx, stopping his voice from drying up.
2. Black Gold caviar costs £20,000 per kilo.
3. The elected president of a Liberal Democrat constituency party can be as young as 12 - watch out Charles Kennedy.
4. Cattle are capable of producing 500 litres of methane, a potent greenhouse gas, every day mostly through belching.
5. The number of crimes solved through DNA technology has quadrupled over the past five years.
6. A third of orchestral musicians suffer noise-induced hearing loss.
7. Sea lions may be cute but they are also "very smelly".
8. A laser beam can travel 15 million miles (25 million km).
9. Pele has always hated his nickname, which he says sounds like "baby-talk in Portuguese".
10. 4x4s are no safer for transporting children than ordinary cars, because of their greater risk of rolling over, according to a study published in the US journal Paediatrics.
[Sources where there is no link included: 1 - BBC Radio 1 Colin & Edith show, Thursday 5 January; 2 - the Times, Wednesday 4 January; 10 - Scotsman, Wednesday 4 January.]
If you spot anything that should be included next week, use the form below to tell us about it..
The BBC may edit your comments and not all emails will be published. Your comments may be published on any BBC media worldwide.
YOUR LETTERS FRIDAY 6 JANUARY 1600 GMT
Nice to see a totally neutral picture of Charles Kennedy on the BBC News front page: stooped over, eyes raised menacingly, harsh uplighting accentuating saggy jowels. You wouldn't let him kiss your baby at election time, would you?
Mike,
Newcastle upon Tyne
Re: White Noise, 6 January. I am a music student, and my studies require that I research different interpretations of music. I have been listening to my iPod for a year on full volume and have not noticed any problems. Maybe I'm just lucky, but my friend also has a iPod and he does experience ringing, we talked and he blames loud repetetive dance music, whereas I listen to classical.
Blake Stothard,
Thorne
Re: Your best nicknames: I have had two different main nicknames in my life ('Eddy', and 'Spider'). What's weird is that both of them were given to me twice - but each time by a completely separate group of people, in the latter case 12 years apart. There's probably a name for the concept - BiConvergent DuoPseudonymism, perhaps?
Spider Jon ,
Bristol, UK
Re: The tasteless photographs in the Times (Paper Monitor, Thursday). I was under the impression there was a long-standing media code of not publicising suicides, so as not to encourage people to take that option?
Sasha,
Edinburgh
In Union attacks illusionist's Heist, you report: "Brown sparked a barrage of complaints in 2003 when he played Russian roulette live on Channel 4, and survived." No complaints then if he'd died?
Philip Lickley,
York
Lunchtime Limerick's no more! Is that true?
Gone the way of our b'loved LBQ?
We hope that in time
You'll add features with rhyme.
Want suggestions for us to send you?
Charles Frean,
Bedford, Massachusetts
Re: Celebrity Big Brother. Having seen the list of people taking part , can we sue them for false advertising ?
Tigger,
Milton Keynes
"Why are short letters always the cleverest?" asks Colin Larcombe,
Orleans, France. Because.
Stuart Moore,
Cambridge, UK
**UPDATED** PUNORAMA FRIDAY 6 JANUARY 1530 GMT
It's time for Punorama.
The rules are straightforward - we choose a story which has been in the news, and invite you to create an original punning headline for it.
The story for this week is that Jayne Torvill and Christopher Dean are set to reunite for the first time in eight years on the new ITV show Dancing on Ice, in which they will teach celebrities to ice skate.
Despite the extended deadline, pun pickings were thin on the ground this week. The best of the bunch were Ice to see you. To see you... ice, by Vivien, London, UK; Skate to see you again, from Nigel Macarthur, London, England;
Cool run-ins, from Sue Warnes, Leeds, UK; Back in the groove, Simon Rooke, Nottingham UK; and It's Dean a long time, from Maurice Day, of Bootle.
CAPTION COMPETITION **UPDATED** 6 JANUARY 1330 GMT
Winning entries in this week's competition, which sees Bill Gates takes on his number two, Steve Ballmer, on the Xbox in a game of Fight Night Round Three.
6. ...and landscape is like this...
Neil Bush, Coventry
5. Suddenly, and without warning, Bill Gates performed an illegal operation and was shut down
Josh Comley, Brighton
4. Bill's gait.
Mark, The Hague, Netherlands
3. At last, Mr Gates discovers the meaning of the ":-)" symbol.
Paolo Attivissimo, Lugano, Switzerland
2. Hello, you appear to want to fall over. Microsoft Office Assistant can help you achieve this.
To be pushed over, click "Yes"
To fall over on your own, click "No"
To get me to mind my own business, click "Cancel"
Derrick, Northants, uk
1. The problems of being a billionaire, number five: Loose change.
Simon Rooke, Nottingham
PAPER MONITOR FRIDAY 6 JANUARY 1015 GMT
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
Let's leave Charles Kennedy alone today (with no mention of the Sun's brutal opinion column titled "Drunken fool"). Instead, let's revel in the fun that is George Galloway going on Celebrity Big Brother.
The Daily Telegraph reports that Galloway has "told producers his favourite things are his 'daughter, sunbathing and sex'" but that he left politics off the list. One can almost sense the paper's smile when it says: "He was greeted by a chorus of boos."
The Daily Mail claims his real reason for taking part is not, as he says, "to show a large audience what I'm really like", but rather that "it's easier to get the eye of Big Brother than Speaker Michael Martin".
Hugo Rifkind in the Times predicts a showdown in week three: "After evictions, only [Jodie] Marsh, [Dennis] Rodman and Galloway remain. For their final task, Big Brother asks housemates to arrange themselves in order of height. Galloway quits..."
Mark Lawson in the Guardian has the most fun, saying that as the initial housemates were introduced "you waited for the divine fire from the sky to punish Channel 4 for somehow finding a secret new low compartment below the bottom of the barrel scraped by last year's Celebrity Big Brother. As transmission carried on unimpeded, Archbishop Williams and Benedict XVI faced a difficulty. Their only way out of declaring that there is no God would be to apply the theological nicety that he doesn't get Channel 4."
But the thunderbolt was averted with what the Mail calls "a touch of surrealistic genius"... enter Galloway, stage left.
One other, unrelated, vignette to point out, also from the Guardian. Sometime acquaintance of the Magazine, Charlie Brooker, describes actor Adrien Brody as resembling "a cross between Ross from Friends and a disappointed sundial".
Jumping Jehoshaphat, that man's got a way with words.
FRIDAY 6 JANUARY
By and large Magazine readers proved themselves a road-worthy bunch with 79% answering yesterday's Daily Mini-Quiz question correctly. For those who missed it, we asked what this road sign represents. The right answer is "no stopping". Today's Daily Mini-Quiz is on the Magazine index.
YOUR LETTERS THURSDAY 5 JANUARY 1800 GMT
Why does David Cameron think his community conscription scheme (Tory youth plan may be compulsory, 5 January) can be paid for by the National Lottery? According to the Department of Culture, Media and Sport, the Lottery fund has paid out £17 billion since 1994 - about £1.6 billion a year. Assume that a modest 750,000 people leave education every year. Let's say that about 300,000 of them qualify for the 16-17 year olds' minimum wage of £3 an hour and about 450,000 for the 18-21 year olds' rate of £4.10 an hour. Cameron posits 4 months' work. Let's assume that's 36 hours a week. The cost in salaries alone is £1.7 billion - more than the whole of the annual Lottery fund. That doesn't include the costs of training, tools, transport, supervision or anything else (such as the unemployment benefit for the existing workers undercut by this army of forced labourers).
Steve,
Newcastle
Re your coverage of The Times photographs today (Paper Monitor): it is good to see that the Paper Monitor is there not only for amusement, but also to ask some serious journalistic questions as well.
Ian,
Kent
Could the maths whiz who came up with the formula to calculate how wet you get running around in the rain please help Paper Monitor (Thursday) calculate the number of nipples displayed by ten Page 3 beauties (assuming that none of them is the 1 in 18 who possesses three). I concede that one of them was in profile. I deny that I am a regular Sun reader.
Jim Hewitt,
Aldershot, England
Your article about thank you letters (Saying thank you in style, 5 January) set me thinking. There is a very easy way to persuade young relatives to put pen to paper after Christmas. Send them a cheque, but, ahem, "forget" to sign it.
Caroline Brown,
Rochester, UK
Too late to enter your punctuation nightmare competition but I definitely recall a report of an industrial tribunal many years ago where a nurse had written to her employers saying "*name of colleague* is making my life a misery so I resign" meaning that this colleague was trying to make her resign and the letter was a complaint -- however she put a comma in front of "so I resign" and it was taken as a letter of resignation. She claimed unfair dismissal as she said she had not resigned but an industrial tribunal ruled against her as it said the comma made the "so I resign" gramatically the main statement thus it was a resignation letter.
David Shepherd,
Bristol, UK
The Lunchtime Limerick, R.I.P.
You never missed a trick, mon ami.
But you scored fewer hits
Than Aunty permits.
We're left with bald Nick - rhapsody.
Anon
Some won the limerick with ease,
some were more of a tease.
Now it has gone,
but the Magazine must go on,
so remember "no flowers please".
Caroline,
Edinburgh
Why are short letters always the cleverest ?
Colin Larcombe,
Orleans, France
I've just read the Best of Letters 2005 (having returned to work and being far too busy in the holidays to do such a thing) and don't know whether to be pleased or concerned at recognising every one from the very day...Please advise.
Sarah,
Edinburgh
Re: White Noise, 5 January : pardon?
Philip,
Epsom
Re: Turkey Diagnoses Human Bird Flu. Isn't that something along the line of 'Man bites Dog'?
Jordan Dias,
Edinburgh/London, UK
I just noticed this headline on the front page; Turkey diagnoses human bird flu.
Is this the first turkey ever to be qualified to do this sort of work?
Phil,
Guisborough, England
Re: "Turkey Diagnoses Human Bird Flu": just wondering if your email server had crashed yet, under the sheer volume of gags offered by readers?
Tim G,
London, UK
PAPER MONITOR THURSDAY 5 JANUARY 1115 GMT
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
Welcome to any new readers who have stumbled across this little corner of the internet, thanks to our new higher billing on the Magazine index. Of course, not everyone is going to be happy with things (R.I.P. Lunchtime Limerick, anyone?) but your humble paper reviewer feels well satisfied.
Three highlights to report. And one lowlight. (The Sun's ten-nipple extravaganza on Page Three is in neither category.)
The Daily Telegraph - in common with much of the traditionally Tory press - seems unsure what to make of David Cameron's new un-Thatcherite policy on the NHS. But it's OK because there's a fab story about corduroy trousers being banned in East Anglia which will appeal to the paper's hardcore market more than any party politics ever could.
Actually, the Daily Mirror doesn't seem to know what to make of Cameron either. You might think that a Tory leader affirming support for the NHS would be welcomed by a traditionally left-wing paper. But rather it plays it for laughs - "David Cameron yesterday announced his own bizarre plan to boost Britain's health - ban the Chocolate Orange" - in the course of which it also alleges that he has been dubbed "Lord Charlie". This is presumably a reference to privilege and drug-taking, but is inconviently actually the real name of the existing Labour Lord Chancellor. Any evidence of anyone actually calling Cameron "Lord Charlie" will be welcomed.
Meanwhile, the Daily Mail offers a tale to unsettle ladies who lunch - "Polyphosphates and dextrose with your chicken sandwich?"
The lowlight of the day, which Paper Monitor still can't actually see good reason for publishing, is in the Times, which - like yesterday's Evening Standard - prints a large photograph of a woman standing on the ledge of a Kensington hotel, and an even larger photo of her jumping to her death below. It's tragic and dramatic, certainly, but what exactly is the justification for publishing it?
THURSDAY 5 JANUARY
Magazine readers obviously have expensive tastes. In Wednesday's Daily Mini-Quiz, we asked how much a kilo of genuine Caspian beluga caviar was. Nearly half of you, 49%, correctly said it was £1,429. Today's DMQ is on the Magazine index.
YOUR LETTERS WEDNESDAY 4 JANUARY 1800 GMT
Charlie Grant, Monitor Letters, Tuesday, should be told that no one, nowadays, uses Billion to mean a million millon. The US definition of a thousand million won that battle a long time ago.
Simon Jones,
West Wales, UK
I believe that the BBC, quite wrongly, uses the US billion instead of the perfectly good English word 'milliard' which almost every other European nation uses for 100 million just as they use the word billion correctly.
John Murphy,
Lauris, France
Is it just me, or is it however hard we pretend otherwise - a bugger to be back in the realworld?
Kim Grant,
Nottingham.
Must be real tough (Taking the Pele, 4 January) to be a multi millionaire with a nickname you don't like. Could we swap?
Rose,
London
Can anyone tell me what a Caviar Quiz score of 1/10 says about my character (other than the fact that I know naff all about caviar)? I'd be good at a mashed potato quiz, mind......
Neil Franklin,
Southampton, UK
Is "mild sarcasm" (Paper Monitor, Wednesday) a bit like the mild peril they warn you about before films?
Rebecca,
Cambridge, UK
How am I supposed to detox (What's the point of detoxing?, 3 January) when the shops are already selling those Creme Eggs? Happy Easter everyone
HenryTheTurkey,
Salford, UK
I see that the BBC program Balderdash & Piffle is looking for the oldest first occurrences of particular words. Is this another form of Cabbaging? And can we get Cabbaging added to the dictionary?
Tom Jones (not THE Tom Jones),
Edinburgh
If the headline "Diana 'is wiped from history'" from this week's Sunday Express is in fact true (Paper Monitor, Tuesday), does this mean they will no longer be able to publish stories about her?
Anon
Sorry, but I don't agree one little bit with Michael McIver about the quality of the "letters of 2005". I was reading them at work and literally had to stuff my fist in my mouth to keep reasonably quiet, I was laughing so hard. Or do I have a strange sense of humour?
D du Plessis,
Johannesurg, South Africa
I was in stitches of laughter reading the Letters of 2005, so I can only assume Michael McIver is making a barely imperceptible witticism based on the self-fulfilling predictions theme, in which his own silly, pointless letter fits his description. Darned smart for so early in the year, well done Michael!
Chandra,
London, England
Dear Paper Monitor: Everyone knows that sarcasm is all right if it is done in the proper font. Like Courier for example.
Anon
Please stop publishing entries about whether or not entries are to be published.
Ian, Cambridge, UK
Explosion on the moon? Dr Suggs? What kind of Madness is this?
Martin H, St Samson-sur-Rance, France
PAPER MONITOR WEDNESDAY 4 JANUARY 1015 GMT
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
Great minds think alike, apparently. That must be the reason behind these classic headlines for a picture of Hugh Grant and Jemima Khan having a beach holiday.
HUGH WHAT A SCORCHER (Daily Star)
Waterski? Jemima Khan, Hugh can't (Daily Express)
Hugh just lie back... I'll do the skiing (Daily Mirror)
Look what I Khan do, Hugh (Daily Mail)
Jemima Khan, Hugh can't (London Evening Standard)
PS. Princess Diana story on Daily Express page five.
(New Year's Resolution to "be nice, find good things to say, don't criticise, don't judge, and don't be sarcastic" largely intact, though mild sarcasm was employed in the production of this item.)
WEDNESDAY 4 JANUARY
He might be hot Hollywood property, but Mel Gibson is clearly looking older than his years. To mark the actor/director's birthday yesterday, the Daily Mini-Quiz asked how old he is. Fifty-five percent of you plumped for 55, but in fact he's just 50! No hard feelings we hope Mel. Today's DMQ is on the Magazine index.
YOUR LETTERS TUESDAY 3 JANUARY 1550 GMT
Re An eye to the future, 3 January. Remember that a futurologist's predictions - if trusted - affect the future he's predicting. The better he is, the more disruptive the effect on his predictions. Tough row to hoe when the vegetables fight back.
Peter March,
Halifax Canada
GK Chesterton once wrote about the game of 'Cheat the prophet'. He said that eminent people are fond of making proclaimations about how the future will be. The young listen to them very politely. Then the eminent people die, and the young people bury them nicely and go and do something completely different. And Arthur C Clarke said that when an eminent scientist says something's likely, he's usually right. But when the same scientist says something's impossible, he's ALWAYS wrong.
Robert Day,
Coventry, UK
I predict that this entry will not get published. Doh! Wrong again.
Robin,
Blackburn, Lancashire
I knew it - wheat isn't toxic after all! (What's the point of detoxing?, 3 January.) For a bloke, "detoxing" is a useful word, it avoids having to say you're on a diet (a bit girly), or giving up alcohol for a while (a bit... you know). You can imply you've been somewhat hard-core recently and need to chill before you do some permanent damage, whereas the real truth is you're a little paranoid about your waistline.
LW,
London UK
Question: Regarding the Daily Mini-Quiz about how many texts are predicted to be sent in 2006, do you know if the Mobile Data Association are using the British or American billion (British being a million million, American being a thousand million)?
Charlie Grant,
Nottingham, UK
It's quite reasonable that 23rd Jan is the most depressing day this year, whilst it was 24th last year (Paper Monitor, Tuesday) - both are Mondays! However, I don't follow how that happens as the formula quoted last year doesn't include a 'day of the week' variable.
QJ,
Stafford, UK
Re: Inquiry into 'sex for visa' claim
... and for everything else there's MasterCard!
Mark Shipley,
Sandside, UK
Have Your Say: Has political correctness gone mad? - HURRAY!
Lucy Jones,
Manchester
Can I be the last person to wish you had the very best luck for 0001 and the first person to wish you all the best for 2009, 2019, 2011 ....3000. I wouild prefer this comment to be published on uk.oc.cbb.www or alternatively on www.cbb.oc.ku. By the way for your kind information these sites do not exist in the world and therfore you would not be able to publish this comment. My goodness, I'm clever.
Vipul Solanki,
Northwest London, UK
The letters chosen for Your Letters of 2005 are typical of those the BBC prints, mainly dross.
Michael McIver, Hastings,England
Perhaps you could ask Nick Allen whether running during a thunderstorm increases the chance of being hit by lightning Do you get less wet if you run in the rain? 27 December. My mother believed this, and would scream at and punish us if we even thought of running in the rain.
Charlene Vickers, Calgary
The running in the rain formula is the first time the Magazine has got its maths straight. We want none of it! I suppose there comes a silly season even for the Magazine.
Ali K,
Edinburgh
PAPER MONITOR TUESDAY 3 JANUARY 2006 1100 GMT
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
Paper Monitor's New Year Resolution is simple: Be Nice. Find good things to say, don't criticise, don't judge, and absolutely NO SARCASM. Let's see how we get on. Today, here's a range of fascinatingly tempting articles to read, all of which are promoted on the front pages.
Work out with Coleen (Mirror)
The simplest diet ever (Express)
The no-diet diet (Independent)
Get a flat tummy NOW (Times)
Your fate and your weight (Sun)
Your ultimate New Year Detox (Mail)
More sexy pics - centre pages (Star)
Threats to growth (Financial Times)
Eat out for a fiver (Telegraph)
The Telegraph also reveals that today is not, as one might imagine, the day when people feel most depressed. That day, according to a formula worked out by Dr Cliff Arnall, is 23 January. It's funny, but when the otherwise identical story appeared last year, it was 24 January.
Anyway, as a special treat, here's a shot from this week's Sunday Express.
TUESDAY 3 JANUARY 2006
Welcome back, one and all. And a Happy New Year all round. Three things to mention to you:
- Did you see the best of the Monitor Letters published over Christmas? It was good fun.
- Did you also catch the best of the Magazine download - a 26-page PDF with some of the cream of last year?
- And did you know that the results of Monday's Daily Mini-Quiz was that an estimated 36.5 billion text messages will be sent in the UK this year. 70% of you got that correct.
The BBC is not responsible for the content of external websites.
~RS~q~RS~~RS~z~RS~28~RS~)
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