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Last Updated: Tuesday, 6 September 2005, 16:55 GMT 17:55 UK
The rules of advertising, Part 2

The Magazine's review of advertising

Last week the Magazine published some unwritten rules of advertising, as chosen by writer John Camm. You found no shortage of rules to add to the list.

Typical of Camm's rules was : "Married men will flirt with other, younger women but NEVER act upon it.". Many hundreds of you made further suggestions, some of the best of which are published below. And while the battle of the sexes is prominent among them, it seems the number of things that irritate you about advertising are legion.

1. Shop staff always greet you with a smile and answer your questions in a professional manner.
Joe Cole, Winnersh

2. All dogs are happy and stupid. All cats have impeccable taste.
Mike, London

3. Mothers never ever shout at their offspring, and have endless patience.
Shirley, Guildford Surrey

4. Chocolate bars come out of hand bags/top pockets facing forwards, pause for a moment on their journey upwards in the half in/half out state (of hand bag/top pocket) and finally they are opened, perfectly, by simply pulling at the top outermost corner of the wrapping.
Ed Reilly, Birmingham

5. People who talk to the viewer never seem to be noticed by the people around them (i.e. their family, friends, co-workers).
Ally, London

6. If you have dyed red hair you are glamorous and sexy. If you have natural red hair then by all accounts you have a problem.
Sarah, London

7. Cat food smells delicious to humans.
Ian, Redditch

8. Bars are not sweaty, smoky places with very drunk people in them
Catherine, Birmingham

9. Shaving is always performed to music, semi-naked and accompanied by a blonde woman in a towel.
Lorraine, St Albans, UK

10. Young people always live in fantastic flats.
Jason, London

11. You only ever wash one item at a time in your washing machine.
Nigel, London

12. It's possible to take great photos with a camera phone.
Mark Shearman, Bath, UK

13. Pieces of chewing gum only ever fall from their packet in pairs into the hands of the gum eater.
James, London

14. It is totally acceptable and quite normal behaviour to go around kissing babies' bottoms.
Dan, UK

15. Soldiering is portrayed as being on a challenging outward-bound course
Ralph, London

16. Any advert so obscure that you have no idea what it is about will be revealed to be a car advert in the final half-second.
Steve, Kernow, UK

17. Black people don't exist - or at least they don't buy anything.
Vickie, Leeds

18. Women suffer from constipation, men suffer from piles.
Adam Higgitt, Baldock, Herts

19. People with regional accents are always friendly and helpful.
Stephen, Bristol, UK

20. Buying a sofa will not only improve your life beyond measure, it'll also make you and your family beautiful.
Alfie, Cambridge, UK

21. Teenage "sufferers" of acne will only ever have one completely invisible spot, for which they will apply a product which will not only clear the spot, but also miraculously solve all other social issues they might be having.
Russell, Derby, England

22. Slim, young, sexy, beautiful women are invariably and inexplicably married to frumpy, dumpy, pudgy - and quite often balding - middle-aged men.
Katherine, Toronto, Ontario, Canada

23. If senior women are smiling and dancing they must be wearing an adult diaper.
Debra, Germany

24. Cars never sound like cars revving and changing gear, but the gentle sound of a hollow breeze.
Rob Sanders, London

25. Cats are always fed by women.
Mike Knell, Swindon

26. All people are heterosexual.
David, Hove, UK

27. All vicars look like twits.
Aubrey Vaughan, Leicester UK.

28. Married women are *nearly* sexy. (I believe there is an ad industry formula for this.)
Ade , Cheltenham, UK

29. Dogs in adverts never sniff your crotch.
Colin, Glenrothes, Scotland

30. Andie McDowell never ages.
Paul T Horgan, Bracknell, UK

31. Carol Vordeman knows everything.
Dan, Kent

32. Everything is or will be great
Lewis, London

33. Technology works.
Dan, Newquay, UK

Thanks to all the Magazine readers who took part. Later in the week, we present an Ad-man's response.


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