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Last Updated: Monday, 9 February 2004, 15:27 GMT
The LBQ roll of shame
Ranging from inept to incompetent, these are the most significantly wrong questions posed by the individual winners of the weekly Lunchtime Achievement Award since its inception in January.

Rob Turville for "God's Quad?" (Answer: Hallowed craft).

Jennifer Semon for "The longest jump over sheep recorded in Wales was what?" (Answer: Tenfold leap)

Neil Franklin for "Define 'cop-out' in marketing speak" (Answer: Strong aversive response.)

Neil Parr-Davies for "Britain's first high-speed, low-cost railway line will run from where? " (Answer: Fanciful to think)

Matthieu Vermeren for "What flew on a tip off?" (Answer: The extremity of the wing)

OG Nash for "What causes people to sit stuck in front of Doctor Who?" (Answer: Cultural glue)

Mark Esdale for "What can you do with two feet, one arm and an old chest?" (Answer: Dancing, casino-gambling and antique shopping)

Alec Cawley for "What accessories go with a thinking cap?" (Answer: Reflective collars)

Robin Hughes for "What's sign language for 'You can be Mum'?" (Answer: Turning the teapot)

Vicky Smith for "I'm doing the Atkins Christmas Crossword, has any one worked out 16 across and 7 down yet? Thanks. Am willing to swap for 1 across." (Answer: Digestive biscuits and orange juice)

Karl Oldershaw for Do you have "Fly Fishing" by JR Hartley? (Answer: I have this weird syndrome)

Michael Walmsley for A load of bulls hit? (Answer: Cow carcasses)

Catherine Osborn for Why did you put the elephant on the roof rack? (Answer: Too big for the boot).

Andy Brown for Where do Pirates buy Desert Island Discs? (Answer: Tower captain)

Sarah Davies for Help the Aged? (Answer: Adopt a grandfather.)

Sarah Allman for What would making typing reports for the environment agency difficult? (Answer: No word for pollution.)

Ali Mainwood for The cock-up theory of history? (Answer: More Baldrick than Boudicca)

Andrea Collins for Dead Man Walking? (Answer: Immobilisation Operative)

Michael Gallagher for Seriously? When did they change it? (Answer: Three days a week)

Martin Ruck for "Hello, Godot." (Answer: At the extremely low end of the risk scale)

Stu Cowley for Ming the Mirthful (Answer: Friendly but powerful)

Lara Heard for (To Star Wars theme tune)Tum tum tum, tum-te tum, tum-te tum, TUM TUM TUM, TUM-TE-TUM, TUM-TE-TUM? (Answer: Hipster invasion.)
Candy Spillard for *HIT squad? (Answer: Dirt unit.)
Sanjeev Richariya for Jus good friends? (Answer: Blender buddies.)
Leanie Kaleido for Who to befriend if you're feeling fat, legless or perhaps just a bit horny? (Answer: Giants, mermaids and even the devil.)
John Curley
John Curley for The Cervine Comedy? (Answer: A moose singing Embraceable You in spats)

Jason Smithwick for "Pass the joint?" (Answer: Overtake hip replacement.)

Charles Frean
Charles Frean for "Where do you go when your number's up?" (Answer: Disused bingo hall.)

Nick Nevin for After my friend told Lynn Cleaner a secret, I hastily asked him (via text) to 'uninform' her. However, due to the temperamental '6' button on my mobile, how did this text arrive? (Answer: Uniformly cleaner)

Tim Francis-Wright for "How will history remember chicken tikka masala?" (Answer: Britain's most successful metaphor.)

Alan Baxter for "Who bakes you an offer you cannot refuse?" (Answer: Housewives' mafia)
Robin Dover for "Name the last 4 years in which the word Gadzooks was spoken aloud" (Answer: 1974, 1984, 1994, and 2004)

Jackie Day for "What's a little mouse with clogs on?" (Answer: Something to declare)

Simon Robinson for "Define polysaturated" (Answer: paralytic parrots)

Robert Henson for "Holst: The Plants" (Answer: Crocuses on Mars.)

Annie McGuinness for "What do you give the man who has everything?" (Answer: 30 miles of shelves.)

Alan Cotter for "If you're a genie, what's slightly better than being in a lamp for eternity?" (Answer: A torch for a million years.)

Helene Parry of Wales and Twickenham for "Dances with Wolves' banker?" (Answer: Debt for transfer.) So why's she smiling?

Jenny Woods of Oxford for "You know you've been de-tangoed when you ..." (Answer: Changed from orange to blue.)

Kieran Boyle
Kieran Boyle of Oxford for "Why are you moving me to the high-security wing?" (Answer: Cheaper than your average night out.)

Brian Ritchie
Brian Ritchie of Oxford for "According to the trickle-down theory of economics, where does charity begin?" (Answer: Home - where it rains.)

Adrian Hickford of Southampton for "What will you see on sofari?" (Answer: A live footstool.)

Becky Sinclair of London, looking far too pleased with herself, for "What's the difference between a thinker and a doer?" (Answer: Beastly fury and extreme violence.)

Suz Essex from Paris for "Nigel Short v. the ZX-81?" (Answer: Smart genes and dumb luck")

Richard Edwards of London for "What epic journey is often found in ancient grease?" (Answer: Odyssey of a cockroach).

Ian Amis of London for "Evening classes for divorcees?" (Answer: Anonymous phone calls and poison pen letters)

Peter Seed of Maidenhead for "Spin is dead. In future, government leaks will be described as what?" (Answer: The gentle seeping effect.)

Mike Yeaman of Newcastle for "As well as "pedantic", what words can my ex not spell? (Answer: Insincere, arrogant, untrustworthy, manipulative, remorseless, impatient, erratic, unreliable, dramatic, unethical, bullying.)

Sara Whittaker of Limassol, Cyprus for "What are fingers really for?" (Answer: Working out the cost.)


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