Going Loco Rail Awards 2003

GOING LOCO GONGS Going Loco is a hunt for your bizarre tales from the railways Send your story at the bottom of this page

The train companies have just received a series of gongs - not from a grateful public, but from each other. Jon Yuill, BBC News Online's Rail Commuters' Champ, redresses the balance with awards based on your barmy train tales.

For some reason my invitation to National Rail Awards, which were held in London on Thursday, never arrived. Nevertheless, we commuters deserve a say in such matters and so I give you the Going Loco 2003 Awards. The categories are thus:

• Hans Christian Andersen award for most original excuse
  
• Longest delay
  
• Most mind-numbing display of incompetence or rudeness
  
• Best use of humour
  
• Most bizarre item blocking the track

You sent in hundreds of nominations for this award. The most common - and irritating for commuters - was the ever-popular "The train is late because it's been delayed". After great deliberation, I've picked these two crackers as joint winners:

Southwest trains once cancelled the service from Basingstoke to Surbiton due to a technical fault. Apparently a cat had electrocuted itself and became welded to the driver's cabin.
Matt

My train was delayed due to a ferret which escaped its handler and terrified passengers before making its way into the driver's cab, whereupon it broke into his lunchbox and ate his cheese sandwiches.
Anon

Which just goes to show, my friends, that life is stranger than fiction.

This is tricky to prove. But congratulations to Beth, who seems to be going for three awards in one go:

On a sweltering August day a few years ago, a two-hour journey from Kings Cross to York took seven hours, three trains and one coach. We were finally told this was "due to a hurricane which had caused pigs to fly".

And for sheer lunacy I just had to share this with you:

A friend had an especially horrific journey between Birmingham and Sheffield, which was delayed by "some prat" (the words of the train manager) attempting suicide, squashed squirrels on the windscreen, and the failure of all four engines, one by one. The passengers actually got out and pushed the train the last few hundred meters into Chesterfield, where they had to wait for a replacement service.
Chris Read

Chris, I don't care if you're lying, that cheered me up.

Humour is in short supply on our railways. A shame, because used judiciously, it can defuse tense situations. Tanoy announcements are a rich vein of humour, both accidental and deliberate.

A Christmas evening on a Connex train out of Victoria. The guard's chatty comments came over the intercom: "Connex wishes you all a Merry Christmas and a relaxing break and we hope to see you again in the new year. Remember, a dog is not just for Christmas... [long pause] ...it's pretty good cold on Boxing Day."
Graham

And this was also heard:

On behalf of Silverlink I would like to apologise for the late running of this service. And the overcrowding... and the heat... and the discomfort... and for generally messing up your day."
Steven Dyson

And finally, several commuters sent in the perhaps apocryphal but amusing:

"We apologise for the delays and cancellations. This is due to two fat ladies at Chatham." The announcement of two fatalities at Chatham had become corrupted along the line.

I'm sorry, there just isn't room for this roll of dishonour. Instead, it goes not to any single operator, but the whole network, a sort of Lifetime Achievement Award. But I have to mention poor Gaynor Sheldrake who caught a direct train from Bristol to Derby, normally a trip of just over two hours. Her train got stuck behind a failed train. So they called out a shunter to shunt it out of the way. But the shunter broke down. So they had to call for another shunter to shunter. She finally arrived at Derby at 5am.

It is, perhaps, unfortunate that much of the hilarity and inconvenience caused by items on the line is no fault of the rail companies. Do I care? I have had enormous fun with this category. From livestock of every conceivable species to giant inflatable hamburgers. Truly the stuff of legend.

My favourite was "sorry for the delay, someone is headed towards us in a car."
Mike Oakley

But the winner is this:

A roof had blown off a house next to the railway line. The conductor announced to passengers (with great glee) "The train is delayed due to eaves on the line."
Jo Edkins

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Do you have a strange tale from the railways? Heard a bizarre announcement? Or witnessed your fellow passengers acting oddly? Send your tales using the form below, and we will feature the best.