Amazing tales from Planet Tabloid

Amazing tales from Planet Tabloid

This week in Planet Tabloid, our regular round-up of the outer reaches of the news universe, we can present tales of naughty nuns, smooching celebs, and our wildly popular pun-writing competition. But first...

BURNING ISSUE OF THE WEEK

Q: How much is J Lo's bottom worth?
A: Do you mean in a Celebdaq sense? In which case quite a lot. If you mean in real money terms, probably about £700m. Either way, in newspaper terms, it is priceless. And to prove it, just look at those pictures.

The world has, of course, gone celeb-mad. But in case you have avoided this temporary insanity, and still want to appear knowledgeable at dinner parties, here is the celeb smooch forecast, issued at 1300 GMT today, Friday, 28 February.

Atomic Kitten Liz 'n' boyband Lee: blue skies; Les Dennis 'n' PR girl: creeping mist, cold shivers; Danii 'n' Becks [in her dreams]: heavy rain, humid.

How do I look?

Meanwhile, catty Carol Vorderman has got the claws out for style police Trinny and Susanna of What Not To Wear fame, who last year put the Countdown Queen on their worst-dressed list.

Of Carol's many comments in the Mirror dissecting the pair's fashion faux pas, this is how she described the outfit pictured left: "Tranny [sic] left the Book Awards looking like an ironing board in a ripped polyester cover."

Trinny's response? "I looked at myself and I thought I looked great. You have to question whether you respect the clothes sense of the people criticising you." Meow, ladies.

GOLD DUST

This week's gold dust moment, which treasures those quotes that even the most imaginative news mind could not make up, concerns a 75-year-old nun.

Sister Aloysius (real name Margaret Fairclough) was stopped by the cops when she was out driving her Honda Civic in Didsbury, Manchester.

When she overshot a traffic light, the long arm of the law asked her to get out of her vehicle. And then asked her to breathe into a bag.

Lo and behold, the holy sister had drunk two glasses of wine and a glass of champagne at a birthday party.

But how's about this for chutzpah? She said: "I would rather face God's judgment than the law of the land. I know he is a kindly judge."

Sister Aloysius, that is gold dust.

PUNORAMA

And now the internet's premier pun-writing competition, Punorama.

Last week you were asked to supply puns for the story of the trapeze artist who tried to castrate his love rival (a sword swallower) with a pair of pliers.

Buy buy buy!

Roll up, roll up for "Circus-cision" presented by Lester Omnibus, coming to you live from Jon Lomax's "Three Cringe Circus"!

In the main ring, gasp at tumbling contortionist Desmond, Boston, and his daring act, "He flies to the lair of his lover's new squeeze, with pliers in his hand despite anguished pleas"; and marvel at Chris T's death-defying stunt "Man who does flips, nips rival's pips".

And here come the clowns! Nad Khan and his "Pick-a-willy circus", Terence Elliott's "Sworded affair" and last but not least, put your hands together for "Love triangle ends in shears" from Sarah, Canada.

So this week set your phasers to pun, and have a ponder about the story of the woman who hit the roof when she went to the toilet on a jumbo jet only to find her hubby already there, in the business of joining the mile high club with another comely passenger.