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EDITIONS
Friday, 7 February, 2003, 14:50 GMT
Amazing tales from Planet Tabloid
This week, anti-war chic, how to blag an upgrade, AWOL boobs, and our regular pun-writing competition. But first...

Q: What's the verdict on Michael Jackson's revealing interview with Martin Bashir?

A: "Thriller? This was Chiller" [Daily Mail]. "He's madder than Keith Moon, sadder than Liberace but not as bad as Gary Glitter" [Mirror]. "Jacko is as barking as Mr Barking from Barking on National Barking Day" [Sun].

Susan Hampshire (left) and Cilla Black
Before and after?
While we're on the topic of Mr Michael "Two Ops" Jackson, the Mail brings us a photo spread of celebs who have sported suddenly slender schnozzes, among them Jennifer Aniston, Gisele Bundchen, Cilla Black and Tom Jones.

Oh, and the Sun is concerned about missing bosoms. Liz Hurley's to be precise. Anxious to rid herself of baby fat - from her pregnancy, not padding from her youth - Liz appears to have got something off her chest. Her breasts. As have Renee Zellweger, Britney Spears, Sophie Dahl and Denise van Outen. Eat something ladies, or cleavage shots will be an endangered species.

Meanwhile, how best to score FOUR free first-class tickets to LA and a hot-air balloon ride? Why, simply act up on a Virgin Atlantic flight and Sir Richard Branson will shower you with freebies. If you're Courtney Love.

No room

Crowds gather at Coogee Beach to see the Virgin Mary
You decide
No room this week to bring you news of a figure of Virgin Mary that appears on a cliff edge in Sydney...

Or to non-believers, it's a trick of the afternoon sun falling on a picket fence.

And there's no space whatsoever to tell you how a bard boy hit the streets of Soho to see if Shakespeare's lines can seduce a modern heart. ("Get thee thy cape, varlet, for verily thou hast pulled," certainly works for PT.)

Neither is there room to tell you about the artist paid 12,000 to kick a curry carton up the street. The work is entitled White Trash Curry Kick.

But there's always room for Punorama, the punning contest for amateurs who admire the headline writers' art.

Last week we invited you to pun away for the story about the pilot hauled off a jet because he was suspected of drinking... who was found to merely have bad breath.

This week, a gem by anyone's standards - an entry from Pete so stunned us that we decided to showcase it and it alone. Here goes:

"Supersonic pilot plastered - no it's halitosis."

Think you can top that? Well, kindly turn your attention to next week's offerings. Your puns, please, for the story of the 21-year-old heir to a 70m fortune caught dodging a 1 rail fare.

Your pun



Your name



And so on to Planet Lifestyle, a world in which the broadsheets' style gurus reign supreme.

You will, no doubt daaaarlings, be well up with the fact that combats are the hot trend for spring/summer 2003.

Soldier doing commando course
No no no, sweetie darling
But how to spot who is simply recycling their wardrobe from the mid-90s, asks the Guardian? (We need stress that this is a STRICT NO NO.)

Simple. If a pair of voluminous fatigues are teamed with trainers - or, heaven forbid, desert boots - that quite clearly is a fashion don't.

Instead, style gurus recommend silky slim-fit combats paired with towering strappy stilettos. Just the ticket for those who want to look fashionable for next week's peace march, but don't want their military chic to look pro-war.


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Colin Powell addresses the UN Security CouncilCaption comp
Winning captions for Colin Powell at the UN
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