Papers unimpressed by royal inquiry

"All the Queen's horses and all the Queen's men" will - as the Daily Mail puts it - be on show this morning at the State Opening of Parliament.

But, as the allusion to Humpty Dumpty makes clear enough, all is not well.

Indeed, the Mail argues that behind the fanfares and the glorious display "the crisis for the monarchy is deepening".

According to the paper, only an independent inquiry is enough to answer what it calls "the appallingly damaging revelations and rumours pouring out in a torrent since the collapse of the Burrell trial."

The Financial Times agrees, saying real damage is being done, and confidence can be restored only if the House of Windsor accepts the need for greater openness.

The Times argues that the limited inquiry set up by Prince Charles has backfired to such an extent that it is turning into "a public relations disaster."

Under a carpet

The case against what has been ordered is summarised by a cartoon in the Independent.

Someone is sweeping some malodorous waste under a carpet while the Queen glowers from her throne.

The Guardian calls the inquiry "neither fish nor fowl."

The man who will carry it out, Sir Michael Peat, tells the Daily Telegraph he will not be pursuing the "slightly absurd" conspiracy theories and "alluring red herrings" which are circulating.

"Honestly," he says, "It's a nonsense. If I had any hair, I would rip it out."

The Mirror - which helped set the ball rolling by printing Paul Burrell's story - stands by the Prince, and by its man - printing a tribute to Mr Burrell by his wife.

Modesty does not forbid the Mirror from pointing out that the material he supplied helped the paper sell an extra 1.7m copies.

'Flaming idiot'

On all sides there is acknowledgement of what the Times calls the "bravery" and skill of the firefighters.

But there is scant support for their strike.

The Sun describes their leader, Andy Gilchrist, as a "flaming idiot." The paper says "the nation is being forced to play a game of Russian roulette."

The Star sums up the advice of fire chiefs while staff are on strike in the words: "Don't fry chips, smoke or even make toast."

The Telegraph thinks it is "disgraceful" of the firefighters "to put lives at risk" for the sake of a 40% pay claim and a refusal to modernise their working practices.

That appearances matter is the main thrust of an editorial the Guardian devotes to Arsenal football club.

Talented talent

The paper is far from impressed by the Gunners' legal victory over a street trader who has been selling unofficial scarves and the like outside Highbury for more than 30 years.

The paper cannot see why it is for the European Court of Justice to enforce Arsenal's monopoly over its name and emblems.

The paper says: "If Arsenal is looking more and more like a brand with a football club attached, then it has no one to blame but itself."

The question of looking good is troubling the Times as well - and, in particular, the apparent need, these days, for writers and musicians, male and female, but especially female, to be beautiful as well as talented.

It is not enough to play Bach, says the Times - apparently, a violinist has to be "able to walk out of the sea in a wet T-shirt exuding sex appeal".