Amazing tales from Planet Tabloid

In this week's round-up of the outer reaches of the news agenda, tales of horse chestnuts, bare chests, and our weekly pun contest. But first...

Q: Has Basil Brush piled on the pounds during his 22-year sabbatical from British TV?

A: Yes, or rather no. The old, rake-thin glove puppet has been moth-balled and a new, "fat Basil" is being used in the CBBC show Foxed.

But before you organise a huge march through London to protest about podgy puppets, tarry. There's a more pressing social issue - the banning of the children's game conkers.

Basil faulty? The old and new Brush

You might have thought that Playstations, garage music and alcopops were the real enemies of the pre-teen pursuit of putting strings in horse chestnuts and whacking them together.

But no, it's scout masters and the "nanny state" attacking this innocent childhood institution.

"I know it all sounds very silly but these traditional playground sports like conkers have been deemed too dangerous by some people," admitted Cub Scout commissioner Kerry Linton.

What harmless cornerstone of growing up will they deem hazardous next? Catapults?

If a story looks too good to be true, it's tabloid Gold Dust. Even hardened Fleet Street hacks couldn't help wondering if this tale wasn't a gift for the tabloid gods.

The Sun reports that student Michelle Hughes took a friend's car for a spin which ended in a head-on crash. The 30-year-old was drunk (tut-tut) and, of course, blind.

The trainee chef has been losing her sight since she was 22. "She needs a magnifying glass to read," explained her mother, Susan. "Her doctor told her not to drive."

She was sentenced to six months on probation, an alcohol awareness course and banned from driving for 30 months. "This was a one-off case of temptation," said her mum.

And there's another case of unresisted temptation - the Sun's headline. "I'm blind drunk"

It's on with the pun.

Which of these puns was run up by us, and which painstakingly tailored by Fleet Street's finest (and someone from the Scotsman) to describe the chest-exposing at John Galliano's Paris fashion show?

A) Gimme some skin
B) Keeping abreast of fashion
C) I'm too sexy for a shirt
D) What a great set of Brits

Brow knitted? Given up? It's B). Having gotten your wits out for that challenge, it's your turn to let them loose on the public.

Last week's pun contest was to give a headline to a story about the oldest raven at the Tower of London, Hardey, getting a sheep's heart for his birthday (Ironically, he'd actually asked for book token).

"Old bird has a heart" from Brian Mills opens the game. Clive Burdall sees him with "We Will Rook Ewe". Roger Miles raises with "One ewe over the raven's nest". Chris Willott tosses in "Carrion up the Tower". Tracy Burt bets the farm with "Kiss me Hardey - I love ewe". David Neill almost takes the pot with "Oh, you are offal - but I like you!".

But when the chips are down, it has to be Stephen Cresswell's "What ovine present!"

An honourable mention to "Steve", who valiantly tried to cover all the bases with: "An offal treat ewe'll not get every week, but it's nothing to crow about."

So here goes with this week's challenge. A pun please for the story about the West Yorkshire hairdressers targeted by burglars who swiped scissors, tongs, clippers and £1,500 of shampoo. We're dyeing to read your entries.

Your pun



Your name

This week's Planet Lifestyle starts a bit like Trinny and Susannah on BBC Two's What Not to Wear, but bear with us nevertheless.

Previously deemed attractive and stylish (presumably because she's always seen standing beside magician husband Paul Daniels) the-lovely-Debbie-McGee has been rumbled.

Debbie McGee: once a style icon

Under the headline "That's tragic", the Mirror mercilessly attacks the-lovely-Debbie-McGee's latest frock as "a bizarre black-and-white dappled outfit that looked like a cross between a Dalmatian and a pantomime cow".

"Debbie certainly caught everyone's eye," one onlooker at a London bash told the Daily Mail.

The-lovely-Debbie-McGee remains defiant. "I just thought it was fun and I felt like wearing it." If only Paul could wave his magic wand.