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Friday, 22 March, 2002, 15:20 GMT
Amazing Tales from Planet Tabloid
planet tabloid logo
Truth is stranger than fiction
This week Mr Potato Head gets smashed in Belper, BT picks a fight with a dead person and an explanation of why lovelorn Yorkshire people turn from spuds to carrots. But first, the news...

A man has got married to the rear end of a cow, according to the Sun.

Or - more accurately - amateur dramatics fan Kevin Blackburn of Lincolnshire, has married fellow amateur dramatics fan Sharon Colley after the couple played the role of Daisy the Cow in a pantomime.

How it worked was that Kevin had on the front part of a pantomime cow costume, while Sharon filled the back part.

cow
Love at first sight

It was a case of "love at first sight" Kevin told the paper: "It doesn't matter that I met her when she was the rear end of a cow. She is the perfect package."

Ali G - Latest

Sir Jimmy Savile has complained to the Sun that sex-and-drug crazy comedy character Ali G has "stolen his act".

Desperate for a new angle on Ali G, the paper reports the cigar chomping former dance hall impresario, DJ and charity fund raiser as saying that Ali G is "impersonating" him.

Ali G
"Now, now guys and gals..."
Sir Jimmy Savile told The Sun: "He's made a fortune out of me. If I wasn't here, he would be skint.

"Ali G wears tracksuits and bulky jewellery like I started doing on the telly in 1961. He must go to the charity shops I give my old tracksuits to.

The increasingly eccentric Sir Jimmy also implies that rap star Eminem might be impersonating his unique and irritating media persona.

"I must be the most impersonated person ever," says Sir Jimmy. "Only I could have entered two Jimmy Savile look-alike contests - and come fourth and last."

Vandalism News

More evidence, as though it was needed, that the country is going to the dogs comes from Belper, Derbyshire this week.

The town's most famous recent landmark - a gigantic 7 foot fibreglass effigy of hideous cartoon freak Mr Potato Head has been attacked by rampaging vandals.

The statue was donated by Belper's twin town in the United States in a way similar to the donation of the Statue of Liberty to New York by the French.

But there are signs that some Belper citizens may be secretly pleased about the incident.

One said: "We've had a call from a tourism company in Rhode Island who want to take him on a tour of America."

Beyond the Grave

More evidence that phone giant BT is desperate to increase cash-flow.

The company has taken to pursuing customers beyond the grave if the Mirror is to be believed.

man on phone
"Sorry... he's not in..."
Lawyers wrote to Londoner Arthur Moresman - who died aged 76 in 1986 - demanding 42.02 and threatening action if he did not cough up.

The former Mr Moresman's son, Barry, told the Mirror: "This was the first I had heard about his outstanding bill in the 16 years since he died."

A BT spokesman said: "This appears to be an unfortunate and regrettable error."

SPUD News

Tabloid heroine Anna Dale of Bradford, West Yorks, has been making headlines again after setting up a new ginger group to help the plight of victims of two-timing love rats.

Ms Dale first fingered the love rats when she set up SPUD - The Society for the Protection of the Unreasonably Dumped - to general tabloid delight.

SPUD has now been joined by CARROTS - Care Against Relationship Rifts Or Thoughtless Separation - "to deal with a wider range of people needing relationship help".

She told the Yorkshire Evening Post: "After the huge response from SPUD and after speaking to hundreds of people, I realised it was not just jilted lovers who were suffering when it came to relationships breaking down."

CARROTS plans to provide booklets, a members' handbook and counselling on the phone, by post or e-mail.

And meanwhile

Meanwhile, the parting line of the week has to be the amazing headline "Escaped emu causes havoc after pregnant donkey bite".

There's a story to go along with it - lots of details, names, places etc, but somehow it seems unnecessary to go into it any further.


Keep your eye open for amazing tales from the outskirts of the news agenda - and send them to Planet Tabloid using the form below.

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