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Friday, 8 March, 2002, 15:55 GMT
Amazing tales from Planet Tabloid
Planet tabloid logo
Truth is stranger than fiction...
This week how handling the 10 euro note is creating a continent of eunuchs, a north Wales court tries to send a corpse to jail, a wave of sports-related injuries hits the nation's TV viewers and the problem of Liz Hurley's overly stretchy pants. But first...

Burning Issue of the Week

Should Richard and Judy be put to sleep?

Richard and Judy
Time for your injection...

Sofa-bound daytime TV presenters Richard and Judy are not as good as they once were, say most of the tabloids.

So they should be "put to sleep" - the normal way of describing a process of being killed by means of painless but lethal injection.

Normally this fate is reserved for race horses with broken legs, cats and dogs with excruciating and incurable diseases and surprisingly large numbers of people from Texas.

Richard and Judy's crime is appearing on Channel Four.

PLANET QUALOID

Planet Tabloid continues to track the much vaunted "repositioning" of the Mirror from "red top" tabloid to serious minded mid-market "Qualoid" (QUALity TabLOID).

THE DAILY STAR
Is Rod Stewart's girlfriend really a man? - Daily Star, page one
No, of course she isn't. Don't be so silly - Daily Star, page seven

The promise is that the paper is dumping celebrity pap in favour of heavyweight analysis of world events.

Progress continues with a full page devoted to the important international problem of why Liz Hurley has been seen wearing the same jumper FIVE times - yes FIVE times - in the last three weeks.

Hurley
Liz Hurley - five times in two weeks
Liz Hurley, the paper EXCLUSIVELY reveals, is famous for wearing a dress made from safety pins and not much else - and there is a picture to prove it.

But according to the paper's analysis, now she is pregnant she can't wear that anymore and so has gone in for wearing a jumper and, even more worryingly, "stretchy trousers".

The jumper is made from wool and is purple with black stripes.

Liz Hurley has been "changed out of all recognition" by being pregnant, the paper says.

HAT NEWS

Former pop star Adam Ant - recently in trouble for allegedly shouting at people in a pub - has been seen wearing a hat, the Sun reveals.

Maybe this happened because the singer is now "Old Hat".

That's it.

CRIME NEWS

So much for the much-touted tabloid idea that the legal system is too soft on criminals.

A court in north Wales this week came within an ace of sending a man to jail - even though he was already officially dead.

skull
Dead guilty...
The muddle flared up when officials of the Crown Prosecution Service mixed up the files of a man called Steven James Hill (dead) with another man called Steven James Hill of Saltney, Flintshire (alive).

The accused Mr Hill, 31, told the Press Association: "I had quite a shock to be told that I was supposed to be dead but they could see I was not."

The trial was re-scheduled.

EUROSCEPTICISM LATEST

Great excitement at the Daily Mail, where yet another sinister plot by the barmy bureaucrats of Brussels to undermine British national virility has been uncovered.

The hated euro banknotes, the paper says, may contain special chemicals which can turn men impotent.

The story is based on the tragic case of a German man who lost the ability to get an erection after a couple of heavy 10 euro note-handling sessions.

It is all true. The German is even called Mr Fritz.

banknote
Going soft on Europe - the 10 Euro note

Thousands of Europeans have begun suffering from all sorts of allergies since they started touching the poison-riddled, newfangled single currency, the paper reveals.

INJURY TIME

Just like the Premiership players themselves, you can get injured watching football on TV, the Daily Record would have us believe.

The paper says the Chartered Society of Physiotherapists is now so worried about the problem of TV-football-watching related injury that it has devised a series of "warm up" stretching exercises for viewers.

The most common injuries, the paper says, are sprains to the neck, shoulders and back, caused when fans jump up too excitedly when their team scores.

Even boring 0-0 draws are fraught with danger as they can cause backache as sleepy fans slouch in their seats.

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