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Friday, 6 July, 2001, 15:47 GMT 16:47 UK
Amazing tales from Planet Tabloid
planet tabloid logo
Truth is smoother than friction
This week the UK remains in the grip of the annual summer reign of animal and insect terror as more and more people venture out into the countryside and expose themselves to sneak attack.

bees
You'd better bee-lieve it
Burning issue of the week

Question: Has the animal world at last gone mad?

Answer: Yes

  • This week a Terrified Jogger was savaged by a sadistic Lake District buzzard, the Sun reports.

  • A Horrified Hairdresser was meanwhile stung 48 times by Giant Dorset Bees near Bournemouth.

    "We can't kill these bees - they're a protected species," said a council official.

    So the same swarm is set to attack people all summer long.

    Meanwhile an elderly East Sussex Woman has been driven from her seaside home by a vicious seagull which keeps pecking her head.

    portrait
    Alfred Hitchcock

    "It is a serious public health issue and we have decided to hire a private contractor to deal with the violent seagulls," said a spokesman for the local council.

  • A Terrified Girl was hurt and a Yorkshire terrier killed after a murderous Brixham seagull "dive-bombed their heads".

    WILD SUMMER, Part two

    Another aspect of tabloid summertime is people making love in outdoors and in public.


    WHAT KIND OF FOAL AM I?

    Carlisle News & Star headline re: news of cross-bred Zebra-Pony born at local wildlife park

    Two teenagers have been caught having sex at Wimbledon in a room for honorary members.

    A Wimbledon source was quoted in the Sun as saying: "The steward was horrified. One doesn't expect that sort of thing at Wimbledon."

    Meanwhile, in another part of the Wimbledon complex...a 20-year-old 4 an hour security guard claims he "bonked" a 19-year-old blonde girl" under the main stand.

    "Tennis crowds watched a match between Lleyton Hewitt and Taylor Dent" as the lustful act took place, the paper explains.

    Elsewhere a Randy City Worker seen bonking during Ladies Day at Royal Ascot has been sacked.

    Mountie
    Always gets his man...

    He was dismissed by the Institute of Directors after pictures of his romp appeared in the papers.

    MORE ANIMAL NEWS

    MI5 once planned to recruit a team of trained gerbils to act as ace interrogators it was revealed this week.

    Gerbils have sensitive, twitchy noses capable of detecting "lying chemicals" in human sweat.

    But Israeli spies warned that the Gerbils could not tell the difference between "lie chemicals" and "scared chemicals" in human sweat.


    Ever since I was in college, I've found myself driven by an irresistible compulsion to kill innocent human beings. And, I'm ashamed to say, I've acted on that urge dozens of times in several states...I know what I'm doing is wrong, but I just can't curb my desires...The guilt is driving me crazy. What can I do to escape this nightmare? - Desperate in New Orleans

    Question to Agony Aunt in the Weekly World News, USA

    The danger was that thousands of innocent people who are scared of gerbils could have been arrested as KGB agents.

    So the idea was abandoned.

    EDUCATION CRISIS CONTINUES

    Things are so bad now that children are actually being given lessons in how to swear properly.

    A Cornwall college has told 11 to 16-year-olds to write down every swear word and phrase they know.

    These include "****" and "****" and even the sickening "************** ***** *****".

    But one parent told the paper: "Children learn enough [****ing] bad language on the [****ing] streets without the [****ing] teachers teaching them more [- the daft ****ers"].

    [Warning: words in square brackets used for dramatic reconstruction purposes only and were not actually spoken].

    NICE TO EAT YOU... TO EAT YOU, NICE

    A Dorset Woman has flown 9,000 miles to meet members of a former cannibal tribe which ate one of her ancestors, if the Sun is to be believed.


    Firefighters rescued a girl who got stuck inside a giant carrot at a West Midlands market.

    Wolverhampton Express & Star
    The Dorset Woman, Mrs Sainsbury, who left her husband to fly to New Guinea and said: "It was scary meeting the tribe who had eaten my relative."

    Tribespeople offered to hand over her ancestor's skull if she stayed with them on her own for a while.

    "I don't have the courage," she told the paper.

    PLANET LIFESTYLE

    Our extra section focusing on the mad world of broadsheet "lifestyle" sections.

    SHAMELESS PLUG OF THE WEEK

    "It can get depressing," writes Zoe Ball in the Guardian Weekend section, "drooling over the spa resorts of Thailand, Polynesia, Japan, Morocco and Tibet.

    "But there is help for the rest of us at hand in the more urban environs of Mayfair in London..."

    The full address and phone number of a London "health club" is given complete with a gushing account of its wonderful attractions and a full price-list.

    "I'm popping back for fennel cleansing cellulite and colon therapy after dinner at [another plug] next week," she concludes.

    WELL WORTH KNOWING

    Guardian Weekend readers will be amazed to learn: "The only sure-fire way to lose weight is by cutting back on calories and taking regular exercise."


    Keep your eyes peeled for stories to send to Planet Tabloid or Planet Lifestyle. Click here to submit them to us.

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