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Friday, 29 June, 2001, 16:35 GMT 17:35 UK
Amazing tales from Planet Tabloid
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Legal, honest, decent
This week a glut of animal stories including a cat that orders food on the internet, a suicidal sex-maniac dog and yet more renegade birds. But first...

Burning Issue of the Week


Twit, apparently.

Question: Is Lady Victoria Hervey an "It Girl" or merely a "Twit Girl"

Lady V, daughter of the late Marquis of Bristol agreed to pose in her underwear on the front page of the Mirror.

Readers were asked to phone in and vote to decide if the aristocrat turned "snooty lingerie shop-owner" was "It" or "Twit". She was quoted as saying: "It's all a bit of fun, isn't it?"

CROSSWORD CLUE HIGHLIGHTS - this week from the Daily Star
Teacher in honours list or a knight (3) - begins with S

Penguin, or ruler of an Empire (7) - begins with E and ends in R

Substance that kills rodents (3,6) - begins with R, second word begins with P

Also (3) - begins with a, ends with d

The Daily Star has a premium rate crossword help-line costing 60p a minute where the answers can be found

Answer: Lady V is a Twit, by a margin of 10 to 1.

PROOF THAT - DESPITE EVERYTHING - E-COMMERCE IS STILL ATTRACTING MORE CUSTOMERS

This week a cat ordered 450 cans of its favourite food on an internet shopping site while its owner wasn't looking, reports the Mirror.

Except that it didn't.

What happened, if the paper is to be believed, was that Cambridgeshire Cat Boris wandered across the computer and caught the number keys to turn six tins of chicken cat food into more than a year's supply.

Owner, Betty Richards, of Cambridgeshire, realised the mistake before sending the order after noticing her total bill would be 500.

Betty, of St Ives, said: "It was a fluke that his paws hit the right keys."

HORRIFIC ACCIDENT OF THE WEEK

Mum-of-three Jane Thompson, 21, was speared and run clean through by a snooker cue when the car she was travelling in was involved in a head-on crash.

The impact caused the cue, which was in the boot of the car, to shoot forward, piercing her through the back, emerging from her stomach and skewering her to her seat.

FILTHY LUCRE

Old bank notes decay to make perfect organic compost, according to the Daily Record.

The Bank of Scotland has donated old notes to Dundee Council, which, in turn, is helping gardeners by making compost from recycled money.

A council spokesman told the Daily Record that when it came to making compost: "money is as good as anything".

The cue missed her kidneys and other internal organs, the Sun reported, leaving her only slightly injured after surgery.

RENEGADE BIRDS - LATEST

The nation's obsession with guilty and/or renegade birds continues unabated.

The latest flap started when a woman who hates and fears birds woke up to find a barn owl perched on her arm.

The birdwoman, Patricia Pennack, from Newton Aycliffe, County Durham, screamed when she felt the owl.

It is believed that it had flown through her window.

PLANET LIFESTYLE

Read on for "Planet Lifestyle" our "section-within-a-section" bringing you the highlights of all the vital style news with which any properly vibed-up person needs to keep up.

Good news for dry cleaners.

This week the Sunday Telegraph magazine suggests that you decorate and furnish your home entirely in white.

Meanwhile the Independent on Sunday this week suggests that you dress entirely in white.

The only time you should not wear white, all the style sections agree, is when you are playing tennis, engaged in judo, working as a dentist, playing cricket or getting married.

Children's tennis racquets are shorter and lighter than their adult equivalents. They have smaller grips, too.

Helpful advice from the Sunday Times Style magazine

GETTING VIBED

The Independent on Sunday's Style icon Janet Street-Porter has been busy this week. She has been to Vienna, New York and an architectural gathering in London.

She confesses that she cannot however use a Philippe Starck lemon squeezer and that she often splashes herself when she tries to use some sort of hotel wash-basin he has designed.

In a wide ranging review of style news she invents a new verb, "to vibe", as in "Philippe Starck can vibe up anything".

But she castigates modern town planners for not making cities more like 19th century Vienna.

"If the 19th century Hapsburgs could create an inner ring road and a traffic-free city centre, then surely our modern rulers can."

Possibly this is because mass production of motor cars did not begin until the 1920s, but Ms Street-Porter does not say.


Keep your eyes peeled for stories to send to Planet Tabloid or for Planet Lifestyle. Click here to submit them to us.

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